HUMOR Digest - 14 Aug 1998 to 15 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 528 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. A Child's View
  2. Women's Logic
  3. Before and After
  4. Getting Religion
  5. Churchill
  6. Olde Sayings.....
  7. National Relaxation Day
  8. Anarchy in Action
  9. Clinton Jokes - some fresh ones (off to Clinton :o)
 10. William....TELL!
 
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Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 02:34:56 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: A Child's View
 
When I stopped the bus to pick up Andrea for preschool, I noticed
an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
 
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
 
"Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
 
"How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"
 
"At the airport," Chris replied.  "Whenever we want her we just go
out there and get her."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 03:47:06 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women's Logic
 
* Going over her income tax return, the woman mused, "About the
  only reason I've ever seen as to why it's better to give than
  to receive is that at least giving's deductible."
                            - - - - -
 
* Haggard Mother of four talking on phone, as husband embraces
  her from behind: "One of these days Marge, somebody's gonna
  come up with a book: 'How to Get Out of Doing It' -- they'll
  make a fortune."
                            - - - - -
 
* Going thru yet another break-up w/her latest beau, the Yuppette
  said, "I'm come to realize that if you pick-up a stray dog and
  welcome him into your home, he will not bite you.  This seems
  to be the principal difference between a man and a dog."
                            - - - - -
 
* Yuppette: "Could you get me some prepared monoaceticacidester
             of salicylicacid ?"
  Druggist: "Do you mean aspirin ?"
  Yuppette: "Yes, of course. That's what I asked for, didn't I ?"
                            - - - - -
 
*   A elderly woman driver made a right-hand turn from the left
  lane and collided with another car.  The other driver angrily
  asked, "Lady ?  Why in the hell didn't ya signal at least ?"
    She huffily replied, "Sir, if you paid any attention at all,
  you'd know I ALWAYS turn here."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Two Yuppettes were discussing their respective husbands over
  lunch. "You want to discuss frustration ?  I get so frustrated
  going thru Henry's pockets and wallet every nite."
    "I don't understand." said her friend. "Exactly why is that
  frustrating to you ?"
    "Because I never find anything." she pouted.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 06:35:48 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Before and After
 
     Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall in love
 
Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
 
Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month
 
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
 
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
 
Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start
 
Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
 
Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like I'm living in a dorm
 
Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem
 
Before - Turbocharged
After - Jumpstart
 
Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
 
Before - Victoria's Secret
After - Fruit-of-the-Loom
 
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
 
Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain
 
Before - Idol
After - Idle
 
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
 
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
 
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere
 
Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant
 
Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing
 
Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks
 
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
 
Before - Passion
After - Ration
 
Before - Once upon a time
After - The end
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 11:06:14 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Getting Religion
 
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to
the hills to do some bear hunting.  As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him
and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.  Before he knew it,
his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and
breaking both legs.
 
That was the good news.
 
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move.  "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt.  Please forgive me and grant me just one wish... please make
a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
 
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet. "Oh, thank God", he thought, but just about then
the bear spoke,
 
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 12:42:37 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Churchill
 
Winston Churchill was making a speech whilst under the influence of
alcohol. During the speech a woman interrupted and said "your
drunk!".
 
Churchill retorted "yes madam, you are ugly but I will be sober in
the morning"
                    -----------------------
 
A female admirer of Winston Churchill once said to him "what
wonderful children we could have together. With my looks and your
brains they could do anything."
 
He replied "but if they had my looks and your brains, what then?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 13:55:57 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Olde Sayings.....
 
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
 
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the
piano doing gorilla impersonations.
 
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just
as much blood when you grab a thorn.
 
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to
ignore someone completely.
 
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
 
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be
blamed on somebody else.
 
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts
and...
 
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
 
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or
later,  you'll inhale a bee.
 
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me
alone.
 
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
 
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.
 
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
 
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and
run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
 
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups:  the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine
group, and the  "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-
the-fridge-is"  group.
 
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows
are down.
 
How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a
controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for
special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.
 
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration,
I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
 
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones
already there resent it.
 
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay
over.
 
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in
their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of
foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
 
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend
who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
 
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who
immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell
for a week or two first.
 
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their
noses in it... that's everything!
 
I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for
that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"
 
Somewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find
my luggage.
 
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
 
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...
it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
 
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
 
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get
off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
 
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep
breath; Step 2: count to 10; Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on
fire.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 13:44:37 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: National Relaxation Day
 
Today is National Relaxation Day. Here's how to relax:
 
Get a massage. Give it back.
 
Kick back and watch any TV talk show. You'll be asleep in no time.
 
Take a Gatorade bubble bath.
 
Go to the park and swing. Do not go down the slide in shorts.
 
Go fishing. Dangle your feet in the water. Don't bait the hook.
 
Buy some bubble gum and look for your old Donnie & Marie records.
Don't find them.
 
Call an old friend and laugh again about the same things you always
laugh about.
 
 
From Calendar Comedy at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 11:20:35 -0400
From:    Alyssa J Chase <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Anarchy in Action
 
Las Vegas, Nevada--The police say a man robbed a bank here and then
casually doled out $100 bills to stunned bystanders, cheerfully
urging them to ``have a nice day.''
 
Officers arrested Ronald M. Chroniak, 46, on Friday shortly after
the robbery of a Bank of America branch, the authorities said. When
they found him, he was handing out money, they say.
 
It all started when a man walked into the bank around noon and
handed a teller a note demanding money. After receiving an
undisclosed amount, he strolled out and, the police say, began
sharing the booty.
 
Alexander McNair said he was eating lunch in the bank courtyard
when a man walked up and handed him a $100 bill.
 
``Where'd you get the money, man?'' Mr. McNair asked as he stared
at the slightly crumpled bill. Mr. McNair said the man told him:
``I just robbed the bank. Have a nice day.''
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 15 Aug 1998 00:56:40 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Clinton Jokes - some fresh ones (off to Clinton :o)
 
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please
return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
 
Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national
bird? - the spread eagle
 
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
 
Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
 
Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the
President. 86% said "Not again."
 
Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense...
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to
lie in THIS position....
 
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
 
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 14 Aug 1998 16:38:15 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: William....TELL!
 
[Thanks to Varda Ullman Novick and Steve Charitan]
 
Opera Pasticcio in Tre Atti
Musica di Wagner, Rossini, Bellini, Verdi, Mozart, Donizetti, &
Puccini Prologue sung in German, Opera in Italian
 
PROLOGUE:  THE BOTTOM OF THE POTOMAC RIVER
A green faced Linda Tripp (contralto) rises Erda-like from the
bowels of a darkened stage to announce to the audience that she has
tapes and will soon be using them to bring down the current
government:  "Alles was ist, endet..."
 
ACT I, SCENE I:  THE OVAL OFFICE
Il presidente Guglielmo (baritone) is seen in private conference
with press secretary Michele McCurry (tenor).  In the aria "Il
Publico e mobile, " Michele cautions Guglielmo that even though his
poll numbers are high, the public can be fickle. Guglielmo disdains
his secretary's advice in the cavatina "E scherzo od e follia"
reminding Michele that if luck is with you, you can fool most of
the people most of the time.  In a mystical coda however, the "not
so Celestial Voice" of deceased former President Riccardo Nixon is
heard offstage warning Guglielmo "Ti guarda dal Grande Inquisitor."
 
ACT 1, SCENE 2:  A SECLUDED WASHINGTON BISTRO
Monica (soprano) meets Linda (contralto) and in the great duet,
"Mira, O Linda," confesses to having been La Favorita del
Presidente.  A seemingly sympathetic Linda leans closer, takes
Monica's hand, and in the cabaletta the two women pledge eternal
friendship and to stick by the "talking points" no matter what.
Upon Monica's departure, Linda consults with her literary agent,
and general factotum Lucia Ann Citta d'Oro (Mezzo Soprano).  In the
charming patter duet, "All' idea di quel metallo..." the two ladies
discuss the financial ramifications of their proposed course of
action.
 
ACT 2, SCENE I:  THE LINCOLN BEDROOM
Waking to find herself alone in bed again, La Prima Donna degli
Stati Uniti, Illary (Dramatic Soprano d'agilita), laments her
"Cruda Sorte."  In a tirring cabaletta, she then calls on all the
powers of hell to help her in curbing her husband Guglielmo's
infidelities.
 
ACT 2, SCENE 2:  VARIOUS BOUDOIRS, BACK ALLEYS, BLASTED HEATHS...
To the whispered strains of the chorus, "Zitti, zitti, piano,
piano" a group of the Grande Inquisitor's minions gather
information about the activities of Il Presidente.  Soon, they are
followed by members of the international press corps singing "La
Calunnia," when they, in turn, are joined by a collection of
ordinary citizens.  These diverse forces combine to end the act
with the Grand Fugue, "Tutto nel mondo e burla."
 
(At La Fenice)
ACT 3, SCENE 1:  THE GRAND JURY ROOM
After the somber opening chorus "Possente Starr,"  Monica takes the
stand. In her aria, "Una voce poco fa" she explains how she was
first sweet talked into the Oval office by Il Presidente.  She goes
on to testify that she managed to save one of her old cocktail
dresses in an effort to stay several spins ahead of the spin
"...e cento trappole, faro giocar..."
 
ACT 3, SCENE 2:  THE WHITE HOUSE, AUGUST 15, 1998
Il Presidente begins his televised Grand Jury testimony with a full
confession aria "Your Honor, Il Catalogo e questo," finishing up
with the lines "...in Alabama seicento e quaranta...Ma in Arkansas,
son gia mille e tre..."
He leaves the stage while the Grand Jury deliberates in "Giorno d'
Orrore," when suddenly Illary bursts in holding a bloody kitchen
knife in one hand and I Gioielli del Presidente in the other.  In
her startling "Scena di Pazzia" she describes her encounter with
her husband in the Red Room shortly after hearing his sworn
testimony:  "Guglielmo, finalmente mio! " ending with her parlando
cry "e castrato, or gli perdono!"
 
ACT 3, SCENE 3:  SEVERAL WEEKS LATER - THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM   
In the brilliant Aria di Bravura "Sempre Libera," the now
transformed Guglielmo (countertenor) tells the world press that
since he has been finally set free from his baser instincts, he
plans to resign the presidency, and devote himself to the study of
authentic performance practices in Baroque opera.  He is now
singularly equipped (or unequipped) to do this.
 
EPILOGUE:  THE STAGE OF THE NEWLY RESTORED TEATRO LA FENICE, VENICE 
As the curtain rises, former Presidente Guglielmo is seen dressed
in full Baroque splendor accepting the vociferous applause of a
fashionable Fenice audience.  He has just concluded what has
obviously been a very successful appearance in a gala revival of
Handel's "Giulio Cesare," singing the primo castrato part.
Guglielmo motions to Illary, sitting in the audience, to join him
center stage.  The couple embrace, after which the former leader of
the Free world, now Primo Soprano gets down on one knee and sings
the simple phrase "Illary, perdono, perdono, perdono"  to which she
responds "Piu docile io sono e dico di si..."  The opera ends
triumphantly with full chorus and principals singing "Eviva il
Cotello..."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Aug 1998 to 15 Aug 1998
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