HUMOR Digest - 28 Aug 1998 to 29 Aug 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 546 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Sex in the 90's <adult humor>
  2. GoD TaKes a vAcaTion
  3. Atitude about sex (adult language)
  4. For Heaven's Sakes
  5. St Viagra's service of celebration <off. to the religious>
  6. Redneck Jokes <off. to rednecks...mebbe!>
  7. Top5 - 8/28/98 - A Top5 Classic!
  8. Humor in numbers [Clean]
  9. Hows your day?
 10. Shopping at Wal-Mart <rude>
 11. The Shady Bunch (Presidential Parody)
 12. FW: Behavior Modification...
 13. Mouse Balls
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 03:50:28 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sex in the 90's <adult humor>
 
* I'm not sure how they're gonna make out, but a manufacturer is
  test marketing a brand new unisex personal hygiene deodorant --
  it's called "The Pit and the Pendulum".
                           - - - - -
 
* Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education in
  the schools.  What they're not considering though is that if the
  kids learn it the way they learn all the other subjects, they
  still won't know how to "do it" anyway.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
  of love-making on a pathway in Columbia.  The girl berated the
  officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.  The boy
  was silent through-out the confrontation.
    The officer arrested them both anyway.  The girl was charged
  with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person
  on his weapon.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month.  He
  took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts.  Finally, he
  proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to
  provide you with anything your little heart desires."
    "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet.
  And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I
  might see my way clear to rent you some."
                           - - - - -
 
*   At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night
  of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale
  known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual
  relations with you ?"
    "Yes." whispered the girl, her head bowed.
    "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
  knowledge, have a climax ?" the lawyer continued.
    "Oh no." she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real
  fancy Mazdas."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 23:05:15 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: GoD TaKes a vAcaTion
 
God is tired, worn out.  So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I
need a vacation.  Got any suggestions where I should go?"
 
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter?
It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
 
God shakes His head before saying, "No.  Too much gravity.  You
know how that hurts my back."
 
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects.  "Well, how about Mercury?"
 
"No way!" God about screams.  "It's way too hot for me there!"
 
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up.  "How about
going down to Earth for your vacation?"
 
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding?  Two thousand years ago
I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're
STILL talking About it!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 12:43:20 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Atitude about sex (adult language)
 
A friend and I set up a local area network, so we can work easier
on his diploma thesis. We were just typing hard, sharing files, and
all this kind of stuff, when my PC jammed. I cursed it. The guy
asked: "Hey, what happened?"
 
"The damn computer fucked itself!", I replied angrily.
 
He said: "Well, if he fucked once, he'll do it again. If he got
used to get fucked, there's nothing you can do. Trash the computer
and get a new one!"
 
I find his remark to be funny and saddening true! Sometimes I even
wonder what if the inanimate things wouldn't get the chance to find
out about mating!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 07:08:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: For Heaven's Sakes
 
   On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple
has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's
gate waiting for St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they
wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter
finally shows up and they ask him.
   St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone
has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
   The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if
they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal
aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are
we stuck together forever?"
   St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."
   "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams
his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the
frightened couple.
   "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take
me to find a lawyer?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 14:14:54 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: St Viagra's service of celebration <off. to the religious>
 
     (forwarded by the Most Irreverend Robert Gray)
 
PROPERS FOR THE FEAST OF ST. VIAGRA ("THE UPRIGHT")
 
ENTRANCE HYMN
       Rise Up, O Men of God
INTROIT ANTHEM
       Look upon my affliction and deliver me.
       Let thy hand be ready to help me.
PSALM
       At midnight I rise to praise thee, I rise before dawn and
       cry for help.  (Ps. 119:62, 147, 153, 173)
COLLECT
       Almighty God, who dost make the crooked straight, and
supporteth the upright in their afflictions: graciously hear the
prayers of thy servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of the
sword, but was raised up straight to endure the pain of martyrdom,
and grant us the strength to be upright in the face of suffering
and harder than stone when confronted with the wiles of the Devil,
Satan. We humbly ask this now and forever.  AMEN.
 
GRADUAL
       My beloved speaks and says to me, arise, my love, my fair
one,
       and come.  (Song of Songs 2:10)
ALLELUIA
       Alleluia.
       V. He has risen as he said.
       Alleluia. (Mt. 28:6)
OFFERTORY
       Rejoice in the lord, O you righteous!
       Praise befits the upright. (Ps. 33:1)
OFFERTORY HYMN
       Hail the Day that Sees Him Rise
COMMUNION
       Light dawns for the righteous
       And joy for the upright (Ps. 97:11)
RECESSIONAL HYMN
       Rock of Ages
 
       Alternates:
           Praise the Lord, Rise Up Rejoicing
           Stand Up! Stand Up!
           Strengthen for Service, Lord
           Come, Ye Thankful People, Come
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 08:41:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Re: Redneck Jokes <off. to rednecks...mebbe!>
 
Well, shet my mouth!!!  Yesterday, after posting the Redneck Jokes,
I received the following admonishment from, of all things, an
educated redneck!!!  Who'd a' thunk???
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
I am sure that you are receiving all sorts of encomiums for your
recent contribution to the Humor list, but I just wanted you to
know that I didn't see anything funny about any one of the items
you called "Redneck Jokes."
 
(1) What is the humor in having Sex Education just two days a
    week?  Do boys and girls in YOUR part of the country need
    more training?
 
(2) What is the humor in putting a recipe on an animal's cage?
    There is lots of folks who wouldn't know how to cook bear
    or horned owl, for instance, without it.  Especially city
    folks.
 
(3) So what if "HeeHaw" is called different things in different
    parts of the country?  In Georgia, we call it "The Classical
    Hour" when it is shown on public television.  Besides,
    different names don't mean anything.  Sometimes you say
    that you live in New England and sometimes you say that
    you live in Massachussetts.
 
(4) As for the bumper sticker and the size a girl needs to be
    to get married, I don't see any humor.  That's just life!
    Wake up and smell the coffee, Mr. Benoit.
 
After all, how would YOU like for someone to make fun of people in
different states in Massachusetts?
 
   Yurs sincerely,
Claddell Ledbetter
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 11:14:15 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/28/98 - A Top5 Classic!
 
                  The Top 15 Signs You Live Too
                  Close to an Amusement Park
 
15> You can't afford to buy film for your camera unless you
    drive to the next county.

14> You buy a swingset for your kids and some hoods from Disney
    pump your garage full of lead as a warning.
 
13> Merry-Go-Round riders constantly yanking out your wife's
    earrings.
 
12> There's a bearded lady in your back yard, and your
    mother-in-law is out of town.
 
11> You paid for your new Lexus with 43,800,000 skee-ball
    tickets.
 
10> Can't leave your driveway without backing over picketing
    Southern Baptists.
 
 9> Your house is on the park map as "Crappyland."
 
 8> Crazy kids hand you a buck, then smash your new Volvo with
    a sledgehammer.
 
 7> Your cat gets a hernia carrying home its last mouse kill.
 
 6> Every meal you've had for the past two months has been
    served on a stick.
 
 5> Neighborhood hookers require an "E" ticket.
 
 4> Scooby and his 'pesky' friends search your house for
    evidence regarding the creepy amusement park owner.
 
 3> The name of the damned place is "Six Flags Over Ed Smith."
 
 2> Your "It's a Small World" insanity plea successfully beats
    the mass murder rap.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Live
       Too Close to an Amusement Park...
 
 1> Despite your most amorous pleas, wife demands hand-stamp
    before re-entry.
 
 
   [        This list copyright 1996, 1998 by Chris White         ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 10:07:36 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: Humor in numbers [Clean]
 
98% of the lawyers make the other 2% look bad...
 
In a recent survey 40% found they didn't have time to answer the
question
25% hung up the phone when the question was being asked
20% couldn't speak english, and
15% gave answers that weren't asked.
 
It has been scientifically proven that 40% of the population
doesn't care what the other 60% are doing.
               ..............................

Two Hong Kong men imprisoned in the Philippines for nearly five
years on drug smuggling charges were freed when their convictions
were overturned on appeal.  When they attempted to leave Manila,
they were fined by the Immigration Bureau 50,000 pesos ($1925) for
remaining in the Philippines after their visas had expired.  After
the British Embassy pointed out that the men stayed because they
were in prison, the bureau reduced the fine to 28,500 pesons
($1095), claiming it was the fee for clearing up the paperwork.
               ..............................
 
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks
per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving
261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away
from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days
available.
 
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break - that accounts for
23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one-hour
lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving
only 22 days available for work.
 
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
with only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per
year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
 
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which means only 1
day is available to work, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU'RE GOING TO
TAKE THAT DAY OFF!
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 19:20:44 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Hows your day?
 
Kenneth DeLeon of Boca Raton FL is recovering from injuries
received when he was hit by a car, plummeted headfirst through its
windshield into the front seat, and then was pummeled and beaten by
the driver when he wouldn't get out. 
 
The driver, Adam Blumhof, 22, who finally evicted DeLeon two miles
later, is being held on felony charges.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 12:55:06 PST
From:    Josiah Brush <jwbrush@CCGATE.HAC.COM>
Subject: Shopping at Wal-Mart <rude>
 
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.  She doesn't know
which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
register. There  is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark
shades on. She says, "Excuse  me sir...can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
that it makes."  She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the
counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202
reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and
it's $20.00".
 
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what I'm looking
for so I'll take it."
 
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime
the woman farts.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.  He rings up the
sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
 
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
 
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 16:15:04 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Shady Bunch (Presidential Parody)
 
The Shady Bunch (to the tune of "The Brady Bunch")
 
Here's the story,
of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had Her Man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.
 
It's the story, of a man Slick Willy,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.
 
Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times He was her Lunch,
then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.
 
The Shady Bunch.......
The Shady Bunch...
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 16:35:25 -0700
From:    "Bradley Hayes (bhayes)" <bhayes@SEQUENT.COM>
Subject: FW: Behavior Modification...
 
David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully
grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word
was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least, rude.
 
David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try
and set a good example.  Nothing worked.   He yelled at the bird
and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more
angry and more rude.
 
Finally in a moment of desperation, David  put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking
and screaming then suddenly there was quiet.  David was frightened
that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended
arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my
language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.  I will endeavor
to correct my  behavior."
 
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just
about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot
continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 28 Aug 1998 21:34:54 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mouse Balls
 
Some of the best humor is real-to-life.  This story was related to
me yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person
by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received
from the church secretary last week.
 
Secretary:  Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where
you met with the confirmation class last week.  Some of the boys in
the class started messing with the mice.
 
Pastor:  What?!?!   {thinking: we've got mice in there????}
 
Secretary:  Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.
 
Pastor:  {incredulously:}  Th..th...they did what??????   How in
the world did they do that?
 
Secretary:  They must have used a screwdriver or something.
 
Pastor:  We've got some pretty sick boys...   I... I... didn't even
realize mice had balls...
 
Secretary:  Yeah, they roll around on 'em.
 
Pastor:  What??????  {still thinking of the little fury real
animals} Well...what can we do?
 
Secretary:  I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.
 
Pastor:   WHAT????????!!!!!!
 
Secretary:  Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Aug 1998 to 29 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
