HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1998 to 5 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Moral of the STORY (Adult)
  2. JimJr's Views on Life
  3. Texas Joke
  4. Relationships <adult>
  5. Multitasking and Chewing Gum
  6. FORE...!!! <adult>
  7. Dennis Miller Rants about Smoking <Adult Language>
  8. Fast Delivery (Pun)
  9. The Case Of The Broken Glass <clean>
 10. Over Endowed (somewhat of color)
 
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Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 02:29:30 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Moral of the STORY (Adult)
 
A fellow passed a house with a red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but
an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under
35".
 
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over
35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2
doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
 
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a
night" and "Over 3 times a night".
 
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a
night" and found himself back out on the street.
 
The moral of this story is " If you Always tell the truth and
you'll never get screwed ".
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 03:37:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Views on Life
 
* Life is so very complicated I didn't even start to get a handle 
  on what it's all about until recently.  I'm afraid now though,
  I've forgotten why I wanted to know.
                            - - - - -
 
* The many different types of personalities can be reduced to two:
  People who cause happiness wherever they go... Others, whenever.
                            - - - - -
 
* The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
  they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
                            - - - - -
 
* It seems cheerful people resist disease better than glum ones.
  Or simply put, "The surly bird always catches the germ."
                            - - - - -
 
* We have more food to eat in the US than any other country.
  We also have more diets to keep us from eating than anyone else.
                            - - - - -
 
* When ya think about it, a conscience is a lot like a wife:
  If it can't stop you from doing something,
  it makes you regret it.
                            - - - - -
 
* Household financial matters can be reduced to a single sentence:
  When your outgo exceeds your income,
  your upkeep is your downfall.
                            - - - - -
 
* The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor --
  turn off the sound.
                            - - - - -
 
* Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same
  token, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is
  the same.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 07:26:01 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Texas Joke
 
   Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady
nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and
one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin'
a bad time. I'm agonna go  over there and help." He ran over to the
young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands,
and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
   Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up
her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The
young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of
hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
   The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's
sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 11:21:44 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Relationships <adult>
 
   A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
   "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
   The woman replied, "A billionaire."
               ********************
 
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get to prove it.
               ********************
 
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
               ********************
 
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to
around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of
attention.
               ********************
 
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
               ********************
 
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
               ********************
 
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
               ********************
 
First guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:  "You're  lucky, mine's still alive."
               ********************
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
               ********************
 
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,
"I've found a man just like father!"
 
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 12:08:22 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Multitasking and Chewing Gum
 
New Deal software runs in a preemptive, multithreaded multitasking
environment. But what does that mean? Here's an explanation from
one of the designers of the software.
 
The Walking and Chewing Gum Theory
 
Single-Tasking: You are walking down the street and you decide you
would like to chew gum. You stop, untie your shoes and take them
off, get a pack of gum from your pocket, take out a stick, put it
in your mouth and then chew. When you are done chewing you remove
the gum from your mouth, place it carefully back inside the
wrapper, put it in your pocket, put back on your shoes and then
continue to walk.

Task-Switching: You are walking down the street and you decide you
would like to chew gum. You slip out of your loafers, grab the
piece of gum you have stashed behind your ear for just such an
emergency and chew, chew, chew. When you are done chewing, you
remove the gum from your mouth and quickly place it behind your ear
(making sure, of course, that no one sees you do something so
disgusting), slip back on your loafers and continue walking.
 
Cooperative Multi-tasking: You are walking down the street with gum
in your mouth. Your shoes have been specially designed to release
your brain at the end of every other step. As soon as your brain is
free it notices that you have gum in your mouth. You chew your gum
twice. Your gum then releases its grip on your brain. Your brain
looks around and realizes that you are standing in the middle of a
busy street with your mouth open. You quickly start to walk, hoping
that you will reach the sidewalk before you are hit by a car and
lose your gum. Warning, there may be bugs in your shoes or your
gum. Several users have reported uncontrollable chewing while
standing on one leg.
 
Pre-Emptive Multi-tasking: You are walking down the street and
chewing your gum. Just like the other coordinated human beings.
Little do they know you are really an android: a flesh covered
machine from the future, stalking the streets of the city, looking
for a haircut.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 15:26:57 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: FORE...!!! <adult>
 
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally
gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm
getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in
every way."
 
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he
took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
 
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. They get married, and on
the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This was the first time he
saw them, believe it or not. She says, "You'll be the first, no one
has ever touched these breasts yet."
 
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE !"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 19:09:08 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller Rants about Smoking <Adult Language>
 
>From the book "Ranting Again" by Dennis Miller:

 
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but America's attitude
about smoking has become more hostile than a militia member at a
tax audit. If you walked into a restaurant and loundly demanded
that they serve you a charbroiled live puppy, you'd probably cause
less of an outcry than you would by simply sitting down and
lighting up a smoke.
 
Hey, don't blame the cigarette makers. Tobacco companies are being
sued way too much.  I admit they're evile poison-mongers who give
other evil poison-mongers a bad name.  Yes, they lie about the
addictive nature of their products and get rich by doing it.  But
come on, tell the truth, we knew they were lying all along.  If
you're saying you didn't know cigarettes were bad for you, you're
lying through that hole in your trachea.  Of course it causes lung
cancer.  Of course it causes emphysema.  Its fucking smoke. Would
you build a campfire and every hour stand real close and take deep
breaths?  How could you not know smoking is bad for you?  Is having
teeth the color of caramel corn normal?  Is coughing up your lungs
one smoldering loogie at a time normal?
 
You know, when I find myself in a room where everyone's smoking,
and it gets too intense, you know what I do?  I don't start waving
my hand around and fake coughing; I don't start rattling off heart
disease and lung cancer stats like some autistic surgeon general;
I don't lecture anybody about their lifestyle choices....
I leave the room, okay?  My acceptance of smokers is one of the
compromises, one of the little negotiations that one must make if
one is to live in a modern urban society.  And hey to all you
militant antismokers whom I see screaming at strangers for lighting
up:  If you were that concerned about your lungs, what in the fuck
are you doing living in L.A.?
 
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 4 Aug 1998 18:07:17 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Fast Delivery (Pun)
 
I had a publisher phone this morning saying he wanted a photograph
of me for inclusion with my latest article. Trouble was his
deadline. I tried sending it by Federal Express, because I didn't
trust an electronic transmission to have good quality. But I got
delayed and missed the Federal Express truck. I guess I'll just...
have to face fax.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:51:46 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Case Of The Broken Glass <clean>
 
With Inspector Blake for company and me as host
 
Don't see the answer, guess first or else it won't be
interesting...
 
THE CASE:
Inspector Blake arrived at Mrs Harding's house.
 
"Mrs, Harding?" started the Inspector. "You reported your
husband was murdered?"
 
"Yes Inspector, I'll show you, this way." Mrs Harding led the
Inspector to the study. The Inspector saw a man at the desk. He was
slumped over the desk. The desk faced the window that looked out at
the garden. There was a glass door next to the desk that led
outside. The glass was broken. It looked like someone from the
outside had tried to force their way into the study, and succeeded.
 
The Inspector noticed that from the desk, you could see the main
road and as well as anyone who walked towards the study through the
garden.
 
"Did you touch anything?" asked the Inspector.
 
"No, when i came home, i found him like this, i called the police
right away, i didn't even dare to check if he was still alive."
 
The Inspector pulled the dead man's body backwards. The man was
definitely dead. Shot. There was a tape recorder on the man's lap.
Inspector Blake pressed the "PLAY" button. He could hear a soft
voice talking, almost whispering.
 
"My name is Henry Harding, and i want to tell people my story. 20
years ago, Bad Bob and me committed a bank robbery. Bad Bob got
caught but escaped with the money. I heard that he was released
from prison today. I just know that Bad Bob will come and kill me
for the money.  In fact I am so scared that... Oh no, i see a blue
car park in front of the garden. A man is getting out, it's him,
it's Bad Bob! He's walking towards me through the garden. He
mustn't know i've recorded this message. He's breaking the glass
door with his gun! He..."
 
Suddenly the tape ended. Inspector looked at Mrs Harding for a
moment.
 
"Mrs Harding, when a person whispers into a tape recorder, it is
hard to tell if the person is a man or a woman."
 
"What are you trying to imply, Inspector?" demanded Mrs Harding.
 
"Mrs Harding, It is true that Bad Bob was released from prison
today. It is also true that he was driving a blue car when we last
saw him. In fact his release was broadcast over the TV. Still, I
think you have to come down to the police station with me and
answer some more questions."
 
True enough, after some thorough questioning, Mrs Harding
confessed to killing her husband.
 
How did Inspector Blake know that Mrs Harding was lying?
          =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
 
ANS: ACCORDING TO THE TAPE RECORDING, BAD BOB WAS ALMOST ABOUT TO
     SHOOT MR HARDING WHEN THE TAPE ABRUPTLY ENDED. IF THAT IS SO,
     AND MRS HARDING SAID SHE DIDN'T TOUCH ANYTHING, WHEN DID THE
     DEAD MR HARDING HAVE THE TIME TO REWIND TAPE? REMEMBER, THE
     INSPECTOR BLAKE PRESSED "PLAY" AND IT STARTED PLAYING
     STRAIGHT.  CASE CLOSED.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 5 Aug 1998 01:19:14 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Over Endowed (somewhat of color)
 
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that
it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air
Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The
first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They
discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
 
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the
texture and feel of it.
 
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.
 
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had
tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make
his legs longer?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1998 to 5 Aug 1998
**********************************************
 
