HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1998 to 8 Aug 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 780 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Ear's how to use a phone
  2. Moore on Aging
  3. Ranting Again, Dennis Miller <Adult language>
  4. Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew (adult)
  5. The ANA Act (offensive to couch potatoes)
  6. Amazing discovery
  7. A Humorous Survey Question (2)
  8. No Dancing
  9. Psalm14:1 proved
 10. The comeback line of the century (adult content)
 11. Chicken Quotes: Other Religions
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:34:39 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: Ear's how to use a phone
 
This is an article from The Daily Mirror (UK) August 6th 1998
Written by Michael Greenwood
 
EAR'S HOW TO USE A PHONE
 
Alcohol makes you drunk, always hold a telephone to your ear and
don't eat you waterbed.
 
Bizarre statements of the obvious printed on signs, packets and
leaflets are becoming a part of everyday life.
 
For instance, Air New Zealand has some excellent advice for
passengers using the inflight phone: "Users are asked not to phone
999 for emergency services whilst airbourne."
 
British Airways executive club members get airline handbooks.  The
latest edition suggests: "To save space in your briefcase, discard
your exsiting handbook and replace it with your new one.
 
To get the bext out of your mobile phone, Nokia explains: "Use only
in the normal position (to ear)."
 
Ears again...  Makers of the Acme ultrasonic dog whilst tell pet
owners: "This product will be ineffective if your dog is deaf."
 
Superstores have come up with some crackers, Tesco has a recipe for
garlic bread which recommends: "Blend all ingredients except the
French stick."  Marks and Spencer bread-and-butter pudding warns
hungry customers: "Product will be hot after heating."
 
And Sainsbury kindly point out that their bags of peanuts "contain
nuts".
 
Some advise is positively mind blowing.  INdustrial lavatory
disinfectant Hibitane warns: "Avoid contact with brain."
 
Insomniacs hoping for help from Sleep Aid tablets will be
disappointed to read that side effects include "nightmares, sleep
disturbances and restlessness".  But they'll be pleased to learn
that sleeping moisture Nytol "may cause drowsiness".

 
A Health Education Authority leaflet on sensible drinking declares
"Hangovers are caused by drinking too much alcohol."  Talking of
booze, whisky-flavoured condoms available from pub vending machines
advise: "Warning - do not drive when using this product."
 
Rowenta Irons meanwhile advise customers "not to iron on body"
while a Japanese-made clock suggests: "To replace batter, take out
old one and insert new one."
 
PVC waterbed manufacturer Sevylor is obviously its customers might
get carried away.  Their instructions say: "This item is not to be
eaten."
 
 
http://welcome.to/ians.world
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 03:35:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Aging
 
* Tell ya one thing I'm sure glad of -- think how REALLY unpopular
  aging would be if wrinkles hurt like everything else does.
                              - - - - -
 
* A awful lot of couples these days suffer through an aging
  problem:   he won't act his, and she won't tell hers.
                              - - - - -
 
* A sure sign that you're not as young as ya used to be is when it
  takes you longer to recover than it did to tire ya out.
                              - - - - -
 
* Getting older means that things are finally starting to click for
  ya -- your neck...  your knees...  your elbows...
                              - - - - -
 
* I know one older fellow who always dates girls so young that most
  of them are younger than his dentures.
                              - - - - -
 
* I asked this same guy once why he didn't date women his own age.
  He said, "Hell boy !  There aren't any !!!"
                              - - - - -
 
* For anyone who's advanced in years, I've found they think weight
  lifting generally consists of trying to stand up.
                              - - - - -
 
* You know you're a Senior Citizen if you can remember when it took
  longer to fly across the country than it did to get to the
  airport.
                              - - - - -
 
* There is a certain amount of unfairness in aging.  The youth
  don't know what they want, and the old can't do what they want.
                              - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr summed-up my aging progress.  She sez by the time I
  learn to behave myself, there won't be anything else I can do
  anyway.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:22:56 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ranting Again, Dennis Miller <Adult language>
 
In Washington recently, a special 12 person committee was formed to
address the problem of teenage pregnancy.  You know, there used to
be a 2 person committee to handle that, it was called parents.
 
What can I say about today's families?  We've all had that
Thanksgiving dinner where your mother regales your date with the
story of how difficult you were to toilet train while you look down
the table and mutter, "You know I'm more fucked than this turkey."
 
You know, the American family is more unstable than a hostage
situation being negotiated by Crispin Glover.  The concept of
family is constantly changing. It has been altered more times than
Luther Vandross's tuxedo.
 
Y'know, when we look to politicians for answers, what do we get? 
They parrot the phrase "family values."  "Family values" has become
a bigger catchall than the front of Rush Limbaugh's shirt after an
all-you-can-eat nacho blowout. Interestingly enough, the dogs who
bark the loudest about family values-Dole, Gingrich, Gramm, all
left their first wives.  Put that little nugget in your irony
hookah and smoke it.  Gingrich had an affair while married to his
first wife, who had been his high school math teacher, a woman he
divorced while she was recuperating from cancer surgery, and then
he had to be pursued for adequate child support.  Talk about the
putz calling the kettle black.
 
Y'know, we've become a country of "don't do as I do, do as I say." 
We live in a society where people do more finger-pointing than Bill
Clinton at a Dunkin' Donut.
 
Of course I'm oversimplifying, but that's shat I'm paid to do.
Look, folks, as toubled as families are, this essential societyal
unit must be preserved at all costs...All I'm saying is never take
sides against the family, Fredo. 'Cause it's lonely out there in
the rowboat.
 
Your family are the people who cut you the most slack and give you
the most chances.  I mean, when Richard Dawson says, "Name
something you find in a refridgerator" and you say, "A dictionary"
and the rest of America is screaming "You moron!" at their TV sets,
who's clapping and saying "Good answer!"  Your family, that's who.
 
Families keep everything in perspective.  You can grow up, get out
in the world, become a big success.  You can control fortunes,
corner the market, forecase financial trends, steer your company
into the 21st century and beyond, but you go home to your family
and you know who you are?  You're just the kid who got tricked by
his brothers into drinking a glass of pee.

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
 
From the book "Ranting Again"
by Dennis Miller
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:26:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew (adult)
 
  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
     if he can find the perfect present, again!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
     answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
     to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation
     and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
     like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
     the tides. Let it be.
 11. Shopping is not sport.
 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
 13. You have enough clothes.
 14. You have too many shoes.
 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
     to like it.
 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
     your Dad probably is too.
 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
 18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will.  Mark
     anniversaries on a calendar.
 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
     point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
     we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
     look good with your dress?
 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
     See a doctor.
 23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
 25. Check your oil.
 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
     together.
 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
     argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
 30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
     expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
     the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
     how pretty you are?
 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
     it done but not both.
 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
     commercials.
 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
     to complain about having their boobs stared at.
 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it just like
     you do.
 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
     airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly
     not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
     two months we were going out.
 41. Anyone can buy condoms.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:21:03 -0500
From:    Brian Reeves <brianr@ALPHA1.NET>
Subject: The ANA Act (offensive to couch potatoes)
 
CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
 
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
 
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
 
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans, through no fault of their own, do
not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard
and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
 
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-
based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense
of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly
replaceable employees.
 
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-
germane worker for every two talented new hires.  Finally, the
Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to
prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective
employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can
you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special
skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
 
As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up
with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou
Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a
Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of
notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
 
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz &
millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see
a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless
of his or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in
this great nation.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 13:40:41 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-
DRILLING.CO.UK> Subject: Amazing discovery
 
The year is 2234....
 
Hey, Mike, what's that you have?
M: Oh, hi Dave, that's something very secret the boys in the lab
   are working on...
D: Come on, give me a look...
M: Well OK then. This will be THE big breakthrough in data
   presentation and storage. Here, let me show you. See this wafer-
   thin white display unit?

D: What? is that a full display?? That thin?
M: Yep. And see this pointer here? When I move it across the
   display, it leaves a trail, so I can write directly on the
   display, and the display will store the image.
D: That's fantastic. Where is the drive unit?
M: This is it. It doesn't need any other resources. No power, no
   batteries, no nothing.
D: What an incredible discovery...
M: Now look at this.
D: Oh, your closing the unit. Well, I can do that as well with my
   notebook.
M: Hey, yes, but look I can fold it many times. See? Now it fits in
   my wallet.
D: So you can always carry it with you...Brilliant!  Hey, let me
   hold it for a moment? Gee, it's so light!!! I'm dreaming!!
M: No, you're not dreaming. Look, now I open it up again. See the
   image is still there. Now watch...
D: Hey, you're ripping the unit to pieces. What a waste!!
M: Yes, but look, I can hold them together, and the image is
   restored. This material is fantastic.
D: Incredible. Can't do that with my flashcard. Ha, ha... What are
   you doing now? You're jumping up and down in the display!...
   Oh, my God, it's still working! Say Mike what is the safe
   storage time for the unit? M: Oh, they say it will be a few
   centuries at least, perhaps even longer than a thousand years
   without too much degradation.
D: Gee, must be some stable magnetic fields they use.
M: Yes. The boys at Microsoft-Intel claim it will do away with
   monitors, computers, notebooks... They'll release it early next
   year, when they have finished the colour version. This is only a
   B&W gamma release.
D: What is it going to be called?
M: Paper35
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 11:28:34 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Humorous Survey Question
 
     [Post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 11:42:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: No Dancing
 
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the
orthodox rabbi for their final session.
 
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
 
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
 
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
 separately."
 
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
 
"No."
 
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
 
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
 
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
 
"No problem," says the rabbi.
 
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
 
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
 
"How about doggie-style?"
 
"Of course!"
 
"Well, what about standing up?"
 
"NO!" says the rabbi....
 
"Why Not???" asks the man.
 
"Could lead to dancing!"
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 15:56:27 -0600
From:    Wendell Gragg <wgragg@SOCORRO.K12.TX.US>
Subject: Re: A Humorous Survey Question
 
     [Post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 17:42:35 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Psalm14:1 proved
 
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion
about God's existence.  The professor presented the following
logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?"  Nobody spoke.
 
"Has anyone in this class touched God?"  Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"
 
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there
is no God."
 
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to
reply.  Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following
questions of his classmates:
 
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"  Silence.
 
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"  Absolute 
 silence.
 
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
 
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our
professor has no brain!"
 
     ..The student received an "A" in the class.....
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 18:44:01 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: The comeback line of the century (adult content)
 
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,resident
of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson
will be charged with lewd & lascivious behavior, public indecency,
and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
 
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch,  he decided to stop.
 
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he
stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
 
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need".  "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson
apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.

 
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at
this pumpkin."  Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'  He got real
surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face
and said,  "A pumpkin?  Damn... is it midnight already?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 19:51:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: Other Religions
 
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
 
                        14. The Religious-Other
 
Baha u'liah (Hussein Ali):
(1) The bird seeketh its nest; the nightingale the charm of the
    rose; whilst those birds, the hearts of chickens, content with
    transient dust, have strayed far from their eternal nest, and
    with eyes turned towards the slough of heedlessness are bereft
    of the glory of the divine presence.
(2) He is walking the spiritual path with practical feet.
 
Buddha:
(1) If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
(2) It was contemplating the beauty of the world and enjoying
    nature.
(3) So that next time, it may return as a swan
 
Rev, John Buehrens:
to affirm the inherent worth and dignity of every chicken and to
protest the Chicken Scouts discriminatory policy against gay cocks
and hens.
 
Confucius:
(1) Chicken who first look both way, lives to see another day.
(2) When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and
    the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen
    may cross any road in the kingdom safely.
 
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi:
The chicken who crosses is practices satyagraha. It crosses with
courage, non-violence and truth, and is an example to all men as to
how they should behave to achieve freedom and self-independance.
 
Hopi Shaman:
He was following Takawee and Kowaho. It was his destiny.
 
L. Ron Hubbard:
(1) Only chickens who learn to cross can remove their engrams and
    become a clear.
(2) By crossing the chicken removes all counter-intentions from the
    environment.
 
Lao-Tse:
(1) Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck.
(2) The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road
    because that is the way of Tao.
(3) The chicken ignores the dictates of society and seeks only to
    conform with the underlying pattern of the universe, Through
    spontaneous compliance with the impulses of its own essential
    nature and by emptying itsself of all doctrines and knowledge,
    it achieves unity with the Tao and derives from it a mystical
    power that enables the chicken to transcend all mundane
    distinctions, even the distinction of life and death.
(4) To live in harmony with nature.
 
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi:
To find a place to practice his mantra in solitude.
 
Mahavira:
The chicken is sacred. It crosses to free its soul and live happily
and peacefully.
 
Manu:
The chicken who attempts to cross the road is a Chandalas and must
be treated as a pariah. Have no contact with it.
 
Mohammed:
(1) It is the mother of all chickens
(2) It is not for the chicken to cross the road but for the road to
    come to the chicken.
(3) To take an eye for an eye, a comb for a comb.
 
Sun Myung Moon:
Go thee to the airport and proclaim the chicken crosses witth my
blessing.
 
A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada:
to achieve personal peace and happiness.
 
Rsabha:
To free its soul from the entangling fetters of matter. The chicken
is just one of a million rebirths, a necessary stage to reach the
perfected state of infinite knowledge and peace each soul strives
to achieve.
 
Sect Shinto:
The chicken is descended from the Sun God and must be worshipped as
a God. We must not ask why it crosses.
 
Govind Singh:
The chicken who crosses must be pure and follow khalsa. He must be
ready to battle for the protection of the community and be devoted
to God. Men must train the chicken to hunt the hawk, so that one
chicken can fight a legion.
 
Joseph Smith:
The Angel Moroni appeared before me and commandeth that if I follow
the chicken who crossed the road it would lead me to Cumorah and
the plates of Gold.
 
The Vedas:
It was its karma.
 
Yao-shan:
(1) on being asked "Why did the chicken cross the road" answered,
    "A cloud in the sky and water in the jug!"
(2) The mind and feelings of the chicken frustrates its own proper
    functioning when it clings deliberately to the world of
    experience
 
Zoroaster:
(1) Every chicken must cross the road. The righteous chicken will
    go directly to paradise. The wicked chicken must first be
    purified in Hell.
(2) To attain its eternal reward in Heaven by supporting Ahura-
    Mazda in his battle against the powers of evil.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Aug 1998 to 8 Aug 1998
**********************************************
 
