HUMOR Digest - 21 Aug 1998 to 22 Aug 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 827 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Thoughts On Men & Women <clean,off. to women>
  2. If
  3. Men-Women Differences
  4. Assorted Humour (off. to many)
  5. Clinton's Address <poss.off to clinton supporters)
  6. Desert island <adult, sick>
  7. SOLD!!!
  8. Women (offensive to females and religious persons)
  9. EXCUSE NOTES FROM "PARENTS"
     <Contains some suggestive material>
 10. Nursery Rhyme (suggestive)
 11. More Presidential Humor (adult, of course)
 12. Vaginitis<adult content>
 13. Condom Shopping <adult>
 14. BIKER TEE SHIRT(adult language)
 15. About Seinfeld - part deux
 16. Two Poems (Puns)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 12:29:20 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Thoughts On Men & Women <clean,off. to women>
 
The family picture is on His desk
     -Ah, a solid, responsible family man
The family picture is on Her desk
     -Um, her family will come before her career
 
His desk is cluttered
     -He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man
Her desk is cluttered
     -She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain
 
He is talking with his coworkers
     -He must be discussing the latest deal
She is talking with her coworkers
     -She must be gossiping
 
He's not in the office
     -He's meeting customer
She's not in the office
     -She must be out shopping
 
He's having lunch with the boss
     -He's on his way up
She's having lunch with the boss
     -They must be having an affair
 
The boss criticized Him
     -He'll improved his performance
The boss criticized Her
     -She'll be very upset
 
He got an unfair deal
     -Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal
     -Did she cry?
 
He's getting married
     -He'll get more settled
She's getting married
     -She'll get pregnant and leave
 
He's having a baby
     -He'll need a raise
She's having a baby
     -She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits
 
He's going on a business trip
     -It's good for his career
She's going on a business trip
     -What does her husband say?
 
He's leaving for a better job
     -He knows how to recognize a good opportunity
She's leaving for a better job
     -Women are not dependable
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 00:10:04 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: If
 
     [note: I did not write this; I'm only forwarding it]
 
If (With apologies to Kipling)
 
If you can get some head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming all on you;
If you can't trust yourself when many doubt you,
But take advantage of their trusting too;
If you stonewall and go right on stonewalling,
Or, lying through your teeth, deny your lies,
And, being galled, turn about to galling,
And so don't look too good, nor act too wise;
 
If you can lust--and lust becomes your master;
If you can think--but thoughts don't shape your acts;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
But nothing learn from either of those facts;
If you can bear to hear the lies you've spoken
Turned by knaves to make a trap for you,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And act like you'd got something on your shoe;
 
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on sly fellatio,
Get caught, forget a thousand sinnings
And never have a thought what grace you owe;
If you can force your heart and brain and muscle
To serve expedience when counseled by the polls
And so cave in when caving suits your hustle,
Ignore the Voice which points you to true goals;
 
If you can talk with crowds with seeming virtue,
And flatter pols on whom you put the touch;
If gain of foes nor loss of friends will hurt you;
If rightness counts with you, but not too much;
If you can fill the all-important sound-bite
With thirteen seconds' pious sentiment
Your world is politics, a blackguard downright
And--which is more--you'll be a President!
 
 
     -Marty Lubin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 03:26:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men-Women Differences
 
* Many men say women cannot be trusted too far.
  Many women on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close
                            - - - - -
 
* Most men realize they'll never be able to "change" any woman.
  Women try to change men, but they only succeed when he's a baby.  
                            - - - - -
 
* A lot of men claim they're "well read".
  Women insist the sports pages, comics & "PlayBoy" don't count.
                            - - - - -
 
* Most husbands would love to do all of the things that their wives
  suspect they're doing all the time.
                            - - - - - 
 
* Most wives think their husbands got a prize when they married
  them.  Most husbands think they should've gotten a reward instead
                            - - - - -
 
* There are still a few men who claim to be "self-made" men.
  There are no self-made women; their plans change too often to
finish
                            - - - - -
 
* Men say if you don't praise women, they think you don't care.
  Women say if you praise men, they think they're too good for you. 
                            - - - - -
 
* Fathers believe that wrinkles are hereditary.
  Mothers KNOW that wrinkles come from husbands and kids.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 06:53:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Humour (off. to many)
 
 Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?
 A: Karate is a method of self-defense,
    Judo is what bagels are made of.
               -------------------------

Two blondes purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it
a try.  After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well,
we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly,
we'll shoot the son of a gun!"
               -------------------------

           Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:
 
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows
no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to
cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is
(you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze
Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got
the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
               -------------------------
 
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The
other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
               -------------------------
 
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you pick up anything with that?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 13:01:09 +0200
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: Clinton's Address <poss.off to clinton supporters)
 
THE WHITEHOUSE -- "Today we struck back", said Bill Clinton,
perjurer-adulterer of the United States of America after having
announced attacks on seven targets in Washington DC. "We have
convincing prove that Kenneth bin Laden is behind the recent
attacks", said the President, referring to recent Grand Jury
hearings. The President assured that these strikes were not
retalliatory but "to prevent Kenneth bin Laden and his Office of
Islamic Counsel from carrying out threats".
 
One target struck in Washington DC is claimed to be a chemical
weapons factory, though OIC officials identify it as a
"courthouse". Clinton is said to have decided for these attacks
after intelligence indicated he might be recalled to the "Grand
Inquisition of the Office of Islamic Counsel" as the Pentagon
qualified recent hearing.
 
In response to "Wag the Dog"-allegations, the President retorted:
"Wag the Dog, hey, that Monica piece of tail can wag *my* dog all
she wants!"
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 14:38:01 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Desert island <adult, sick>

Three survivors of a shipwreck ended up on a deserted island. There
were two male sailors and a pretty female maid.

After two months the maid said: "I've had enough of these pervert
games! I'm gonna kill myself!".

After two months from that one sailor said: "I've had enough of
these pervert games! We're gonna bury her!".

Another two months later the other said: "I've had enough of these
pervert games! We're gonna dig her up!"
 
 
http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 11:47:54 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: SOLD!!!
 
(via Dvlwitch)
 
I saw this 1997 Cadillac advertised privately for $50, so I bought
it without question. The lady seller gave me the title and a
receipt.
 
Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you.  It has a
retail value of around $35,000."
 
"Oh, I know," she said.  "It's loaded, and my late husband paid
$39,000 for it just before he died.  But in his will he left
instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to his
mistress.  I can't wait to see her face when I give her the fifty
dollars!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 09:12:32 PDT
From:    Nauman Shahid <nshahid@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Women (offensive to females and religious persons)
 
Product Defect Report to God.
 
After receiving item (1 tall gorgeous female) I have found several
defects that should be addressed immediately before shipping any
further products.  These defects include and probably are not
limited to:
  Ticking Biological Clock
    - We either need this thing removed or a snooze button
  Make Love Button
    - Some models were shipped colder than others
  Silence Mode
    - Sometimes goes out of control browbeating any male
      in sight
  Cuddle/No Cuddle control
    - Cuddling just gets outta hand sometimes, ya know...
 
Other than these problems everything is pretty good. Can we somehow
manage a way to acquire several models without the usual ensuing
chaos.
 
Thanks God.
 
PS:  Why were some shipped top heavier than others?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 09:45:56 -0700
From:    "Bradley Hayes (bhayes)" <bhayes@SEQUENT.COM>
Subject: EXCUSE NOTES FROM "PARENTS"
         <Contains some suggestive material>
 
     These are actual excuse notes from parents
     (including original spelling)
 
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
 
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32 and also 33.
 
Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She as sick and I had her shot.
 
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
She is administration.
 
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
 
John has been absent because he has two teeth
taken out of his face.
 
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
 
Megan could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.
 
Chris will not be in school today CUs he has an
acre in his side.
 
Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.
 
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He has diahre dyrea direthe the sh#@$.
 
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
he had dirrhea and his boots leak.
 
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
 
Please excuse Jimmy for being.
It was his father's fault.
 
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
 
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
 
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.
 
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.
 
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
 
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
 
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
 
Mayrann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached
all  over.  I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
 
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
 
     - Collected by Nisheeth Parekh
       Univ of Texas Medical Branch
       Galveston
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 13:16:27 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Nursery Rhyme (suggestive)
 
Mary has a little skirt
with a slit right up the sides.
When Mary wears that skirt to work
the boys can see her thighs.
Mary has another skirt
with a slit right up the front.
But she never wears that one to work
because the boys ............................
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 14:25:42 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Presidential Humor (adult, of course)
 
           "Quotes on President"
 
The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's
usually three different stories.   --Sam Donaldson
 
If the president could convince every woman in America that the
Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich
 
What's wrong with extending my probe?  The president did the same
thing.    --Kenneth Starr
 
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the
entire Grand Jury.   --Monica Lewinsky
 
Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV
sportscaster?       --Marv Albert
 
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying
to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who
swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of
my own work done.        --Vernon Jordan

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure
the door is locked.      --George Stephanopoulos

The FBI reports less crime in the U.S. for the sixth straight year.
"It's no wonder," said one observer. "All of Clinton's business
associates are either dead or in prison already."
 
One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!
 
Is it true that are changing the name of the Virgin Islands since
Clinton has been there?
 
They should call the Clinton's White House the "New Left."
I mean, they're so far from being right about anything...
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
"Top Clinton Defenses:"
 
 8. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top!
 7. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV.
 6. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is 16.
 5. Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer
    Flowers.
 4. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for
    my second term in office.
 3. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname.
 2. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
 
      AND for those of you who remember the famous "I didn't
      inhale," comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.....
 
 1. "I didn't insert..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 13:36:28 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Vaginitis<adult content>
 
Extracts from response to SA womens magazine article
 
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex,
a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as
vaginitis.
 
The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide.
The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising
agency that created the Femina and who swears that every single one
of them is genuine.  Here with extracts from some of the most
hilarious:

 1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an
    English copy of your vaginitis...
 2. Please send me the following symptoms : itching, discharge,
    unpleasant smell...
 3. I am one of those with a virginal problem...
 4. I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable...
 5. Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got
    enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to
    come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this
    Nelex...
 6. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly...
 7. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help...
 8. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having
    sex...
 9. My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bed
    time...
10. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections
11. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please
    send me another medicine...
12. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so
    maybe you can help me...
13. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your
    vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable...
14. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy.
    All in  vain...
15. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the
    weather is cold or foggy
16. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news
    about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not
    having intercourse at all...
17. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry.
    I went to the hospital and thay told me I have too much sex.
    Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity...
18. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial
    infractions..
19. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me.
    What do you want me to do...
20. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it...
21. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband
    alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you
    close my virginia for me...
22. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant...
23. The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert
24. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes
    but it doesn't help...
25. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell...
26. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have
    written...
27. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an
    infection...
28. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he
    hasn't stopped with me.....
29. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me
    with his erection...
30. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly
    advertised.....
31. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much
    older...
32. ...and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
33. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse...
34. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork...
35. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener.
    Now I am 18 and I need your help...
36. Please send any good and large information to my suffering
    vagina...
37. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of
    them in my Promised One. She urges me to help me to help her.
38. My new address is (address supplied)... but please send your
    reply to my old address
39. Can I get vaginal infection without prescription...
40. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in
    Zimbabwe...
41. My husband does not know where I live so we never have sex...
42. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem...
43. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody
    bathed after me in the same water
44. I have reorganised my virginia recently
45. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know
    when I do not have vaginitis...
46. How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my
    wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe...
47. ...but I know that some people order the thing without knowing
    them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing
    without using them...
48. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected...
49. I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina...
50. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it
    anywhere...
51. My vagina was discharged recently...
52. My vagina is deceased...
53. I am a doll of 19 & I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you
54. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis...
55. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea
    time so you can study it better...
56. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose
    cannot reach it properly...
57. ...but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts...
58. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick
    girl...
59. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching
    virgins...
60. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will
    reach you...
61. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure...
62. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir, and send me
    this infection quickly...
63. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex...
64. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at
    them...
65. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's
    regret...
66. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex...
67. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned...
68. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address...
69. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections,
    the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 16:05:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Condom Shopping <adult>
 
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position
of having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better
than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the
pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex,
ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't
find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.  At
last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he
recommended.
 
He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural
feel."
 
I said, "Not to us city boys!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 15:16:24 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BIKER TEE SHIRT(adult language)
 
Written on the back of a biker's T shirt:
 
      If you can read this
 
     my bitch fell off
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 17:19:57 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: About Seinfeld - part deux
 
<sigh>
    It's that bad  that I have to look at every show, so I will
know which stuff it was unrevealed and which is now  out of use.
But I am leaving town quite often, so I have to buy a VCR. Then
probably I'll have to get married and have a kid, in order to
program that VCR. And which will be the point? If I get married, I
won't need more than a few pick-up lines. It seems that married men
get to date much more easily than us. I think that the ring gives
the average women a thrill. "This guy knows the hell and he's still
smiling. Target locked!" Please, anybody, let's make a "Censor
Seinfeld Foundation"! To use his own words, "the worlds are
colliding". The man's world with woman's. And that happens on TV.
God help us!
    What's also quite interesting is the Seinfeld watchers. The
people watching the show. First, the girls. I do not know one
female which really likes the show. When I ask them about it, they
say "Nice" or "Oh, Seinfeld!" and then change the subject. But they
will NEVER loose one show! They are looking, eager to discover more
man's secret stuff.  They do not like the show, but they are
looking, there eyes peeled and they are recording every word.
    About the male viewers, that's more complicated. The educated
guys love Seinfeld. Not only those whose e-mail finishes in .edu.
Then, smart people tend to be quite fond of the show, as well.
Incompatibility with the show is present especially at people with
low IQ's. They just can't take it. This show is about nothing. How
can you look at a show about nothing? It's not normal! They can't
tell they friends the other day about the last night show. "Wow,
have you seen Seinfeld, it was cool stuff!" "Yeah? What was it
about?". Sigh. "Aaa... Mmm... Mmmph... well... it... forget about
it, dude!" They really want to share their joy seeing the movie.
They can be usually find at the theatre, in the dark, yelling
during the movie: "Hey, he's cool! Kick them, kick them!". Well, it
is not exactly Beavis and Butthead, but you get quite the same
feeling. "Hey, Beavis, this guy sucks! He he he!". Hey, if you are
one of them, go for the Bundy show!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 21 Aug 1998 19:04:20 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Poems (Puns)
 
King Kong
Was very strong.
At least, he wasn't frail.
Some say his story is true, but I think it's just...
a Fay-Wray tale.
 
Rodney Dangerfield
Decided he'd range afield
And make a movie where he's kissed by Della. He 'spec'd
That only by doing this...
would he get Reese-pecked!
 
     -By Gary Crew
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Aug 1998 to 22 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
