HUMOR Digest - 20 Aug 1998 to 21 Aug 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 452 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Not so Blissful
  2. Suggestive at end
  3. Top5 - 8/20/98 - Surprises About the New iMac
  4. Radio Tunes
  5. NOTICE!  <Adult>
  6. Old Lady
  7. Clinton <moderately offensive>
  8. Jokes
  9. Arguments ( Could offend some women )
 10. PUNgue Twister
 11. Chelsea, I got something to tell you...(an original work)
 
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Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 03:27:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Not so Blissful
 
*  She: "Before we were married, you told me you were 'well off'".
    He: "Actually, I was.  I just didn't know it at the time."
                            - - - - -
 
* Since I've retired, I take Mrs JimJr with me everywhere I go.
  I figure that's better than having to kiss her "good-bye".
                            - - - - -
 
* Also being retired, I have more time to help out in the kitchen;
  like putting all the fires out for one thing.
                            - - - - -
 
* Around my house no one ever sez, "Guess who's coming to dinner";
  because nine times out of ten, it's the paramedics.
                            - - - - -
 
* Tip for young husbands: I don't care what the commercials say.
  Trust me, there's lots of things you can't say with flowers.
                            - - - - -
 
*   I remember some years ago, the Lutheran Church reworded the
  Marriage Ceremony & among other things, removed the word "obey"
  from the Bride's vows.  Mrs JimJr, like a lot of women, was
  happy to see that promise deleted.
    Well... I was OK with it, but only after I'd found out for
  sure that they weren't gonna make it retroactive.
                            - - - - -
 
*   One of the mysteries of the Bible is God's testing of Job.
  He took everything away from the poor guy but his wife.  For
  years, scholars have debated why.
    Seems to me it's rather simple actually.  After God finished
  the testing of Job, He returned twice what He had taken away.
  If He had taken Job's wife, that means God would've had to give
  him back two wives.  Not even God would have inflicted such a
  severe penalty on Job after all he'd been through.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 07:51:03 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Suggestive at end
 
This from Arnaud Fauli via Blagues-L, a French/English language
joke list (my translation):
 
A man enters the lobby of a luxurious hotel and a bell boy rushes
up to him. The Bell Boy: Mr. Sinatra, what an honor! Let me take
your bags...
 
The Man: I'm not Frank Sinatra.
 
The bell boy insists and calle the hotel manager.  He has the same
reaction as his employee.  The Manager: Mr. Sinatra, you should
have advised us of your impending arrival. But it doesn't matter,
I'll have our "royal suite" prepared.
 
The Man:  What language must I use so that you'll understand: I am
not Frank Sinatra.
 
The manager: I understand very well.  Your anonymity will be
respected Mr. Sinatra.  The man heads for the bar.
 
The Bartender: And for Mr. Sinatra... a Bloody Mary!
 
The Man (desperate now):  I am not Frank Sinatra.
 
He goes to a table in the restaurant in the hotel.  A crowd
surrounds his table: "Did you see?  It's Frank Sinatra." A little
girl comes up and asks for his autograph. He scratches: I AM NOT
FRANK SINATRA!!!
 
At the end of the evening he goes up to his suite. The bell boy on
his floor, to whom he gives a generous tip, thanks him with a
"Thank you very much, Mr. Sinatra."
 
He closes the door behind himself and sees, stretched out on the
bed, a magnificent creature. She is nude and in a position that is
more than suggestive.
 
The Woman: Ohhh, Frank...
 
The man then advances towards her, singing: "Strangers in the
night"!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 10:15:02 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/20/98 - Surprises About the New iMac
 
 
     The Top 13 Surprises About Apple's New iMac Computer
                        August 20, 1998
 
NOTE FROM CHRIS:  As you may know, Apple Computers recently
debuted its new "Internet computer", the iMac.  In addition to
its futuristic, see-through design, there are other surprises...
 
13> "Happy Mac" icon replaced by "Happy Mac downloading porno"
     icon.
 
12> Errors now produce Bill Gates's cackling laugh and an image of
    his butt.
 
11> Legal fireworks ensue when marketing blitz coincides with
    McDonalds' introduction of their new eyeball burger.
 
10> Free "Gullible Consumer" button with every purchase.
 
 9> It only costs twice as much as a 233 MHz Pentium II, yet it
    will run almost 29% as much software!
 
 8> Includes "Robert Downey, Jr. Mode" for energy-saving auto
    shut-off.
 
 7> Decided not to go with the original "Bill Gates gave us a ton
    of dough and here's what we came up with" marketing campaign.
 
 6> Special "Presidential" version:  the iMacDaddy
 
 5> Still "insanely great", but now with 300% more insane!
 
 4> Makes a Grande Skinny Latte like nobody's business.
 
 3> Trash can icon lined with Apple stock certificate icons.
 
 2> Due to miscommunication with design team, the first prototype
    was called the IMAX and featured a 100-foot high monitor.
 
    and Top5's Number 1 Surprise About Apple's New iMac Computer
 
 1> Design team responsible for "new look" signed the inside of
    the case -- in Braille.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 12:55:02 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Radio Tunes
 
A guy went to the middle of no where and picked up one of those new
Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the
radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant
manager, and told her "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the *&#@
radio to work."
 
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what
he wanted to hear.  Pretty neat stuff.
 
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie
Nelson started singing.  "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and
immediately Elvis started crooning.  "Easy listening," he remarked,
and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.
 
He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver cuts
him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it another
female driver cuts him off.
 
"Stupid bitches!" he screamed.
 
The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me what you want what
you really really want... "
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 19:34:08 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: NOTICE!  <Adult>
 
PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any
and all paper clips away from the copier!  We have had two service
calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a
binder clip from the innards of the copier.
 
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier.
Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a
vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 14:41:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Old Lady
 
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing
him instantly.
 
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked
if she had anything to say to defend herself.
 
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could probably fly as
well!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 16:45:44 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Clinton <moderately offensive>
 
     (from a forward I received)
 
We're still recovering from President Clinton's admission to the
public that, to our eternal national shame, he has a personal life.
Which leaves us wondering: Did it take $50 million for Kenneth
Starr to uncover this scintillating piece of news?
 
And: What the devil is Starr investigating, anyway? Whitewater?
Travel-gate? Foster-gate? Monica-gate? Bill Gates? After $50
million, maybe we should put Mulder & Scully on the case, because
it looks like our tax money's been abducted.
 
Oh, well. President Bill is off to Martha's Vineyard, perhaps in
search of Martha herself, while we tune in to....
 
David Letterman: President Clinton has admitted to an improper
relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Is admitting really the right
word? When a guy is 51 and the girl is 21, isn't bragging a better
word?
 
And: Ken Starr is unbelievable. At one point, Clinton asked if he
could go to the men's room, and Starr charged him with tampering
with the evidence.
 
And: Did you see the footage of President Clinton and Hillary
holding hands as they walked into church yesterday? That was the
best acting I've seen since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie kissed
at the MTV music awards.
 
Next we visit The Bureau of Missing Socks, where tireless minds
seek out answers to all those abducted socks. The site even
includes related news stories, such as:
 
SEATTLE -- A 22-year-old woman was diagnosed with a rare medical
condition, in which she craved consumption of socks. She was eating
about half a sock each evening.
 
Let's get Starr on this one. Sounds like an improper socksual
relationship to us.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 16:31:31 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Jokes
 
Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted
   Kaczinski?
A: A dynamite blowjob
 
Q: Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A: Because he got a ho-monica!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 18:32:25 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Arguments ( Could offend some women )
 
An argument is when two people are trying to get in the last word
first.
 
Before you have an argument with your boss you had better take a
look at both sides, her side and the outside.
 
The only people who really listen to an argument are the
neighbours.
 
The best way to win an argument with a woman is to hit her over the
head with a new coat.
 
Never argue with a women. You might win - and then you'll really be
in trouble.
 
After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a husband
can do is apologise.
 
Nothing is more likely to start an argument with your wife than
winning one.
 
The argument that you've just won with your wife isn't over yet.
 
One thing a man learns from an argument with a woman is how to be a
good loser.
 
There are two times when you should NOT start an argument with a
woman ; when she's tired - or when she's rested.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 17:41:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNgue Twister
 
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-
garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be
delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup
truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat
likes best!
 
For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home- baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
 
     -By Jake Katz
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 22:18:06 EDT
From:    Pete Flynn <P3DaysOut@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chelsea, I got something to tell you...(an original work)
 
Man, would I have loved to hear Bill tell Chelsea the news before
his little address to the nation.  I can just imagine it now...
 
::Chelsea walks into the room where Bill and Hillary are sitting::
 
Bill: Honey, me and your mom have something to tell you... remember
      how i told you that i didn't have a relationship with that
      woman?  well, the truth is, I did..."
 
Chelsea:  Dad, how could you?  How could you lie to me?
 
Bill:  (Under his breath) It wouldn't be the first time...
 
Chelsea: What??
 
Bill:  Nothing...
 
Chelsea:  Dammit dad, tell me!
 
Hillary: Well, remember honey when you won the spelling bee
         because the rest of the contestants contracted malaria?
 
Chelsea:  you didn't!!
 
Bill:  Yep
 
Hillary:  And when Leonardo DiCaprio answered your online personal
          ad?
 
Chelsea:  But he said he had a thing for chicks with braces!
 
Bill (under his breath again)  I don't even want to think about how
                                much that cost...
 
Chelsea:  what??
 
Bill: nothing...
 
Hillary:  remember when Juan turned you down for a date and you
          never saw him again?
 
Chelsea:  (near tears)  Yeeesss...
 
Hillary:  Well your father had him deported...
 
::Chelsea runs from the room crying::
 
Hillary:  Do you think we should tell her she's adopted?
 
Bill:  Nah...
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Aug 1998 to 21 Aug 1998
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