HUMOR Digest - 24 Jul 1998 to 25 Jul 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 439 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Dog Star (Pun)
  2. Vacations
  3. Only in America
  4. A NUN In HELL(Adult)
  5. Grand Opening
  6. Blonde joke (offensive to blondes)
  7. One Joke... Two Punchlines!
  8. Daffy the Duck <Adult Language>
  9. Sisters
 10. Top5 - 7/24/98 - Other Internet Hoaxes
 11. Actual Hong Kong Movie Subtitles
 
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Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 23:38:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Dog Star (Pun)
 
To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British
Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to
standing room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are
students of secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a
play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly
bodies.
 
The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded
the roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the
galaxies. Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a
minor planet, but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one
of the sky's brightest stars.
 
Shirley tried everything. She importuned. She was tearful. She
ranted, and when she finally began a campaign of remarks
disparaging to the girl who did get the part, the exasperated
teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting... "Shirley,
you can't be Sirius!"
 
               -By Himie Koshevoy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 04:04:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Vacations
 
* Last year Mrs JimJr and I took separate vacations.  I cleaned
  out the garage, while she straightened up the basement.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr is something to take on vacation anyway.  I swear !!!
  That woman is descended from Noah. She takes two of everything.
                           - - - - -
 
* Last time we went down to Hilton Head in South Carolina, we got
  lucky and made real good time.  The main highway was open while
  the detour was being repaired.
                           - - - - -
 
* I once worked with a very attractive single girl who loved to
  go on vacation.  Each year when Rene returned, she'd give ya
  a beau-by-beau account of her two weeks.
                           - - - - -
 
* Italy was fantastic.  Rome took my breath away.  Venice left me
  speechless.  And then there was Florence...  she got me for over
  $500 in Traveler's Checks.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr seems to feel one should get their money's worth on
  vacation.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute
  or not.  But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the
  sand, she came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us
  $300 a day -- and you sit there reading a book !"
                           - - - - -
 
* As a vacation for the parents more than the kids, some people
  send their kids to camp.  Imagine how frantic one Mother became
  when she received a post card with: "Dear Mom, I told you if
  you made me go to camp something terrible would happen.  Well,
  it did.  Love, Bonnie."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 08:46:58 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Only in America
 
               Only in America...
 
- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
 
- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
 
- are there Braille characters on (silent) bank machines
 
- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
  and a diet coke
 
- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
  to the counters
 
- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
  and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
 
- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
  waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
  talk to in the first place
 
- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
  eight
 
------------------------------

 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 09:41:19 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: A NUN In HELL(Adult)

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister
Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the
situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.
 
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called
him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she
begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must'
attend!"
 
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right
away."
 
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the
receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
 
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 11:56:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Grand Opening
 
A new department store announced that it was going to give out free
TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand
Opening Day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people
were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am,
determined to receive their free TV.
 
When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front
of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in
line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am.  The big
guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he
pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might!
 
The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front
of the big burly man a second time.
 
Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up,
dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man
and the door a third time!
 
This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and
rushed over to hear what the fight was about. "Well," said the big
burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this
morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me
to the head of the line!"
 
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man
replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him
several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to
open the store!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 09:58:41 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Blonde joke (offensive to blondes)
 
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead and one's a blonde.  The guard brings the brunette forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no
and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim! ..."
 
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and
looks around as the brunette escapes.
 
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready!... Aim!..."
 
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is
startled and looks around, while the redhead silently slips away.
 
By now the blonde has it all figured out, and the guard brings her
forward. The executioner asks if she has any last  requests, she
says no and the executioner shouts,
 
"Ready! ... Aim!..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 09:24:35 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: One Joke... Two Punchlines!
 
I have heard TWO versions of this joke.  Note the different
punchlines..
 
A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select
his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The
new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really
old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous
blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil
walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay,
stop now you've been relieved."
 
OR
 
A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select
his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The
new guy immediately asks to see the third room.  Inside this room
there are men standing in a big pool of sewage drinking tea.  So he
says well of the three this isn't too bad.  So he chooses this
room, and as he climbs into the sewage, the devil announces "okay,
tea break over!  Back on your heads"
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 11:36:58 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Daffy the Duck <Adult Language>
 
Once upon a time there was a small duck named Daffy who didn't want
to fly south for the winter. Daffy felt it was a silly tradition to
keep flying north and south every year, so this year, he intended
to stay right where he was.
 
All the other ducks then took off for their yearly migration, and
Daffy had the pond all to himself. He just swam around and enjoyed
the feeling of being alone for the first time in his young life.
 
Soon, however, the weather began to turn cold. So cold, in fact,
that Daffy realized that he had made a serious mistake. So Daffy
reluctantly decided to fly south after all. The weather was very,
very cold.  And soon, Daffy was so cold, he couldn't continue. He
fell to the ground and lay in a grassy field near death.
 
Along came a cow, who was eating the grass in the field. The cow
took a big dump, and some of the cow shit fell on Daffy, burying
him up to his neck. The cow shit was very warm. It was so warm,
that it soon thawed Daffy out. He began to feel a lot better...
and he began to quack happily. The sound of his quacking attracted
a nearby cat, who dug Daffy out of the cow shit, killed him, and
ate him.
 
The MORAL of the story:
  1. He who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  2. He who digs you out of shit is not necessarily your friend
  3. If you're up to your neck in shit, but you're comfortable and
     happy... keep your mouth shut!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 17:25:44 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Sisters
 
Public Safety Watch; July 17, 6:42 p.m.
 
"A Public Safety Officer was standing outside West Hall when a
young female ran out of the residence hall, crying and screaming.
The officer called for back up and approached the female and asked
her what was wrong.
 
The female said she was tired of being hit and pushed. The officer
asked her to step back inside the building and show him who was
hitting her. The female indicated that two sisters had hit her.
 
The two sisters admitted to hitting and pushing her, but said the
other female had thrown the first punch. The sisters also had been
calling one of the sisters names and swearing at her.
 
There were no visible marks on any of the young women.  The officer
advised the three to stay away from each other to avoid further
actions.
 
The three females were visiting the campus with a church group."
 
 
From the student newspaper, "The Daily Helmsman"
The University of Memphis
Thursday, July 23, 1998
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 23:07:36 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/24/98 - Other Internet Hoaxes
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
    NOTE TO THE UNAWARE OR HIBERNATING:  Recently, the media
reported that a website, www.ourfirsttime.com, would be showing
two 18-year-old virgins, as they lost their virginity together,
 live over the Internet.  It turns out it was a hoax -- one in
 a long line of Internet hoaxes.   Here at Top5, we have a few
     more Internet hoaxes you may not have been aware of...
 
                The Top 14 Other Internet Hoaxes
                        July 24, 1998
 
14> The DOTCam -- Live webcast of your local Department of
    Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
 
13> "You, too, can become a Top5 contributor!  Just take
    this little test!"
 
12> Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the
    Internet.
 
11> Rosie O'Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys --
    for dinner!
 
10> "Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE
    on the Internet!"
 
 9> Discovery of Adolph Hitler's long-lost Netscape bookmarks
 
 8> The V2K bug - Every morning, another friggin' Viagra joke
    on your monitor.
 
 7> "Our First A-Bomb" <http://www.abomb.india.gov>
 
 6> TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to
    stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
 
 5> www.ourfirstherpes.com
 
 4> Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey "Sunshine"
    Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon,
    on July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.
 
 3> The Drudge Report
 
 2> Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate
    which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.
 
         and Top5's Number 1 Other Internet Hoax...
 
 1> The Church of Scientology refund website
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 22:22:37 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <e_witt@SHAW.WAVE.CA>
Subject: Actual Hong Kong Movie Subtitles
 
Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old ruls: no eyes; no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pitutaries.
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet you, I'll blow up your throat.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out.
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!!
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hairs!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed this way.
You always use violance, I should't have ordered the glutinous rice
chicken.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jul 1998 to 25 Jul 1998
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