HUMOR Digest - 27 Jul 1998 to 28 Jul 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 433 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Salesmen <some innuendo>
  2. Love Letters:Romeo to Juliet <clean>
  3. Spice Girls <off. to Posh spice - adult>
  4. Dirty Things
  5. Little Kids These Days!
  6. OurFirstTime.com <adult>
  7. Today's Youth Vs. Yesterday's Technology
  8. Flying Lessons <blonde joke>
  9. Love Letters:Juliet to Romeo <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 03:37:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Salesmen <some innuendo>
 
* Perfume saleslady to customer: "Just a word of advice.  Don't
  put this stuff on if you're not really serious about the guy."
                           - - - - -
 
* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest
  with their customers.  It's usually a condition of their parole.
                           - - - - -
 
* A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife
  feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
                           - - - - -
 
* Only a salesman can make a customer think he is really absorbed
  by a customer's needs and at the same time calculate how much of
  a commission he can make out of the deal.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The salesman's knock was answered by a beautiful young woman
  in a rather revealing nitegown.  "Oh, good morning Madam." said
  the salesman, after he was able to breathe again.  "Would your
  husband be at home ?"
    "No, he's not." she replied.  "He's out of town on business all
  week this week."
    "Oh... I see." the salesman replied, taking another long look.
  "Well... may I come in and wait ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A woman was shopping in a computer discount store.  She was
  looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked
  over and she asked why the obsolote models were all so expensive.
    He replied, "Well... all of those models are very scarce Miss,
  you're lucky we even have any in stock."
    "Scarce ???" she said, her voice rising. "Why just today the
  paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock."
    "Exactly right." the salesman smiled. "There's such a big
  supply and so little demand, it doesn't pay to ship them."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 13:29:11 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Love Letters:Romeo to Juliet <clean>
 
                      THE 'NEW AGE' LOVE LETTER
 
Dearest  Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with
you since the 14th of October (Sunday).  With reference to the
meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would
like to present myself as a prospective lover.Our love affair would
be on probation for a period of three months and depending on
compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion
of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and
performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to
spouse.
 
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially
be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I
might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-
minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I
request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without
further notice and I shall be considering someone else.I would be
happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do
not wish to take up this offer.
 
        Thanking you in anticipation,
          Yours sincerely,
          Mr. Romeo
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 11:38:37 +0100
From:    Richard Russell <rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Spice Girls <off. to Posh spice - adult>
 
Q: What is the similarity between David Beckham and Fererro Rochet
   Chocolates?
 
A: They both come in a posh box!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 08:27:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dirty Things
 
 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't...

10. I need to whip it out by 5 o'clock
 9  Mind if I use your laptop?
 8. Just stick it in my box
 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
 5. HMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid
 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish
 3. It's any entry-level position
 2. When you do think you'll be getting off today?
 
     And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't...
 
 1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there!
               -----------------------
 
 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't...
 
10. Nuts... my shaft is bent
 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
 8. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
 7. Look at the size of his putter
 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
 2. Nice strokes, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
 
      And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't...
 
 1.  Hold up... I need to wash my balls first
               ----------------------- 
 
 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...
 
10. Have you looked through her briefs
 9. He is one hard judge
 8. Counselor, let's do it in the chambers
 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
 6. Is it a penal offense?
 5. Better leave the handcuffs on
 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good
 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could
 
     And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't...
 
 1. Think you can get me off?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 10:27:11 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Little Kids These Days!
 
Just before we ate, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and
said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
 
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
 
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
 
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did
I invite all these people to dinner?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 13:12:36 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Re: OurFirstTime.com <adult>
 
I received this from a list of a different sort this weekend,
 
Just a few of the sites which have recently launched
or can be looked forward to in the coming weeks...
 
- In a break with tradition The Christian Coalition intend
  to announce that women are equal at:
      http://www.ourfirstbrushwithreality.com
 
- One site has been delayed due to technical difficulties, but as
  soon as all the equipment has been waterproofed we will see:
      http://www.ourfirstgoldenshower.com
 
- http://ourfirstabomb.india.gov was swiftly countered by
  http://ourfirstabomb.pakistan.gov, followed by
  http://oursecondabomb.india.gov etc.
 
- One well known ISP has just announced
      http://ourfirstintelligentuser.aol.com
 
- Microsoft has a site devoted to Solitaire at
  http://ourfirstbug-freeprogram.msn.com, and the equally popular
  Minesweeper site is at http://ourotherbug-freeprogram.msn.com
 
- Following the phenomenal success of http://www.ourfirstswap.com
  Diane and Mike will set up http://www.ourfirststd.com
 
- An octogenarian couple have scheduled a December date for
  http://www.ourlasttime.com, and another couple can't decide
  between May and December for http://www.hislasttime.com
 
Source: http://www.catweasel.org
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Unfortunately, a listmember took the post a little too seriously,
and brought a whole lot of attention to himself, and some very
funny addendums by the rest of the list...
 
     > In a break with tradition The Christian Coalition
     > intend to announce that women are equal at:
     > http://www.ourfirstbrushwithreality.com
 
There's something wrong with this and the following sites.
I couldn't connect with any of them.     -- Troy G
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
               And some replies:
 
* Bwahahahaha Firing up the autoclave... Don't know why, Troy, I
  got to them just fine.             --Janni
* On the first pass, it did appear to be a juicy worm, but closer
  inspection revealed a treble hook.     --Steve D
* Ya see here, It's a joke, son j-o-k-e joke.  He's pulling yer
  leg, just havin' a little bit of fun here.  Ya gotta lighten up,
  boy, getcherself a sense of humor - say it with me now - it's all
  in jest, completely off the wall, not serious at all, a joke.
               -FoghornLeghorn
* At LEAST put the silly little "winky" at the end...
             --DaveD
* The sites are fine, but I think your reality check has bounced.
             --Catweasel
* Hey, Dave, hey psssssssst....over here, yeah, in this corner...
  come 'ere, I have something for you... Naw, don't worry, it isn't
  a brush... Jes' a lil' ol' whip I found... Now take off your
  shirt... that's it WHAP... SMACK... Get it yet????... WHAP!!!! No
  winkies either    --Janni passes the whip to catweasel
* Hey you guys!  You should be easier on Troy - it didn't work for
  me either!  I tried all of 'em, and they just don't work.
  Say... any of you folks have that address for the Tooth Fairy? I
  had a tooth removed, and that bitch STILL hasn't paid up!
           -- Bob W
* Sorry, Bob, I left one out.
  http://www.thetoothfairy.com/myfirstholiday.html
  will explain what happened to your money.         --Catweasel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 17:08:08 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Today's Youth Vs. Yesterday's Technology
 
My frighteningly close to 16-year-old daughter volunteers as an
audio engineer for a local radio station.  Every Sunday evening she
helps out with 3-hour folk show which has both live sets and
recordings.  Most of the stuff that they play is on CDs, but they
do have a few of them old- fangled 33 1/3 rpm vinyl LPs.
 
When my daughter was learning to operate the equipment for the
recorded sets one of the other engineers picked up an LP and asked
her if she'd ever seen one before.
 
"Oh sure," she replied, "My folks have lots of them."
 
"Did you, yourself, ever play one of these?" he inquired, mustering
up all the irony possible for a thirty-something.
 
"No, I haven't."
 
He had to think on that one for a spell.
 
Last night I made it to the show.  In the middle of one of the
recorded sets I went up to the equipment area to watch my daughter
at work.  She sat there deftly mixing tape commercials, live
announcements and CDs.  I noticed that there was an LP on the lone
turntable and the needle was already sitting on it.
 
"Did you cue this up all by yourself?" I asked, with no small
amount of pride.
 
"Sure," she said.
 
I was most impressed!  A studio turntable is different from the
ones we used to have at home.  You also want it to start exactly
when you want it to start, not whenever the needle happens to find
the little markings on the groove. Moreover, you don't want the
music to "wow" as you start it.  To insure all of this on a studio
turntable you first set down the needle and then spin the turntable
manually until you hit the first notes.  You then have to back off
a bit so that the thing will be up to speed when it hits the notes.
This isn't all that complicated, but I was never able to get it
just right in my engineering days.  As I said, I was most
impressed.
 
Having called my daughter's attention to the turntable, she gave it
a final once over before getting ready to start the next song.
Besides the Start button the turntable also had two speed buttons:
one for 33 1/3 and one for 45 rpm.  I could see that my daughter
was studying these carefully. I noted that the 33 1/3 button was
lit.
 
Suddenly my daughter ripped off her headphones and yelled over to
her boss. "Hey, Phil,"  she said, "Is this thing supposed to be 33
or 45?"
 
"33," he replied.
 
I stifled a chuckle as I went back to my seat.
 
"Yep," I thought, " this is oldfangled stuff to the youth of
today."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 27 Jul 1998 23:21:31 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Flying Lessons <blonde joke>
 
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to
fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner
agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by
radio.
 
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics, and sent her on her way.
 
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.  "I'm doing great!
I love it!  The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
 
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming
to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was
beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
 
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half
a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he
asked what happened, she said: "I don't know!  Everything was going
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't
remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 28 Jul 1998 09:44:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Love Letters:Juliet to Romeo <clean>
 
                    THE 'NEW AGE' LOVE LETTER
 
Modern reply to modern dating
Attn: Mr Romeo
 
Dear Sir,
 
Please refer to your letter dated yesterday.
 
I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal
for romance. However, you should  be informed that there are
certain conditions of acceptance.Promotional prospects are to my
satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement
benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured
that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment.
If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent
disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary
compensation according to union standards.Due to the nature of my
position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should
be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be
entertaining. If you are still interested in the relationship,
please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have
sent indications of interest.Please also note that my sister is
happily employed.
 
         Yours perhaps,
         Juliet
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jul 1998 to 28 Jul 1998
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