HUMOR Digest - 30 Aug 1998 to 31 Aug 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 382 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:

  1. Humor in Numbers
  2. Weekly Traffic Report
  3. FAce lift - adult
  4. double negative (clean)
  5. The Perfect Man
  6. Feline Physics - Part 1
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 09:55:53 +0300
From:    Costas Papadopoulos <papadc@CYTANET.COM.CY>
Subject: Re: Humor in Numbers
 
Chris Ryan said, in a message headed "Humor in Numbers"
 
> There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52
> weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week,
> leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours
> each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only
> 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break
> - that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
> available. With a one-hour lunch period each day, you have used
> up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
> normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
> with only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays
> per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
> 
> We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which means only
> 1 day is available to work, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU'RE GOING TO
> TAKE THAT DAY OFF!

Hmm... according to the above if I were to, say, increase my daily
coffee break from 30 minutes to 1 hour I would be 22 days SHORT of
the total number of days in the year. Would that be equivalent to
travelling back in time?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 03:43:02 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report.  This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to
all of the Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
Recently, our readership has been declining at approximately
100 members a week.  The upsurge in the past two weeks is due
to free "plugs" courtesy of Rodney & Cathy's Joke List with
over 18,000 subscribers and Geoffrey's (Jeff) AllWorld's Joke
of the Day, received by 40,000+ people.
 
Last week, I asked the contributors for their thoughts on
increasing our membership.  This week, I'd like to pose the
same question to y'all.  I would appreciate any and all ideas.
 
Just a reminder that each Traffic Report contains a summary of
the rules and the most widely used ListServer commands.

                                        JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 23 August 1998 - 29 August 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 23  Sunday            9       10       12        8       12
 24  Monday           11       12       12       13       13
 25  Tuesday          10       10       12       11       10
 26  Wednesday         4       14       15       14       14
 27  Thursday         17       13       15       11       15
 28  Friday           14       12       10       16       13
 29  Saturday          3       10       10        7        8
 
   (Average)          10       12       12       11       12
 
Subscriptions      9,390    7,686    7,560    7,537    7,592
Countries            100      111      111      111      111
Contributors         761      604      609      607      604
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus,
Belgium, Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei,
Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa
Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican
Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal
Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany,
Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan,
Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Liechtenstein,
Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New
Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Peru,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi
Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa,
Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand,
Tanzania, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine,
United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Wales, Zambia,
Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 111
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)
 
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive
 
One contribution per day
 
Please cite source or copyright (if known) where applicable
 
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, responses, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions
Comments, witty retorts (etc) go to the poster, not the List
Questions/Requests are not appropriate postings
 
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
 
Avoid unnecessary blank lines; No ASCII art or graphics
 
Signature files added by an e-mail service are unavoidable;
sig files added by the poster, unless dealing directly with
humor & provided for information, are unnecessary
 
Promoting non-Humor URLs is not consistent with a Humor List
 
Soliciting subscribers for another Humor List must be approved
in advance, and a reciprocal agreement arranged
 
Any and all forms of advertising/promotion are strictly prohibited
 
      A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To Subscribe to the Humor List:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
 
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           to become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR               to check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR             to leave the main list (unsubscribe)
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P           to leave the contributor's list
   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          to stop all mail for a temporary
                             period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            to receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          to get daily collections of humor
                             (default)
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects
subscribers and sends an e-mail which you may be asked to
respond to in order to renew/continue your subscription.
 
Errors returned from your Server to our ListServer may cause your
name to be dropped from the list.  If you feel, at any time, that
you have been dropped from the list, or have stopped receiving mail
from the ListServer, simply resubscribe.  You will not receive
duplicate mailings to the same address; if you're already
subscribed, the ListServer will verify that.
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Archived Files: [original text compressed to zip format]
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
Last month's UGA Humor Digests may also be downloaded from:
     http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:
 
With the advent of Fall in the US, a lot of people's thoughts are
turning to college.  It is true that it's been many a year since I
graduated (magna cum lucky), and although I did go to a few of the
reunions, I've kind-of given up attending.  So many of my former
classmates are both fat & wrinkled, with such poor eyesight and
bad memories, they don't even recognize me anymore.
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 12:18:04 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: FAce lift - adult

    A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he
stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do
you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
    "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After
that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am
actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
    While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one
around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand
down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's
done. You are 47."
    Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do
that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 12:36:38 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: double negative (clean)
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
 
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative.
 
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."
 
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 07:32:05 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Perfect Man
 
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
 
The perfect man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a fine, true father,
And a good husband to his bride.
 
The perfect man likes cooking,
cleaning and vacuuming too!
He'll do anything in his power,
To convey his feelings of love to you.
 
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry in your name.
He's a best friend to your mother,
And he kisses away your pain.
 
He has never made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
Oh, To hell with this endless poem...
The perfect man is Gay!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 1998 10:05:06 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Feline Physics - Part 1
 
     Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
 
     Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
 
     Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
 
     Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a
cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
 
     Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the
nap just taken.
 
     Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
possible for the cat.
 
     Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter
top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
 
     Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
maximum amount of human foot traffic.
 
     Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.
 
     Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
 
     Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
 
     Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her
to do something.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Aug 1998 to 31 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
