HUMOR Digest - 31 Aug 1998 to 1 Sep 1998
There are 21 messages totalling 817 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Integrity
  2. love trouble (adult, tasteless, even sick)
  3. Oh Canada! (off. to Americans)
  4. Guidelines for Submitting Professional Writing <clean-ish>
  5. The RaBbi
  6. Top5 - 8/31/98 - Least Known Facts In Military Histor
  7. Feline Physics - Part 2 of 2
  8. Like A Rock/Bank Robbery <adult>
  9. Finagaling Sex <adult>
 10. How to Give Your Cat a Pill
 11. A Blonde Kidnapper
 12. Modern History?
 13. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story #9
 14. It's 5 o'clock, do you know where it's at?
 15. Follow the Directions on the Label (fwd)
 16. Humor: adult
 17. Getting from here to there <offensive to blondes>
 18. TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS (Universally Offensive)
 19. Education the Easy Way (Pun)
 20. The Tourist <adultish>
 21. PUN ALERT - off. to all intelligent people!
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 04:23:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Integrity
 
* Personally, I think it's hypocrisy to make unwanted guests feel
  at home.  If they wanted to feel at home, they'd have stayed
  there in the first place.
                           - - - - -
 
* Visitor: "Do you like playing your trombone dear ? That certainly
            was an interesting piece."
    Child: "No, not really, but Mommie makes me do it when she
            wants our 'company' to leave and go home."
                           - - - - -
 
* Father to Midshipman Son:
  "I'll say one thing for you boy. You're definitely following the
  Naval Academy's "Code of Honor".  With the grades you get, you
  couldn't possibly be cheating."
                           - - - - -
 
* My neighbor told me that the Giant grocery store had given her a
  phony twenty-dollar bill when she cashed a check there.  I asked
  her to let me see it. She said she couldn't, she passed it at the
  drug store.
                           - - - - -
 
*   An Arkansas family with nine sons all voted Democratic at every
  election -- all except one boy.  A friend asked the Father to
  explain this fall from grace.
    The boy's Father said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up
  right, but Johnny, the ornery cuss, got to readin' and..."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Several weeks after receiving an $ 11,200 check in payment from
  her insurance company for missing jewelry, an elderly woman found
  the missing items in her closet.
    She wrote the insurance company: "I didn't think it was right
  to keep both the jewelry and the money, so you'll be pleased to
  know I've made a donation in your name to the American Red
  Cross."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 11:17:31 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: love trouble (adult, tasteless, even sick)
 
   There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for
four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing
their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated,
they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was
accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the
west coast.
   They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they
could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but
she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to
return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to
return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted
to date around.
   He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and
letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became
annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her
back. So what she did was this:
   She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend,leave me alone." Well needless to
say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So
what he did next was awesome:
   He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and
then mailed the picture to her parents.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 07:03:05 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Oh Canada! (off. to Americans)
 
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I
am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains
full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes
bountiful with carp, trout, forests full of elk and moose, high
cliffs over looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
rivers stocked with salmon.."
 
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the Earth."
 
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too
generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied the Almighty, "just wait and see the
neighbors I am going to give them!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 13:59:33 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Guidelines for Submitting Professional Writing <clean-ish>
 
(Forwarded by J H Lever)
 
 1. Never admit to an editor you can't read.
 2. Never try to create a masterpiece when having recently
    undergone a lobotomy.
 3. Never use the pen name, God.
 4. Never submit bullshit unless packaged professionally.
 5. Never end magazine articles with, 'Love and kisses, always'
 6. Never give out autographs unless you know how to spell your
    name.
 7. Never beg, weep, or use excessive physical violence when
    approaching a new publisher.
 8. Never use profanity unless you f***** mean it.
 9. Never send cash to the Editing Department.
10. Never submit nude photos, or mug shots, as pictures of the
    author.
11. Never include rap sheets in resumes.
12. Never admit you don't know what the hell you are writing about.
13. Never admit you don't give a damn that you don't know what
    the hell you are writing about.
14. Never hire a blind proof reader.
15. Never submit a poem written in sign language.
16. Never submit a poem printed out on toilet paper.
17. Never submit manuscripts in invisible ink.
18. Never submit a critique of rejection slips.
19. Never send yourself in the self-addressed envelope.
20. Never submit drugs, or chocolate candy, as reading fees.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 07:35:52 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The RaBbi
 
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital.  He became
friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.  One day, she came
into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was
missing.
 
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the
crucifix?"
 
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew
in this room was enough."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 09:13:26 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/31/98 - Least Known Facts In Military Histor
 
     The Top 12 Least Known Facts In World Military History
                        August 31, 1998
 
12> Santa Ana really just wanted to use the Alamo's bathroom,
    but didn't know how to ask in English.
 
11> Hannibal did not lead elephants across the Alps to fight the
    Romans. In 218 BC, elephants pretty much went wherever the
    hell they wanted.
 
10> France won WW II all by themselves without the help of the
    Allies. Just ask them.
 
 9> The Civil War was actually fought over the Confederacy's
    right to keep old cars on their lawns.
 
 8> Nazi POW camps were *exactly* as depicted in "Hogan's Heros."
 
 7> The Spanish-American War was actually fought to see who
    *wouldn't* get stuck with Mexico.
 
 6> In the Civil War battle of "Sleepy Creek", 80% of all
    Confederate casualties were named "Jessup".
 
 5> The Battle of Stalingrad was actually fought just outside of
    Scranton, Pennsylvania.
 
 4> Contrary to popular belief, the French actually possess an
    army.
 
 3> "Sherman's March to the Sea" was really led by Mr. Peabody.
 
 2> The Boxer Rebellion was actually started by the Pugs.
 
      and Top5's Number 1 Least Known Fact In
      World Military History...
 
 1> Code words for Israelis' pre-emptive strike in the Six Day War
    -- "Torah! Torah! Torah!"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
 ------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 09:33:17 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Feline Physics - Part 2 of 2
 
     First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
 
     Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
 
     Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.
 
     Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
 
     Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable
spot in any given room.
 
     Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
 
     Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
 
     Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.
 
     Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
cost of the furniture.
 
     Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
 
     Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
 
     Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
 
     Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
 
     Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 09:11:48 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Like A Rock/Bank Robbery <adult>
 
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his
utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the
first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until
she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner.
 
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you
think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"
                        +++++++++++++++++++++
 
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered
the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to
disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.  One
nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor
facing upwards.
 
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her...
"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 07:50:00 -0500
From:    Terrance Powell <Terrance.Powell@MCI.COM>
Subject: Finagaling Sex <adult>
 
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?"
 
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
 
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  When the couple finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $32.
 
This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.
 
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
 
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She's
married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go
to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.  The Hilton charges $78.
We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 17:34:03 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: How to Give Your Cat a Pill
 
 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
    just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
    "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
 3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down
    with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke
    pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
    (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
 5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
    in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold
    your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left
    elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the
    pill in quickly.
    Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see
    what you're doing. That's just as well.
 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a
    good cry.
 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
    Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly,
    "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill
    and... Oooops!
 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
    flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread
    towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
    (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
    or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press
    its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a
    snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 09:31:05 PST
From:    Josiah Brush <jwbrush@CCGATE.HAC.COM>
Subject: A Blonde Kidnapper
 
A Blonde was down on her luck.  In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.  She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."
 
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
 
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
 
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and
found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:09:25 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Modern History?
 
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been
granted a rare interview.
 
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
 
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said " I don't think Mr.
Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 13:20:36 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story #9
 
          Fugitive does 'dumbest thing:'applies for police job.
 
WEST HAVEN, Connecticut (AP) -- A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud
charges was arrested when he applied to become a town police
officer.
 
Alexander Ocasio, 30, of Las Vegas, was arrested this week in
Connecticut after the standard background check for applicants to
the police force turned up his fugitive warrant.
 
Police quickly called Ocasio in to get his fingerprints, saying it
was part of the job application. When he showed up, they pulled out
the warrant with his name on it.
 
"I think it's hilarious," Matthew Dushoff, a Nevada deputy attorney
general, said Thursday. "It's one of the dumbest things he could
have done. We never would have found him otherwise, and he walked
right into it."
 
Ocasio is a former state corrections officer in Nevada and a
one-time security officer at a Las Vegas casino. He had passed both
the written and agility tests to become a police officer before he
was caught, said Lt. Colleen Smullen.
 
The Nevada charges involve allegations of fraudulently collecting
unemployment benefits.
 
 
 Copyright 1998   The Associated Press.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 18:25:40 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: It's 5 o'clock, do you know where it's at?
 
An errant U.S. weather balloon as tall as a 26-story building
survived Canadian attempts to shoot it down and drifted all week
over the North Atlantic without a warning transponder, causing
rerouting of commercial air traffic. The commander of the two
Canadian Air Force 'top guns' who failed to bring it down (with
thousands of rounds of cannon fire) was unapologetic, saying their
planes flew too fast to hit such a stationary target...  It's now
floating over Russia.
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 12:08:37 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Follow the Directions on the Label (fwd)
 
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed.  The bands used to bear the
address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash.  Biol.  Surv. until the agency received the following letter
from an Arkansas camper:
 
 "Dear Sirs:
  While camping last week I shot one of your birds.  I think it was
a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you it was horrible."
 
 The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 15:21:01 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: adult
 
Sign on an office wall......
 
Remember, the toes you step on today,
may be connected to the ass you have
to kiss tomorrow!
 
------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:25:48 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Getting from here to there <offensive to blondes>
 
A blond stood upon the banks of a raging river, looking for a way
to cross. The rapids looked far too treacherous to risk, so the
blond started along the bank looking for a better place to wade
across.
 
After several minutes of hiking, the blond spied a second blond on
the far bank of the river.
 
"Hey!" the first blond called to the second. "How do I get over to
the other side?"
 
"Idiot," sneered the second blond. "You *are* on the other side."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 15:39:16 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS (Universally Offensive)
 
Are you tired of the Starr investigation, White House
misinformation, lies and "legally accurate" half-truths?  Then I
hope you enjoy this poem.  Please excuse the tortured rhymes.
 
 
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS
 
Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
 
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
 
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
 
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!
 
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
 
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.
 
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
 
Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have this trouble.
 
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
with pundits galore,
And "White House insiders".
 
More rapid than eagles,
Subpoenas, they flew!
"Here's one, here's another and
Here's one for you, too!"
 
"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
 
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
 
And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.
 
A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
 
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends"
 
Now Monica, Linda--
And Ken Starr, you schmuck-
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 1998 18:46:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Education the Easy Way (Pun)
 
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
knowledge in pill form.
 
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks
what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says
"Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill
and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
 
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
 
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
 
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.
 
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
 
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.
 
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
 
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a little
hard to swallow."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 09:59:09 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Tourist <adultish>
 
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats
are uncomfortable the food is terrible It`s too hot, It`s too cold
& the accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good
luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it`s being cleaned today
and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
tomorrow."
 
"We can`t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can`t kiss the stupid
stone."
 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you`ll have the same good fortune."
 
"And I suppose you`ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
 
"No, ma`am," the frustrated guide said, "but I`ve sat on it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 1 Sep 1998 00:31:10 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: PUN ALERT - off. to all intelligent people!
 
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on
the outskirts of town.  He had no family and only a few meager
possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his
dog.  He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he
usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and
his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs
would bring in.
 
The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most
dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it.  When the
old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front
of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
 
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and
headed in to town to work.  He had a plumbing repair job in one of
the homes there that would take him most of the day and would
probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he
managed the money carefully.
 
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his
lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in
the bag for his wrench.  To his surprise he didn't feel it.  He dug
around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench.  He looked in
the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no
wrench. Reality set in.
 
Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he
couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow. When he
finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him
what the situation was.  While she sympathized with his situation,
the job needed to be done.  If the old man couldn't do it, she
would have to hire someone else.
 
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and
shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a
spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to
last forever.  But finally the old shack came into view, and there
was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.
 
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling
the old man how glad he was to see him.  Kneeling beside the hound,
the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog
that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow.
What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what
the future held.
 
It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!  Then
he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the old
man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his
despair turned in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench! The old
man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have
been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the
house than he usually did!
 
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated
him, and ran into the house.  Reaching for a stub of pencil and the
only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine
companion.
 
Few people have ever heard these words... until now, that is. One
man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name
recorded in music history.
 
The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are
privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which
went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Aug 1998 to 1 Sep 1998
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