HUMOR Digest - 9 Aug 1998 to 10 Aug 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 732 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Speeches/Speaking
  2. Contracting Terminology
  3. Catholic Humor and Asylum Humor
  4. Suggestions For Golf/Bathroom
  5. 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
  6. WE IS LOST!
  7. Humor - It's a Wacky World! #53
  8. 100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman
  9. Heaven or Hell
 10. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 11. Doggy Tricks (insensitive to dog owners)
 12. Punjab Driving Appl. Form <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 03:13:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Speeches/Speaking
 
* Personally, I think all speeches should be patterned after a
  woman's skirt -- just long enuff to cover the subject, but
  short enuff to make it interesting.
                            - - - - -
 
* I don't know how many of you have been subjected to long-winded
  speeches either at work or socially.  It just seems to me most
  speakers are a lot like gamblers -- they just don't have enuff
  sense to quit while they're ahead.
                            - - - - -
 
*   When I was working at the Maryland State Highway I had a boss
  named Gail who was known to ramble on and on.  During one long
  discourse he said, "You all know I'm a man of few words."
    I said, "Yes, but you keep the ones you do know awful busy."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Charlie Fega, a politician here running for re-election to the
  County Council, concluded a speech and opened the floor for any
  questions.  One lady asked him if he got his tan playing golf.
    "Of course not !" he replied. "I've been far too busy for any
  golf campaigning for re-election with these open-air forums."
    "Well then," she smirked, "your speeches are way too long."
                            - - - - -
 
*   President Clinton'll be remembered for his long-winded speeches
  (among other things).  I really don't know what women see in the
  man, unless his "pillow talk" is far more brief.
    Anyway, to support my contention that the man just doesn't know
  when to shut-up, this year while he gave the "State-of-the-Union"
  message, the state of the Union changed dramatically.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 08:44:57 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Contracting Terminology
 
                GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING DEFINITIONS
 
  CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

  BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
 
  BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
 
  LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of
                his bid.
 
  ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.
 
  PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every
                     musician is in a different union.
 
  CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your
                         shirt under perfect control.
 
  OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of
          fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually
          applied at random with a shotgun.
 
  STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the
            chicken.
 
  DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
 
  COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.
 
  LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the
                        impossible.
 
  AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the
             wounded.
 
  LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the
            bodies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 09:46:14 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Catholic Humor and Asylum Humor
 
 A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
 lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers
 around.
 
 "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
  checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any
  kind.
 
 "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
 
 Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least
 eighty years of age.
 
 "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
 Catholic.  But for fifty years now I've lived behind St.
 Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I've
 listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to
 this man."
 
 The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
 the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
 in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and
he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!
Thirteen!"
 
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks
in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
 
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen!
Fourteen! Fourteen!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 09:47:53 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Suggestions For Golf/Bathroom
 
 Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a
Leak in a Public Bathroom
 
 10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
 
 9.  Form a loose grip.
 
 8.  Keep your head down.
 
 7.  Avoid a quick backswing.
 
 6.  Stay our of the water.
 
 5.  Try not to hit anyone.
 
 4.  If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
 
 3.  Don't stand directly in front of others.
 
 2.  Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
 
 1.  Don't take extra strokes.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 11:24:33 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
 
10. You look tired, let me do the clean up.
 
 9. Of course your mother can stay with us, as long as she likes.
 
 8. Here honey, you use the remote.
 
 7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just
    too big.
 
 6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta
    see!
 
 5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
 
 4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
 
 3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
 
 2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
 
 1. We never talk anymore.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 15:24:17 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: WE IS LOST!
 
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the
expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a
trace.
 
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its
steward Benny.  Both managed to swim to the closest island.  After
reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and
very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite
calm, relaxing against a tree.
 
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny.
"We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be
discovered here."
 
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the
confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000
and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal.  I donated the
same amounts four years ago.  And, three years ago, since I did
very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each.
Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a
million dollars."
 
"So what?" shouted Benny.
 
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives.  They'll find me,"
smiled Dr. Eskin.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 16:34:13 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's a Wacky World! #53
 
WEST HARTFORD, Connecticut (AP) -- Call it the case of the well-fed
burglar.

 
Clark Dounouk is accused of breaking into a gourmet food store as
many as 35 times over the past two months and feasting on lobster,
champagne, shrimp and well-aged wine.
 
"He was living good. It was his nightly dining spot," Detective
William Erickson said Friday. "He was eating better than we are."
 
Dounouk, 18, was charged with two counts of burglary and two counts
of larceny after authorities got an anonymous tip.
 
Police said Dounouk entered the upscale Ann Howard Cookery through
an unlocked rear door in June and July and raided the kitchen to
scarf up shellfish, deli meat, champagne and liquor.
 
Shop manager Hannelore Joeckel said she was not aware of the
break-ins until police notified her of the arrest.
 
"I told them it's very hard to tell because we make so much. Things
just disappear a lot," Joeckel said.
 
"Then they asked me if I have alcohol and I said, 'Yes, under my
desk I have wine and champagne for the gift baskets.' I took them
downstairs and there was nothing there anymore," she said.
 
Joeckel said the rear door had been broken and had been replaced
with a temporary door that had no lock.
 
 The door now sports a new lock, she said.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 21:55:06 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman
 
 1. We can get laid anytime we want
 2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
 3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet
    when you're drunk
 4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
 5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage
    or leg
 6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
 7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret
 8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
 9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is
    sleep with them
11. Men light our cigarettes for us
12. Men hold the door open for us
13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. We're cuter
15. We lie better
16. We're better manipulators
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our
    other halves - you guys get the couch
18. We always have food in the fridge
19. We don't worry about losing our hair
20. We always get to choose the movie
21. We don't have to mow the lawn
22. We don't have to take out the garbage
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. Cosmopolitan
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves
    deeper into a hole
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its
    cold
28. PMS is a legal defence for murder
29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all
    over 'em forever
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words - multi orgasmic
32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. Sweat is sexy on us
34. We never run out of excuses
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we
    could be having it that often
36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game too
37. We get expensive jewellery as gifts that we NEVER have to give
    back
38. We get candy, flowers and jewellery all the time cuz men fuck
    up so often
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in
    the corner
40. Women are cleaner
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys
    didn't know)
42. We're better arguers
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. We're flexible
49. When women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people
    we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. Menopause - thank god we're not capable of having children
    after we're fifty
51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say
    "no" to sex
52. Men in uniform
53. There is no penis envy
54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate
    because there's no messy cleanup
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
57. We often get to cut in line
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T
59. Better tips
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild,
    when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilised eating - we don't embarrass our
    friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or
    smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers
    or carrying our books anytime we want
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. Men will pay us for sex
67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. Men may fantasise about having sex with more than one woman at
    a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at
    once if we want
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so
    that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. Women sweat less
72. Women smell better
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste
    money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. Women have three accessible holes
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. We're better gossips
79. We have better fashion sense
80. We're better shoppers
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not
    gonna tell you)
84. We're all sittin on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our
    extreme advantage
85. We don't have to drive when on a date
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become
    presentable - ugly men are just fucked
87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling
    iron burn" line
88. Women know how to fake it
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're
    just short
92. Women do less time for violent crime
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just
    "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. Women never have to see combat
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. Women are sexier
 
      and the 100th reason its better to be a woman
 
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 22:20:46 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Heaven or Hell
 
There once was an consultant who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. 
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a
bus and she died.
 
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter himself.  "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before
you get settled in though it seems we have a problem.  You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an consultant make it this
far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
 
"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.

 
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
 
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven".
 
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The
doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto
the putting green of a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was
a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
 
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner.  She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
The consultant was having a good time that before she knew it, it
was time to leave.  Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back
up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
 
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
 
So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and
before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got
her.
 
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity."
 
The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all,
but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her
to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back
to Hell.
 
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.
 
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the consultant, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great time.  Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable."
 
The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 9 Aug 1998 21:06:36 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING - May be offensive to the President, Kenneth Starr, OJ
Simpson, taxpayers, Paula Jones, Princess Stephanie, women.
 
Well, folks... it's hot. It's been so hot, the National Weather
Service reports that we got an extra inch of rain just from all the
sweat off our foreheads.
 
Monica Lewinsky gave Kenneth Starr her dress for DNA testing. This
may be the first time Starr has gotten a dress off a woman. (Leno)
 
Did you see Monica when she showed up in court Tuesday? She was
wearing a polka-dot dress. Well... it think it was polka dots.
 
This week marks the fourth anniversary of Starr's investigation.
Hallmark is observing the occasion with a special subpoena card.
 
Bill Clinton has had 13 lawyers since taking office, or in legal
terms, a liars dozen. (Leno)
 
OJ Simpson is appealing the $33.5 million judgement against him in
his civil trial. When reporters asked why it took so long to
appeal, Simpson responded, "I was busy chipping golf balls... no, I
was in the shower... no, I was packing my bags..."
 
Congress passed its IRS reform bill, designed to be more taxpayer
friendly. Under the bill, the IRS is required to bring flowers to
the audit and call you in the morning to thank you.
 
General Motors announced it will sell automobiles over the
internet. Is this really a good idea? I don't want an air bag going
off every time my computer crashes.
 
According to a survey done for Newsweek, 53% of Americans believe
news reporting is inaccurate. No, wait... it was actually 57%.
 
According to the New York Post, the money for Paula Jones' $9,000
nose job came from an anonymous donor. That's pretty bad, when
complete strangers just send you cash... "Here lady, I saw you.
Fix your nose!" (Leno)
 
It appears the father of Princess Stephanie's new baby is another
one of her bodyguards. This is the second or third bodyguard she's
had a baby with. Princess Stephanie doesn't need bodyguards *for*
protection, she needs bodyguards *with* protection. (Leno)
 
An Ohio man was arrested at a Cleveland Indians game on charges of
aiming his video camera up women's skirts at the hot dog stand. If
convicted, he could get up to eight years in the White House.
 
An Arizona man got four years in jail for robbing a bank with an
electric razor. He used to hold up banks with a disposable razor,
but found it was only good for three, maybe four robberies.
 
According to the journal New Scientist, a Southern California woman
is pregnant from sperm taken from her late husband's body. I'm
guessing she never took "I'd love too, but I'm too tired" as an
excuse, either.
 
I don't understand all this fussing about computers crashing in
2000, I have one of the advanced models - it crashes all the time!
 
Scientists in China now say they want to start cloning panda bears
to save them from extinction. The best part is, it won't cost much
because panda bears are black and white. Color duplicates are much
more expensive. (Leno)
 
Charles Manson is said to have a web site. I think it's Charles
Manson dot Slash Slash Slash dot Slash Slash. (Leno)
 
MRI scans show that teenagers' brain function differently than
those of adults. They needed an MRI to figure that out?
 
The movie "The Mask of Zorro" is about a mysterious blade wielding
man in black with a mask. OJ Simpson is calling it the feel-good
movie of the year.
 
Wesley Snipes has a new science fiction movie coming out called
"Blade". Snipes plays the part of a character who is half man, half
woman. Can you imagine that? Having to deal with jock itch *and*
PMS? (Leno)
 
For the first time, basic cable channels have drawn more viewers,
higher ratings and higher audience shares then the four major TV
networks. No kidding - why see reruns of new shows on the networks
when you can watch reruns of great shows on Nickelodeon?
 
Mick Jagger turned 55. He's at that awkward age now - between being
a Stone and passing one. (Leno)
 
Dog breeder Richard Erickson has crossed a poodle with a pit bull.
It doesn't attack, but talk about some vicious gossip!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 00:04:39 EDT
From:    Sandy Sibert <SSibert911@AOL.COM>
Subject: Doggy Tricks (insensitive to dog owners)
 
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked
on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and
charming as everyone had said.
 
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play
with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls
over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms,
he'll jump through."
 
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.
Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over
the balcony railing.
 
Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest
dog you've ever seen?"
 
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed
to me."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 10 Aug 1998 10:06:16 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Punjab Driving Appl. Form <clean>
 
                 STATE of PUNJAB
          DRIVING LICENSE APPLICATION FORM
 
Last name: (Kaur/Singh/do not know)
 
First name:
(_) Balwinder
(_) Jaswinder
(_) Surinder
(_) Joginder
(_) Maninder
(_) Dont know
(Check appropriate box)
 
Age: ____
 
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure
 
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
 
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Pehelwan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
 
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
 
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
 
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
 
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
 
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
 
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks ___
 
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
 
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
 
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) Champak
(_) Indrajal
(_) Star and style
(_) The great Punjab Dairy
(_) Blank sheets
(_) Punjab Kesari
 
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen another person exactly like you
___ Number of times you've seen yourself in a UFO
 
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
 
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
 
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
 
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Aug 1998 to 10 Aug 1998
***********************************************
 
