HUMOR Digest - 26 Aug 1998 to 27 Aug 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 574 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Silver Screen <some adult humor>
  2. about fishing unfinished
  3. How Do They Do It???
  4. Tips from Old Catweasel's Farmer's Almanac
  5. Why It's Great Being A Guy (mildly sexist)
  6. <Humor> This Month in Science
  7. Literal Thinker
  8. <humor> News from The Annals of Improbable Research
  9. Whitehouse Lovin'
 10. ISRaeLi IceCreams
 11. Israeli joke (adult theme)
 12. The Spanish Musician (Pun)
 13. Duct Tape
 14. Kamikaze attack
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 03:42:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Silver Screen <some adult humor>
 
* It's long been said that Hollywood is a phony, backstabbing,
  pretentious, money-grubbing place full of misfits.  Of course,
  that's said only by the people who've actually lived there.
                             - - - - -
 
* Producers are a breed apart in Hollywood.  When any of them get
  married, they send out invitations to the ceremony, the
  reception, and tickets to "opening night".
                             - - - - -
 
* A novelist got on the Best Seller list again shortly after he'd
  finished his first novel.  Asked where he got the idea so
  quickly, he said it came from the movie version of his previous
  novel.
                             - - - - -
 
* Believe it or not, tradition and sentiment are big in Hollywood.
  For example, most young starlets always get divorced wearing the
  same dress their Mothers did when they got divorced.
                             - - - - -
 
* At last year's awards, one Hollywood star was so embarrassed.
  She and her dressmaker were wearing the exact same outfit --
  And he looked better than she did in it.
                             - - - - -
 
*   Unlike the old days when starlets had to sleep with either the
  director or producer to get a good part in a movie.  In the 90's,
  a lot of women are producing and/or directing movies.
    Wonder what they do -- sleep with themselves to get a role ?
                             - - - - -
 
* Go figure Hollywood and their rating system.  If there's a scene
  where a man kisses the bare breast of a woman, that gets at least
  an "R" rating.  But if in the same scene, instead of kissing her
  breast, he cuts it off with a chain saw, that's a "PG-13".
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 12:24:30 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: about fishing unfinished
 
    It's amazing how many different opinions are about fishing.
When I was a kid, I knew what fishing was. It was what I would do
while skipping classes. And it was good. And that was obvious,
because if I would get caught, I would get also punished. So, I
learned that what's good in life is punishable.
    Then I started going fishing "officially". And I found out what
my mother thought about fishing: a total waste of time. I grew
older and my fishing skills improved. So, I got to go fishing with
my uncle, which was a well-known sport-fisher. And I found out what
fishing was, in my grand-mother's opinion: a great way for my uncle
to ruin his car, his social life and his health.
    The other day I was watching TV, and I saw a fishing show. I
figured that it might be interesting. Nah! It was... frustrating!
This guy, in five minutes, casted five times. And he got out four
fishes! Four out of five! I am waiting for hours for a single bite,
and this guy, this... this... I don't wanna talk about it!
    Once, a girlfriend joined me fishing. She really begged me
around until I accepted. I just told her not to speak, or she'll
scare away the fish (!). She did so, but in the evening she asked:
"Hey, after all, why do you go fishing?" "What do ya mean?" I
asked. She says: "Well, I figured that all you do is just sit here
and every now and then you get a fish. And that you might consider
relaxing. But there is a hell of a lot more. I never thought about
the live bait, and pulling the fish out of the hook, and all the
disgusting things!"
    "You find fish and bait disgusting?" "Yeah!". I threw a fish at
her. It was a good hit, the good end of a good day. She never
called back.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 07:08:09 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How Do They Do It???
 
 Accountants do it with Double Entry
 Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
 Ambulance drivers come quicker
 Australians do it Down Under
 Auto racers do it at pit stops
 Bach did it using his organ
 Bankers do it with interest
 Bartenders do it on the Rocks
 Batman does it using his Robin
 Bookeepers do it for the record
 Bosses delegate the task to others
 Butchers do it with a big fat thumb
 Cement workers do it with their crack showing
 Chess players check their Mates
 Christians do it faithfully
 Climbers do it from up on top
 Cops do it with handcuffs
 Dancers do it step-by-step
 DJs do it on request
 Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
 Dentist do it orally
 Detectives do it under cover
 Divers do it deeper
 Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
 Electricians do it without shorts
 Elevator men do it up and down
 Engineers do it to specifications
 Firemen do it with a big hose
 Fisherman do it with a hook
 Frank Sinatra did it his way
 Garbagemen come twice a week
 Gardeners do it in the bush
 Gas attendants Pump all day
 Golfers do it in 18 holes
 Jeep owners do it an all fours
 Landlords do it every 1st of the month
 Lots of folks are doing it online nowadays
 Managers make others do it
 Marketing reps do it on commission
 Marines do it with longshoremen
 Mechanics do it from underneath
 Movers do it in the box
 Oil drillers do it with a long greasy shaft
 Philosophers do it questionably
 Physicists do it with high frequency
 Piano players do it with both hands
 Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
 Preachers...the devil makes them do it
 Programmers do it recursively
 Receptionists do it on the front desk
 Security guards do it all night long
 Union workers do it with pride
 Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
 Writers do it by the book
 Zoologists do it with animals
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 16:32:59 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Tips from Old Catweasel's Farmer's Almanac
 
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
 
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
 
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.  Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
 
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin'somebody else's dog around.
 
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.
 
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
 
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
 
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
 
Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
 
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then.
 
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n  puttin' it
back.
 
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it
was.
 
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
 
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 09:56:42 PST
From:    Josiah Brush <jwbrush@CCGATE.HAC.COM>
Subject: Why It's Great Being A Guy (mildly sexist)
 
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes A 5 day vacation
  requires only one suitcase
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
- You can open all your own jars
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
- When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every
  shot of someone crying
- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you
  everywhere you go
- You can go to the bathroom alone
- Your last name stays put
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
- You can kill your own food
- The garage is all yours
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
- You never have to clean the toilet
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
- Wedding plans take care of themselves
- If someone forgets to invite you to something,
  they can still be your friend
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
- You don't have to shave below your neck
- You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
- If you're 34 and single, no one notices
- Chocolate is just another snack
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
- Flowers fix Everything
- You never have to worry about other's feelings
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
- Car mechanics tell you the truth
- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
  thinking "He must be mad at me"
- One mood, all the time
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself
  to look like him
- Same work........more pay
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
- You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
- You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen
- The remote is yours and yours alone
- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the
  bathroom
- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would,
  he won't tell your friends you've changed
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
  you might become lifelong buddies
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
- If something mechanical didn't work,
  you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
- You think the idea of punting that small,
  ankle-biting dog is funny
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 13:49:33 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor> This Month in Science
 
     [Partial Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 13:50:17 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Literal Thinker
 
During the Vietnam war, a Second Lieutenant asked a Soldier why he
was holding his fire during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you
hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
 
The Soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
(Today, he's a politician in DC!)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 13:59:31 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> News from The Annals of Improbable Research
 
 mini-AIR Aug 98

 Anti-Buzz Beer
 
 Investigator Earle Spamer spied this item (presented here in toto)
 in the "Philadelphia City Paper," August 14-20, 1998, p. 16. It
 presents a scientific advance of great import:
        "Bulgaria's Lomsko Pivo brewery announced it has
         developed a beer that will neutralize the effects
         of radiation in humans.  Targeted for workers at
         nuclear power plants, the brew is nonalcoholic."
        -------------------------------------------------
 
  Sentence of Death: "Tological Reification"
 
 Investigator David Rind unearthed this month's entry in the
 Sentence of Death Contest. (The contest seeks examples of the very
 worst, most needlessly incomprehensible, sentence from a published
 scientific report.) It comes from the article "Health information,
 privacy, confidentiality and ethics," Eike-Henner W. Kluge,
 "International Journal of Bio-Medical Computing, vol 35 (Suppl 1)
 (1994), pp. 23-7. The abstract begins with this sentence:
        "Electronic patient records are becoming tologically
         reified entities that play the role of epistemic
         patient analogues in information space."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 19:49:07 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Whitehouse Lovin'
 
Sing along to "Summer Lovin'" from Grease
 
 
  Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
  Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
  Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
 
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
                          Tell us more, tell us more"
             Linda Trip: "Try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
           Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"
 
  Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
  Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
 
Investigation Committee:  "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
                           Tell us more, tell us more"
             Linda Trip:  "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
           Kenneth Star:  "Did he tell you to lie?"
 
 
  Bill:  "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:  "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
  Bill:  "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica:  "Wonder who is servicing him now"
 
Bill & Monica:  "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
                 But......oh.....Those White House Nights"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 15:14:58 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: ISRaeLi IceCreams
 
Ben and Jerry's new Israeli ice cream flavors
 
Wailing Walnut
Moishmallow
Mazel Toffee
Lehitra Oats
Rashi Road
Chazalnut
Olive Hashalom
Oy Ge-malt
Cherry Bim
Cherry Bum
Bubble G'mora
Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontashens
Soda & Gomorra
Manishta Nut
Balak Berry
Lubavicher Resberry
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Cashew Le'Pesach
Chuppapaya
Butter Shkotz
O-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
 
Of course, all flavors come in a Cohen
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 16:50:29 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Israeli joke (adult theme)
 
Tel Aviv's Ma'ariv newspaper recounts an Israeli joke which says
that, "According to polls, 12 percent of Americans think that oral
sex isn't sex but that's only because they're not doing it right!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 18:31:17 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Spanish Musician (Pun)

Young Jose Hernandez was wanted by the police, but before his
youthful, illegal indescretions, his history is a most fascinatng
one. Jose was the illegitimate sone of a nun, and he was raised in
a convent in northeastern Spain, near Barcelona. Among the skills
he learned while growing up was flute playing. Soon he left the
convent and became a musician of minor celebrity in the Barcelona
area. However, as a flute player, gigs were infrequent.
 
Eventually "Joe" Hernandez escaped his low-paying musician's job in
Spain and traveled throughout Europe and the Middle East, trying to
eke out a living. But wages were either low or non-existent for a
nun's son whose only skill was flute playing.
 
Joe tried farming, but never adjusted to life behind a plow, and
after working as a part-time farmer and pushing a plow, he quit
that job. He found himself destitute in Israel and was forced into
a life of crime.
 
He robbed a museum in the city of Haifa, Israel, and he got away
with many of the city of Haifa's historical relics. The people were
upset that their historical and religious icons had been robbed.
 
The Israeli police put out an all-points bulletin asking citizens
to be on the lookout for... "A Haifa-lootin', flutin'-tootin',
son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
 
          -By Ted Brett
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 19:17:39 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Duct Tape
 
RESOURCEFUL FATHERS
 
At the pediatric clinic where I work, more and more fathers come
in with their children.  One man was concerned that his
ten-month-old daughter had a diaper rash.  As I began undressing
the baby, I could see that Dad, a heating and air-conditioning
specialist, had used a trick of the trade to deal with flimsy
disposable-diaper tabs.
 
His daughter's diaper was securely reinforced with duct tape.
 
 
          -Audra Wise
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 20:19:59 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Kamikaze attack
 
    There is the final phase of the Big Two, and the Americans are
heavily bombing Japan. Since they do not have enough planes to
shoot the bombers down, the Japanese are using kamikaze pilots,
flying old, junk planes - but filled with explosive.
    So, there is this Japanese pilot, which sees a huge bomber. He
gets high behind him, gets a good target and starts diving into the
bomber. When he gets really close, he shuts his eyes tightly and
starts praying to the ancestors.
    And he prays. And he prays. And nothing happens. He open his
eyes and sees the American plane high above him. "Damn, he thinks,
I missed!"  He decides to try again. He repeats the approach... and
misses again. And again. And again.
    The pilot feels he's a failure, but he decides to try one more
time, go for suicide in case of failure. But this time, he turns on
the radio, just to hear the American pilot screaming.
    As he approaches the huge bomber, his eyes tightly shut, his
hand clasping the flight stick, he hears the other pilot:
"Hey, Mikey, would you mind opening the window?  Here comes that
crazy jap again!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Aug 1998 to 27 Aug 1998
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