HUMOR Digest - 15 Aug 1998 to 16 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 442 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. College Daze
  2. Running the world <clean>
  3. Stranded in an island <Adult>
  4. Guide to safe Fax <Sexual innuendo>
  5. Jury Duty
  6. The Golfing Accident
  7. COW MECHANIC
  8. Hiccups
  9. Things That Irritate A Sane Person
 10. Sex Survey <adult>
 
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Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 04:04:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: College Daze
 
* "Eight long years of college." moaned the budding Yuppette.
  "And just who has it gotten me ?"
                            - - - - -
 
* One of the professors at Vassar requested medical leave.  In the
  space listing reason for request, she put, "Perrier on the knee".
                            - - - - -
 
* Father: "Son, I'm very worried about you being at the bottom of
           your class."
     Son: "Don't fret Dad. They teach the same stuff to both ends."
                            - - - - -
 
* In a way, colleges & insane asylums are both mental institutions.
  The major difference being you have to show some improvement to
  "graduate" from an asylum.
                            - - - - -
 
*   A student comes back to the dorm & finds his roommate near
  tears."What's the matter pal ?" he asked.
    "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy
  a laptop, and they sent me the laptop." he moaned.
                            - - - - -
 
*   The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday.
  I've gotten three tickets for the big game."
    "Why do we need three ?" asked the girl.
    "They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied.
                            - - - - -
 
*   The college President hired a new Admissions Administrator.  At
  the conclusion of the interview he said, "Please don't tell
  anyone what we're paying you."
    "Don't worry Sir." the new bureaucrat replied.  "I'm as ashamed
  of my salary as you are."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 12:03:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Running the world <clean>
 
The Internet Oracle (oracle@cs.indiana.edu)  was asked, "Who will
run the world in the next 100 years?" And in response, thus spake
the Oracle:
 
Well, supplicant, seeing as how the USA can't seem to get it's
political mind out of the gutter and this is a trend that shows no
sign of changing, it's pretty much a given that it won't be the US
who'll be running the world in 100 years time.
 
You might think that perhaps one of the European countries might
step up to fill it's shoes, but the French already think that they
run the world; the British have decided in their genteel way that
running the world is beneath them, and besides they've done it
before and it wasn't much fun.  The Germans would have a go at it,
but no one is prepared to let them after what happened last time
they tried. The Italians couldn't organise themselves well enough,
and the Russians are too poor.
 
The Japanese might look like a promising candidate, but since the
Yen has started heading in the direction of the Marianas trench, I
think we can probably discount them.  The Canadians would probably
be able to do it, but they're much too polite to try.  Australia
might be able to, but they are going to start having serious
problems in the "Dolly Uprisings" where genetically engineered
sheep go feral, with disastrous consequences.
 
And so on supplicant.  I'm sure that you can eliminate all the
other candidates yourself.  Which leaves just China and Denmark.
 
China has over 1 billion people.  Denmark has lutefisk.  Who would
you back?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 16 Aug 1998 01:30:25 +1000
From:    Vincent Chen <vincent@1EARTH.NET>
Subject: Stranded in an island <Adult>
 
A man was stranded in a deserted island after his boat sunk.
Months later, a beautiful, voluptuous woman in a wet suit swam
upshore.  He rushed to greet her.
 
"It's good to see you!  I've been stranded here for months!  I need
help!"  exclaimed the man.  "I am actually diving nearby when I
notice this little island.  No problem.  But poor you... you must
be hungry. Would you like some food?"  She unzipped a third of her
wet suit revealing her breasts and pulled out a roasted chicken for
the man.
 
After the man finished the chicken, the woman said: "You must be
thirsty.  Care for some wine?"  She unzipped another 1/3 of her wet
suit, revealing more of her georgeous body and pulled out a bottle
of champagne.  The man, couldn't believe his eyes, but greedily
finished the whole bottle.
 
"Now that you had food and drink, would you like some fun?"  asked
the women meaningfully.  The man, in disbelief, asked: "You can't
possibly stuff a pool table in there, can you?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 10:26:00 -0500
From:    Terrance Powell <Terrance.Powell@MCI.COM>
Subject: Guide to safe Fax <Sexual innuendo>
 
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
   people who fax complete strangers every day.
 
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were
   only allowed to write memos to each other until they were
   twenty one. How old do you think someone should be before they
   can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the
   correct procedure.
 
Q. If i fax to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
 
Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax
   someone. Is this legal?
A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
   must pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too
   great.
 
Q. I fax quite often... Should I use a cover?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover
   should always be used.
 
Q. What happens when i incorrectly fax and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed
   for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind
   if you try again.
 
Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become
   mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
   each time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not
   supposed to.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 11:53:07 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Jury Duty
 
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
       case?
 
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
 
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
 
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 08:54:31 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The Golfing Accident
 
Sadie and Esther of women were playing golf one sunny Sunday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
 
Sadie rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
 
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
 
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
 
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 12:49:11 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: COW MECHANIC
 
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
to a complete stop near a field filled with cows.  The driver,
getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him.
 
"I believe it's your radiator," said the  cow.
 
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He
ran to the nearest farmhouse & knocked on the door. "A cow just
gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms
frantically back toward the field.
 
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance
down the field.  "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the
farmer asked slowly.
 
"Yes!  Yes!  That's the one!" the excited man replied.
 
"Oh.  Well, that's Ethyl," the farmer said, turning back to the
man. "Don't pay any attention to her.  She doesn't know a thing
about cars."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 15:37:07 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Hiccups
 
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the
switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have
any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you
please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 10:06:18 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Things That Irritate A Sane Person
 
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them.
 
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the
back of your ankle.
 
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
 
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to
find an address.
 
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
 
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.
 
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
 
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
 
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
 
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror
and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
 
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a
cigarette.
 
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
 
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a
reading.
 
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio
but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
 
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the
tray.
 
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.
 
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.
 
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your
filling.
 
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
 
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
 
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get
out.
 
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.
 
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
 
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.
 
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store
that you're just browsing.
 
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't
find it.
 
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash
your head on the way up.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 19:14:40 -0400
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Sex Survey <adult>
 
White House survey on Sex --
 
Dear Citizen:
The White House has decided to conduct a poll to determine the
current thinking of the American people regarding sex. We have
several highly paid interns who will have nothing to do Monday,
Aug. 17, so we will utilize their services to tabulate the results
of this poll. Please answer truthfully and completely, and give
only one answer per question. Results will be available on the
network news casts Monday night.

1. When is sex not sex?
[] a) Any act one might considr sex, but which does not include,
      and is not limited to, the following:
      An act between 2 people, married to each other, and taking
      place in a bed, after 11:00 pm, but not after 6:00 am, in
      near or total darkness, with full coital penetration, under
      complete prophylactic protection, and resulting in mutual
      simultaneous orgasms. The act must be agreed to in writing
      by both parties, at least 30 days in advance, with the
      agreement duly signed and witnessed.
[] b) One or both of the participating parties fails to remove
      socks stockings. This may also include high heels or garter
      belts.
[] c) "it's not sex if I say it's not sex!"
[] d) any of the above
 
2. If a friend or colleague asks you if you 'got any last night'
   you ...
[] a) Deny it, even if true, because you don't want anyone knowing
      how often you 'get it'.
[] b) Acknowledge it, even if false, because you want others to
      think you 'get it' more often than you do.
[] c) Ask him/her to define 'got any'.
 
3. If your teenage daughter has a relationship with an instructor
   while away at college, and in response to your query if it was
   sexual, gives one of the answers in (1) above, do you...
[] a) Believe her?
[] b) Disbelieve her?
[] c) Ask her to define sex?
 
4. If the answer you daughter gives in response to your query is
   the same as your answer in (1) above, does that change your
   answer in (3) above?
[] Yes
[] No
 
5. Do you believe that 2 people of the opposite gender can have   
a close physical and meaningful relationship with out sex?
[] Yes
[] No
[] Define close
[] Define Sex
 
6. Is sex with a professional or social 'superior' acceptable?
[] a) always
[] b) Sometimes
[] c) Never
[] d) Only when done for advancement or bragging rights with the
      crowd back at the bar.
[] e) Define sex
[] f) Define superior
 
7. If caught in an extramarital affair, do you ...
[] a) Admit everything and beg forgiveness, expressing regret for
      your misdeeds?
[] b) Deny everything, and assume that everyone will believe your
      denials, expressing regret that you have been caught?
[] c) Change the subject, thinking that no one will be the wiser,
      regretting that everyone wasn't born in Arkansas?
[] d) define extramarital

Thank you for your time. The White House staff appreciates your
candor and will present the best answers we recieve in the very
near future.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Aug 1998 to 16 Aug 1998
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