HUMOR Digest - 22 Jul 1998 to 23 Jul 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 415 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Columbia Maryland <some innuendo>
  2. A true story from a friend
  3. The Bra Buyer
  4. False Alarm <adult>
  5. Hare Raising <pun>
  6. Childish Humor
  7. Society's Most Scorned <everyone>
  8. News articles I have found recently
  9. The Power of Prayer
 10. The Clock <adult>
 
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Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 03:10:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland <some innuendo>
 
* Most of the weddings in Columbia are performed early in the
  morning.  That way, if it doesn't work out, at least the
  couple hasn't wasted an entire day.
                           - - - - - -
 
* I've found that most Yuppettes are like a woman who's been
  married 6 times & on her 7th honeymoon.  She goes thru life
  knowing what to do & say, but can't be enthusiastic about it.
                           - - - - -
 
* A newly married Yuppette walked into her new home with her
  husband.  "John ???  This place looks so familiar." she said
  gazing around.  "Have we been married before ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* A new game currently making the rounds in Columbia is called
  "Sex Roulette".  You have a choice of 6 beautiful Yuppettes:
  but one of them tape records everything, will sue you, & is
  writing a book.
                           - - - - - -
 
* The up-and-coming Yuppette hadn't received a promotion or a
  raise in two years and was afraid she had risen as far in the
  company as she was going to; but she was still not what was
  considered to be "Upper-Level" management.
 
  The Personnel Director, completing her interview to be an
  assistant to the CEO said, "I'm sorry, you just won't do."
 
  "Wait !!!" she pleaded, "Did I say I wouldn't ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* The Yuppie couple just couldn't seem to make up their minds as
  to whether they should trade in their 3-year-old BMW on the new
  model or not.
 
  Forty minutes of negotiation with the salesman at a Columbia
  dealership didn't help much either, as they thought they weren't
  getting all that good of a deal.
 
  Finally the salesman said, "Look. Do you two realize while you
  sit here dickering, the value of your trade-in's depreciating ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 06:30:11 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A true story from a friend
 
A few weeks ago, when I was trying hard to train my puppy to go
outside, or to at least ask to go outside, I always praised him
with "Good boy!" when he did right.  Well one day, he finally
learned how to jump off of the couch.  He is so little that it
really did take him quite a while to get up enough nerve to jump.
It would be like you or me jumping off the garage roof --
proportionately.

Anyhow, I was sitting next to him when he finally, after running
back and forth on the edge for about five minutes, jumped off. I
sat up and clapped and shouted "Good boy!" to praise his bravery
and he promptly peed on the carpet.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 13:04:49 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Bra Buyer

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
 
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
 
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
 
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of
this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk.
 
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
 
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"
 
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
 
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the
fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole
hills.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 14:17:55 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: False Alarm <adult>
 
There were two babies side by side in the nursery, one male and the
other female. One day they were just cooing away, when the little
girl baby started screaming, "Rape! Rape! Rape!!!!"
 
The little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little girl
baby, and said "Aww... roll over and shut up, you're lying on your
pacifier!
 
          -via [upncumming] BOO'S JOKELIST
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 14:47:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hare Raising <pun>
 
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping
across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car
and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what
had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
 
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I
feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
 
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went
to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit.
 
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at
the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
 
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could
be in the woman's spray can!!  He ran over to the woman and asked,
"What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
 
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the
label. It said: "Hair spray.  Restores life to dead hair. Adds
permanent wave."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 15:54:36 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Childish Humor
 
All true stories...
 
It was a particularly warm winter Sunday when I took off my 2 year
old son's shoes for his nap.  I asked him, "Would you like me to
take off your socks too so you can walk around in your bare feet
until nap time?"
 
Instantly his face lit up and he just beamed when he answered,
"Yeah!"  As soon as I got his socks off, he took off running
circles around our house laughing and happily calling out, "Bare
feet! Bare feet!"  My husband and I laughed along with him but
couldn't figure out why taking off his socks caused such
excitement.  A few minutes later I overheard him telling his
favorite stuffed bear, "Look, Baloo, I have bear feet just like
you!"
                    - - - - - - - - - - -
 
My friends daughter was telling her mother how much she liked a boy
in her pre-school class, "Mom, I like him better than pink!"  So my
friend asked if she was thinking of marrying him when she grows up,
the little girl was absolutely horrified and said, "No, the only
one I can marry is Daddy!"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
My cousin's little boy had a new teenaged babysitter who had inch
long bright red finger nails.  The 4 year old boy stared at her
nails for 15 minutes straight and finally asked her his most
burning question, "How do you pick your nose with those things?"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
My son confidently tells me he knows he's safe at night because if
he needs me, I will hear him on the "momitor."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 15:27:02 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Society's Most Scorned <everyone>
 
Now today's Top Five List of People Most Scorned by Society:
 
5: Politicians who promise tax cuts during an election year.
 
4: Child molesting TV evangelist militia members.
 
3: Snitches who secretly videotape pro football stars buying drugs
   or White House interns bragging.
 
2: Convicted serial killers who sell auographed pictures by mail.
 
   And the Number One group of People Most Scorned by Society:
 
1: Cigarette smokers who get seated in restaurants while
   non-smokers have to wait!
 
 
          -From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 23:40:52 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: News articles I have found recently
 
PARIS (Reuters) - A cyclist stopped by police for riding the wrong
way down a one-way street turned out to be a trainee policeman who
was illegally carrying a gun and who admitted he was on his way to
buy drugs.
 
A police spokesman said on Tuesday that the would-be law enforcer
told police he was carrying the handgun because the neighborhood
where he planned to buy drugs was unsafe.
 
"This is not exactly the type of element we want in our ranks and I
think his presence in police school is about to come to an abrupt
end," the spokesman told 
                    ---------------
 
A bicyclist who confronted three well-dressed men walking to their
hotel in Alexandria, Virginia, pointed what looked like a 9mm
semi-automatic handgun at them and demanded money. The 3 men turned
out to be off-duty federal agents, who drew their own weapons and
fired more than 20 shots, hitting the would-be robber, as well as
three cars, a truck, two homes and an office building. The injured
suspect's weapon turned out to be a pellet gun.
                    ---------------
 
In Mexico, 3 armed state police officers surrounded a car
containing the eldest son of President Ernesto Zedillo and demanded
money, apparently unaware of their victim's identity. They learned
it soon enough when another car containing presidential bodyguards
stopped, and the guards overpowered the police.
                    ---------------
 
In June, the owner of the only "adult bookstore" in Clarksville,
Tennessee, petitioned a federal court to overturn a recently-passed
city ordinance. The city council intended to prohibit operators of
such a store from engaging in sex on the premises of the store but
apparently left out the words "on the premises," thus prohibiting
the owner and his employees from having sex anywhere.
                    ---------------
 
Last year, the Army issued Bronze Stars to seven members of the 3rd
Armored Cavalry Regiment for "meritorious achievement" during the
Persian Gulf war, even though their achievement was mistakenly
firing on U.S. troops, killing one and wounding another.
                    ---------------
 
Apple Computer Inc. revealed that it settled a lawsuit brought by
astronomer Carl Sagan, who objected to the company's use of his
name as a code word for the development of its Power Macintosh
7100. After Sagan's attorneys complained, the company changed the
project's name. The change didn't satisfy Sagan, who sued Apple
after hearing news reports project managers had relabeled the
project BHA -- for "Butt-head Astronomer."
                    ---------------
 
Redondo Beach, California, police officer Joseph Fonteno stopped a
car after observing it heading along the Pacific Coast Highway with
half of a traffic-light pole on its hood and the signal lights
still attached. Fonteno said that when he asked about the pole, the
driver replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."
 
1991 - Police in Doylestown, Pa., arrested Alfons Kessler, 47, in
March for attempting to murder his girlfriend's husband. It was
Kessler's fifth attempt at the man. He had been unsuccessful
using a gun, a truck, a Molotov cocktail and a crossbow, and this
time was unsuccessful using a pipe bomb.
 
1992 - Gary Blantz, 29, was arrested for kidnapping a bar owner
near Lancaster, Pa., in February. Police reported later that Blantz
shot himself in the foot with his .45-caliber revolver to show the
victim what would happen to him if he were disobedient.
 
1991 - In Phoenix, Ariz., Alfred Lavers, 48, argued unsuccessfully
earlier this year that he should not receive the death penalty for
slowly and torturously stabbing his wife and stepdaughter to death.
Lawyers argued that the law discriminates against poor people who
cannot afford expensive guns in order to commit murder and
therefore must rely on crude weapons that kill slowly.
 
1996 - According to a new corporation filing in April in St. Louis,
Mo., an organization formed to bring women together to raise money
for breast cancer research named itself Just Us Girls Gettin'
Scooters.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 21:36:45 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Power of Prayer
 
 Q. What is the difference between people who pray
    in church and those who pray in casinos?
 
 A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 23 Jul 1998 09:48:52 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Clock <adult>
 
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting
for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place.
 
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his
father-in-law - "When my son comes, do not call up office and say
that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise I'll have to
shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has
arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."
 
The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The
father-in-law now thinks - "If I tell him that the clock has not
arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the
baby and come rushing over."
 
So he sends the message - " The clock has arrived, but the pendulum
is missing".
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/1603
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jul 1998 to 23 Jul 1998
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