HUMOR Digest - 8 Aug 1998 to 9 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 416 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1998 to 8 Aug 1998
  2. Gays <adult humor>
  3. Education Courses For Women (off. to women)
  4. Ranting Again by Dennis Miller <adult language>
  5. Twins
  6. Humor:  Off to Clintons
  7. Philosphy?
  8. How To Tell Wher A Driver Is From
  9. NAME GAME (adult/political)
 10. Genius - adult theme
 
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Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 00:29:34 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1998 to 8 Aug 1998
 
     [Post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
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Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 03:34:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gays <adult humor>
 
* Last month a gay boxer won the Golden Gloves.  They came all the
  way up to his elbows.
                                - - - - -
 
* Then there was the gay who'd been in so many fist fights he had
  developed a cauliflower wrist.
                                - - - - -
 
* Contrary to what you may have heard, I really don't think the
  originator of the expression "a man's man" had gays in mind
  when he coined the phrase.
                                - - - - -
 
* Fells Point is a very popular area as far as nite spots go in
  Baltimore.  My neighbor told me his wife got three propositions
  while they were dining there the other evening -- he got five !"
                                - - - - -
 
*   A man complains to a co-worker about a gay employee. "And why
  does he lisp like that all the time ?"
    The co-worker thinks for a second and replies, "Well John, just
  how do you want him to lisp ?"
                                - - - - -
 
*   Two women were walking down the street when two gay men passed
  by, arm in arm.  "Humph !" she said.  "They really ought to shoot
  men like that."
    "Bite your tongue Jody." rebuked her companion. "If they did,
  just where would you find a hairdresser ?"
                                - - - - -
 
*   A long time resident of San Francisco is packing all his stuff
  into boxes.  His roommate comes in and asks what he's doing. "I'm
  leaving !" he replies. "They just made homosexuality legal."
    "So why leave ?" queries his roomie. "Gays have been part of
  the scene here for years and years."
    "Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting out of here before the
  damn fools make it compulsory."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 09:17:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Education Courses For Women (off. to women)
 
 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
 
 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
 
 3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes
    Everyday.
 
 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
 
 5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait
    Until after the game.
 
 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
    Too.
 
 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
 
 8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You...
 
 9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
 
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
 
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want,
    Without Nagging.
 
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
 
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
 
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
 
15. Introduction to Parking.
 
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
 
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behaviour: Leaving the Towels
    on the Floor.
 
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
 
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
 
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
 
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
 
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
 
23. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
 
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
 
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
 
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
 
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
    Notice.
 
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
 
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
 
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
 
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
 
32. Appreciating the Humour of the Three Stooges.
 
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.
 
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
 
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 09:46:21 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ranting Again by Dennis Miller <adult language>
 
          Animal Rights
          from the book "Ranting Again"
          by Dennis Miller
 
Some claim that animals should not be exploited for entertainment
purposes.  Activists maintain that show business is demeaning to
animals.  Hey, it's show business, it's supposed to be demeaning.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly doing Ibsen
here, all right.
 
Come to think of it, I'm an animal.  Where were the animal rights
people when I signed my contract to be in that fucking Rebecca
De Mornay film a while back?
 
You know the animal activists are antifur, and this has caused
many fashion designers to now claim that they are against fur
because they care about the plight of the animals, especially the
ones that have been preapproved for the Platinum Card.  Hey, if
you designers are so altruistic, why don't you stop having your
jeans sewn in Guatemalan sweat shops by 14 year old girls who
make 20 dinari for a 16 hour work day and get to pee less
frequently than the guy in the middle seat on a wide-body L-1011
that's heading to sumo camp?

 
And the animal rights lobby also preaches vegetarianism to varying
degrees.  Look, the philosophy behind shunning meat for moral
reasons has more loopholes than Steve Forbes's long form, all
right.  Animal rights activists believe that as the most evolved
carbon-based entity on the planet, we have a responsibility to
coexist in harmony with our feathered, finned, and furred pals
rather than forcing them to serve our needs.
 
Yeah, and I'm sure that if I were wandering naked across the
Serengeti Plain and happened to come across a pride of lions
who were feeling peckish, they'd show me the same fucking
courtesy.  Come on, in less time than it takes to say "two
all-Miller patties" I'd be chile con carnage.
 
All right so much for the dispassionate sarcasm.  On the other
side of the menu, I mean ledger, I don't think it's right to test
cosmetics by trying them on animals.  Bugs Bunny's proclivity for
dressing in drag to dupe Elmer Fudd notwithstanding, rabbits as a
species aren't especially fond of being forced to wear more makeup
than RuPaul at Mardi Gras.
 
However, if we're talking essential medical research that will save
human lives, well, I don't give a rat's ass about... a rat's ass.
You know, if it's between my heart or a gorilla's... sorry Koko.
 It's been nice signing with you.
 
Call it karma, call it luck of the biological draw, call it
whatever you want to call it, Dr. Doolittle, but in the
interspecies battle of the bands, humans rock the hardest.
Now, get over it.
 
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 09:50:40 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Twins
 
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was
their looks.  If on felt it was too hot, the other thought it was
too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the
volume needed to be turned up.  Opposite in every way, one was an
eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.  Just to see
what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the
pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.  The
optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
 
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him
sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
 
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
 
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all
these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken."
answered the pessimist twin.
 
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for
joy in the pile of manure.  "What are you so happy about?" he
asked.
 
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 13:56:42 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Off to Clintons
 
News Flash!
 
The White House revealed today that Hilary Clinton in pregnant.
She initially refused to believe it, but it has been confirmed.
The due date is Jan 20, 1999.  In an exclusive, and informed source
passed on the script of the following telephone conversation
between the President and Hilary.
 
<Ring>
 
Hello?
 
Bill, you rotten son of a bitch!  I'm pregnant!  I can't believe
it.  I'm too old to be having another child.  My God!  What am I
going to do?  You said you were sterile and now this.  And its all
your fault!
 
Uhh... Who is this?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 15:45:17 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Philosphy?
 
(True story)
 
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first
examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply
said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
 
After a short time he wrote:
 
"If that is a question, then this is an answer"
 
The student received an "A" in the class
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 17:50:40 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How To Tell Wher A Driver Is From
 
 One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: Chicago
 
 One hand on the wheel, one finger out window: New York
 
 One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
 accelerator: Boston
 
 One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
 California With gun in lap: L.A.
 
 Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
 in terror: Ohio, but driving in California
 
 Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
 turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
 
 Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
 is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
 
 Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
 beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
 West Virginia
 
 Two hands on wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in
 the left lane, with the right turn signal on, and making a right
 turn: New Mexico
 
 One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
 brake, mind on game: Seattle
  
 Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
 checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
 their own or another's car: Colorado
 
 One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
 different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
 brush and rat-tail comb to keep the helmet hair going, both feet
 on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver
 with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
 Texas, Female
 
 One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
 at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around
 a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
 road:  Texas, Country, Male
 
 One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
 both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake throwing
 a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas, City, Male
 
 One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
 waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping careful
 eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back
 and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not
 to litter: Colorado
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 18:52:36 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: NAME GAME (adult/political)
 
The wives of four presidents and a prime minister are talking
together about how a penis is called in their language.
 
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman,
because it stands up when women are entering.
 
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot,
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the
back side.
 
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it
goes down after the act.
 
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it CPR, because
it goes mouth to mouth....
 
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Date:    Sat, 8 Aug 1998 21:50:43 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Genius - adult theme
 
  I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using
nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for
everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
 
  In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
 
  "I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually.
"I find things so easy that I have to make everything more
difficult.
 
  "Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung
stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew.  I could
still beat Steve Davis with one hand tied behind my back.  I have
to make it difficult or I get bored.
 
  "Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the
gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I'm right handed)
sight with my right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand) and
stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon
stable.  Even then, I could win Bisley whenever I want.  Nothing's
any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."
 
  I was impressed.  "Got any kids?" I enquired.
 
  "Yes," he replied.  "And before you ask: standing up in a
hammock."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Aug 1998 to 9 Aug 1998
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