HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1998 to 2 Sep 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 534 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. School Daze
  2. Sexual inuendo
  3. "Heaven's Clocks"
  4. Assorted Smiles
  5. Humor: Off the Wall
  6. Good Health
  7. The CaT tesT
  8. Quotes - Women's points of view
  9. Gittin' Hitched... <adult>
 10. Coming out <adult>
 11. Humor - Goldie Oldie
 12. Christmas party (adult)
 13. Playground Rules
 14. Voice Recognition <clean>
 15. AOL Price Raises
 16. NIPPLE FACTORY
 
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Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 03:23:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: School Daze
 
* I remember once in elementary school, I was home sick for over
  a week.  My teacher sent my Mother a "Thank-you" note.
                                - - - - -
 
* A boy was reprimanded for not writing a book report on a Dickens
  novel. He said, "I couldn't help it.  We couldn't get the video."
                                - - - - -
 
* The teacher was surprised to get a note from a Mother the very
  first day of school, since her child was present.  All it said
  was: "Please excuse Paul for being.  It was his Father's fault."
                                - - - - -
 
* Lil' Bradley came home complaining after his first day of school.
  "I'm not going back tomorrow.  I can't read yet. I can't write
  yet either, and the teacher won't let me talk."
                                - - - - -
 
* During the afternoon session, a new and very tired kindergarten
  teacher was leading a class of five-year-olds in some strenuous
  exercises.  As she tapped out the rhythm she chanted: "Come on,
  wear yourselves out !  Come on, wear yourselves out !"
                                - - - - -
 
* A teacher asked her class to make a list of who they thought were
  the greatest Americans.  One little boy seemed to be having a lot
  of trouble.  She asked if he needed help, and he replied, "No, I
  just can't decide who should be playing third base."
                                - - - - -
 
*   The teacher was instructing her students on how she expected
  them to behave.  "If you have to go to the bathroom, please raise
  two fingers."  She demonstrated holding her arm straight up.
    From the back of the room came a tiny voice: "I don't see how  
  that's going to help anything." 

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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:25:24 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sexual inuendo
 
        From a French language joke list (What follows is my
translation  of the joke that was originally posted in French):    

                +--------------------------------+
 
    A Belgian couple was making love in their car parked along the
side of the road.  A policeman knocks on the window; the man opens
it, and the policeman says: "Bonjour, monsieur.  What are you doing
here?" 
 
    "I'm making love."
 
    "That's illegal here... That will be a 200 (Belgian) franc
fine."  At this point, his ladyfriend appears: 
 
    "What's going on, cheri?  Oh! Since there are two of you, the
fine will be 400 francs!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:41:06 -0400 
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU> 
Subject: "Heaven's Clocks" 
 
A guy dies and goes to heaven.  It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"  The guy
thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St.
Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they
come to a huge room full of clocks.
 
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
 
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how
much time he has left on earth.  When a clock runs out of time, the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
 
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
 
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."
 
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling.  On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable
rate.  So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
 
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock.
We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:55:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
 
These two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
          **************************
 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from
them and you have their shoes.
          **************************
 
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until they talk.
          **************************
 
A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks, "Can you tell me
where you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not
talking to."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 10:35:40 EST 
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall
 
oldy but goody.....
 
                   Time-Travel Blues
 
You've heard of every kind of blues there is, I hear you say?
Well, I'm, leavin' here tomorrow...and I just got back back today.
I got the time-travel blues, look at the mess I'm in.
I'm sad for what the past will be and what the future hasn't been.
 
I longed to know the future, like the Oracle of Delphi
And then this cat knocked on my door: Goddam, it was myself!
I got the time-travel blues, since I met myself comin' in;
I'd tell you all about it...but where the hell do I begin?
 
He said that I was going to invent a time machine--
That is to say, I told me, if you follow what I mean.
I said, "I'm no inventor, man: I'll never ever get it."
But he said, "Copy this one, and we both can share the credit!"
 
I cranked it up, it blew right up, and then and there I died.
I wonder who that joker was, and why the bastard lied...
Got the time-travel blues: one of my life's most awful shocks
Now I could use a doctor: in fact, I need a paradox
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:16:11 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Good Health
 
The horse and the mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
 
The goats and sheep at twenty die
With never a taste of scotch or rye.
 
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
 
The dog at sixteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
 
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
 
The sober, modest, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten.
 
The animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die.
 
While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
 
And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled till we're ninety-two.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:44:04 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The CaT tesT
 
Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-
tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would
check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the
test.
 
Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in
one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in
24 hours, the cat was gone....
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:47:51 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Quotes - Women's points of view
 
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton
 
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong
 
I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even want
to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. -- Rita Rudner
 
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done
my job. -- Roseanne
 
This guy says, " I'm perfect for you, cause I'm a cross between a
macho and a sensitive man."   I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
-- Judy Tenuta
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller
 
He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant.
-- Carol Leifer
 
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
 
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
 
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
 
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne
 
I think-therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
 
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men
invade another country. --Elayne Boosler
 
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 
-- Gilda Radner 
 
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- Maryon Pearson

 
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed 
as an assistant professor.  It is for a woman schlemiel to get as 
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. -- Bella Abzug 
 
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage 
and a career. -- Gloria Steinhem 
 
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. 
 -- Katherine Hepburn 
 
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at 
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which

growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat

that comes home late at night. -- Marie Corelli 
 
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose 
around your neck? -- Linda Ellerbee 
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:59:59 -0400 
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM> 
Subject: Gittin' Hitched... <adult> 
 
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was 
masturbating several times a day out in the barn. 
"Boy, you gotta quit that!  Go out and git yo'self a wife." 
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom 
he got married.  But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer 
found his son choking the chicken again. 
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!" 
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!" 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:47:49 -0500 
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM> 
Subject: Coming out <adult> 
 
   A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his 
sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his
mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen 
table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you... I'm gay." 

   His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was 
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned 
away from the pot she was stirring & said calmly, "You're gay -- 
doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" 
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."  His mother 
went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and 
WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER 
complain about my cooking again!!!!!" 
 
 
(Submitted by Bruce Hartford to a different list.) 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 15:28:27 -0500 
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM> 
Subject: Humor - Goldie Oldie 
 
Copied from Houston Chronicle columnist Leon Hale: 
 
Sue Gregory has sent me a little nonsensical ditty some of the 
customers may remember: 
 
'Twas midnight on the ocean, Not a streetcar was in sight. 
The sun was shining brightly, And it rained all day that night. 
 
While the organ pealed potatoes, Lard was rendered by the choir. As
the sexton rang the dishrag, Someone set the church on fire. 
 
`Holy smokes!' the preacher shouted, When the flames danced in his 
hair. Now his head resembles heaven, For there is no parting there"
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 16:02:47 +0300 
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO> 
Subject: Christmas party (adult) 
 
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with 
a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall 
the events of the preceding evening.  After a trip to the bathroom 
he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some 
coffee in front of him. "Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on
last night.  Was it as bad as I think?" 
 
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made
a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire 
board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to 
his face." 
 
"He's an asshole - piss on him." 
 
"You did," Louise informed him.  "And he fired you." 
 
"Well fuck him," said John. 
 
"I did. You're back at work on Monday." 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:23:45 -0400 
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU> 
Subject: Playground Rules 
 
A few (okay, okay, more than a few) years ago, I took my two 
daughters, then ages seven and five, to the playground at our local
park.  My seven year old was very proud as she was able to read the
sign with all the rules to her sister. "Do not jump on the merry-
go-round when in motion. Go down the slide while sitting only. Only
one child on a swing at a time." 
 
There were about twenty rules and the girls promised to obey them 
all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing
by.  They said that they were too old to be watched and their 
friends would tease them, calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made
them promise to be good and obey the rules, and went over to the 
picnic area and began preparing our lunch. 
 
When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a 
distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my 
instructions.  I found that they obeyed most of the printed 
instructions. That is, all but one. 
 
They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head 
first or backward.  Angrily, I picked up the children & took them 
over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it 
aloud, again. Then I asked the girls what they had to say for 
themselves.  My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be 
silly, Dad.  No one uses a slide rule anymore." 
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:45:44 -0400 
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET> 
Subject: Voice Recognition <clean> 
 
You probably heard of those smart computers that will operate at 
your command (voice).  Check this out... 
Found on the sun-managers list: 
 
>From the Journal American: 
 
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was 
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A 
representative from the company was just about ready to start the 
demonstration and asked everyone in the  room to be quiet. Just 
then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." 
Unfortunately, the software worked. 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 23:13:57 -0500 
From:    Humor <webmaster@BESTOFHUMOR.COM> 
Subject: AOL Price Raises 
 
TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES 
 
Sure, AOL is a money machine.  But even the online giant needs an 
extra boost to the bottom line once in a while.  Here's why: 
 
10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh 
 
 9. Severance for CompuServe employees 
 
 8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape 
 
 7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet 
 
 6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in 
    Belgium 
 
 5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns" 
 
 4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of 
    "You've got mail" 
 
 3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms 
 
 2. El Nino 
 
 1. Because they can 
 
 
http://www.bestofhumor.com 
 
------------------------------ 
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:00:28 +0400 
From:    rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM> 
Subject: NIPPLE FACTORY 
 
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various 
latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that 
manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud 
hiss-pop! noise. 
 
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains 
the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end 
of the nipple." 
 
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are 
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. 
Hiss-pop!' 
 
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what 
the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" 
 
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says

the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." 
 
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" 
 
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" 
 
------------------------------ 
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1998 to 2 Sep 1998 
********************************************** 
 
