HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1998 to 26 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 328 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Happy Anniversary <some adult humor>
  2. At the butchers
  3. About marriage
  4. Children Say...
  5. Minimum Drinking Age Raised
  6. THE hole
  7. The Bird Farmer (Pun)
  8. Minimum Drinking Age
  9. The New Age:Bathing Skills! <clean>
 10. IMPROPER LANGUAGE (Adult profanity)
 
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Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 03:29:43 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Anniversary <some adult humor>
 
* August 25, Mrs JimJr & I were happily married for 10 years --
  10 out of 36 ain't bad at all.
                            - - - - -
 
* She asked what I wanted to do to observe the occasion and I
  suggested two minutes of silence.
                            - - - - -
 
* I still remember our wedding day.  People who hadn't talked to
  each other in a long time did so; including Mrs JimJr and I.
                            - - - - -
 
* We almost didn't get married though.  I had so much fun at my
  bachelor party, I damn near called the wedding off.
                            - - - - -
 
* I was a more than a little worried at the ceremony though.  When
  the Minister asked if anyone objected to our marriage, about 145
  people from her side of the Church got in line.
                            - - - - -
 
* Before we were married Mrs JimJr used to always say, "You're only
  interested in one thing."   Trouble is now though, after 36
  years, I've forgotten what the hell it was.
                            - - - - -
 
* This year Mrs JimJr wanted to celebrate our anniversary by being
  "wild and crazy" like we were before we were married.  I told
   her,"OK, but only if ya tell me how ya made out in the morning."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Talk about a blushing bride.  Mrs JimJr's sister asked her if
  we were going directly to Virginia Beach after the reception
  for our honeymoon.
    Mrs JimJr told her, "Well, first we want to get our things
  together."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 10:28:09 +0100
From:    Nik Makepeace <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: At the butchers
 
I was at the butcher's shop the other day when he said, "I'll give
you those pieces of meat, the ones up there hanging off the
ceiling, if you can jump up and touch them.
 
I said, "No way.  The steaks are too high."
 
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Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 23:55:45 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: About marriage
 
Received that from a friend. I didn't bother to check the
authenticity. After all, not the authenticity makes the fun!
 
I was the best man at the wedding.
If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? --Jerry Seinfeld
 
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.    ---George Burns
 
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word--
if only she'd get to it.      ---Henny Youngman
 
My parents stayed together for forty years,
but that was out of spite.    ---Woodey Allen
 
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps
with the enemy.     ---Anonymous
 
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits,
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
               ---Barbra Streisand
 
I told someone I was getting married,
and they said "Have you picked a date yet?
I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!"
"What a country! "       ---Yakov Smirnoff
 
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
"You're only interested in one thing," and you can't
remember what it is.     ---Milton Berle
 
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!   ---Henny Youngman
 
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,
two plumbers, and a bartender.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 10:57:25 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Children Say...
 
Asked of children:  "What are some titles of the love ballads
you can sing to your beloved?"  Their responses:
 
 
How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?
-- Arnold, age 10
 
You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.
-- Larry, age 8
 
I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!
-- Eddie, age 6
 
I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When
I'm with My Friends.
-- Bob, age 9
 
Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are
One!
-- Will, age 7
 
Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.
--  Sharon, age 9
 
 
Then they were asked:  What most people are thinking when they say
"I love you"?
 
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day.
-- Michelle, age 9
 
Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.
-- Dick, age 7
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 10:31:25 -0500
From:    "Glenn E. Lanier II" <LANIER@EPOS.COM>
Subject: Minimum Drinking Age Raised
 
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Georgia to 32?
 
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 14:11:33 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE hole
 
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few
pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
 
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
 
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
 
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
 
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a
goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men,
then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it.
Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
 
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
 
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
 
"You bet we did!  Craziest thing I ever seen!  It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
 
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat
was chained to a railroad tie."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 17:31:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Bird Farmer (Pun)
 
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his
own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his
current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large
tract of land.
 
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared
to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just
selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the
birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were
being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly
colored rhea feathers.
 
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment,
technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy,
colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made
the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.
The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.
 
The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine
the nature of the illness. It was discovered that without
exception, the workers had developed a severe case o ...
"dye a rhea".       -By M. Giles
 
 
"and that reminds me of the long story about the guy who became...
the biggest lamb dyer in Texas."   -By Asa Sparks
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 21:30:01 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Minimum Drinking Age
 
I changed yesterday's posting about the minimum drinking age change
in Georgia to Oklahoma and sent it to a colleague there. This is
her response.

> No, no, no.  You got that wrong.  Must be thinking of Arkansas.
> In Oklahoma, we just reduce the alcohol content until the beer
> tastes like it has been filtered thru a horse --
> so no one wants to drink it!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 09:57:13 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The New Age:Bathing Skills! <clean>
 
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when
finally someone noticed and called the cops.
 
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him
dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo
next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said: "Wet hair Apply shampoo Lather
Rinse Repeat"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 26 Aug 1998 01:23:57 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: IMPROPER LANGUAGE (Adult profanity)
 
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric
company's complaint department to ask for help.
 
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our
community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.
 
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits.
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to
call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.
 
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use
is 'fucking shovel.'"
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1998 to 26 Aug 1998
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