HUMOR Digest - 25 Jul 1998 to 26 Jul 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 263 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Bits of Wisdom
  2. The Top 14 Internet Hoaxes <adult, off to quite a few>
  3. Lipstick
  4. Try Landing This! (off. to blondes)
  5. CAJUN WAY
  6. A Close Shave
  7. Time marches on!
  8. Fable of the Fly <language>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 04:03:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Bits of Wisdom
 
* If a thing goes without saying -- let it !
                           - - - - -
 
* A psychiatrist in Columbia Maryland recently reported that half
  of his patients went to him because they were married -- the
  other half because they weren't.
                           - - - - -
 
*   I was showing Mrs JimJr the high number of hits on my Web page
  and some of the "fan" letters I'd received containing
  compliments.
    She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very
  same people who praised Jesus also crucified Him."
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Jesus (I was), we had a guest Pastor one time at our
  Church.  Taking the pulpit, he said, "Today I've prepared a $50
  sermon, a $20 sermon and a $10 sermon.  We'll take the collection
  at this time to see which one the majority of y'all vote for."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A young budding Yuppette was discouraged because she had not
  risen in the ranks at her company at all.  She sought the advice
  of female executive over lunch.
    "Well... Linda." the older and wiser Yuppette said, "There are
  two good ways of making it to top here.  You can put your
  shoulder to the wheel, or put your head on the shoulder of the
  man at the wheel."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A young marriage counselor, haggard with the troubles of his
  clients, got into the elevator with an elderly but highly
  spirited senior consultant.
    "How on earth do you remain so youthful and happy, sir ?"
  sighed the younger man, "Listening to all those unhappy people
  who end-up getting divorced most of the time anyway."
    The older man shrugged his shoulders, "Who listens ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 11:57:24 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Top 14 Internet Hoaxes <adult, off to quite a few>
 
14> The DOTCam -- Live webcast of your local Department of
    Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
 
13> "You, too, can become a Top5 contributor!  Just take
    this little test!"
 
12> Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the
    Internet.
 
11> Rosie O'Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys --
    for dinner!
 
10> "Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE
    on the Internet!"
 
 9> Discovery of Adolph Hitler's long-lost Netscape bookmarks
 
 8> The V2K bug - Every morning, another friggin' Viagra joke
    on your monitor.
 
 7> "Our First A-Bomb" <http://www.abomb.india.gov>
 
 6> TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to
    stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
 
 5> www.ourfirstherpes.com
 
 4> Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey "Sunshine"
    Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon,
    on July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.
 
 3> The Drudge Report
 
 2> Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate
    which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.
 
    and  Number 1 Internet Hoax...
 
 1> The Church of Scientology refund website
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 06:36:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Lipstick
 
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but
after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
 
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she
asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to
take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and
scrub the mirror.
 
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 06:40:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Try Landing This! (off. to blondes)
 
Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the
first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, "Hey, you want to
go up for a ride in my airplane?"
 
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!" So they
go for a tour around the city in the  plane. Eventually they run
low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by.
He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here.
It looks like it's as good a place as any." So he circles around
and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and
pulls back up.

"Damn!" he says, "That is the  SHORTEST runway I have ever seen!
How is anyone supposed to land on it?" Since it's the only runway
nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting
pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm
going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going
to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.
 
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and
gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed
this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No
one could land on anything that short!"
 
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 08:52:15 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: CAJUN WAY
 
Thibodaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux's house and saw a
sign that read:    "BOAT FOR SALE"
 
Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch and wraps hard on
the door and Beaudreaux opens it.
 
Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux !   How long we ban frands ?"
 
Beaudreaux say, "Well... All our lives Thibideaux"
 
Thibodaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"
 
Beaudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat !"
 
Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say;  "BOAT FOR SALE".
 
Beaudreaux say, " OH-NO Thibodaux !" See dat old '72 ford pickem'up
truck over-dare"
 
Thibodaux say,  "yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck"
 
Beaudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan"
 
Thibodaux say,  "yas, I see dat Ce-dan"
 
Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 10:40:28 -0400
From:    Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: A Close Shave
 
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave
around the cheeks.
 
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow
it?"
 
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 10:04:40 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Time marches on!
 
I was at a meeting yesterday and we were discussing an agenda item
when I began to speak at some length about it. At one point, the
name of an individual whom I wanted to mention simply "fell the
crack" and, for the life of me, I couldn't recall the name at the
moment. I made a comment to this effect and one of my colleagues
grinned and quipped, "What you're experiencing is called a "Senior
Moment."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 25 Jul 1998 19:35:06 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fable of the Fly <language>
 
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on
a pile of fresh cow manure.  Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.  He ate and ate
and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly
away.
 
He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.  As
he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle
and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be
able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a
rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is:
 
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jul 1998 to 26 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
