HUMOR Digest - 19 Aug 1998 to 20 Aug 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 710 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Police...
  2. Top5 - 8/19/98 - Rejected Disaster Movie Premises
  3. Bumper Stickers
  4. First draft of the speech Clinton gave 8-17-98
  5. Keeping abreast of Web Developments <ADULT>
  6. Theme Song <adult>
  7. The real meaning... <clean>
  8. Today's Air <GOP, Demos, Tex-Mex, ABC>
  9. About Seinfeld - part 1
 10. HELL"S THREE DOORS
 11. Advice to Women from Men (sexist, but funny)
 12. Today's Stock Market Reports (Puns)
 13. The Difference
 14. An Italian In The US <adult>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 03:35:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Police...
 
* The City of Salisbury on the eastern shore of Maryland got a new
  Police Chief. His first job was to arrest the old Chief of
  Police.
                            - - - - -
 
* A policeman in Baltimore was asked the easiest way of breaking up
  a large crowd.  "Simple." he replied.  "Just start to take up a
  collection for Our Daily Bread." (a local soup kitchen)
                            - - - - -
 
* Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree ?"
   Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we
             could."
  Sergeant: "And did you get a confession ?"
   Officer: "Not exactly.  All he said was 'Yes Dear' and dozed
             off."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A man went to the Police Station to talk to the burglar who had
  broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance
  in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
    "No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
  house without waking my wife.  I've been trying for years."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A Howard County Policeman had just stopped a Yuppie for
  speeding. After losing his plea for a break, the Yuppie began to
  berate the officer louder and louder.
    "I wish you would lower your voice." the officer said, "Towards
  the end of my shift, loud noises tend to make me trigger happy."
                            - - - - -
 
*   The SouthWestern Police Station in Baltimore City had been
  quiet most of the week.  Things were so slow, the detectives were
  playing cards to pass the time.
    "What a week !" grumbled one of the officers. "No fights, not
  one theft, no riots, no murders, no car-jackings -- no nothin'."
    "Rest easy Sam," said the Captain, "things'll break soon.  You
  just gotta have a lil' faith in human nature."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 06:20:34 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/19/98 - Rejected Disaster Movie Premises
 
       The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises
                        August 19, 1998
 
13> "Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal"
 
12> "Armageddon '98" -- A giant chunk of Bill Gates's wallet breaks
    loose and threatens to destroy the earth!
 
11> "Starring Kevin Costner!"
 
10> A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth
    threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year's color.
 
 9> "Coffee Shortage!"
 
 8> Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth's rotation,
    flinging everybody off into space -- except a group of research
    scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.
 
 7> "Acnephobia" -- Where will the next one pop up?!
 
 6> "Starbuck Wars" -- Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save
    the galaxy from over-priced espresso
 
 5> "Flat Grape Fanta!"
 
 4> "Parmageddon" -- Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl
    of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward
    Earth.
 
 3> "The Day the List Stood Still"
 
 2> "Killer Bugs" -- Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour
    work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and
    a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premise
 
 1> Fran Drescher in: "Megaphone!"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 07:01:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bumper Stickers
 
 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
 Tomorrowisn't looking good either.
 
 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
 as they go flying by.
 
 Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
 
 I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
 
 Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
 
 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through
 a suitable application of high explosives.
 
 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
 how to get along without it.
 
 Accept that some days you're the pigeon
 and some days you're the statue.
 
 Needing a man is like needing a parachute.
 If he isn't there the first time you need him,
 chances are you won't be needing him again.
 
 I don't have an attitude problem.
 You have a perception problem.
 
 Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
 and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
 
 My Reality Check bounced.
 
 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
 
 I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.
 
 You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
 through peanut butter.
 
 Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
 for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
 
 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 09:50:45 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: First draft of the speech Clinton gave 8-17-98
 
First draft of the speech Clinton gave 8-17-98.  Good thing he had
a re-write!
 
"Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her. I banged
her like  a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you
think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in
D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and
Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they
have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy."
 
"Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for
the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into
farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President."

"So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new
Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush
money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6,
and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office."
 
"Got it? Good."
 
"Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know
I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which
turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the
White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with
the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
 
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest
rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked
in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of `plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Quentin for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was
an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to
American society was Agent Orange."
 
"And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang
around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic
for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents
of the White House. (and Yes, I know I am no John Kennedy!! One
look at Hillary could tell you that!!)"
 
"Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, Government is doing more for less.
The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun
salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D
student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell `internet' has enough money to
ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where
his or her next meal is coming from."
 
For the record, I never told her to lie in the deposition... I
told her to "Lie in this position!"
 
"Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date
with your daughter... unless, of course, she's hot, rubenesque with
a soft butt, good knees and thin ankles, and then I'd like to
discuss it."
 
"In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of
life you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine."

 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:38:00 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Keeping abreast of Web Developments <ADULT>
 
Think back to Alvin Toffler and FUTURE SHOCK.  Remember all that
stuff about how the future culture would be, simultaneously,
"high tech" and "high touch"?
 
That phase was supposed to be saying something about how people
would refuse to be "cogs in the machine" in this post-industrial
era and would seek to "personalize" the technology.  I've always
enjoyed the pun built into the idea that "digital" technology is
alienating for the human spirit and must be met with a "high touch"
response.
 
Well, I think I've come across a prime example of what old Al
(Toffler, remember?) was talking about.  While surfing the other
day I ran across a new web site.  It's www.boobscan.com  This site
invites ladies to digitize their, um, mammaries and send them in
for display.  The site even features a "how to" page.
 
Boy, and we once thought technology was getting pretty wild when
folks were Xeroxing their butts!!!
 
When I shared this discovery (of the "boobscan" site) with some
other alienated cyberspace penpals one of them told me he had found
a site with scans of pussies!
 
According to "GK" this site is hosts a contest: "for the most
artistic scan of a family pet kitty. The pictures were at once
bizarre and hilarious, with poor little pussies pressed up against
the glass in weird contortions...
 
I swear to God, the contest is called... you guessed it...
CAT SCAN."
 
The actual web address for the site is www.cat-scan.com but
ailurophiles will be relieved to know that the contest is over.
In addition to the images GK describes, the site also contains
lots of hate mail from folks who said the contest was cruel.
Apparently, for some people, cats are not like iambic pentameter
and should not
 
I noticed no such complaints boobscan, but it claims to be a very
new site.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:47:26 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Theme Song <adult>
 
( from "eds-jokelist"  via Clint's Jokes A Day!! )
 
While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of
Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been
working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales
once all of the media coverage has died down.
 
While going through potential commercials, they realized that such
an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term
identity. Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the
meeting:

I am a Rock
  - Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night
  - The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time
  - Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love
  - The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love
  - Sade

We've Only Just Begun
  - Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
  - Cindy Lauper

When I'm 64
  - The Beatles
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:34:00 -0500
From:    Terrance Powell <Terrance.Powell@MCI.COM>
Subject: The real meaning... <clean>
 
Subject:  The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads
 
 The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads
 
                FIRST THE WOMEN
 
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
 
           THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
 
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
                         not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
                         admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
                         on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:52:59 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Today's Air <GOP, Demos, Tex-Mex, ABC>
 
President Clinton has learned his lesson. If he had it to do over
again, he would not interrupt Monday Night Football.
 
To be trendy, do we have to recycle special prosecutors?
 
There's a picture in the paper of President Clinton hugging Vernon
Jordan. Will this start a new scandal?
 
You just can't beat Farrah Fawcett.
 
Texas Congressman Tom Delay has called for the resignation of
President Roosevelt.
 
Would anybody like to buy my used electricity for half price?
 
Bill Clinton is living proof that men will be boys.
 
How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a burrito?
 
Maximum Bob puts my wife to sleep. So it has a chance.
 
 
From Air at http://www.flash.net/~comedy/air/air.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 20:10:04 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: About Seinfeld - part 1
 
   The Seinfeld is over in the US. But, here, in Europe, some TV
networks are still on it. So, there is Seinfeld five days a week in
the country I live in. It is good, it is funny, it is brilliant,
but...
    I still remember the first few shows. They seemed brilliant. I
used to see the shows with some friends and laugh like crazy. "Can
you believe this stuff? It's a genius stroke! It's so true". Then,
after few more shows we cooled down. "He figured out that, as
well". Right now I am bloody scared to look at the show. This man
knows no limits! He's breaking all the taboo's!
    There are some things that I might call "general man
knowledge", and the guy is unrevealing this secrets to everyone!
    He ruined a big number of my pick-up lines and stories. Now the
girls seem to be aware of everything: "Have you seen this stuff on
TV?" No, dammit!  It's man general knowledge, but I have no
interest in explaining that to the females. If I'll tell them, it
will be bad. Now it's bad. It's a darn dilemma!
    The other day, I was visiting a friend and we were watching
Seinfeld. He did it again! I haven't had the time to get home! The
mobile rang and there was this girl who said only: "You
chauvinistic pig!" and hang up.
    I can't handle it anymore. My other, yet unrevealed, witty
comments are rated "too much Seinfeld like". Jerry! Jerry! Are you
on this list? Please, stop this! Keep on with the show, but PLEASE,
put on some women stuff, as well! Don't ruin my life! Live and let
live, they said.
     You have the knowledge, OK, I can see that. But remember what
they used to say in the 50's: Use it, but don't abuse it!
 
<to be continued>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 13:18:39 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: HELL"S THREE DOORS
 
An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil
takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors,
marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to
get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care
of something first, and disappears.
 
The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot
going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door
number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying
to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and
sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
 
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting
position. The devil offers the pilot a choice of door number one or
two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
 
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell.'"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 12:45:05 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Advice to Women from Men (sexist, but funny)
 
- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on,
  that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't
  want one.
- Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
  during commercials.
- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little
  stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting
  for the punch line.
- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave,
  he's just not crying. Big difference.
- When the waiter asks if everything's OK, a simple 'Yes' will do.
- What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
- The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility.
  It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
- Sports Center starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour.  This is an
  excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or
  talk to your sister.
- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact,
  constitute going out to dinner.
- You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
- Silence does not need to be filled.
- It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz
  together.
- No, you can't have the remote control.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 17:59:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Today's Stock Market Reports (Puns)
 
From: owner-mikeys-funnies
 
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
 
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
 
     From: <davidy@bayview.net>
 
               Continuing the Stock Market report:
 
Kite sales hit an all time high.
Fish sales were flounding.
Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
Yachts were all wet.
Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Fencing was having a field day.
Windows were breaking all records.
Javelin sales had missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.
Frog legs took a jump.
Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.
Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Cannons balls are simply expoding.
Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.
Rubber band sales are tight.
Suspenders have had nothing happening.
Mouse sales have been squeeking by.
Printer sales seem to have a good margin.
Games have been spinning wildly.
Books have just about recovered..
Running shorts are now on track.
Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glues are just holding their own.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.
Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchen wears are really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
Warning: the bubble in gum sales is going to collapse suddenly.
Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
Polish Sausages have experienced a dog eat dog reality lately.
Banks are underfunded.
Bed sheets are selling short.
There is but brief news on boxer shorts.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Sand paper is having a rough time.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turn around.
Bridges have been drawing interest lately.
Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is down a hair.
Lightbulb sales are dimming badly.
Springs are bouncing back.
Cracker sales are crumbling.
The news on energy is just shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Wash machines are just going through their cycles.
Exercise equipment sellers are sweating right now.
Home scales are having a heavy resurgence.
The profits on foods are being eaten away.
Medical supplies does not look healthy.
Bricks are holding up nicely.
Ladders are beginning to lean now.
Card board boxes are packing it in.
Electric fan sales are breezing by.
Tractors are ploughing right along.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 21:05:32 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: The Difference
 
Question:  What's the difference between a tenured professor and a
           terrorist?
 
Answer:  The terrorist you can negotiate with.
 
          -Mark Frascinella
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 20 Aug 1998 10:48:57 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: An Italian In The US <adult>
 
An Italian guy gives a visit to Detroit for the first time. He is
not that fluent in speaking English. The following was his
conversation (read it in an Italian accent to enjoy the joke) with
the people around.
 
"One day ina gonna Detroit to a bigga hotel. Inna morning I go down
to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pisses of tast.
She bringga me on piss. I tella two piss. She say go to the toilet.
I say youno understand, I wanna two piss ona plate. She say you
better no piss onna the plate you sonna a bitch.
 
Later I go out to eat at the bigga resturant. The waitress bring
back me a spoon, knife and no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She
tells me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understandd, I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock onna table,
you sonna a bitch.
 
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my
bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to
go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wana shit on my bed.
he say say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna a bitch.
 
I go to the check out and the man at the desk say "Peace on you"
I say "Piss onna you too, you sonna a bitch, I gonna back to
Italy !"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Aug 1998 to 20 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
