HUMOR Digest - 26 Jul 1998 to 27 Jul 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 360 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. The Top Internet Hoaxes
  3. THE HELPFUL TEACHER(adult)
  4. Mermaid  <adult>
  5. The Brown-Haired Blonde
  6. Webster's Windows95 Definition (Offensive to microsoft)
 
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Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 02:33:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report.  This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to
all of the HumorList subscribers once a month.
 
Just a reminder that each Traffic Report contains a summary of
the rules and the most widely used ListServer commands.
 
                                        JimJr
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           Traffic Report for HUMOR, 19 July 1998 - 25 July 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 19  Sunday           15        8       14        9        8
 20  Monday           16       12        5       15 *     11
 21  Tuesday          17       11        9       17       11
 22  Wednesday        12       12       12       13       10
 23  Thursday          9       17        8       11       14
 24  Friday           13        6       10       13       11
 25  Saturday          9        6        6       10        8
 
   (Average)          13       10        9       13       10
 
Subscriptions      9,905    8,080    8,007    7,895    7,858
Countries            100      108      108      109      109
Contributors         800      633      612      608      605
 
* Note: Three Digests were sent out on July 13th
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus,
Belgium, Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei,
Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica,
Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,  Dominican
Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal
Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany,
Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary,  Iceland,  India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan,
Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Liechtenstein,
Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New
Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Peru,
Philippines,  Poland,  Portugal,  Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi
Arabia,  Scotland,  Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa,
Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand,
Tanzania,  Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda,  Ukraine,
United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Wales, Zambia,
Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 109
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement)
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HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)
 
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive
 
One contribution per day
 
Please cite source or copyright (if known) where applicable
 
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, responses, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions
Comments, witty retorts (etc) go to the poster, not the List
Questions/Requests are not appropriate postings
 
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
 
Avoid unnecessary blank lines; No ASCII art or graphics
 
Signature files added by an e-mail service are unavoidable;
sig files added by the poster, unless dealing directly with
humor & provided for information, are unnecessary
 
Promoting non-Humor URLs is not consistent with a Humor List
 
Soliciting subscribers for another Humor List must be approved
in advance, and a reciprocal agreement arranged
 
Any and all forms of advertising/promotion are strictly prohibited
 
        A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended
 
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To Subscribe to the Humor List:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
 
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           to become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR               to check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR             to leave the main list (unsubscribe)
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P           to leave the contributor's list
   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          to stop all mail for a temporary
                             period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            to receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          to get daily collections of humor
                             (default)
 
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To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects
subscribers and sends an e-mail which you may be asked to respond
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Archived Files: [original text compressed to zip format]
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
Last month's UGA Humor Digests may also be downloaded from:
     http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
 
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And now for a contribution of humor:
 
When we first moved to Howard County, I enjoyed scouting the area.
One day I came upon a farmer and his pretty daughter selling wares
from their farm at a roadside stand.  I stopped, bought some
produce, and introduced myself.
 
The farmer introduced himself as one of the Warfields, then the
young lady said, "Nice to meet you, I'm Amalysinita."  I said,
"Isn't that a rather long name for such a pretty lil' girl ?"
 
The farmer scowling replied, "Listen son.  We're not city folk.
We got the time."
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 09:50:14 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Top Internet Hoaxes
 
14> The DOTCam -- Live webcast of your local Department of
    Transportation guys actually working for the first time.

13> "You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this
    little test!"
 
12> Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the
    Internet.
 
11> Rosie O'Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys -- for
    dinner!
 
10> "Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the
     Internet!"
 
 9> Discovery of Adolph Hitler's long-lost Netscape bookmarks
 
 8> The V2K bug. Every morning, another friggin' Viagra joke on
    your monitor.
 
 7> "Our First A-Bomb" <http://www.abomb.india.gov>
 
 6> TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop
    the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
 
 5> www.ourfirstherpes.com
 
 4> Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey "Sunshine"
    Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on
    July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.
 
 3> The Drudge Report
 
 2> Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which
    will be dominated by intelligence and logic.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Other Internet Hoax.........
 
 1> The Church of Scientology refund website
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 08:58:14 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE HELPFUL TEACHER(adult)
 
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During
the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other.
 
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the
little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she
couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an
elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in the fifth," she
said.
 
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 10:29:46 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mermaid  <adult>
 
One day, this guy walks into his local bar and looks around.  He
notices that there is someone he doesn't know in the bar.  A very
smartly dressed naval officer.  The strange thing about him though
is that his head is the size of an orange!
 
Not being able to let this pass, he walks up to the officer and
asks if he can have a seat.  The officer replies "Sure".  The guy
asks the officer why his head is so small and the story he gets is
as follows:
 
I was out at sea on a mission when my vessel was hit by a massive
storm and sank.  Luckily I was able to grab some driftwood to float
on and ended up being washed ashore a desert island.  Didn't know
what to do! Anyway, I heard a crying from the rocks by the shore
and went to investigate and found a mermaid there with her tail
stuck under a rock. So I picked her up and carried her to the
water.
 
She was so grateful she granted me three wishes.
 
My first wish of course was to get off the island, which she said
she'd grant me after the other two.
 
My second wish was to be the richest man in the world.  So she
covered the island with chests of diamonds and money and gold and
all the wealth I could imagine.
 
Well, being a hot blooded kind of guy and not having seen the
opposite sex for a LONG time, I wished as my third wish for the
mermaid to have sex with me.  She told me I'd have to wish for
something else because she was half fish and wasn't designed for
it.  So I then said to her...  well, how about a little head then?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 14:38:10 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Brown-Haired Blonde
 
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life.  She cut her
hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do
random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.
 
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who
was trying to get his sheep across the road.  She stopped her car
and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good
deed.
 
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"Your sheep are so cute.  If I guess how many there are, could I
have one?"
 
The farmer thought it would be impossible and told the blonde,
"Yes."
 
"637," said the blonde.
 
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number,
so he lived up to his bargain.
 
"I'll take that feisty one over there," said the blonde.
 
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real
color of your hair, can I have my dog back???"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 26 Jul 1998 09:10:19 -0500
From:    Antonio Oliveros <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Webster's Windows95 Definition (Offensive to microsoft)
 
Windows95:  n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8
bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
 
          -Source: http://www.humor.com:
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jul 1998 to 27 Jul 1998
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