HUMOR Digest - 16 Aug 1998 to 17 Aug 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 295 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Higher Standard<offensice to lazy Indians>
  2. Aging, Not so Gracefully <some adult humor>
  3. Speeding
  4. THE CAMEL
  5. In Court
  6. Little Johnny and Math
  7. male dishwashing
  8. Couple-O-Jokes <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 01:09:28 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Higher Standard<offensice to lazy Indians>
 
An Indian civil servant was asked to write up on "Pollution
Standards in India". Realising the importance of writing good
reports for promotions, he penned the following:
"Pollution has not only increased but it is of a good quality."
 
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Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 05:19:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Aging, Not so Gracefully <some adult humor>
 
* Not sure how many of you heard about the terrible fire in a posh
  Miami hotel last week.  A passer-by is being hailed as a hero. In
  two trips, he was able to save 7 mink coats, 4 walkers & 16 canes
                            - - - - -
 
* I'll give Mrs JimJr credit though for trying to keep-up with the
  times.  I saw her reading "The Joy of Sex" the other day, and
  then that afternoon, she began knitting a whip.
                            - - - - -
 
*   Fellow I know isn't sure what he's going to do.  He needs a
  transplant but the doctor told him he was unable to perform the
  operation.  "What's the matter ?" I asked. "Too risky ?"
    "Nope !" he replied.  "Seems they no longer make the parts."
                             - - - - -
 
*   I had a chance the other week to talk to one of the guys I used
  to work with.  He asked how my retirement was going.  I told him,
  "Great !  I get up early and play on the InterNet, then at dawn,
  I go for a two mile jog."
    "What do you do in the afternoon ?" he asked.
    "Well... the second mile, then I take a nap." I replied.
                             - - - - -
 
* A lot of farmers in Howard County live to a ripe old age.  There
  was an article in the local paper recently that a girl of twenty
  was suing a farmer of 92 for breach of promise.  After I read the
  item I couldn't help thinking to myself, "What the hell could a
  man 92 years old promise a 20 year old girl."
                             - - - - -
 
*   When the reporter got the story of this 92 year old man and his
  legal problems with this 20 year old, he said, "I'd love to come
  back and interview you again when you're 100."
    "Don't see why not." the old farmer replied.  "You look plenty
  healthy enuff to me."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 08:27:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Speeding
 
   While traveling home from a business trip a man traveling at 60
miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time
to see a state trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights. As
the police car pulled out behind the man's car the man thought to
himself, "I can outrun this guy," and increased his speed to 70
miles an hour. With the police car still in pursuit he accelerated
to 80, then 90, then 100 miles an hour. Before long he decided it
was of no hope and pulled over to the side of the road.
   The officer walked up to the side of the man's vehicle and
shouted, "I have had a very bad day and am in no mood to stand out
here in this heat giving you a ticket. Just give me a good reason
why you were driving so fast and I'll let you go."
   The man thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife
left me about three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your
lights come on, I thought you were him and you were trying to bring
her back."
   The officer let him go.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 08:15:15 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE CAMEL
 
Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv.
(So nu, you were thinking maybe he'd move to a kibbutz?) Wanting to
contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading,
the only vocation he knows.
 
But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to
drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself...  a camel.
Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv
Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to
his new office in Ramat Gan.
 
One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is
gone... stolen!  He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The
first question is "What color was your camel?"
 
Marvin replies he doesn't remember,  "Probably camel colored I
guess... sort of brownish-greyish."
 
"And how many humps on your camel?' asks the policeman.
 
"Who counts humps... one, maybe two, I don't know for sure."
 
"And the height of the camel, sir?"
 
"What's with these dumb questions? Marvin asks. "The camel was
about three feet taller than I am. So maybe 9 feet, 10 feet. I
can't be certain."
 
"Just one last question to complete my report, sir. Was the camel
male or female?"
 
"Ah, that I know for sure he was a male."
 
"How can you be so certain of his sex when you don't remember
anything else about your camel" asks the policeman.
 
"Well," says Marvin, "everyone knows he's a male. Every day I'd
ride the camel to work through the streets of Tel Aviv and people
would stop and say to each other... 'Look at the schmuck on that
camel!' "
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 10:32:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: In Court
 
Actual Court Questioning By Attorneys
 
Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that, when a person dies in his
   sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
   you?
A. I went to Europe, sir.
Q. Did you take your new wife?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. Do you recall, doctor, the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q. And was Mr. Dennington dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
   autopsy.
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. You say you were shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. I've been qualified to do that since early childhood.
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
   did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So then, is it possible that the patient was alive
   when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be sure, doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?
A. It is possible, I suppose, that he could have been alive and
   practicing law somewhere.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 09:12:40 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny and Math
 
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father.
 
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
 
"But that's right!"
 
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
 
"What's the f%$*&ing difference?"
 
"That's what I said!"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 23:06:31 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: male dishwashing
 
Have you ever noticed how people can be grouped by their
dishwashing attitude?
 
First, there is the ideal housewife conception: as soon as you
finished eating, clean the dishes. That's bloody difficult; after
a good meal dishwashing is quite the last thing in the world I'd
rather be doing.
 
Then, the bachelor attitude: pile the darn dishes in the sink and
then go watch TV. After the sink is full, simply pile the dishes
around the sink. We do I clean the dishes? Simple, when I have no
plates to eat from. Dirty glasses? What for? Drink from the bottle!
 
The next would be the "before the meal" approach. While the steak
is getting done, you do the dishes left from the previous meal.
This has the disadvantage that you have to scrub really hard the
hardened remains.
 
Another rather interesting category is the "downtown" guys.
"Cooking AND dishwashing? I'd rather eat downtown". This attitude
will eventually flat your wallet.
 
Some desperate guys would do everything to avoid dishwashing. So,
they get married. That seems good, but, on the long term, is far
more expensive than eating out.
 
What about the smart guys? They ask friends to pay them a visit.
Than comes the witty question: "Fancy a drink?" Should the visitor
say yes, the host adds: "than you'll have to wash yer glass,
matey!"
 
What about me? Well, I've chosen to eat at my parents,
then leave ASAP!
 
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Date:    Mon, 17 Aug 1998 09:42:18 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Couple-O-Jokes <clean>
 
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
      troubles and lighten your burden.
 Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any
      worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
 
 
Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
     he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Aug 1998 to 17 Aug 1998
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