HUMOR Digest - 17 Aug 1998 to 18 Aug 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 609 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Fine Art of Dating <some Adult Humor>
  2. Windows 98
  3. Bad Prose - How it started <clean>
  4. Ice Cream problems!
  5. A PLEASANT LETTER FROM GRANDMA....<language>
  6. OUTTA OUR HAIR(adult)
  7. I Can Explain!!! (adult)
  8. Girl talk (clean)
  9. American Baseball & Gates
 10. Top5 - 8/17/98 - Questions for the President
 11. Petty Theft (Pun)
 12. Road Kill Cafe (Distasteful to animals and dietary good sense)
 13. Surd-Times:The Interview <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 03:25:45 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Fine Art of Dating <some Adult Humor>
 
* Take it from me:  You cannot try to bed a girl unexpectedly --
                    only sooner than she thought you would.
                           - - - - -
 
* One coed to another: "There's never a dull moment when you're out
                        with Stan -- it lasts the entire evening." 

                           - - - - -
 
*   College student: "I have a date Friday nite with Judy Maxwell.
                      Are you familiar with her ?"
           Roommate: "I tried to be, and she belted me."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A farmgirl was studying the menu in the restaurant.  She asked
  her date, "What's filet mignon ?"
    "Why, it's year old pickled goat's liver -- why ?" responded
  her date, thinking fast.
                           - - - - -
 
*   They met in Ocean City where she was trying out her new thong
  bikini.  After a day of sun and surf, he said, "I'd like to see
  more of you."
    She smiled, opened her arms & said, "There isn't any more of
  me."
                            - - - - -
 
*  He: "Have you ever loved like this before ?"
  She: "No John. I've often admired men for their looks, strength,
        courage, intelligence, manners, talent, vocation, and so
        on.  But with you John, it's love and nothing else."
                             - - - - -
 
*   Two Yuppettes were discussing their current beaus.  The first
  said, "I wish I could combine the attributes of Tom and Fred."
    "Why ?  What are they ?" asked the second Yuppette.
    "Well... Tom is handsome, bright and rich.  And Fred wants to
  marry me."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 06:44:55 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Windows 98
 
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98, the latest version
of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
 
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the
terms of the limited warranty.
 
Windows 98 represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95. You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than
3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 contains many
features not found in Windows 95, or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps
Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less
knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and
rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most
important, Windows 98 offers superior compatibility with all
existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use
another company's software again.
 
Windows 98 comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser.
And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of
Justice, Windows 98 offers you the freedom to select the Internet
browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the
world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller
company that will either go out of business or become part of the
Microsoft family.
 
Configuring Windows 98 to use a browser other than Microsoft
Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
"time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box
will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked
several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes."
 
Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire
screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know
the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs
out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation
you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss
associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your
keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed --
permanently.
 
Windows 98 also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the
current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will
mistake the year 2000 for 1900.  Windows 98 solves the problem by
storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't
have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year
10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in
four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's
internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored
as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be
replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
 
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form.
It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key
software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that
none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social
Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual
history, will be shared with any outside company not already
designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
 
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems
at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and
follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open
every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
 
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be
forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name,
a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or
her that American consumers want software designed by companies
that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
 
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 14:05:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose - How it started <clean>
 
Several readers asked why the contest is called Bulwer-Lytton.
 
As there is a humorous angle, I thought of posting the response to
the list. This is how the contest organizers describe it:
 
Conceived to honor the memory of Victorian novelist Edward
George Earl Bulwer- Lytton and encourage unpublished authors who do
not have the time to actually write books, the contest challenges
entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.
Bulwer was selected as patron of the competition because he opened
his novel "Paul Clifford" (1830) with the immortal words, "It was a
dark and stormy night."
 
It was a dark and stormy night and the rain fell in torrents --
except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent
gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that
our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely
agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the
darkness."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 08:43:04 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Ice Cream problems!
 
 ICE CREAM AND PROBLEM SOLVING
 
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General
Motors:
 
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you
for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a
fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for
dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies
so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which
kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to
get it.
 
It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since
then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every
time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my
car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car
starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this
question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a
Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and
easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
 
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the
letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was
surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated
man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just
after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the
ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure
enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
 
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the
man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got
strawberry.  The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.
The car failed to start.
 
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this
man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged,
therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve
the problem.  And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted
down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to
drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man
took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The
answer was in the layout of the store.
 
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at
the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were
kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took
considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
 
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start
when it took less time. Once time became the problem - not the
vanilla ice cream - the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapour lock.  It was happening every night, but the extra time
taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down
sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was
still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
 
Moral of the story: Don't discount other people's problems no
matter how crazy they seem!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 10:42:03 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A PLEASANT LETTER FROM GRANDMA....<language>
 
Life is so pleasant here at the Hillhaben Home.  Everyone treats me
so nice. I share my little room with another lady, Martha Tyler.
We have so much in common.  She is 91 and I'm 87.  I can't tell you
how much your letters and gifts mean to me.  Especially the lovely
little radio.  I just listen to it all the time.  Martha has had a
little radio for five years but she keeps it turned down so low I
can hardly hear it.  I used to ask her to turn it up so I could
enjoy it too, but she never would do it.  She doesn't mean to be
that way, God love her.  But, she's so old, and all, bless her
heart.
 
Last Thursday Martha knocked her radio off her little bedside table
and it broke into so many pieces that it can't be repaired.  Poor
soul, I felt so sorry for her.  Tonight I listened to the Southern
Methodist Hour on my own little set.  It was so wonderful hearing
all the old hymns again.
 
Martha, God love her, came over to my bed with tears in her eyes
and asked me if I'd turn it up so she could hear it too.
 
Naturally I told her to fuck off, God bless her.
 
                    Love Grandma
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 09:59:11 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: OUTTA OUR HAIR(adult)
 
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and
relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to
occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games...
but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the
players and calling out the cards they held.
 
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit
the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up,
took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle
soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without
comment the game resumed.
 
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen
and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
 
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What
in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him
all day!"
 
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 11:27:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I Can Explain!!! (adult)
 
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find
her husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was about
to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words.
 
Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about.
Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and
bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was hungry, so I brought
her home and made a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the
refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair
of good shoes you discarded because they were out of style. She was
cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday -
the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her
slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were
perfectly good, but too small for you now.
 
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked;
"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"
 
 So here we are!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 23:36:20 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Girl talk (clean)
 
The other day I was just listening to some girls. One of them was
really gorgeous, the other one, obviously, was not that gifted.
 
They were talking about beauty. The other one said to the
beauty: You know, beauty is only skin deep."
 
And the other continued: "So that's the reason you are so skinny"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 16:09:43 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: American Baseball & Gates
 
Tampa Bay Devil Rays, one of America's finest Baseball teams, were
eliminated from the American League East race when the Yankees beat
the Rangers. They were the first team to be eliminated with a
record of 48-73. Tampa Bay are currently 42 1/2 games back from
first place Yankees. However, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are still
have a shot at the wild card.
                    -----------
 
A 1977 police mugshot of Microsoft chief Bill Gates adorns the
cover of the new issue of Brill's Content magazine. Albuquerque,
N. M., police department, said the arrest was due to Mr. Gates
exaggeration on how fast his car was able to go. His car was found
on the side of the road in flames 2 blocks from the hotel he was
staying at.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 20:02:21 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/17/98 - Questions for the President
 
      The Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has for the President
                        August 17, 1998
 
12> "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?"
 
11> "Aha!  So you admit you've had sex!!!!   What's it like?
     Is it fun?"
 
10> "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the
     booty call?"
 
 9> "Can I have some of those fries?"
 
 8> "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your
     semen was pretty cool?"
 
 7> "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
 
 6> "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
     end of a probe for a change?"
 
 5> "Would you, could you in a boat?
     Have you, did you with a goat?"
 
 4> "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot.  Now, does
     THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
 
 3> "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
     know butt-ugly?"
 
 2> "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"
 
     and Top5's Number 1 Question Ken Starr
     has for the President...
 
 1> "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 19:04:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Petty Theft (Pun)
 
An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit
card to pay for a friend's breast enlargement surgery. "Police say
it's lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it may have
turned into a bigger bust."
 
     -By Mark Wheeler
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 22:54:46 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: Road Kill Cafe
         (Distasteful to animals and dietary good sense)
 
               YOU KILL IT, WE GRILL IT!
** Center Line Bovine ............. $  5.99
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood
(with cheese, add .50)
 
** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road ............. $  3.49
What A Dumb Cluck
(includes soup and salad)
 
** Flat Cat (served as a single or in a stack)
Single Flat Cat............. $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat............. $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack.............. $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens)............. $ 9.00
 
     A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE - STILL IN THE HIDE
 
** Chunk Of Skunk ............. $  7.49
Smells REAL good!
(Basted in Tomato Sauce)
 
** Smidgen Of Pigeon ............. $  3.49
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more
(includes salad & French bread)
 
** Road Toad Ala Mode ............. $  2.99
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more
(ice cream flavors chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry)
 
** Shake N' Bake Snake ............. $  3.99
Long & crunchy, with 12 secret spices
(extra long snake, add $1.29)
 
** Swirl Of Squirrel ............. $  2.49
You'll go nuts for our squirrel
(includes salad & peanut brittle desert)  

** Whippoorwill On A Grill  ............. $  2.79
This one will tickle your fancy
(includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad)

** Rigor Mortis Tortoise ............. $  7.99
Slowly aged to perfection
(includes turtle soup & dumplings)
  
     EATING FOOD IS MORE FUN WHEN YOU KNOW IT WAS HIT ON THE RUN!
 
** Canine Cuisine (You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog)
Slab of Lab............. $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie............. $  .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show)............. $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville)............. $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle............. $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut)............. $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad)............. $ 3.29
 
** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper ............. $  9.49
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot
(side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra)
 
 
     LATE NIGHT DELIGHTS!!  SERVED FRESH EACH NIGHT AFTER DARK
 
** Rack Of Raccoon ............. $  5.99
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat
(includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug) 
 
** Awesome Possum ............. $  7.99
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat!
(includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert!) 
 
** Smear Of Deer ............. $  8.99
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it!
(includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy) 
 
** Texas Speed Bump ............. $  5.69
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear!
(includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad) 
 
 
          ROADKILL CAFE MENU CHALLENGERS
 
** Guess That Mess! ............. $  9.99
A daily special treat - if you can guess it --
you eat it for free!
 
** Bag N' Gag ............. $ 2.49
Our daily take-out lunch special, anything dead, in bread
 
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 18 Aug 1998 09:40:30 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times:The Interview <clean>
 
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there
on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the
interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru
his certificates and then starts asking him questions.
 
Following is the transcript:
 
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials
    I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can
    answer those then you are selected. First we will start with
    some opposites.
 
S : Yes Sir.
 
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly
S : Pichhly
0 : Ugly...U-G-L-Y (Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y (Our sardar also spells it)
O : U... G... L....  Y... (Officer shouts)
S : P... I... C... H... H... L... Y... (Our sardar also shouts)
O : [Officer is now angry] Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected.
 
... and THAT is how Santa Singh got his job.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Aug 1998 to 18 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
