HUMOR Digest - 11 Aug 1998 to 12 Aug 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 515 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Science Exam Quotes (11 year olds)
  2. Barbers
  3. Bad Prose 2 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>
  4. Hard of Hearing??!!
  5. Q & A quickies
  6. First Aid
  7. Drinking + Driving (Furcadia) <clean>
  8. The hunter [Adult}
  9. DING DONG!(adult)
 10. Down On The Farm <adult>
 11. Brain Puzzler (Best-of-usenet repost)
 12. Medical Field Hospital (Adult/Sexual Content)
 
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Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 16:04:56 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Science Exam Quotes (11 year olds)
 
Science Exam Quotes (11 year olds):
 
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
 
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.
 
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
 
H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
 
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
 
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire.
 
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
 
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
 
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
 
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
 
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to
make Artificial Perspiration.
 
For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor.
 
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
 
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
 
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
 
To prevent conception: wear a condominium.
 
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 03:40:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Barbers
 
* A man walked into a barber shop and said, "Just take a little off
  around the ears.  I don't have time to listen to a haircut."
                            - - - - -
 
* The barber shop I go to has a large sign in the window:
  "Eight barbers: continuous discussion -- non-stop jokes"
                            - - - - -
 
*   Barber: "Your hair is getting gray."
  Customer: "Try cutting a little faster."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A long haired teen was getting a "trim".  He said to the
  barber,"I'm taking a year or two away from college to find
  myself."
    The barber replied, "If you'd get more than a trim, I'm sure
  you'd discover you've been there under all that hair all along."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A guy walks into a barber shop, is seated, and sez irritably to
  the barber, "I want my hair parted exactly in the middle."
    After about 10 seconds, the barber replies, "I'm afraid that's
  not possible sir. I just counted them & you have an odd number."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another
  razor. "Why ?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with
  this one ?"
    "I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a
  chance to defend myself."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A new barber was far from proficient, nicking his customer a
  dozen times while giving him a shave.  When he was finished, the
  customer asked for a glass of water.
    "Do you feel OK ?" asked the barber, worried that maybe the
  fellow was going to faint, after seeing the blood on the towel.
    "No, I'm fine." replied the customer. "I just want to see if
  my face or neck leak anywhere."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 11:38:18 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose 2 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>

More winners of the 1998 Bulwer- Lytton contest.
 
               Runner-Up: Romance
 
Her toes tingled when she saw him-mostly the two outer toes, the
little ones, whose nails had been ripped off by a lawnmower when
she was three, and although it might have been the medicated fungal
spray she used for her athlete's foot that caused the sensuous
shiver in her digits, she thought it was probably him.
     --Brian Kinlan, New Haven, CT
 
               Winner: Science Fiction
 
While the technician finished his work, Elmodine Jaatrix reflected
upon how badly the evening was going: the ionizer on her Acme 2100
E-Z Klean dishwasher had burnt out, the window-bot had developed an
attitude, and the Instafashion clothing dispenser would only
produce athletic supporters and Calvin Klein IX synthawool peasant
blouses, and as she stared at the gibbous moon slowly rising in
front of her, she pondered morosely, "If they can build cities in
the rings of Saturn, why can't they make pants for repairmen that
don't droop?"
     --Dave Lyon, Overland Park, KS
 
               Runner-Up: Science Fiction
 
"You will make an excellent meal for my slavering minions,
Earthwoman," gurgled Xardon The Conqueror as he slithered across
the floor, propelled by his scaled tentacles, while his quivering
eye stalks ogled the cowering form of his forlorn captive, "because
you have a high protein content, lots of complex carbohydrates, the
full B-vitamin series, and a really nice set of ta-ta's!"
     --Ross Borden, Victoria, British Columbia
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 07:10:07 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hard of Hearing??!!
 
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he
didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure
do," he  replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12
inch bic lighter.
 
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???"
 
"I got it from my genie."
 
"You have a genie," he asked?
 
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
 
"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, I'm a good friend of your master.  Will you grant
me one wish?"
 
"Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks
and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing
there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to
darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks
not ducks!"
 
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do
you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 09:49:20 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Q & A quickies
 
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
 
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
 
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says. "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"
 
Q: What did the fish say when when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."
 
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
 
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
 
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
 
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
 
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.
 
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
 
Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him!
 
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 11:05:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: First Aid
 
A lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the
lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center
she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.
Screaming "I know first aid" she ran to the person, threw her bag
down, loosened all tight clothing a got ready to start
mouth-to-mouth.
 
A this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked
"Do you mind I am trying to arrest this man.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 12:23:22 -0400
From:    Alyssa J Chase <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Drinking + Driving (Furcadia) <clean>
 
A wolf dressed all in black rides up to Mycroft's on a jet-black
ostrix.  Leaves it outside, walks in, and says to the ferret who's
tending bar that day, "Give me three bottles of whiskey, and a
bucket."
 
The bartender brings it to him.  He pours the three bottles out
into the bucket, takes it outside, and hangs it around his ostrix's
neck. The ostrix drinks it all up.  So the wolf brings the empty
bucket back in, hands it to the bartender, and says, "I need to be
going now.  How much do I owe you?"
 
The bartender says, "Is that all?  Don't you want anything for
yourself?"
 
And the wolf replies, "No thanks. I never drink and drive."
 
 
Note: This joke is meant towards members of Furcadia.
      You can download Furcadia at www.download.com.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 18:11:59 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The hunter [Adult}
 
With the onset of a new hunting season Harry set off for the local
gun shop to purchase a weapon with which to join in the sport he
had heard so much about.  After much discussion with the proprietor
he emerged with a very fine .22 target rifle.
 
The next day Harry went down to the woods where he soon spotted
suitable prey, a large brown bear.  Harry took careful aim and
fired.  To his delight the bear went down with the first shot, but
as he approached his prize the bear stood up, dusted himself off
and glared at Harry.  "There is a rule in these woods," said the
bear.  "If you shoot a bear and miss you are the bear's to play
with.  Now drop your drawers and bend over that log."

 
The following morning saw a somewhat bowlegged Harry discussing
more effective armament to aid him in his quest.  He finally left
with a 10 gauge over and under.
 
Dawn found Harry back in the woods, hot on the trail of a certain
bear. A sudden noise alerted him, and after verifying his target
Harry let fly with both barrels.  Result - one prone bear.
Scarcely able to contain his joy Harry closed on his kill, but joy
turned to horror as the bear picked himself up and dusted himself
off.  Plucking the still smoking shotgun from Harry's trembling
hands the bear pointed to a nearby tree stump and said "There is a
rule in these woods.  Now assume the position."
 
It was several days before Harry felt fit enough to return to the
gun shop.  This time he wanted something which would give him a
second chance; he left with an M16 and two magazines.
 
The dawn chorus curiously avoided Harry, who looked to be a man
with a mission, a man who might not be best pleased by the
interruption to his single-minded pursuit of one particular bear.
Hunkering down in his carefully camouflaged hide, Harry waited.
His patience was eventually rewarded as the bear lumbered into
Harry's sights.  Harry carefully squeezed the trigger and emptied
the entire clip at point blank range.

The bear dropped like a stone, but taking no chances Harry quickly
swapped the empty magazine for the second.  He then approached the
downed bear.  Suddenly, the bear picked himself up, but before he
had a chance to dust himself off Harry emptied the second clip.
This time the bear did not move for so long that Harry began
preparations to skin his prize.  He was poised with his hunting
knife when the bear looked up at him and said "You aren't here for
the hunting, are you?"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 15:09:48 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: DING DONG!(adult)
 
The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the
funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided
in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it
lasted.
 
Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with
the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again, then added, "If
that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 15:50:33 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Down On The Farm <adult>
 
A little boy came down to breakfast.  Since they lived on a farm,
his mother asked if he had done his chores.  "Not yet," said the
little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until
he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and
he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
 
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?  Why don't I
have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
 
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk
this morning."
 
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks
the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
 
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 01:12:07 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Brain Puzzler (Best-of-usenet repost)
 
From: David Pacheco
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, misc.consumers.frugal-living
 
>In article kmm says...
>
> All this has made me wonder about something (and I can't believe
> I never noticed it before!): how is it that you can have your
> fridge be cold and your stove be hot even when both use
> electricity???
 
Simple: the principle used is based on the simple fact that
electrons have positive (warm) charge, and neutrons have negative
(cold) charge. How does this work, you ask?
 
Let's use the fridge as an example:  the coils on the back of your
fridge are electron filters: they trap the electrons and send them
back through the plug in the wall, where they are stored and
recycled by the power company.  So the only particles allowed to
pass through the filters and on to the inside of the fridge are
neutrons.
 
Since opposite charges attract, the negatively charge neutrons
"draw away" the warm electrons inside your fridge, and bind with
them in an electrochemical reaction too complex to go in here*,
thus converting them to dust particles.   These, being heavier than
the freon gas that fills your fridge when you close the door, fall
to the ground: this "dust" is what accumulates behind and
underneath your fridge.  Since the inside of the fridge now has
fewer electrons bouncing around, it is technically colder.
 
Note that I say "technically".  In reality, it is the rest of the
world that has gotten warmer, since energy cannot be created nor
destroyed. For every fridge in the U.S. running on electricity that
is keeping your meat from going bad, there is an Eskimo somewhere
whose igloo is melting. Quid pro quo, QED.
 
Please note that the "dust" that accumulates behind your fridge and
the "dust" that accumulates behind your stove or microwave are, in
fact, created by equal and opposite forces (neutrons binding to
electrons vs. electrons binding to neutrons).  Thus, due to the
Third Law of Thermal Dynamics, these "dust particles" are in fact
matter (fridge) and anti-matter (oven).  DO NOT DISPOSE OF THEM IN
THE SAME GARBAGE BAG!  Separate Zip-Loc bags are acceptable, but
only if wearing a lead apron.
 
It sure is a lot simpler in the US, but it's a real puzzler when
you think about Canadian kitchens.
 
Canadians, by using neutrons to keep their fridge cold and
electrons to warm up their food, are using and conserving the
energy balance wisely.
 
By using gas ovens, the U.S. is contributing to the worldwide over-
production of electrons, which obviously leads to the greenhouse
effect: hence, the "warming trend" in the atmosphere over the past
hundred years.
 
You can help counteract this imbalance by leaving your oven on
whenever you have your fridge on, and vice versa.
 
Source: Best-of-usenet:
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 12 Aug 1998 00:50:08 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: Medical Field Hospital (Adult/Sexual Content)
 
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and
asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 
"Chronic syphillis, Sir"
 
"What treatment are you getting?"
 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 
"What's your ambition?"
 
"To get back to the front, Sir."
 
"Good man." says the Major.
 
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 
"Chronic piles, Sir"
 
"What treatment are you getting?"
 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 
"What's your ambition?"
 
"To get back to the front, Sir."
 
"Good man." says the Major.
 
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
 
"What treatment are you getting?"
 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 
"What's your ambition?"
 
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Aug 1998 to 12 Aug 1998
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