HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1998 to 3 Aug 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Generic Drug Names
  2. Football
  3. call of the wild
  4. What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult)
  5. Sadistic Jokes (sick)
  6. The Merits of a Mistress
  7. <No subject given>
  8. Water, Water!
  9. The Exam (Pun)
 10. If cars were like computers
 
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Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 02:10:24 -0400
From:    Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Generic Drug Names
 
 All Drugs have a generic name.
 Tylenol is Acetaminophen
 Advil is Ibuprofen
 And so on...
 What's the generic name for Viagra?
 
 Mycoxafailin
 
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Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 03:38:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Football
 
* Believe it or not, even though it's still 90-100 degrees in the
  US, football teams are gearing up to start the season. This year,
  the Univ of Maryland is adding another squad to resolve some of
  the problems they had last year.  In addition to offense,
  defense, and special teams, there will be a squad to attend
  classes.
                               - - - - -
 
* Football is supposed to build bodies.  HAH !  I never miss a
  Dallas CowBoy game on TV, and yet I'm still overweight.
                               - - - - -
 
* Some of the biggest players in pro football are the linemen.  In
  fact, they're so big, it only takes 3 of them to make a dozen.
                               - - - - -
 
* At some of the colleges this year, they're trying very hard to
  come up with an institution of which the football team can be
  proud.
                               - - - - -
 
* For those of you who've never seen a football game, eleven men on
  opposing sides try to move a small object a hundred yards.  It's
  about the same as the US Post Office.
                               - - - - -
 
* Football, unlike most other sports, is played regardless of the
  weather.  During one game where it was raining sideways, the team
  that won the toss said they would "Kick off with the tide."
                               - - - - -
 
*   During a Southern Methodist-Notre Dame football game last year,
  the SMU people in Dallas yelled their lungs out.  Nobody rooted
  harder than a Priest.  During a break in the action, a fan seated
  next to him said, "Pardon me Father, but why aren't you cheering 
  for Notre Dame, being a Catholic and all."
    "Son !" replied the Priest, "I'm first and foremost a Texan !"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:29:36 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: call of the wild
 
John Magrich 4, defeated serval dozen grown-ups to win the 1965 Los
Angles County Hog Calling contest.
 
The grown-ups strained with calls like:
 
"Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee,
 Pig, Pig, Pig"
 
or
 
"OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee,
 Pig Pig, Pig, Piggy."
 
John cried. "Here piggy piggy." and 6 pigs walked right up to him.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 10:02:41 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult)
 
   After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how
man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready
to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found
out?" God asked.
   "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are
behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you
name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new
obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the
population is doing it. Even four out  of five dentists recommend
it. I'm afraid that it has reached epidemic proportions.
   "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations
as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
   "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who
engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them
exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not
stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
   "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that
instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward
those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally
signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
 
No?
 
Hmmm... You didn't get the letter either, huh?
 
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Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:04:57 -0400
From:    Filip Razvan Ghitescu <raghitescu@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Sadistic Jokes (sick)
 
- Mommy, can I play with grandpa?
  OK, but it is the last time we'll dig him out
 
- A voice in the dark: Daddy, how far lives granma from here?
 Shut up and keep digging!
 
- Alina, stop playing with the scissors:
  you dropped fingers all over the place!
 
- Mommy, can I eat one of grandpa's ears?
  Not yet, let him boil for five more minutes
 
- Masochist: Beat me, please beat me!!
  Sadist: No way!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 14:20:44 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Merits of a Mistress
 
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill
which comes with the risk of being discovered.
 
The lawyer warns of the difficulties.  It can lead to guilt,
divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it.  Too many problems.
 
The computer scientist says,  "It's the best thing that's ever
happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.  My mistress
thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the
computer!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 22:46:01 +0100
From:    Big Steve <stem@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>
 
     [Mis-sent message deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 19:47:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Water, Water!
 
A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel
raced up and stopped.  An Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and
said, "Would you like to buy a tie?"
 
"No," said the man, "I need water, do you have water?"
 
"No," said the Arab, "but I do have a wonderful selection of ties."
 
He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the
hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel.  He crawled up the
steps, crying "Water! Water!"
 
The Manager approached him and said, "I'm sorry Sir, you can't come
in here without a Tie!!!!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 18:23:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Exam (Pun)
 
The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the
examination materials to the graduating class of the all-male
private school. Her final instructions were "Be sure to hand
everything out very carefully and deliberately." The aide puzzled
over this for a moment but couldn't understand it.
 
He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found
himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the
exam was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the
sheets and began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to
each student as he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game,
but soon he noticed that even the students not involved in the
sport were beginning to breath heavier. As the panting turned into
grunting, he began to be a little nervous and backed toward the
door, staring from side to side as the behavior became more and
more -- the only word he could think of -- primitive.
 
As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to
the last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He
was certain he could see the students physically transforming
before his eyes. With a shout of fright he turned and ran as
quickly as he could to the teachers' lounge.
 
The teacher took one look at him and leapt to her feet. Startled,
he put a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of
beard that certainly hadn't been there that morning.
 
Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her
aide's wrist on the way by. Frantically, they sprinted back to the
classroom.
 
As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The
door had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back
of the missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before,
had been a student with at least a veneer of civilization. They
entered the classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though
choreographed. The destruction was complete: desks smashed into
fragments, blackboards cracked, shredded sheets of the exam
everywhere.
 
She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach.
 
"But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.
 
"You fool, Don't you know what happens to men... when they get too
much test tossed around?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:10:55 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: If cars were like computers
 
Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."
 
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
   1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
   2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
      have to buy a new car.
   3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
      and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
   4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
      cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
      case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5.  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
      bought "Car95" or "CarNT."  But then you would have to buy
      more seats.
  6.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
      reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
      but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  7.  The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
      would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning
      light.
  8.  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9.  The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
 10.  Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
      you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
      lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
      radio antenna.
 11.  GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
      of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
      they neither need them nor want them.  Attempting to delete
      this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
      diminish by 50% or more.  Moreover, GM would become a target
      for investigation by the Justice Department.
 12.  Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
      learn how to drive all over again because none of the
      controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
 13.  You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1998 to 3 Aug 1998
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