HUMOR Digest - 27 Aug 1998 to 28 Aug 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 884 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Human Animal
  2. Misc. Humour
  3. Redneck Jokes <off. to rednecks...mebbe!>
  4. Brain cell migration (adult theme)
  5. Beethoven <clean & a groaner>
  6. A Clinton Tidbit
  7. Top 10 Foreign Film Reviews <American-centric :-)>
  8. Top5 - 8/27/98 - Signs You're at a Bad Air Show
  9. Abbott and Costello meet Windows 95
 10. Presidential Test <adult, Off. to Presidents>
 11. Humor:Offensive to W. Va/women+crude
 12. History
 13. PUMPkin FuN(Adult)
 14. Caesar Salad (Pun)
 15. Random things to think about...
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 03:31:22 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Human Animal
 
* Other cultures not-withstanding, the US has pretty much always
  been youth orientated.  With careful grooming, fashionable
  clothes and a light heart, one can take years off their actual
  calendar age.  Tell ya what though.  No matter how hard ya try,
  you still can't fool a long flight of stairs.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The lil' Columbia Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale
  pet center.  "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the
  salesman.  "Does that one have a good pedigree ?"
    "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't
  talk to either one of us."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The FBI had received a tip concerning a possible bombing of a
  casino in Las Vegas.  Two Agents, while on stake-out, noticed a
  colleague from the CIA.  "Look at Ferguson over there," said the
  one Agent, "he's gambling as if there's no tomorrow."
    "Hmmm..." replied the second Agent, "maybe he knows something."
                           - - - - -
 
* The Principal welcomed all the new teachers to the Junior High
  School.  "Time and experience will be your best teacher." he told
  them.  "But one quick word of advice.  You're bound to have at
  least one student who's eager to argue.  Your first impulse will
  be to silence them.  But before you do so, be careful.  He or
  she may the only one in the entire class who's listening."
                           - - - - -
 
* Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.  For example, a
  baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape;  likewise, a baby
  baboon will become an adult baboon.  A baby pig will mature into
  a full grown pig.  A baby jackass will always become a jackass.
  A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into
  a cur.  Yet oddly enuff, women say a young man may grow-up to be
  any one of these.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 06:45:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Misc. Humour
 
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
          ------------------------------
 
   The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will
you give me a ring?"
   "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
          ------------------------------
 
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at
the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks
he is sexy.
          ------------------------------
 
   A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple
next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses herevery time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
   "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her
well enough."
          ------------------------------
 
   A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote
upon it: "I pray for all."
   A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
   A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
   A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."
          ------------------------------
 
  Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.
 Hubby: Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
  Wife: Is that why u addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
          ------------------------------
 
   After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary: "Why
did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people
were feeling bored!"
   The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all;
but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
          ------------------------------
 
   A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes. The
interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly.
   "Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said,
"Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh."
          ------------------------------
 
   A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at
him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been
feeling well lately."
   "Well, I can see you are not eating right."
 
 
http://www.FindMail.com/list/dailyhumor/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 07:37:57 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Redneck Jokes <off. to rednecks...mebbe!>
 
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools
   use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
 
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo
   and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a discription of the animal
   on the front of the cage, plus it has a recipe too.
 
Q:  What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A:  A documentary.
Q:  What do they call it in Kentucky?
A:  "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
 
Q: How do you tell if a W.Virginian girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top,
   she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
 
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
   If you can read this, you're not from here!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 06:51:16 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Brain cell migration (adult theme)
 
 All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over
 nine months, develop into a complete female baby.  The problem
 occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make
 a male baby instead.
 
 Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells
 necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come
 from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.  Recent tests
 have shown that these cells are removed from the communications
 center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into
 male sexual organs.  If you visualize a normal brain to be similar
 to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few
 cards short, so to speak.  And some of their cards are in their
 shorts.  This difference between the male and female brain
 manifests itself in various ways.
 
 Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read.
 Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket
 over their heads and running into walls.  Little girls will think
 about doing things before taking any action.  Little boys will
 just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone
 asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half
 asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference
 continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into
 action and the trouble really begins.
  
 After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains
 differ, but the center of thought also differs.  Women think with
 their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies
 where their ex-brain cells reside.  Of course, the size of this
 problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of
 brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental
 capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such
 men are known in medical terms as "Republicans."  Other men suffer
 larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to
 as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell
 migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to
 as... "Mr. President."
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 15:43:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Beethoven <clean & a groaner>
 
     From another list:
 
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van
Beethoven,1770-1827.
 
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him.
 
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backward.
 
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played
in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the
7th, then the 5th.
 
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered
around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony
being played backward.
 
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone
in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
 
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's
 decomposing!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 10:22:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Clinton Tidbit
 
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the
Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom?  That's because it
represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false
sense of security while you're being screwed.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 09:31:20 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Top 10 Foreign Film Reviews <American-centric :-)>
 
The Top Ten Review Excerpts on the Video Boxes in the Foreign Films
Section at Blockbuster Video:
 
10. "Seething with indecipherable German eroticism."
 9. "The best Israeli film of the year."
 8. "A seminal work of obfuscated symbolism."
 7. "Winner of the coveted Golden Cheese Wheel from the Luxembourg
     Film Festival."
 6. "If you see one grainy, black and white movie this year,
     this should be it."
 5. "Throbbing with ennui."
 4. "A plot so subtle, you won't even know it's there."
 3. "Delightful moments of depth and insight into love and
     the human condition punctuated by full frontal nudity."
 2. "A lifetime of angst-ridden, emotionally-rich vignettes poured
     into three and a half hours that seem like a week."
 
     And the Number One Review Excerpt on a Video Box
     in the Foreign Films Section at Blockbuster Video:
 
 1. "It's...a...film."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 10:32:25 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/27/98 - Signs You're at a Bad Air Show
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                       August 27, 1998
           The Top 14 Signs You're at a Bad Air Show
 
14> It's running way behind schedule after 2 1/2 hours of
    blimp stunt flying.
 
13> While loop-de-looping over the audience, the "Amazing
    Olestra Wingwalker" leaves some accidental "vapor trails."
 
12> Highlight of show is flyover by TelStar Model XC29-3
    Communications Satellite .
 
11> The only Stealth Bomber is someone in the crowd who obviously
    had a burrito for lunch.
 
10> You're watching the show from a ski-gondola in the Italian
    Alps.
 
 9> "Blue Angels" run around the runway with their arms out in
    a line making motor noises with their lips.
 
 8> Low-flying daredevil aerobatics accompanied by the lilting
    strains of "Rocky Mountain High."
 
 7> For the kids: free balloon rides with master balloonist
    Steve Fossett.
 
 6> Hey! Is that a rope around Peter Pan's waist?
 
 5> Final score: Girl Scout Skeet Shooting Team 3, Blue Angels 0
 
 4> "Fifi the Wing-Walking Poodle" has tell-tale nail holes in
    her feet.
 
 3> Skywriting exhibition consists of the letter "I" and a lower
    case "l".
 
 2> "Stealth fighter" exhibit looks suspiciously like an empty
    field.
 
         and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Air Show...
 
 1> "Flying Tigers" show turns out to be 37 stray kittens and
    a catapult.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 15:51:02 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Abbott and Costello meet Windows 95
 
This is probably very old, but it is new to me.  And it's Abbott
and Costello.  'nuff said.
 
 
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott:   Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott:   That's great, Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard
          drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott:   That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott:   You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.
Abbott:   Oh?
Costello: I heard that you're a real computer expert.
Abbott:   Well, I don't know . . .
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to
          train me.
Abbott:   Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott:   O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that
          you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott:   That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to
          turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott:   Well, first you press the Start button, and then...
Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott:   I know, you press the Start button...
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off.
          I know how to start it.  So tell me what to do.
Abbott:   I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott:   When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott:   To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott:   Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott:   Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott:   Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott:   Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott:   No, no, no!  That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott:   To shut down the computer, press...
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott:   Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
          press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and
          Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the
          Start to Stop.
Abbott:   But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and
          Stop at green lights.
Abbott:   Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we
          started this conversation.
Abbott:   What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 12:28:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Presidential Test <adult, Off. to Presidents>
 
Well, by now the world has been inundated with Bill Clinton/Monica
Lewinsky jokes... I know I have! I must've passed on a million of
them by now... Now, some research has been compiled, showing that
the times, they ain't a-changin'... BTW, Bill Clinton is not the
correct answer for all of them!    (via Ilmar Saar)
 
     Presidential Test
  ----------------------
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl
     while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button"
     in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner
     AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched
     out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children)
     with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced
     her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his
     re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife
     while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
     personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House
     coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent
     prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner
     about the *other* president who did the same in a closet?
     (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS
      record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive"
      (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed
      showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?
 
 
      ANSWERS
 1. John F. Kennedy
 2. Bill Clinton
 3. Lyndon B. Johnson
 4. Thomas Jefferson
 5. Bill Clinton
 6. Andrew Jackson
 7. George Washington,
    Lyndon B. Johnson
 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt,
    John F. Kennedy
 9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 14:11:18 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to W. Va/women+crude
 
Three West Virginians are in a bar arguing about who has the
dumbest wife.
 
1st: My wife is so dumb she bought an electric clock radio and we
     don't have electricity!
 
2nd: You think that's bad. Mine bought a washing machine and we
     don'thave electricity or running water!
 
3rd: That's nothing! My wife is so dumb that she carries condoms in
     her purse and she doesn't have a cock!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 15:10:42 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: History
 
The following was posted on another humor list "dailyhumor"
 
Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by
teachers from 8th grade through college.
 
 1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
    hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
    Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
    inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
 
 2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
    book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from
    an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
    brother's son?"
 
 3) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
    unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
    Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
    died before he ever reached Canada.
 
 4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
 
 5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
    wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
    female moth.
 
 6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
    that name.
 
 7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
    people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
    of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
    decline.
 
 8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
    biscuits, and threw the java.
 
 9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
    people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
    long.
 
10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
    The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
    going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
 
11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
    playing the fiddle to them.
 
12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard
    Shaw.
 
13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
    for the same offense.
 
14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
    writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
    verses and also wrote literature.
 
15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
    apple while standing on his son's head.
 
16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
    success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
    shouted "hurrah."
 
17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
    invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
    invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is
    a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
    smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
    foot clipper.
 
18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
    He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
    never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
    He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
    Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
    couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
 
19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
    He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
    Milton  wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
    Paradise Regained.
 
20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
    a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
    the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and
    the Santa Fe.
 
21) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
    Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
    settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
    John Smith was responsible for all this.
 
22) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
    tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
    parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
    won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
 
23) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
    Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
    were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
    discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
    declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
    Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
 
24) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
    secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
    enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
 
25) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
    mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
    built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
    signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April
    14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat
    by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
    assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
    This ruined Booth's career.
 
26) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
    Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
    Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
    noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
    trees.
 
27) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
    large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
    spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
    to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world
    and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
    English. He was very large.
 
28) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
    he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
    everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
    later died for this.
 
29) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
    catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit
    his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
    have any children.
 
30) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
    Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
    Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 
    years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death
    was the final event which ended her reign.
 
31) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
    inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
    reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
    network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
    McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
    Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
    naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
    discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
    brothers.
 
32) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
    by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
    history.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 20:07:19 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: PUMPkin FuN(Adult)
 
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny,
as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander.  He
thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the
side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the
appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
 
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police
car pulling up.  The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
 
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says,
"A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 19:14:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Caesar Salad (Pun)
 
     From: Wayne Lewis
 
     California decriminalizes Caesar salad
     and Libertarian Party cheers "victory"
 
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar
salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian
Party said today.
 
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar
salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter.
"That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have
always been pro-legalization."
 
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that
used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included
Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
 
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged.
The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel
the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what
might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romain
lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
 
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday,
has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
 
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare
display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit
surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad
law entirely."
 
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual
approach, said Winter, perhaps...
 
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the
  government could do a medical background check for raw-egg
  allergies.
 
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with
  a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a
  small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
 
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps
  with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying
  pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your
  brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
 
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar
  salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's
  gateway-salad to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or
  three-bean salad.
 
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected
victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue
that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
 
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep
and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar
salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those
political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage
every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in
a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn...
TO JUST LETTUCE ALONE."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 27 Aug 1998 22:36:35 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Random things to think about...
 
* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
  is thatperson considered a hostage situation?
* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges
  didn't live there.
* Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* So what's the speed of dark?
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
  And who has been dissing them anyhow?
* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
* I just got skylights put in my place.
  The people who live above me are furious.
* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
  Special Olympics?
* When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
  woman talks dirty to a man, it's 3.95 per minute.
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
  appear bright until you hear them speak?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
  as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
  battery is dead?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
  Shouldn't they be called builts?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
  they already know you don't have?
* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
  universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
* If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
  would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
  charge of everything outdoors?
* Why do scientists call it research when looking for something
  new?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
  it's not a door?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
  you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
  progress?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
  liquid contains real lemons?
* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
  suitcase?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
  they all still working?
* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
* War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
 
 
http://hometown.aol.com/ericbarr/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Aug 1998 to 28 Aug 1998
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