HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1998 to 2 Aug 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 233 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Blonde joke
  2. Life in General
  3. More Female Bashing (adult)
  4. How to Write a Graoner (Pun)
  5. 2 Story House <mature>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 22:13:35 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Blonde joke
 
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down
siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
 
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
 
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and
it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
 
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
OTHER side of the house!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 1 Aug 1998 03:39:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in General
 
* It's been my experience those who complain the loudest that they
  don't get everything they deserve should be thankful they don't.
                              - - - - -
 
* Speaking of loudmouths (I was), isn't it a shame that those who
  lose the art of conversation don't also lose the power of speech.
                              - - - - -
 
* Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens some relative,
  friend or neighbor knew it would, and predicated it months ago.
                              - - - - -
 
* In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale;
  behavioral differences are due to their unequal activity.
                              - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr claims that being a woman is a terribly difficult task,
  since it consists principally in dealing with men.
                              - - - - -
 
* Did ya ever notice in the classifieds all of the best jobs, with
  the highest pay, are found in the "situations-wanted" section ?
                              - - - - -
 
* The very best host/hostess are able to make their company feel at
  home, even when they wish they were.
                              - - - - -
 
* Don't despair about aging.  Just remember that with every passing
  birthday, everyone else you know is a year older also.
                              - - - - -
 
* Always stand ready to aid a friend who's in serious trouble.
  They will never forget you.  They'll call every time they're in
  trouble.
                              - - - - -
 
* There are only two classes of people in the world.  The righteous
  and the unrighteous.  The classifying is done by the righteous.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 1 Aug 1998 09:13:37 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: More Female Bashing (adult)
 
    She does not:  GET PMS
    She becomes:  HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
 
    She does not have:  A KILLER BODY
    She is:  TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
 
    She is not:  A BAD COOK
    She is:  MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
    She is not:  A BAD DRIVER
    She is:  AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
 
    She is not:  A PERFECT 10
    She is:  NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
 
    She is not:  EASY
    She is:  HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
 
    She does not:  HATE SPORTS ON TV
    She is:  ATHLETICALLY BIASED
 
    She does not have:  SEXY LIPS
    She is:  COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
 
    She does not get:  DRUNK
    She is:  ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED
 
    You do not ask her:  TO DANCE
    You request:  A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
 
    She is not:  A GOSSIP
    She is a:  VERBAL TERMINATOR
 
    She does not:  WORK OUT TOO MUCH
    She is an:  ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
 
    She does not have a:  GREAT BUTT
    She is:  GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
 
    She is not:  HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
    She is:  MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
 
    She is not:  COLD OR FRIGID
    She is:  THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
 
    She does not:  WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
    She is:  COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
 
    She does not have:  GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
    Her breasts are:  CENTRALLY LOCATED
 
    She will never:  GAIN WEIGHT
    She will become:  A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
 
    She is not:  A SCREAMER OR MOANER
    She is:  VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
 
    She does not:  SHAVE HER LEGS
    She experiences:  TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
 
    She does not have:  A HARD BODY
    She is:  ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
 
    She does not:  SUN BATHE
    She experiences:  SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
 
    Her breasts will never:  SAG
    They will:  LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
 
    She does not:  SHOP TOO MUCH
    She is:  OVERLY SUCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
 
    She does not:  CUT YOU OFF
    She becomes:  HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
 
    She does not have:  BIG HAIR
    She is:  OVERLY AEROSOLED
 
    She does not:  SNORE
    She is:  NASALLY REPETITIVE
 
    She does not:  GET DRUNK
    She becomes:  VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
 
    She does not have:  BIG HOOTERS
    Her:  CUPS RUNNETH OVER
 
    She is not:  TOO SKINNY
    She is:  SKELETALLY PROMINENT
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 1 Aug 1998 17:43:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: How to Write a Graoner (Pun)
 
You too can write puns. Here is how you do it in one easy lesson:

 
Ranch furnishing in the sage brush country is informal and
haphazard. For instance, picture a kitchen with a wood range for
cooking and as well, there is a second, older stove, rusting and
decrepit, no longer useful except as a table. On top of it sits a
squat ice refrigerator to keep the ranch fruit and milk cool during
the hot summer. It also holds some beer.
 
Got the scene? The door opens and in comes Cactus, one of the
hands. He reaches into the old refrigerator for a beer, holds it
down on the top to uncap it, the froth bubbles up and flows down
the cold bottle and from there it drips on to the old stove.
 
Thus there will be...
foam on the range where the beer and the cantaloupe stay....
 
Now, you try! 
 
(By Himie Koshevoy)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 1 Aug 1998 23:14:51 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Story House <mature>
 
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.  The
judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me
why you are seeking a divorce."
 
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
 
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big
deal about a two-story house?"
 
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and
the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1998 to 2 Aug 1998
**********************************************
 
