HUMOR Digest - 23 Jul 1998 to 24 Jul 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 480 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Karl Marx (Pun)
  2. IT's MY JOB(adult)
  3. Animals
  4. Contraceptive98
     <Adult, Offensive to Bill Gates & Microsoft (But who cares?)>
  5. Raffle ticket
  6. just a question!
  7. <Humor> the lost balloonist --revised.
  8. Another genie joke <slightly risque>
  9. Is That A Mouse In Your Pocket...? <adult>
 10. Viagra
 11. Polish Police Reports <off. to Poles>
 12. Soccer '98 - Did you know? <adult>
 13. Whatta guy
 14. Iced Tea
 
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Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 23:50:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Karl Marx (Pun)
 
Karl Marx is best known as the philosopher who formed the basis of
the Communist revolution. It is less well known that he was an
advent sports enthusiast. Karl's major interest was in Kegeling,
what we call Bowling or Ten-Pins in the United States. In fact it
was his passion about the sport that led to his fleeing Germany for
Paris where he first became acquainted with socialism.
 
Karl was the editor of a newspaper in Cologne, Germany, when, in
1843, the government banned kegeling and other indoor sports,
because they were distracting workers and delaying the completion
of projects that had been ordered.
 
Karl immediately used his newspaper to print protests about the
ban. The front page of his daily was devoted to the issue, and he
wrote a seething editorial proclaimin...   Bowlers of the world,
arise;  you have nothing to choose but your lanes!
 
          -By Stan Kegel from a pun by Don Hauptman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 02:07:35 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: IT's MY JOB(adult)
 
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90 mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar.  Bob
pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said,
"You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
 
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
 
"93mph son!  93mph in a 55 zone!"
 
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

 
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming
fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job!  Why... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in
my entire life!"
 
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
 
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts
on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you
have?!?"
 
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
 
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
 
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
 
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
 
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be
stretched, so I go over there & start with a couple of fingers,
then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull
them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
 
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard
and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
 
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick
it at the end of a bridge!
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 03:31:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Animals
 
* A tomcat tells a female cat, "For you, I would die."
  The female asks, "How many times ?"
                           - - - - -
  
* Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a "woman".
  She had her first century.
                           - - - - -
 
* A donkey had an IQ of 186.  He had no friends at all though.
  Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
                           - - - - -
 
* Did y'all ever wonder why mice have such small balls ?  Easy --
  very few of them can dance at all.
                           - - - - -
 
* A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat
  flew out.  "Look Ma !" said the youngster.  "An Angel."
                          - - - - -
 
* You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water.  How
  come nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH
  water.
                           - - - - -
 
* A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her
  first kangaroo.  As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its
  head out of the Mother's pouch.  "Just as I suspected." the girl
  said to herself.  "Cesareans do leave a nasty scar."
                           - - - - -
 
* You've all heard of Russian roulette and a joke's been making the
  rounds about African roulette.  How many of you know how to play
  Indian roulette though ?  You're given a flute and 6 large
  cobras, one of whom is deaf.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 10:59:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Contraceptive98 <Adult,
         Offensive to Bill Gates & Microsoft (But who cares?)>
 
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who
engage in sex.
 
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
and play.  It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
 
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.
 
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0  (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).
 
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
 
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
 
OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs
and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user
must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session
is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the
message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
 
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most
serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but
most of these have been eliminated.  The product needs to be
installed each time its used.
 
CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior
to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software,that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout
and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s
potential.  He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help
users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for
years."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 21:39:35 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Raffle ticket
 
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices
she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you
get that necklace?"
 
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
 
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
 
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
 
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work
wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle
at work?"
 
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
 
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there
is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
 
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 08:33:19 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: just a question!
 
I put on a freshly washed pair of trousers this morning and was
pleased to discover #20 inside them, although unfortunately they
had been through the 40 degree wash.  But is this what they mean by
laundering money?
 
 
http://welcome.to/ians.world
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 14:47:33 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor> the lost balloonist -- revised.
 
(The second response of the guy on the ground is new)
                     ***********
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
 
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field."
 
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
 
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
 
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
 
The man below says "you must work in business."
 
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the
same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 15:00:32 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Another genie joke <slightly risque>
 
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a meeting that had broken up in a fight.  While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver
one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to
the matter the one man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
beer!"
 
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.
 
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as
the two considered their circumstances. The other man looked
disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long,
tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to
have to pee in the boat."
 
                    -From a friend:
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 12:13:38 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Is That A Mouse In Your Pocket...? <adult>
 
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what
he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese, and
then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance
by raping a German Shepherd.
 
The man, very excited by  this, was dying to show someone his
discovery. He rushed home and  woke up his wife, but before he
could explain she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head
with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait
until I tell you about this."
 
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
you!"
 
          -via "Dim Wit's Daily Dose of Dirty Jokes"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 16:27:15 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Viagra
 
Do you know where they got the name "Viagra", the new wonder drug
for male impotence?

Its from the Spanish "Viejitos Agradecidos" "VI(ejitos)
AGRA(edecidos)"
 
"Viejitos Agradecidos" ----> "Grateful Old Men"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 14:34:35 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Polish Police Reports <off. to Poles>
 
These snippets from Polish Police reports - purported to be true -
have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej
Zychla

 1. The corpse was very well-exposed - nicely arranged into the
    door frame.
 
 2. The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been
    consumed.
 
 3. The suspect relieved himself - soiling his trousers in order to
    escape responsibility.
 
 4. I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple
    was in need of medico-sexual attention.
 
 5. Throwing water on the victim did not help - the deceased
    remained dead.
 
 6. On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner -
    also dead.
 
 7. With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
 
 8. Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to
    the fact that it contained a hole.
 
 9. The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
 
10. The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and
    his own opinion.
 
11. The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its
    morgue.
 
12. A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
 
13. I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no
    state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
 
14. He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his
    stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
 
15. On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
 
16. The owner struck the horse until death.
 
17. At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of
    which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third
    being completely deceased.
 
18. In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of
    unknown origin.
 
19. It was a dog of Alsatian make.
 
20. The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor
    anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
 
21. The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with
    the help of a bit of string.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 24 Jul 1998 10:02:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Soccer '98 - Did you know? <adult>
 
In this World Cup '98 in France there were a lot of football
related events. Instead of just the game itself there were also
seminars and meetings. In one such seminar a participant raises an
issue regarding the question about the timings...
 
"Why do people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1
hour?" Every one inside the room was very quiet and they looked
very confused. Even the sports specialists and some of the senior
players could not give the right answer. In that confusing
situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.
 
He said... "The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is
there are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each teams, Each
player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is
45".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 22:29:55 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Whatta guy
 
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
all hope of ever behaving "normally."
 
          - Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 21:45:38 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Iced Tea
 
While visiting a friend at his mother's house, I was invited to
stay for dinner.  As I took my place at the table, my attention was
immediately drawn to the large glass of iced tea to the left of my
plate.  For several moments my mind was flooded with happy memories
of the large glasses of tea that my grandmother always served when
I was a kid.
 
About midway through the meal, I had managed to drink half my glass
of the tea when I noticed a much smaller glass to my right.  As I
was pondering what the other glass was for, my friend piped up,
"Randy, why are you drinking out of the pitcher?"
 
               -Randy Uselton
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jul 1998 to 24 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
