HUMOR Digest - 10 Aug 1998 to 11 Aug 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 382 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Hospitals
  2. IT's ALL In DA NAME(adult)
  3. Computers
  4. Bad Prose 1 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>
  5. Cop bites driver
  6. Family Picnic <adult>
  7. Humor - It's a Wacky World! #54
  8. 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
  9. Monicagate limericks [Adult]
 10. More Monicagate [adult theme}
 11. What is the purpose of Perl
 12. Personality Test (Adult/sexual content)
 
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Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 03:45:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hospitals
 
* Years ago most hospitals were known for their "TLC" (Tender
  Loving Care).  Well, I guess most still are, except now, TLC
  means Take Lottsa Cash.
                           - - - - -
 
*   My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
  information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack.
  She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
    "Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
                           - - - - -
 
*   When I was in Howard County General I kind-of took-up a habit
  of flirting with this one particular lil' Nurse.  One morning I
  told her I wished I could stay longer as I enjoyed our banter.
    She said, "You may just get your wish.  My boyfriend, the Ward
  Doctor, heard you flirting with me yesterday."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital
  for a very serious condition. She could only be fed
  intravenously, which isn't very pleasant at all.
    She asked the Nurse if she could have a couple of extra bottles
  this one day.  The Nurse asked her "Whatever for ?"
    She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people over for lunch."
                           - - - - -
 
*   At a Prima Care Clinic in Wylie Texas, an older woman found one
  reason or another to visit daily.  She had few friends and liked
  to chat with the Doctors and Nurses.  They in turn treated all
  of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.
    Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week,
  a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.
    The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 07:18:23 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: IT's ALL In DA NAME(adult)
 
All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
 
Mycoxafailin

------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 09:12:17 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Computers
 
Some file definitions for computer buffs:-
 
1) If you can see it and it's there, it's REAL.
 
2) If you can see it and it's not there, it's VIRTUAL.
 
3) If you can't see it and it's there, it's HIDDEN.
 
4) If you can't see it and it's not there, it's been DELETED!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 15:29:03 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Bad Prose 1 of 3 (max. 4) <clean>
 
The annual Bulwer- Lytton contest has published its 1998 winners.
This is an annual tongue-in-cheek competition for the first
paragraph of the worst novel ever written.
 
 
Overall Winner:
The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, anchovy
chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it
lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated
radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with
glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic
oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped
on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick
inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this
was, in all likelihood, an inside job.
                                        --Bob Perry, Milton, MA
 
Winner: Western
It was a majestic weapon, a masterpiece of form and function,
hand-crafted by master gunsmiths, accurate to a hundred yards, its
bright silver body and long barrel glistening in the sunlight, the
hand-carved ivory inlay warm against the palm, and mom got a good
dollar for it after my brother was shot in the back.
                                   --Terry Mayer, Oshawa, Ontario
 
Winner: Romance
My heart skipped a beat as the bearded walrus gently nudged me in
the small of my back with one smooth, curved tusk, expelling a warm
breath of air into my upturned face, its smell of peanuts reminding
me of that precious night on Coney Island; the night when I became
a woman... a woman and a convict.
                              --Alison M. Kelly, Vero Beach, FL
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 14:31:10 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Cop bites driver
 
>India News Network Digest - Aug. 10, 98.
#12. National news snippets
 
Cop bites driver
 
In a bizarre incident, a traffic constable bit an errant driver of
a mortuary van in the wake of an altercation at Kodambakkam in
Chennai on Sunday, reports UNI.
 
As the driver committed a traffic violation, the constable stopped
the van carrying a corpse from the Royappettah Hospital. The two
indulged in fisticuffs.
 
The constable, who was reportedly assaulted by the driver, then bit
the latter in his chest. Both were admitted to the hospital.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 15:16:10 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Family Picnic <adult>
 
A newly married couple went to a family picnic at his parent's
house, and the new wife was doing her best to learn the names of
brothers, sisters, cousins, and all of the  associated wives,
husbands and children.
 
However, there was one guy there that she just couldn't keep
straight in her mind, no matter what she tried. Finally, he bailed
her out, telling her his name was Dick.
 
"Of course!" she said quickly, without thinking. "How could I ever
forget?  You even *look* like a Dick!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 15:53:35 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's a Wacky World! #54
 
                       Redneck Summer Games
 
Joe "Nailbender" Pike prepares to hit the mud during the Mudpit
Bellyflop competition of the annual Redneck Summer Games Saturday
in East Dublin, Georgia. Pike earned a second place finish with his
effort.
 
The games began as a spoof of the Summer Olympics. Other events
include Bobbing for Pigs Feet, the Hubcap Hurl, the Watermelon Seed
Spitting Contest and the Dumpster Dive. Prizes are crushed beer
cans mounted on trophies.
 
 
Copyright 1998   The Associated Press.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 17:17:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
 
10. She was wearing the same outfit as mine, but who cares?
    And, it looked better on her!
 9. Let's skip that sale, I really don't need anything anyway.
 8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight?
    I'd rather just watch TV.
 6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical?
    I'm tired of being "Just friends".
 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
 3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to
    figure out how to get there.
 2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a
    designer dress.
 1. Hey, pull my finger!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 01:39:57 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Monicagate limericks [Adult]
 
This is from a contest on Long Island.  The requirements were to
use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.  Here are the 3
winners:
 
               Entry 1:
  There once was a gal named Lewinsky
  Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
  'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
  On this flute made of beef
  That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
 
               Entry 2:
  Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
  We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
  Since you look such a mess,
  Use the hem of your dress
  And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
 
               Entry 3:
  Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
  What Kaczynski must surely have known:
  That an intern is better
  Than a bomb in a letter
  Given the choice of how to be blown.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 20:07:31 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More Monicagate [adult theme}
 
The latest development in the Clinton - Lewinsky intrigue is the
Monica had coughed up yet another piece of evidence!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 04:54:40 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: What is the purpose of Perl
 
Subject: Re: What is the purpose of Perl
From: Miguel Cruz
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc
 
> Eric Umehara wrote:
> I'm learning perl and am curious what is the purpose of Perl??
> What can it do and what has it done.
 
Perl can bend steel bars and move mountains. Perl can tie back the
hands of time. Perl is good for the goose and for the gander. Perl
can beat up Mike Tyson with one hand tied behind its back. Perl can
make a rock so heavy it can't lift it.
 
Perl has saved the rainforests, it has been to the moon, and it has
cured all major diseases. It has exceeded all known bounds. It has
mapped the universe and created an exact duplicate. Perl has danced
with angels and dined with Shakespeare.
 
Didn't you read the manual?
 
 
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 11 Aug 1998 01:05:24 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: Personality Test (Adult/sexual content)
 
     To determine YOUR personality.
     Check the gift you'd most like to get.
 1. Candy
 2. Flowers
 3. A sweet poem
 4. Sex
 5. Dinner/Dancing
 6. Waffle iron
 
If you answered...
  1. CANDY, It means that...
     You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and
     hopefully likes to share...
                         OR
     you're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over
     everything even true love.
 
If you answered...
  2. FLOWERS, It means that...
     You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and
     appreciate this timeless romantic gesture...
                         OR
     you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither
     & die.
 
If you answered...
  3. A SWEET POEM, It means that...
     You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes
     the power and beauty of the written word...
                         OR
     you're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as
     a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
     written word.
 
If you answered...
  4. SEX, It means that...
     You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid
     to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and
     feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful &
     beautiful
                         OR
     you're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting
     animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.
 
If you answered...
  5. DINNER/DANCING, It means that...
     You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic
     setting of fine cuisine and candlelight...
                         OR
     you're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body
     for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

If you answered...
  6. WAFFLE IRON, It means that...
     You're a practical person who believes those that you can
     actually use
                         OR
     you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about
     and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving
     kitchen appliances.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Aug 1998 to 11 Aug 1998
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