HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1998 to 7 Aug 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 484 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Cheatin' Hearts <adult humor>
  2. God Created Woman (adult)
  3. Pope in heaven
  4. Top5 - 8/6/98 - Surprises in Monica's Testimony
  5. F-word <language, adult>
  6. Stockholder
  7. John Cleese (risque)
  8. DR SUESS MEETS FORNIGATE(adult political)
  9. Microsoft invented it (offensive to Bill Gates)
 10. Glossary Of Product Terminology
 11. More little used euphemisms for sex (adult content)
 12. Logical Thinking <clean>
 13. The Sick Rabbit (Pun)
 
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Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 03:40:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cheatin' Hearts <adult humor>
 
*   A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate
  love on the couch with another man, and starts yelling at her.
    "Oh great !" said the woman.  "Big mouth's home, now the whole
  building will know."
                              - - - - -
 
*   After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the
  lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range.  "It's the
  only life for me.  In fact, I wantta die with my boots on."
    As they both heard a car, she said, "Well... better get 'em on
  Slick, that's the Sheriff, my husband."
                              - - - - -
 
*   A man is telling his friend about his escapades and says, "I
  feel so bad -- I've been cheating on my wife."
    "How many times ?" asked the friend. "I mean, if this is your
  first time, surely you can beg for forgiveness."
    "How should I know ?" he replied. "I'm not an accountant, I'm 
  a lover."
                              - - - - -
 
*   A woman is checking out at the Giant grocery store & one
  cashier is telling another, "He's the biggest sexist I've ever
  met; his ego knows no bounds and he tells the most God-awful
  jokes.  But I can't help myself, married or not, I love him."
    When she goes home she asks her husband, "George, are you
  having an affair with one of the cashiers at the Giant ?"
                              - - - - -
 
*   A meek bookkeeper had been moping around all week, and the boss
  wanted to know what was wrong.  "It's my wife." he replied.
  "She's fooling around with other men."
    "Well...  I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I
  wouldn't like that one damn bit either."
    "No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't
  sleep with 2 other people in our small bed."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 07:11:41 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: God Created Woman (adult)
 
And God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the
woman, "Is there anything that you'd like to have changed?"
 
She replied, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so
it was done, and it was good.
 
Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in
her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
 
And God created man.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 10:39:51 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pope in heaven
 
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can
enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.  He decides that he
wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy
scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
 
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and
begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from
the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script.
 
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
 
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
is.  After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the
letter 'R'  ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 10:48:54 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/6/98 - Surprises in Monica's Testimony
 
      The Top 14 Surprises in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony
                         August 6, 1998
 
14> Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's dress with the
    "sequin" on it.
 
13> Vince Foster actually killed by a jealous O. J.
 
12> Stain turns out to be McDonald's "Secret Sauce."
 
11> Still has the blue jumper she wore in kindergarten when Johnny
    threw his spaghetti at Suzy and missed.
 
10> Sometimes, even the president just likes to cuddle.
 
 9> If you tickle Bubba in just the right place, he *does* inhale.
 
 8> Linda Tripp confided that she hopes Ed Asner plays her in the
    movie.
 
 7> Out of all the gifts he gave her, the gold-embossed "Get out of
    jail free" card from the Franklin Mint's edition of Monopoly
    showed how thoughtful the President really is.
 
 6> Breaks wind whenever she removes the beret.
 
 5> Despite his centrist politics, Bill's more of a "leftist," if
    you get my drift.
 
 4> Although not advertised, anyone tuned into
    www.MyFirstPresident.com saw the whole thing!
 
 3> Clinton's fondness for berets once led to an embarrassing
    incident with Saddam Hussein.
 
 2> Surprise introduction of semen-stained window drapes, car hood
    and toaster cozy.
 
     and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony...
 
 1> Turns out BILL was the one wearing the dress.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 18:35:56 +0300
From:    Gabriel Saramet <kyshtock@BIGFOOT.COM>
Subject: F-word <language, adult>
 
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical
word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love,
and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical
categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked
Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an
action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really
doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used
as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection
(Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).It can even be used as a
conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see,
there are very few words with the overall versatility of the
word"fuck".
 
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:
 
   1. Greetings           "How the fuck are ya?"
   2. Fraud               "I got fucked by the car dealer."
   3. Resignation         "Oh, fuck it!"
   4. Trouble             "I guess I'm fucked now."
   5. Aggression          "FUCK YOU!"
   6. Disgust             "Fuck me."
   7. Confusion           "What the fuck.......?"
   8. Difficulty          "I don't understand this fucking
                           business!"
   9. Despair             "Fucked again..."
   10. Pleasure           "I fucking couldn't be happier."
   11. Displeasure        "What the fuck is going on here?"
   12. Lost               "Where the fuck are we."
   13. Disbelief          "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
   14. Retaliation        "Up your fucking ass!"
   15. Denial             "I didn't fucking do it."
   16. Perplexity         "I know fuck all about it."
   17. Apathy             "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
   18. Greetings          "How the fuck are ya?"
   19. Suspicion          "Who the fuck are you?"
   20. Panic              "Let's get the fuck out of here."
   21. Directions         "Fuck off."
   22. Disbelief          "How the fuck did you do that?"
 
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking
asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking
job?" It can be maternal - "Motherfucker." It can be political -
"Fuck Dan Quayle!"
 
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
 
"What the fuck was that?"
          - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
          - Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
           - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
           - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
           - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
           - Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
"What fucking map?"
           - Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
           - Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
           - Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
           - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
           - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
           - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
           - Edmund Hilary
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
           - John F. Kennedy
 
 
http://www.bigfoot.com/~kyshtock

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 12:09:41 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Stockholder
 
Dear Stockholder:
Records on file in this office indicate that you hold stock in the
following companies:
        American Can
        Intermountain Natural Gas
        Western Water
        Northern Tissue
In view of the current market conditions, we advise you to sit
tight on your can; hold your water; and let your gas go. Northern
Tissue touched new bottoms today and thousands were wiped clean.
 
Sincerely yours,
  R.U. Dunn
  Squatten Leavitt Corp.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 11:32:18 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: John Cleese (risque)
 
In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John
Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to
Americans:
 
1. They speak English.
 
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
 
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on
   one knee.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 14:20:59 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: DR SUESS MEETS FORNIGATE(adult political)
 
        Dr. Suess Meets Fornigate
 
                   I am Starr. Starr I are.
                   I'm a brilliant barri-star.
                   I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
                   Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
                   Did you grope her in you house?
                   Did you grope beneath her blouse?
                   Did she give you gifts and ties?
                   Were you spied by prying eyes?
 
                   I did not do that here or there!
                   I did not do that anywhere!
                   I did not do that in a chair!
                   I went not near her giant hair!
                   I did not join -- even for fun,
                   The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
                   So stow you feathers and your tar,
                   I did not do her, Starr you are!
 
                   Did you smile?
                   Did you flirt?
                   Did you peek beneath her skirt?
                   And did you tell the girl to lie,
                   When called upon to testify?
                   That is it; you've gone too far!
 
                   I do not like you, Starr you are!
                   I will not answer any more!
                   In fact, I think I'll start a war!
                   The public's easy to distract,
                   When bombs are falling in Iraq!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 15:36:18 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft invented it (offensive to Bill Gates)
 
NEW YORK (08/06/1998) -- In a detailed reply to the U.S.
government's antitrust lawsuit, Microsoft will argue the company's
Internet plans were well under way before Netscape rose to
challenge them, The New York Times reported Thursday.
 
The U.S. Justice Department contends Microsoft's aggressive tactics
in opening its deep pockets and wielding its market muscle in the
Internet software business were intended to protect and expand its
monopoly -- by crushing Netscape.
 
But in the reply which must be filed in court no later than Monday,
Microsoft will argue that Microsoft discussions and documents
dating to late 1993 show its Internet plans were under way before
Netscape was founded.
 
In a related story, Microsoft also claims to have had plans for an
icon based GUI computer interface controlled by a mouse as far back
as 1954, and internal memos show that the Redmond, WA based company
also had begun designing a wheel in 6 million BC.
 
When asked for comment, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates replied,
"Revisionist history will get you everywhere."
 
Note: The scary part is that the first 3 paragraphs are real!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 22:46:34 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Glossary Of Product Terminology
 
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
 
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
 
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
 
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
 
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
 
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

 
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
 
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
 
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
 
The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 10:05:24 -0600
From:    Brandon P Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More little used euphemisms for sex (adult content)
 
Two nights ago on the Late Show with David Letterman his top ten
list topic was "Top Ten Little-Used Euphamisms For Sex". I liked it
so much I was inspired to write my own.   Here are his:
 
Top Ten Little-Used Euphemisms For Sex...
 
10. Sinking the Titanic
 9. Team pushups
 8. Winning Powerball
 7. "You've got male"
 6. Saving Ryan's privates
 5. Puffing the daddy
 4. Giving the one-gun salute
 3. Penning your Teller
 2. WWW-ing until you dot com
 
     And the number one little-used euphemism for sex...
 1. Engaging in sexual intercourse
 
 
The TOP TEN LIST is (c) 1996 Worldwide Pants, Inc.
All Rights Reserved Not Endorsed Or Related To CBS Television
Or World Wide Pants, Inc
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
        "Here are mine"
 
10. In pilot speak  "gaining frequent flyer miles"
 9. Climbing the flag pole
 8. Slickin bills willy
 7. Yeehaa
 6. Pretending to be a bunny
 5. Dailing AOL
 4. Knocking around
 3. Parking the car
 2. listening to that biological clock
 
     And my number one "little used euphamism for sex" is
 
 1. Planned parent hood
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 7 Aug 1998 10:36:03 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Logical Thinking <clean>
 
A college professor of logic was attempting to teach his young son
the principles of clear thinking and the necessity for defining all
terms. he pointed to a wall clock which had just struck.
 
"Now, if I were to take a hammer and smash the clock," he queried,
"could I be arrested for killing time?"
 
The lad hesitated a moment. "No," he said, "it'd be self-defence."
 
The professor frowned. "How do you figure that out ?"
 
"Because," answered the boy, "the clock struck first."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 6 Aug 1998 22:00:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Sick Rabbit (Pun)
 
The owner of a large rabbit became worried when his pet began to
lose weight. None of the remedies of his veterinarian seemed to
work. A friend suggested he ignore the prescribed nostrums and use
goat's milk to fatten the bunny.
 
So the owner went to a nearby tallow factory where a young goat
dwelt and lived off the fat drippings. Milk from this goat was fed
to the declining rabbit but it's weight loss accelerated and its
health began to deteriorate alarmingly.
 
He rushed back to the vet who asked what he had been feeding the
rabbit. When told, the vet exclaimed, "Aha! That's the trouble.
You shouldn't have used that greasy kid stuff on your hare."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1998 to 7 Aug 1998
**********************************************
 
