HUMOR Digest - 29 Jul 1998 to 30 Jul 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 281 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. BARBER SHOP antics(adult)
  2. How's that Again ???
  3. Scarry Woman (Pun)
  4. alcohol warnings (contains offensive language)
  5. How's Yours? (adult)
  6. Just a small one
  7. Punctuation
  8. Blonde Kidnapper
  9. FATHER KNOWS BEST(Adult Offensive)
 10. First Time <adult>
 
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Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 01:24:25 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BARBER SHOP antics(adult)
 
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and
said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."  The barber began to
lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most
beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to
shine his shoes.
 
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some
time in a hotel room."
 
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
 
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you
the difference."
 
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 03:09:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: How's that Again ???
 
*   Glenelg is such a small community, I was surprised that they
  had a community paper.  I asked one old-timer about it.
    He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we
  like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Dominique Dawes, an Olympic Gymnastics Champion, once came
  down with the flu.  The doctor recommended complete bed rest
  as she had a very high fever.  "How high is it ?" she asked.
    The doctor replied, "Well... Ms Dawes, I'm afraid right now,
  it's 103."
    "What's the world record ???" she shot back quickly.
                             - - - - -
 
*   A neighbor of mine had 3 functioning windmills when we moved
  here.  I noticed prior to winter she had taken 2 of them down
  though.  The next time I saw her, I said, "Mrs Musgrove, what
  happened to your other windmills ?"
    She said, "Well...  there was barely enough wind for them to
  function properly, so we took two of them down."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An engineer was stuck and knocked down by a hit-and-run driver.
  The police arrived & asked the man if he had gotten the driver's
  license plate number.
    "Not exactly." he replied. "But I did notice if it were doubled
  and then multiplied by itself, the square root of the product was
  the same as the original numbers, only with the integers
  reversed."
                           - - - - -
 
*   As the first McDonald's opened near us, most of the old-timers
  were not used to the pace of the service.  My one neighbor, Mrs.
  Musgrove, stood at the register, and counted the change from her
  purchase 3 times.
    "What's the matter Miss ?" asked the clerk. "Isn't your change
  correct ?"
    "Yes, it's correct..." she sniffed, "but just barely !"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 00:55:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Scarry Woman (Pun)
 
Jack the Ripper's grandmother had a minor behavioral problem of her
own. Armed with a switchblade, she attacked visitors to a London
public lavatory. Terrified citizens called her... the old woman who
shivved in a loo.
 
          -By Albert G. Miller
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 06:46:11 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: alcohol warnings (contains offensive language)
 
The FDA is considering putting additional warnings on beer and
alcohol such as:
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an asshole.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
morning.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your pants.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name
you can't remember)
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Chuck.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
 
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 06:58:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How's Yours? (adult)
 
Debby and Sue meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't
seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each
other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their
children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
 
Debby says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no
big adventure, how's yours?"
 
Sue replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Debby
is aghast.
 
"Really Sue, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.
 
"Oh, sure," says Sue... "he snores while I masturbate."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 20:05:36 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Just a small one
 
What do you call a fly without wings?
 
.klaw A
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 17:40:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Punctuation
 
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate
it correctly.
 
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
 
The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 17:39:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Blonde Kidnapper
 
     ***** Warning: May be offensive to blondes *****
 
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid for ransom. She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've
kidnapped you."
 
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show it to his parents.
 
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and
found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow blonde?"
 
          -From: Michael DeBusk
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 30 Jul 1998 00:40:36 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: FATHER KNOWS BEST(Adult Offensive)
 
One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs
to take a bathroom break.  The problem is that the confessional
line is too long.  In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor
over and asks the janitor to take over for a few minutes. "But I
won't know what to say." exclaims the janitor.
 
"You've been to confession, so you know how it works.  Besides
there is a list of sins and penances taped inside the booth."
Priest leave to relieve himself and janitor hears the first sinner.
 
"Father forgive me, for I have sinned.  I gave a man a blow job."
The flustered janitor cannot find blow jobs, fellatio, or oral sex
on the penance sheet.  Janitor motions over altar boy and asks,
"What does Father generally give for a blow job?"
 
Altar boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 30 Jul 1998 11:33:19 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: First Time <adult>
 
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.  One day, she
went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating
dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While
they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating.
She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything
like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
 
He says "They're making love."
 
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.
 
"Oh, uh, thats his rope" he answered.
 
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask.
He says "Those are his knots"
 
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it." As they continue their stroll, they
come to a barn and go in.  She looks at him and says, "I want you
to make love to me the way those animals were."
 
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all
hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
 
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
 
The girl innocently (??) replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll
get more rope."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jul 1998 to 30 Jul 1998
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