HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1998 to 1 Aug 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 408 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Missionary (Pun)
  2. Gambling
  3. Female bashing (adult & off. to women)
  4. Punctuation
  5. Equal-opportunity political humor [Adult]
  6. Spiritualism and Reincarnation
  7. Spearshake
  8. PENNY FOR UR THOUGHTS
  9. Dennis Miller Rants about Mothers <adult language>
 10. A mangled dangler (sexual innuendo)
 11. The Contract (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 00:26:39 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Missionary (Pun)
 
A missionary bishop had a diocese of numerous islands in the South
Pacific. The largest island remained outside his see because the
natives were under the influence of a fanatic sect. The island king
felt so strongly about it he declared that if the bishop ever
landed on his shore, he would have him for dinner.
 
At the same time, the cannibal king was not so primitive he did not
know the value of education and thus his son was even then at
Oxford studying Shakespeare and becoming aware that even bishops
were inedible,
 
The king died and the son went home to be crowned. As part of his
inauguration the young king invited the bishop to come to his
island when he would present him with a certificate personally,
permitting the bishop to establish a mission there.
 
When the bishop's party waded ashore it was met by the new monarch,
surrounded by his warriors. Nervously, an arch deacon in the
bishop's group said, "I hope you don't intend to roast our bishop."
 
"No, no, no," his majesty said... "I come to bear his see, sir, not
to braise him."
                    -By Himie Koshevoy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 03:42:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gambling
 
No one can tell me the Internet's not educational.  So far, I've
learned that Spanish is not the official language of Brazil and
now, thanks to 57 kind souls, I know there are only 36 numbers
on a roulette wheel.  I thought I'd better brush-up on gambling:
 
* The closest mecca of chance to me is Atlantic City.  People
  used to go there to get tanned -- now they go to get faded.
 
* A compulsive gambler I know took a 9 to 5 job in Atlantic City.
  He didn't like the work so much, but the odds were pretty good.

 
* A manhole cover blew off and rose into the air.  As it was still
  airborne, a fellow yells, "Two to one it's heads".
 
* If you've never been to Atlantic City, you can gamble just about
  anywhere in the city.  One young lady went to a laundromat and
  lost all her clothes.
 
* But gambling is not confined to a particular city -- it's all
  over.  I used to work with a fellow who only made mental bets.
  He ended up losing his mind.
 
* At Boulder Dam, near Las Vegas, they recently installed slot
  machines.  Fellow hit the jackpot the other day and won ten
  million gallons of water.
 
*   Fellow in Las vegas was winning big at the roulette table.
  He told his wife, "Tonite, you sleep with a rich man."  Before
  long though, he had lost everything.
    As they left the casino, his wife said, "Am I to go to this
  rich guy's room, or is he coming to ours ?"
 
*   Cards are big in small towns all over the country.  A fellow
  arrived home at dawn and was greeted by his wife: "Don't you
  dare come home at this hour & tell me you've been up all nite
  with a sick friend holding his hand."
    The husband sadly shook his head and replied, "If I'd have
  been holding his hand, I'd be a LOT richer right now."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 06:50:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Female bashing (adult & off. to women)
 
 Q.   Why did God give men penises ?
 A.   So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
 
 Q.   What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
 A.   You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
 
 Q.   How is a woman like a laxative?
 A.   They both irritate the shit out of you.
 
 Q.   What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
 A.   Its Braille for "suck here".
 
 Q.   Why do men die before their wives?
 A.   They want to.
 
 Q.   Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
 A.    He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
 
 Q.   What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
 A.   Lipstick.
 
 Q.   Why do women have tits?
 A.   So men will talk to them.
 
 Q.   What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
 A.   You  come in one and go in the other.
 
 Q.   Why do women close their eyes during sex?
 A.   They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
 
 Q.   What's 6 inches long and two inches wide & drives women wild?
 A.   Money.
 
 Q.   Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian
      Gulf?
 A.   They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
 
 Q.   Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
 A.   When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they
      take your house and car with them.
 
 Q.   What's the difference between your wife and your job?
 A.   After 5 years your job will still suck.
 
 Q.   What's the best thing about a blow job?
 A.   Ten minutes of silence.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 08:40:02 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Re: Punctuation
 
punctuate the following sentence correctly:
 
john where james had had had had had had had had had had had a
better effect on the teacher.
 
Answer:
 
John, where James had had "had," had had "had had."  "Had had" had
had a better effect on the teacher.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 08:59:57 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Equal-opportunity political humor [Adult]
 
[Thanks to JokeMaster, Sally Miller (#1) and Curtis Mann (#2)]
 
                       MMMMM... MMMMMM... GOOD
 
A man entered a tee shirt store which had three shirts on display.
 
The first had a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache.
It contained the words:  Got Milk?
 
The next shirt had a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache.
It read: Forgot milk.
 
The last had a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache.
It said:  Not Milk!
                    =====================
 
                     REPUBLICANS SCREWING
 
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four hundred and sixty-two:
 
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the
old bulb
 
twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry
 
sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D
 
thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs
 
fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the
bulb
 
forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear
instead,
 
and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to
discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything), on the Internet.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 14:14:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Spiritualism and Reincarnation
 
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that
if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner
in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
 
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a
car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him
in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.  At a seance, she called
out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"
 
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can
hear you."
 
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"
 
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine
most of the time."
 
"What do you do all day?"
 
"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast,
then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two
and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it
again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."
 
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is
like?"
 
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
 
"Then, where are you?"
 
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 14:19:29 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spearshake
 
Starkle Starkle little twink - who da heck you are you think
 
I'm not under the alcafluence of inkahol although some thinkle peep
I am
 
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me the drunker I sit here the
longer I get
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 17:12:22 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: PENNY FOR UR THOUGHTS
 
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.  As he stood looking down at the sleeping
infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:  disbelief,
doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
 
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
 
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
 
"It's amazing!" he replied.  "I just can't see how anybody can make
a crib like that for only $46.50."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 21:06:22 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller Rants about Mothers <adult language>
 
When you're a kid, basically your mother's job is to make you look
like a dork.  The mittens pinned to your jacket, the Elmer Fudd
earflap hat, the rubber boots with the Wonder bread bags over your
feet, and of course the piece de resistance, the snow pants.
There's an outfit that just screams, "Beat the shit out of me and
take my lunch money."
 
And why did Mom insist on cutting my hair herself until I was
fourteen? She had a home haircut kit that looked like Mengle's
briefcase and the barber skills of Dr. Leatherface brandishing a
flowbee. All right. She'd finish and say, "Well, how does that
look?"  I'd say, "Yeah. Looks good, Mom, because in case my school
does a stage production of Sling Blade, this haircut makes me look
like Karl's stupider friend who couldn't get laid with Brad Pitt's
dick.  All right.  Now, where's my snow pants, I have to ride that
girl's bike you bought me past the tough kids to my panio lesson."
 
There's a very good explanation for why cult leaders force members
to cut off all contact with their families.  Because they know that
their spell will be broken and all the mind control will disappear
the instant you hear your mother saying: "And I suppose that just
because your new friends are having themselves castrated so they
can go on the spaceship, you have to do it, too, right?"
 
The relationship between mothers and children never changes, and
that's because no matter how rich or powerful you are, your mother
still remembers when you were three and put Spaghetti Os up your
nose.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 20:59:14 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A mangled dangler (sexual innuendo)
 
 ==this is from someone copyediting a book yet to be published==
 
      To: Copy Editors and Editing <COPYEDITING-L@cornell.edu>
 Subject: CHAT: A dangler that's *gotta* hurt
 
At the risk of being accused of propagating material unsuitable for
minors, I simply must share the most impressive dangler I've found
to date:
 
"Slowly he drew her breeches down, kissing her belly button,
nuzzling the soft curls between her thighs as he pulled them loose
and cast them aside."
 
OUCH!!  I imagine the romantic mood ended shortly thereafter.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 31 Jul 1998 20:31:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Contract (Pun)
 
The Movie: A Day At The Races: The scene: After Groucho Marx has
crossed out most of the sections of a proposed contract... "party
of the first part, nah, we don't need that."
 
Chico: "And what's a that."
 
Groucho: "Oh, that's a standard clause. We need this one. It says
that if one of the parties isn't legally sane, then the contract is
void. It's the sanity clause."
 
Chico: "Ahh, you canna foola me... I know there's no sanity clause"
 
               -By Davida Chasen
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1998 to 1 Aug 1998
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