HUMOR Digest - 29 Aug 1998 to 30 Aug 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 364 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Accident (pun)
  2. Life in the USA <some adult humor>
  3. Cables and cords
  4. The Perfect Man
  5. Ur Classic JewIsh JoKe
  6. Rednecks (off. to them)
  7. University Assignments
  8. The Chinese Brothers (Pun)
 
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Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 00:16:10 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Accident (pun)
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along
a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob
could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
 
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the
car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
 
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he
looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious,
with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar
countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
 
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light,
which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door
and knocks.
 
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my
wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
 
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
 
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;
I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic,
and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob
on an adjoining table.
 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs
the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it
is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a
stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further
amazed as Betty sits straight up!
 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!  The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
 
          -By Christopher D. Heer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 03:59:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in the USA <some adult humor>
 
* When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts,
  and no pollution.  The women did all the work while the men
  hunted or fished all day.  Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic
  do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place.
                           - - - - -
 
*   New Yorkers are a breed apart.  A man was mugged but had no
  cash.  Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a check.
    The mugger said dumbfounded, "A Check ?  Why would I take a
  check from you ?  I don't even know you !"
                           - - - - -
 
* Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore in
  Maryland has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to
  the City."  These days, they just send a guy over and he shows
  ya how to pick the lock.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Las Vegas is a wild town.  An hour after I had checked into
  a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do
  you have a woman in there ?"
    I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.
                           - - - - -
 
* In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church
  is felt in many different walks of life.  For example, sexual
  relations between two unmarried adults is illegal.  It seems
  they felt it might lead to dancing.
                           - - - - -
 
* California is said to have over a hundred thousand palms.  The
  way I see it though, about 16 or so of them are trees, the rest
  seem to be maitre d's, parking lot attendants, waiters, bell
  boys, doormen...
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 13:54:59 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Cables and cords
 
   Today I had just changed my desk. They came, took the old one
away, & brought in the new one. And then left. They left me with
the computer on the floor and about a billion cables to plug in.
Plugging in cables was OK, because I know computers good enough.
But the cables themselves!
   It seems that if you leave a cable alone, it tends to form
knots. Not simple knots (the type your shoelace get, those one that
makes you cut the lace!) but really crazy, schizophrenic knots. So,
I thought that if a cable means knots, than more cable mean more
knots. Wrong! If you get more cable together, they weave. In twenty
minutes, the cable wove by themselves a nice sweater. I pulled it
apart, since I needed the cables more.
   The second thing I learned about cables is that there are two
kinds: the too long ones, that you have to bend and twist in order
to bring them to a more reasonable length, and the too short ones.
The second kind was bloody better represented among my cables.
   Well, cursing a lot and trying not to use the axe, after eight
to nine hours of hard work, I managed to get everything connected,
and quite in a fashionable style (no cables in the middle of the
room, the monitor is at his place and not on the corner closet, how
the cord initially imposed, and so on). I felt very proud of
myself.  Then I TRIED to start the computer. Nothing.
 
   And so I found out that the AC power cord was to short to reach
the wall outlet.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 09:26:08 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Perfect Man
 
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
 
The perfect man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a fine, true father,
And a good husband to his bride.
 
The perfect man likes cooking,
cleaning and vacuuming too!
He'll do anything in his power,
To convey his feelings of love to you.
 
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry in your name.
He's a best friend to your mother,
And he kisses away your pain.
 
He has never made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
Oh, To hell with this endless poem...
The perfect man is Gay!


     -Thanks to Ilmar Saar
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 10:33:24 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Ur Classic JewIsh JoKe
 
A lady went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel.  She
noticed another lady and went to speak to her.
 
"Hello, my dear, you're not from around here, are you?"
"No," replied the second, "I'm from Mars."
 
Asked the first lady, "Mars? Do all Martian ladies have green skin
as you do?"  "Yes, all Martian ladies have green skin like mine."
 
"And do all Martian ladies have 3 eyes as you do?"
"Yes, all Martian ladies have 3 eyes like me."
 
"And do all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand as you do?"
"Yes, all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand like I do."
 
"And do all Martian ladies have so many diamonds?"
"No...  Not the goyim."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 12:23:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rednecks (off. to them)
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off of this building."
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
 
The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
 
Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees
a burrito and jumps too. The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees
the bologna and jumps to his death also.
 
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!
 
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him two
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
 
Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife. "Hey,
don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
               ==============================
 
      7 WAYS TO TELL A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER
 
 7. The monitor is up on blocks.
 6. The six front keys have rotted out.
 5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
 4. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
 3. The password is "Bubba."
 2. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
 1. The keyboard is camouflaged.
               ==============================
 
   Tech support asked a redneck woman if she was "running it under
Windows."
   The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his computer is working fine."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 16:32:11 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: University Assignments
 
There was a university in New England where the students operated a
"bank" of term papers and other homework assignments.  There were
papers to suit all needs as it would look odd if an undistinguished
student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for
an A grade, B grade and C grade.
 
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his
assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one
he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed
the work in.
 
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments:
"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it
should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 29 Aug 1998 19:46:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Chinese Brothers (Pun)
 
Two Chinese brothers named Hing and Ming were devoted to the search
for ultimate wisdom; however, each differed greatly about how such
wisdom was to be obtained.  Being a rural family, they were
farmers. One day, their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, & soon
lost all its feathers.
 
The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and
agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.  Hing
immedately went back to the university.  Having studied otnithology
& traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer to the
chicken's illness was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea.  He
gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and
poured it into the chicken's mouth for two months. Each day he
prepared the tea leaves according to different recipes, coming up
with dozens of courses for the sick chicken.
 
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines
of his ancestors.  ONe night he had a dream.  His ancestors
appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree
leaves.  Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success in this same
venture, decided that the problem had to be quantity.  MIng
trusted his ancestors; after all, his family had always given him
sound advice.  He gathered whole carloads of leaves and brewed
barrels of the tea and poured them into the chicken's mouth for two
months, all the time extolling the virtues and honor of his
family's ancestors and spiritual goodness.
 
Unfortunately, after two months of treatment, the chicken was still
sick and naked as a bowling ball.  Apparently, all of HIng's
courses and all of Ming's kin, couldn't made gum tea refeather a
hen.
 
          -By Ted Brett
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Aug 1998 to 30 Aug 1998
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