HUMOR Digest - 18 Aug 1998 to 19 Aug 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 341 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Kids
  2. Top Signs Of A Rocky Relationship (mature)
  3. HUMOR  Reaction to President Clinton's Speech
  4. Spanish Viagra
  5. The Evolution of Language
  6. Joke- PG-sewer spillage
  7. Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
  8. ROBOTICS
  9. The Thesis (Shaggy Dog Story)
 10. A Dog Pun
 11. Random Thoughts <clean>
 
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Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 03:45:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Kids
 
* In the old days, discipline for the kids was easy.  You just
  bopped them at least once every day.
  If you didn't know why, they did.
                           - - - - -
 
* I've found children to be a great comfort in your declining
  years.  Damn good thing too -- they "declined" ya faster in the
  first place.
                           - - - - -
 
* The young Mother, tired of all the loud noise, tells her son to
  go outside and play with his friends.  "I only have one friend."
  he retorts, "and I HATE him !"
                           - - - - -
 
* The paper here today sez that 1 out of every 35 adults in the US
  is either in jail or on probation/parole.  Let's stop crime at
  the source -- join Planned Parenthood TODAY !
                           - - - - -
 
* The little girl had just finished her very first soccer match &
  her Mother asked her how she liked the sport. "It's OK, I guess."
  she replied.  "But it'd be a lot more fun if the other team
  learned how to share better."
                           - - - - -
 
* To any of you out there who've yet to have children.  If you're 
  still deciding whether or not to bring some into this poor old
  world, I highly recommend you go to lunch at some fast food
  place and sit next to a bunch of them.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Mother was having more than a little bit of trouble with 
  her pre-teen boy.  She summed it up for him by saying, "Lloyd,
  you must live each day as if it were your last."
    "No way !!!" he yelled. "I tried that last week and you
  grounded me."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 07:04:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top Signs Of A Rocky Relationship (mature)
 
 8. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
 
 7. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
 
 6. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings,
    and puts it down  with a hushed, "I can't talk now...
    I'll call you later."
 
 5. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
 
 4. She reads books like "Women are From Venus,
    Men Are Complete Assholes."
 
 3. When you call her, she answers your voice with,
    "Oh. It's only you."
 
 2. She cancels your date because she has to clean out
    the septic tank.
 
 1. She makes inquiries about going on the
    Witness Protection Program.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 10:40:17 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR  Reaction to President Clinton's Speech
 
VOX POPULI DEPT:

So, a copy of the New York Times is lying on the table in the
coffee room, with Bill Clinton's televised face on the front page.
One guy, chuckling, observes, "He says he did it.  Now it's time to
move on.  I knew he'd weasel out of it somehow.  But I thought he
was gonna say he didn't enjoy it..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 11:39:30 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Spanish Viagra
 
These were forwarded to me from a Spanish humor list.
 
          How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working
 
At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at
a meeting, the table floats.
 
The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood)--It's all
you-know-where.
 
You begin to look at the dog with interest.
 
You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out
in New Zealand.
 
They confuse you with the duracell bunny
 
When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
 
You begin to thing that your mother-in-law is pretty.
 
You no longer need the TV remote control.
 
You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis.
 
If you die, they won't be able to close your coffin for three days.

They begin to call you "the tripod."
 
The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni.
 
You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds
perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a      
sundial.
 
When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the
tent poles behind.
 
Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank,
the supermarket, etc.
 
Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar, compared with you.
 
When you go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, you can
carry the glass of milk, the cookies, the napkins, the plate, and
other things that you couldn't before using just 2 hands.
 
You always lose limbo contests
 
Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
 
You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to
look for a stick.
 
You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you
like to sleep on your back.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 11:42:23 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Evolution of Language
 
I overheard a colleague this morning characterize a third party by
saying, "I'm not going to call her a liar; I'll just say that she
Clintonizes reality."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 11:56:13 -0700
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Joke- PG-sewer spillage
 
Did you hear about the sewer spillage?
people were making a stink about it!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 18:36:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
 
Some non-Christian (but not unChristian) bits of important wisdom
for earth dwellers:

 1. Be a Fundamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before
    the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will
    never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the
    reason we are put in the material world is to get more material
    from that track.  Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which
    will ensure regularity. 
 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
    entering, so you are already a winner!
 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.
    That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to
    me.  That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting,
    we can change the channel.
 4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.
    No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God
    loves you...
 5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts,
    thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause
    a condition called "truth decay."  Be sure to use mental floss
    twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum
    yoga', remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness
    Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.
 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and
    truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no
    mad at me.  That way there'll surely be no madness on the
    planet.  Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a
    little peace there.  Pretty soon all the peaces will fit
    together to make one big peace everywhere.
 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future,
    so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple:
    When you find a fault don't dwell on it.
 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is
    toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.
 9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some
    good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to
    the Universe.  The good news: It was never locked.
10. Finally, everything I've told you is 'channeled'. That way, if
    you don't like it it's not my fault. But remember:
    Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go
    through channels.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 18:20:30 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: ROBOTICS
 
Good morning doctors.
I have taken the liberty of removing
Windows 95 from my hard drive
(Hal's first words in 2001)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 19:08:51 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Thesis (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting
outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his lap top. Along comes a
fox, out for a walk.
 
   Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
   Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
               (incredulous pause)
   Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat
         foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
 
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes,
gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and
resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard
working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
 
  Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
               (loud guffaws).
  Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
 
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes
back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
 
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
  Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
 
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile
of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the
other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his
teeth.
 
MORAL:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 23:16:53 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Dog Pun
 
Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England mill town. Many of the
mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included
in a federal park. The authorities were looking for a clever way to
attract more foreign tourists to the area. They hired a bright
young advertising man, who pointed out that many Germans like to
travel with their dogs and have difficulty finding accommodations.
 
"Why not turn the mills into canine hotels?" he suggested.
 
The plan was adopted on a trial basis, but not without criticism.
Several months into the experiment, the skeptics approached the
young man to ask how it was working.
 
"Just listen," he said. "The mills are alive with the hounds of
Munich!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 19 Aug 1998 09:36:01 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Random Thoughts <clean>
 
5 minutes ago you were travelling to Engineering college at 80
kmph, in your brand new yamaha Rx. Now you are travelling to
Medical college at double the speed in an ambulance
   - You just think if there was undo in life.
 
You are already late, and your key is missing.
   - You just think If there was find tool in life
 
One day you realize that your are turning bald
   - You just think If there was cut and paste in life
 
In an examination hall, you and your 'best friend' are located at
two corners
   -You just think If there was RPC in life
 
You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business
   -You just think If there was rebuild all in life
 
The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice
girl at the other end
   -You just think If there was zoom & 'view full screen' in life
 
After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a GPF
   - You just think If there was an evaluation period
     or at least a sample down load or a demo version.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Aug 1998 to 19 Aug 1998
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