HUMOR Digest - 23 Aug 1998 to 24 Aug 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Mrs JimJr - Chef Unaware
  2. bullying, not always an option
  3. Hot Diggety Dog <adult>
  4. +++ THE CHURCH of APATHY +++
  5. ^^  Who are you calling colored ? ^^
  6. ^^^  SAM'S SHACK ^^^
  7. ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++
  8. Americans with no Abilities Act (political parody)
  9. Amish Ass(Adult)
 10. Visit to the Dentist (Pun)
 11. At the Vets
 12. THE MOURNFUL MAN
 
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Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 03:26:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr - Chef Unaware
 
A few "fans" wrote to say I was unduly harsh on Mrs JimJr in my
recent post regarding her alleged cooking abilities. Let me give
y'all a few more facts and you be the Judge:
 
* She was so inexperienced when we were first married...
  Instead of cracking eggs, she opened them with a can opener.
 
* Just last month, "Bon Appetit" tried to buy her subscription
  back for double the value.
 
* Her homemade soup is a little tough though.
  We're the only family I know who uses soup knives.
 
* Her coffee is a bit strong too...
  You have to be careful not to cut your lip.
 
* I'll admit she does come-up with some interesting combos though.
  How many of you have ever had chili a la mode ?
 
* Thanksgiving JimJr Jr asked what kind of turkey it was.
  I said, "Wait and I'll see if we have the dental records".
 
* Since my heart attack, she's been feeding me a lot of fish.
  Once in a while, I find myself breathing thru my cheeks.
 
* And since I've retired she's tried to economize a lot.
  Just last week, we had ankle of veal.
 
* When we have spaghetti, it's always without meatballs.
  You see, her meatballs explode on impact.
 
* Once at a Ouija party, she served an interesting tray of snacks.
  The Ouija Board spelled out, "Don't eat the snacks."
 
* I will admit though a lot of people say no one cooks like her.
  The Vietnam Vets we know all say it reminds them of POW camp.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 22 Aug 1998 18:59:16 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: bullying, not always an option
 
    There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.
    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."
    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires
me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to
return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and
credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and
when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave
home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
 
     -thanx to DanC
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 10:30:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hot Diggety Dog <adult>
 
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The
doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
 
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous
buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek
into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she
would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on
her trailer floor.  Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She
nearly drove me crazy.  So I got a bright idea.  The other day I
got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I
slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down
on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock
at the door."
 
"And then?" asked the doctor.
 
"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it
under the stove."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:04:31 -0500
From:    rubin <rubin@PANAMA.C-COM.NET>
Subject: +++ THE CHURCH of APATHY +++
 
                +++  THE CHURCH of APATHY +++
                           (satire)
 
Join our Church of Apathy when you get good and ready, or
around-to-it. This is the official church for those that don't wish
to identify with a specific religion.  For those that feel that
atheism and agnosticism are just too much damm work. Others who
believe that their religion solves all their problems, need not
apply.
 
We are a relatively New Religion with new attitudes.  We are
Apathists. We seek no converts.  We distribute no pamphlets.  We
ring no door bells.
 
The Church of Apathy was thought about by its Founders for several
years, before they decided to organize on December 26th, 1968,
they decided not to become tax exempt, nor claim any guidance from
any divine source.
 
In 1979 they decided to look around for a suitable church site,
but that effort proved to be too much trouble, and besides they
really didn't care where they met anyway.  The founders thought
they should have a clergy person, but so far all that applied were
rejected.  They asked stupid questions about our not having a
prayer book with writing in it.  Some complained that we didn't
have a Symbol or a Logo identifying our religion. Some wanted us to
light candles, bless wine, chant, sway. kneel, pray or in general
"carry on" like mainstream religions... all of these candidates
for the clergy person were rejected.
 
We soon will be celebrating the 30th year of our founding.  We
Apathists encourage those that share our deeply rooted apathy to
think about joining our church as non-active members.  We seek no
donations nor offerings... you keep your money, and we'll keep
ours. As we have no mother church, postal address, telephone
number, or website, we are sometimes difficult to locate.  However
if you have faith, and are not in any big rush to join our Church
of Apathy, you are the type of person that could benefit by being
an Apathist.
 
We are happy to say that in almost 30 years, not one of our
members has been called "a dirty Apathist " to their face, they
have demanded, and received "apple fritters" as their religious
rights, in prisons and university cafeterias, and our Religion is
not part of any college course on "Comparative Religions", and as
far as we know, none of our faithful have been healed, saved, or
converted. Some have rented from Avis but we consider that as free
will.  Someday we would like to sponsor our own TV ministry, but we
haven't figured out as yet what to preach about. We strongly
believe that one should not take YES for an answer... but if they
do, they do.
 
We do have a motto:  Don't Bother Us...and We Won't Bother You.
 
     -writ by rubin... reluctantly.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:05:27 -0500
From:    rubin <rubin@PANAMA.C-COM.NET>
Subject: ^^  Who are you calling colored ? ^^
 
        Negro, colored, black....
        Nicole Burkes, 12, Southwook Junior High
 
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I am sick, I am black.
When I go out in the sun, I am black.
When I am cold, I am black.
When I die, I will be black.
But you... when you are born, your are pink.
When you grow up, you are white.
When you are sick, you are green.
When you go out in the sun, you turn red.
When you are cold, you turn blue.
When you die, you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:06:26 -0500
From:    rubin <rubin@PANAMA.C-COM.NET>
Subject: ^^^  SAM'S SHACK ^^^
 
                 ^^^^  SAM'S  SHACK  ^^^^
 
A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave
desert. Its the middle of summer and the area is not named "Death
Valley" for nothing, so he decides to hike out. By the time he
finally reaches even a dirt road, he is on his last legs and dying
of thirst. Up ahead he spots a roadside stand and a shack. He gets
to his feet and stumbles up to the stand.
 
"Water!" he croaks.
 
Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water.
My brother Sam, he sells bottled water in the shack next door. I
sell ties... Wanna buy a tie?"
 
"No, I need water," the dying man says. So he drags himself over to
the door of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts
to walk in, when Sam, the shack owner, stops him.
 
"Sorry, can't get in without a tie!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:07:34 -0500
From:    rubin <rubin@PANAMA.C-COM.NET>
Subject: ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++
 
          ++  BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++
 
May 22nd
Emanuel B. Elfenbein     discovered club soda
 
August 8th
Dennis Edward Dolfi      wrote Beethoven's 10th symphony
 
January 31st
Gerry Beaudoin           refills BIC pens for illiterate people
 
October 9th
Isabella Barsky          lead singer with the "G Spots"
 
March 13th
Saul William Foos        sentenced to 9 months, for stealing milk
                         from a nursing mother.
 
September 17th
Richard B. Nava          ate seven eggs, still in hens
 
December 26th
Max Linda Bacon          had sex with an armadillo
 
April 23rd
Mary Carol Nerdrum       changed her name from Mary Esther Nerdrum
 
February 3rd
Robert Woody Sprick      keeps a record of every Atheist holiday
 
November 19th
Wade Campbell Cohen      invented alphabet soup
 
June 30th
Evelyn Iris Shuman       has world's largest collection of Tampon
                         strings
 
July 5th
Marilyn Monroe           does Janet Reno look-A-like routine at
                         conventions
 
October 28th
Ralph S. Mothner         has just received a patent for F-Mail
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 14:08:12 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Americans with no Abilities Act (political parody)
 
     Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act
     August 7, 1998 WASHINGTON, DC, UPI, AP Wire
 
     On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities
Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection
for more than 135 million talentless Americans.  The act, signed
into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being
hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
     Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own
do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role
for themselves in society, said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard
and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.
     Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25
million important-sounding-middle-man positions will be created in
the white collar sector for nonabled persons,  providing them with
an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance based raises and promotions will also be offered to
create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
utterly replaceable employees.
     The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to
hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.
     Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains
tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled
by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview
questions as,
          -What can you bring to this organization?
                              and
          -Do you have any special skills that would
           make you an asset to this company?
     "As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to
keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing
clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her
lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people
like me."
     With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz
and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally
see a light at the end of the tunnel.
     Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of
his or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in
this great nation."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 17:56:08 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Amish Ass(Adult)
 
Q: What do you call an Amish with his arm up a horses' ass?
 
A: A mechanic.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 17:50:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Visit to the Dentist (Pun)
 
He was still a novice. His goal was to become an Arahat, a worthy
person. He had given up all his possessions, his family and his
friends. He had studied Tripikita night and day and had strove to
follow the Noble Eightfold Path, but it was not enough. He had not
reached the inner peace, the perfection, the Nirvana necessary to
finally become a lama.
 
Then the toothache came. It would not stop no matter how much he
tried to meditate. Yoga failed. He had to visit the dentist who
found caries extending down to the root. He would need a root canal
operation.
 
He readily agreed. Anything to stop the pain. The dentist offered
Novacaine or Nitrous Oxide. He refused. He had the entire root
canal done without any type of anesthesia. And when the operation
was finished he knew that he had reached his goal in life. He was
finally able to...
transcend dental medication.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 19:13:00 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: At the Vets
 
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and
the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a
technician came to her co-worker's defense.  "Sir," she
interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this
office?"
 
     -Viviane Huestis
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 23 Aug 1998 23:45:03 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: THE MOURNFUL MAN
 
A friend reminded me about the time he was putting flowers on his
Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very distraught, in
front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees,
hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head
tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning
softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" over and over again.
 
Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the
poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you
die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his arm around the man and
half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there.
Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
 
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Aug 1998 to 24 Aug 1998
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