HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1998 to 29 Jul 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 445 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Kids
  2. cross-dressing (Adult)
  3. Maybe offensive to clergy
  4. The Top Oxymorons
  5. TRADITION(Jewish Humor)
  6. The Height of All Emotions <adult>
  7. Free Money
  8. Hamlet's Cat
  9. Three Wishes
 10. Random thought (from the radio)
 11. child's mind, number Two
 12. PJs <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 03:04:28 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Kids
 
* During a lesson on the growing of plants, one small boy asked,
  "Do you have to plant two seeds together to get a flower ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* 1st boy: "My Father can beat-up your Father."
  2nd boy: "Big deal !!!  So can my Mother."
                           - - - - -
 
* One small boy to another: "That tongue twister you taught me
  got me a one-hour 'time-out' in the corner."
                           - - - - -
 
* During a lesson in Biology, one girl whispered to another,
  "You know, I think the most frightening thing about heredity
  and environment is that our parents provide both."
                           - - - - -
 
* A Father asked his 5-year-old son just what he thought he did
  to earn a weekly allowance. "Well, for one thing," replied the
  lad, "I keep your wife occupied all day."
                           - - - - -
 
* I don't know... maybe there's hope for the younger generation
  after all.  A lil' girl in one of those "progressive" schools
  located in Columbia Maryland asked the teacher, "Do we HAVE to
  do just as we want all day ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Hoping for some insight into her students, the new teacher in
  a Catholic School asked her students if they could somehow be a
  Saint, which one would it be.  One lil' girl answered: "Oh !!!
  I'd much rather be a martyr."
    "For goodness sake." replied the surprised teacher.  "Why ever
  would you say a thing like that ?"
    "Well, for one thing," the girl continued, "you only have to be
  a martyr once."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 00:29:39 -0700
From:    "Roger E. Taranto" <rog@TSOFT.COM>
Subject: cross-dressing (Adult)
 
Two guys are changing in the locker room at the gym, and one
of them notices that the other one is wearing a bra and panties.
"Hey, Joe, how long have you been wearing women's underwear?"
 
"Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 06:44:30 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Maybe offensive to clergy
 
A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
 
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad.  "We're just
seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
 
"Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked.
When I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
 
The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty
much in unison,
 
"You win, Pastor!"
 
          -from the Religious Humor List in Buffalo)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 06:59:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Top Oxymorons
 
 Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
 
        #20  Found missing
        #19  Resident alien
        #18  Airline food
        #17  Same difference
        #16  Government organization
        #15  Sanitary landfill
        #14  Alone together
        #13  Business ethics
        #12  Sweet sorrow
        #11  Military intelligence
        #10  Plastic glasses
         #9  Terribly pleased
         #8  Definite Maybe
         #7  Pretty Ugly
         #6  Computer Security
         #5  Political science
         #4  Diet ice cream
         #3  Working vacation
         #2  Exact estimate
         #1  Microsoft Works
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 09:21:17 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: TRADITION(Jewish Humor)
 
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those
standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones
sitting to stand up...
 
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't
know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a
housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of
their temple.  The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to
tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the
nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation.
 
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered,
"No, that is not the tradition."
 
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during
Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
 
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or
stand..."  The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our
tradition!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 11:04:11 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The Height of All Emotions <adult>
 
Height of patience :
    A naked woman lying down with her
    legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration:
    A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
    A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment:
    Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness:
    A guy lying on a girl and waiting
    for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
    A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
    Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
    While wiping after a good toilet dump,
    your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology:
    Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble:
    A one handed man hanging from
    a cliff and his ass itching.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 09:56:18 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Free Money
 
I don't normally pay any attention to these...  But this one
sounded too important to ignore, so I'm passing it on.
 
There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet.
If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free
Money," DO NOT read the message.  DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG
your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic
waste disposal INCINERATOR.
 
Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE.  Your computer
will begin to emit a vile ODOR.  Then it will secrete a foul, milky
DISCHARGE.  Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-
shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted
attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike.
After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will
punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night,
HOWLING like a BANSHEE.  Once free, it will spend the rest of its
days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.
 
Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down,
good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own
sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail
entitled "Free Money."  What is so terrifying about this virus is
that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate.
In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail.  You do not
even need to OWN a COMPUTER.  "Free Money" can infect even minor
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
 
How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of
some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS
situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.
 
So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim
to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do
it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 11:08:09 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Hamlet's Cat
 
        Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

 To go outside, and there perchance to stay
 Or to remain within: that is the question:
 Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
 The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
 That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
 Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
 And so by dozing melt the solid hours
 That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
 And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
 Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
 A wish to venture forth without delay,
 Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
 As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
 To choose not knowing when we may once more
 Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
 For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
 Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
 And going out and coming in were made
 As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
 What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
 The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
 The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
 The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
 That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
 He might his exodus or entrance make
 With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
 Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
 But that the dread of our unheeded cries
 And scratches at a barricaded door
 No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
 And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
 Than run away to unguessed miseries?
 Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
 And thus the bristling hair of resolution
 Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
 And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
 We pause upon the threshold of decision.
 
          -Thanks to Lauren Wahl and T Gorca
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 17:44:15 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Three Wishes
 
   This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or
so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a
genie appeared.
   This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the
lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
   "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.
   The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him
to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from
inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest
man in the world.
   "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than
Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
   "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red,
on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an
automobile."
   "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best
car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks
the guy for his third wish.
   The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with
billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick
magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason
not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
   "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I
save the third wish for later."
   "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't
escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when
you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
   The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and
places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the
radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments
needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
   After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the
Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The
Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to
sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
   "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 19:50:01 EDT
From:    Kristina Jansen <KTCJRCA@AOL.COM>
Subject: Random thought (from the radio)
 
If Atheists don't belive in God...
 
...can they get insured for an act of god?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 03:06:55 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: child's mind, number Two
 
A joke posted by David Beam reminded me of another;

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a
baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.  When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
5-year-old child.
 
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
 
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath.
 
No sooner had he done this when another baby pops out, Then
another, and yet another. At this time the little boy blows out the
lamp.
 
The doctor yells what did you do that for? The lights attracting
them he replied.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 29 Jul 1998 09:35:41 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: PJs <clean>
 
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a
wrong place and shouts "Why are you crossing here? Can't you
see a zebra crossing there".
 
The guy replies "Let the zebra cross. What can I do"
          ------------------------------
 
Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of a
board which said  "FINE FOR PARKING"
          ------------------------------
 
A drunk was hauled into court.  "Mister," the judge began,
you've been brought here for drinking."
 
"Great," the drunk exclaimed.  "When do we get started?"
          ------------------------------
 
A policeman spotted a woman driving  and knitting at
the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
 
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
          ------------------------------
 
"So you're writing a down-to-earth story?"
 
"Yes, about a parachute jumper."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jul 1998 to 29 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
