HUMOR Digest - 12 Aug 1998 to 13 Aug 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 699 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Last Thing I Remember was...
  2. Bad Prose 3 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>
  3. Say What!!!???
  4. ONE and Twenty
  5. {HUMOR} A Plethora of Aphorisms
  6. EarthQuake in California
  7. Children <child advocates>
  8. Letter From Grandma
  9. Why Cartoons Aren't Funny Any More
 10. Sony's Rated X-ray vision (Clean, News article)
 11. Duel (pun, tongue twister)
 12. Take My Guy...Please! <adult, off. to fem?>
 13. HUMOR: We are what we eat!
 14. Lambchop (off to lambchop fans)
 15. White lie <adult context>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 04:09:35 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Last Thing I Remember was...
 
*   Mrs JimJr still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.
  She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.  I guess I
  stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
    The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really ?  And what
  time does it go off ?"
                            - - - - -
 
*   I do a lot of teasin' about Mrs JimJr's cookin', but actually
  she's a very good chef.  Once when my son, JimJr Jr, and his
  wife were over for chinese, he asked why we never went all the
  way and used chopsticks.
    The last thing I remember saying was, "Well Jim, the one time
  we tried that, your Mother sat there and knitted a meal."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Once when I was shopping with Mrs JimJr & our daughter Sandy.
  Sandy said, "Oh look Ma, they have all the bras on sale."
    I said, "Sandy, your Mother can't buy any bras tonite." And
  naturally, Sandy asked why not.
    The last thing I remember saying was, "She doesn't have her
  prescription with her."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Our neighbor, Babette, was questioning Mrs JimJr on the effects
  a woman's "Change of Life" had on her.  After a while, she turned
  to me and said, "How about from a husband's point of view ?"
    The last thing I remember saying was, "Well... to be honest I'm
  having a terrible problem with both her behavior and attitude. My
  exaggerations just can't keep up with the facts."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old
  fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never
  listen to me.  Every time I try to talk to you, you get this
  far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.  Please
  promise me you'll try to work on that."
    The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was
  that you were saying ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 12:16:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose 3 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>
 
               Winner: Adventure
 
Sir Lyonnel Ondermappe (so famous for his discoveries of lost
civilizations that when people cited him they had only to say,
"Look, it's Ondermappe!") paddled silently up the frog-clogged
tributary of the Amazon when he spied first one, then a dozen old
umbrellas stuck like warnings on the bank next to picnic baskets
ritually painted with isobars and, as a frightened frog nearly
croaked tripping a button on one umbrella opening it into a blossom
of water repellent fabric, he knew that he had found, not the
'People of the Mist', nor the 'People of the Rainforest', but the
mythical 'People of the Partly Cloudy With a Forty Percent Chance
of Rain-forest.
 
    --Suzanne M. Arruda
 
 
               Winner: Detective
 
In the ghastly rain driven by a mad El Nino, as Dr. Ann L. View,
forensic proctologist, arrived at the crime scene in her Ford
Probe, it was not initially obvious that the victim, a
thirty-something, somebody, had met his [or her, she could not be
certain in that damnable El Nino-driven rain] demise by impalement
by a foreign object [imported, that is] that had pierced his [or
her] heart after being inserted into his [or her] body in a region
below and behind the stomach.
 
     --Bill Sanders, West Hartford, CT
 
 
               Winner: Purple Prose
 
It was a stark and balmy night, the sultry breeze occasionally
interrupted by the hot wind known as the Santa Ana sweeping
across the desert floor (for it is in Palm Springs that our story
is set), whipping violently past the cholla, the ocotillo, and the
Joshua tree, moving inexorably westward where it would push the
low-lying smog of the San Gabriel and San Fernando Valleys toward
the ocean to hang like a brown, toxic, gaseous imitation of The
Shroud of Turin above the beach at Santa Monica.
 
     --Erik Wilson, San Francisco, CA
 
 
               Runner-Up: Purple Prose
 
Her eyes were green, lichen green, the kind that grows in fish
tanks if you don't clean them for several weeks, because you keep
putting it off -- until you're not even sure if you have live fish
in there, and you don't bother anymore, that shade of lichen green.
 
     --Sharlini Nambiar, Kuala Terengganu, MALAYSIA.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 07:12:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Say What!!!???
 
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a
pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her,
"hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She
storms past the store to her work.
 
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the
parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly." She
was incredibly ticked now.

The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once
again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so
furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the
store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized
profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the
lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey
lady." She paused and  said," yes?" The bird said, "you know."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 08:05:23 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: ONE and Twenty
 
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you
been? I haven't seen you around here much."
 
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on
a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States
for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that
kind of stuff. How about you?"
 
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church,
church, church."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 11:00:41 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: {HUMOR} A Plethora of Aphorisms
 
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
 
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
 
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
 
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not able to say it.
 
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
 
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
 
I doubt, therefore I might be.
 
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
 
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
 
Women like silent men, they think they are listening.
 
Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back too?
 
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 
If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is still #2?
 
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
 
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
 
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
 
Why is it if someone wants to know what you are thinking it's
"A penny for your thoughts"  but if you volunteer your opinion it's
"Putting your two cents in" ?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 08:00:16 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: EarthQuake in California
 
This morning we had a minor earthquake in Northern California. The
following report came moments after the 5.3 quake from a caller on
KSFO:
 
Assessing the damages in Hollister, California, a city hit hard by
El Nino, found that the quake did $319 worth of improvements...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 10:21:54 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Children <child advocates>
 
Actually, there are times when child abuse should be legal. Like
when the child orders the $4.95 burger deluxe and just eats the
pickles.
 
A new government study shows that kids' favorite vegetables are
carrots, tomatoes, and green M&Ms.
 
I have a great idea for a federal make-work program. How about
assigning every unemployed person a 2-year-old to clean up after?
 
 
From Family Fun at http://www.flash.net/~comedy/family.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 12:39:28 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Letter From Grandma
 
Dear Kids,
 
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw
a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I bought it and put it
on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.  What an
uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the light of a
busy intersection... just lost in thought about the Lord, and
didn't notice that the light had changed.  That bumper sticker
really worked! I found lots of people who Love Jesus.
 
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.  He must really
love the Lord because he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus
Christ!!" as loud as he could.  It was like a football game with
him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!
 
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all those loving people.  There must have been
a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling
something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I had recently
asked my two grandsons what that meant.  They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good-luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good-luck sign back.  A couple of the people were so caught up in
the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
walking toward me.
 
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light
had changed, and I stepped on the gas.  It's a good thing I did,
because I was the only car to get across the intersection.  I
looked back at them standing there.  I leaned out the window, gave
them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good-Luck sign as I
drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 
Love ya all,
Grandma
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 09:42:45 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Why Cartoons Aren't Funny Any More
 
                         COYOTE v. ACME

In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,
Arizona   Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
 
                   Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff
                             v.
                     Acme Company, Defendant
 
Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:  My
client, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme
Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted
merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every
state, district and territory.  Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for
personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering
caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence
of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter
47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
 
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through
that company's mail-order department, certain products which did
cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper
cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof
of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked
Exhibit A.
 
Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted
his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr.
Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's
Compensation.
 
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant
via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote
was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon
receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden
shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated
the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled
accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch
Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
 
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a
violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and
placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over
the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along
his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his
prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to
the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver
but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a
faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote
into collision with the side of a mesa.
 
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision.
 
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on
all four legs.
 
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use
this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again,
Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which
attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate
vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
 
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the
Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a
roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of
his full silhouette.
 
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the
Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme
Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
 
(For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue
and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.)
 
Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased
of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite
just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort,
Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward
around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and
swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr.
Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and
then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed
to the top of the butte.
 
Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote
proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to
the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
 
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in
the following dis-figurements to Mr. Coyote:
 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
 2. Sooty discoloration.
 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle
    in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
    frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
 
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair
of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's
Exhibit D. 

Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical
laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for
analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this
product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by
Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile
strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this
product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial
moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
 
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.
Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was
known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the
wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw
holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr.
Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him.
 
Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range
of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance
with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
 
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet
unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from
Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote
hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr.
Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full
weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower
extremities.
 
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,
whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and
collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid
in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and
recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce,
Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came
into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the
ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time.
 
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to
Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement
of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and
compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of
blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal
folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition
which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward
alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike
wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature
of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.
 
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is
our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-
foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's
products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to
which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in
Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a
giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most
reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual
damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from
professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages
(mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars;
and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this
Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers,
shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they
understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to
equal protection under the law.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 19:19:07 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Sony's Rated X-ray vision (Clean, News article)
 
Sony halts shipments of Handycam, infrared function sees through
clothes  August 12, 1998
 
TOKYO (Reuters) - Electronics giant Sony Corp. said Wednesday it
had halted shipments of some video cameras after finding they could
be used for filming more of their subjects than meets the eye.
 
Some versions of the Handycam have infrared technology which lets
users shoot at night or in darkness in a "night shot" mode. But
magazine reports revealed that when the special feature is used in
daylight or a lighted room with a special filter it can "see
through" clothing -- underwear can show up, especially on those
lightly dressed, and people wearing swimsuits look almost naked.
 
A Sony spokesman said the first the company knew of the camera's
surprise feature was when reporters started asking for comments on
the "new way" of using the camera. Sony technicians then
experimented and confirmed that the technology had the unintended
capability. "When we developed this feature for the Handycam, we
were thinking of people filming night views -- their children
sleeping, or perhaps the nocturnal behaviour of animals," the
spokesman said.
 
Concerned at the possibility of less innocent users taking
advantage of the technology, Sony has modified the camera so the
"night shot" mode only works in the dark. Shipment of the new
versions have already begun, replacing the original ones, which hit
the market in March and had sold around 180,000 units in the
domestic market up to the end of July, the spokesman said.
 
It sold 870,000 of the original cameras worldwide by the end of
June, including 400,000 in North America and 290,000 in Europe. The
spokesman said it is now shipping the modified version overseas. He
denied local media reports that it had asked stores to remove the
original versions from their shelves. The company declined to
confirm retail prices, but media reports said the cameras range
from 100,000 yen ($684) to 200,000 yen in Japan. ($1146).
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 23:25:28 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Duel (pun, tongue twister)
 
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott
was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott
than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he
shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may
be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself.

We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but
Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

...and another one, from "The Secret of the Monkey Island TM":

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 16:33:43 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Take My Guy...Please! <adult, off. to fem?>
 
(This came to me thru EMail...)
 
               Chain Letter For Women
                 * * * * * * * * * *
This letter was started by a woman like yourselfin the hope of
bringing relief to other tired and discontented women...
 
Unlike most chain letters, this one will not cost anyone anything.
Just bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the woman
whose name appears at the top of the list (below), and add your
name at the bottom of that list. Then send a copy of this letter to
five of your friends who are equally frustrated.
 
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive
16,877 men... one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have.
 
Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain, and got her own
son-of-a-bitch back. At this writing, a friend of mine already
received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three
undertakers more than 36 hours to get the smile off her face, and
two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
 
Hurry up and send this letter along, so my name can move up fast!
 
 
          The Liberated Women's List
          --------------------------
Helena Backseat <HighHeels@auto.car.com>
Yowanna Blojob <BJs_R_US @deepthroat.us.guv>
Lotta Fuxenbach <givit2me@anal.net>
Andi Luvdit <dewmefirst@hotmale.com>
Ima Luzinthyme <SaggyMama@granny.com>
Anita Hardwun <ICU2@cumming.edu>
I. B. Givvenhead <suxitin@gagme.com>
Wilma Holedrip <SluttySpice@smelly.net.uk>
Iva Deephole <keepitcummin@muff.net>
Wanda Getlaid <been2long@bellevue.hosp.edu>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 17:41:49 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: We are what we eat!
 
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 19:33:32 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Lambchop (off to lambchop fans)
 
Did you hear that Shari Lewis died?
 
Lambchop has been a mess--he hasn't said a word since.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 19:57:03 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: White lie <adult context>
 
   A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was
getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the
father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman,
turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our
tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the
pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his
father to the local pub.
  There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends
and told them he was dying from AIDS.  Shocked, the son turned to
his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It
is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
  The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want
those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Aug 1998 to 13 Aug 1998
************************************************
 
