There are 13 messages totalling 401 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. jokes (the sick, the adult and the blond)
  2. Columbia Maryland
  3. The News <adult>
  4. What's The Prognosis???
  5. MATH in the 90's..
  6. Just Married <adult>
  7. ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++
  8. Hurricanes <just plain dumb>
  9. Howzat?
 10. Adult theme (And, with apology for historical inaccuracy)
 11. The Carpenters (Pun)
 12. Won't Hurt Much
 13. A MAN, A WOMAN AND A CAT: STAGES IN A RELATIONSHIP
 
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Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 09:20:01 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: jokes (the sick, the adult and the blond)
 
          The sick:
A little girl walked out of the bathroom to find her mother making
a cake. She says, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
 
Her mother says, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
          The adult:
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
sports car over to the curb.  When he walked up to the driver's
window, he was surprised to find a very attractive redhead behind
the wheel.  "Ma'am," he said, "I'm afraid we're going to have to
give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been
drinking."
 
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said,
"Well, ma'am, it appears you've had a couple of stiff ones
tonight."
 
"That's amazing!" the girl cried.  "I didn't know they could it
show that, too!"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
          And the blond:
Q: What did the blond name her pet zebra?
 
A: Spot!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 03:40:22 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland
 
* People keep telling me that I exaggerate about the Yuppies in
  Columbia.  Oh Yeah ?  Well, where else would you find people
  who think filet mingnon is "soul food" ?
                             - - - - -
 
* And when I mention the BMW's running around in Columbia, I don't
  think most of you realize that they're split levels or better.
                             - - - - -
 
* Even the youngest kids are affected.  The other kids snub anyone
  who doesn't have at least 2 vice-presidents for their piggy banks
                             - - - - -
 
* The two new stores scheduled to open in the Columbia Mall will
  have elevator music.  No big deal ?  Yes, but it's live music !
                             - - - - -
 
* Columbia also has more "au pairs" per square foot than anywhere
  else.  That in itself is unusual enuff it seems to me.  But when
  you consider all the au pairs have maids...
                            - - - - -
 
* Returning home from a month in Europe a Yuppette was asked by a
  friend how she enjoyed her trip.  "Oh, it was just terrible !"
  she replied.  "The whole place is full of foreigners."
                             - - - - -
 
*   I got lost one time in Columbia and asked a lil' Yuppette for
  some directions.
    She said, "I'm very sorry Sir, I'm unable to assist you.  I'm
  afraid I'd have to point."
                             - - - - -
 
* Shopping is the town sport for most women in Columbia.  One lil'
  Yuppette was in an "upscale" dress shop and was debating about a
  rather fancy evening gown.  The salesgirl came over and asked if
  she could help.  The Yuppette said, "I'm just not sure about this
  dress, it's attractive, but it's so much less than I wanted to
  spend"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 12:24:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The News <adult>
 
Mr VG Kumar writes to me..
 
India bursts a nuclear device and Clinton said
"Sign the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty"
Clinton bursts his `zipper` and India says
"Sign the Comprehensive Sex Ban Treaty"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 07:13:43 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What's The Prognosis???
 
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and
tell me what's wrong with me."
 
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"
 
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
 
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong
 principles against it."
 
 "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
 
 "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
  night and I always have been."
 
 The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do
 you have pains in your head?"
 
 "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
 
 "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. It's obvious that
  your halo is on too tight!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 07:39:11 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: MATH in the 90's..
 
Teaching Math in 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math in 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80
What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math in 1970 A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a
set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element
is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the
set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer
points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M"
and answer the following question
What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
 
Teaching Math in 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment Underline the number 20.
 
Teaching Math in 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
trees?  There are no wrong answers.
 
Teaching Math in 1996 By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain
per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages
investment.
 
Teaching Math in 1997 A company out-sources all of its loggers. The
firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down,
the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a
nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
 
Teaching Math in 1998 A laid-off logger with four kids at home and
a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he
nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback.
Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
 
Teaching Math in 1999 A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing way several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer
in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 0001, 01/01/00?
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 14:05:59 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Just Married <adult>
 
(via JKmistress)
 
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally
retired to their hotel room.  After making her preparations, the
bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his
knees in front of the bed.
 
"What are you doing?" she asked.
 
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
 
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 18:42:19 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Re: ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++
 
On Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:07:34 -0500, a joke appeared:
"Birthdays of Little Known People
 
January 23rd
Michael T. Mullen   acutally spent time reading
                    Birthdays of Little Known People
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 14:23:15 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Hurricanes <just plain dumb>
 
Things to remember about hurricanes:

- The best way to survive a hurricane is to plan ahead.
  When it hits, plan to have your head somewhere else.
- Remember, it is usually much more difficult to buy flood
  insurance during a hurricane.
- A hurricane watch means there is a threat of hurricane conditions
  within 24 to 36 hours. So there is still plenty of time to board
  up the windows and find your swim fins.
- A hurricane warning means, if you hang around, within 24 hours
  you will have a very bad hair day and a dishpan body.
- The good thing about hurricanes is that in the eye of the storm,
  nobody pays that much attention to your makeup.
- Remember to keep fresh batteries in your radio. Though during an
  actual hurricane, Howard Stern may not be that funny.
- You know it's time to evacuate when you notice lawn furniture in
  the trees.
- Be sure to store drinking water in a clean bath tub. To take a
  bath, just step outside naked for seven seconds.
- Always keep a flashlight handy. Nobody wants to drown in the
  dark.
 
 
From Laughs Today at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 18:55:56 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Howzat?
 
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He
says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she
never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." 

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15
feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move
about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll
get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
 
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is
chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He
hears no response.  He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No
reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and
moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
 
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 19:38:14 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Adult theme (And, with apology for historical inaccuracy)
 
Shortly after the end of World War I, the Great War, a radio news
commentator was interviewing a British air ace and asked him to
recount one of his more dangerous encounters during the war. The
air ace readily agreed and began by saying, "Early one morning,
flying over southeastern France, I looked to my left and saw two
Fokkers. To my right there were three more Fokkers, and dead ahead
were two more Fokkers."
 
At this point, the news commentator interrupted and said, "For the
sake of our listening audience, I shall explain that a Fokker is a
German, fighter aircraft."
 
The air ace replied, "Yes, that's true. However, these Fokkers were
flying Messerschmitts!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 19:07:56 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Carpenters (Pun)
 
Don and Dan were carpenters who specialized in the installation of
laths for plasterers. They were different as cheese and chalk. Don
would nail as fast as he could, not too carefully, while Dan was
slow and methodical, insisting on painstaking detail so the work
would stand a long time. A prospective customer inspected the work
of both men and questioned previous employers. He discovered that
while Don worked for less wages, his work was not perfect. Dan who
practiced permanency was the best. Dan was hired because the
householder realized that...
he whose laths last, laths best.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 24 Aug 1998 20:23:37 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Won't Hurt Much
 
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab
to have blood drawn.  The technician there was friendly and
mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to
leave the service in two months.  As he applied the tourniquet on
my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much.  Then,
noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
 
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly
and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
 
     -Sherri Viniard
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 25 Aug 1998 01:29:59 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: A MAN, A WOMAN AND A CAT: STAGES IN A RELATIONSHIP
 
At the beginning of a relationship...
Woman: Darling, I'd like you to meet my cat.
  Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.) Uh, hi. Nice kitty.
 
As the relationship progresses...
Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don't like my cat.
  Man: That's ridiculous. I love Poopsie.
       (under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship)
 
As the relationship reaches a more stable level...
Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap.
  Man: Well, I guess she's not so bad.
       (Darn thing's shedding all over my new suit.)
 
Later...
Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me.
  Man: You know that's not true. I can't help it if she follows
       me around all the time.
 
The final stages...
  Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere?
Woman: What do you mean, your cat?
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Aug 1998 to 25 Aug 1998
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