HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 1998 to 22 Jul 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Memory Building <clean>
  2. This Week in Columbia Maryland
  3. BY THE NUMBERS ( ADULT)
  4. Top 10 Dr Seuss books that were rejected <adult, suggestive>
  5. Lies
  6. Blonde Jokes (I'm blonde and it's not offensive to me)
  7. women (offensive to women)
  8. lawyer joke <not very offensive>
  9. Speed Limit
 10. 69ing <adult,disgusting to 69ers :)>
 11. Car Trouble (Pun)
 
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Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 11:53:08 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Memory Building <clean>
 
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when
one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"
 
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made
a huge difference for me."
 
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
 
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't
remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
 
"You mean a rose?"
 
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was
the name of that clinic?"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/1603
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 03:47:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: This Week in Columbia Maryland
 
* The Columbia Center for Healing Arts is offering classes in "Qi
  Gong" which teaches residents the art of deep breathing and the
  proper tilt of one's nose when speaking with non-residents.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Columbia Association is offering concerts all week at Lake
  Kittamaqundi.  Organizers stated that anyone who can correctly
  pronounce the name of the Lake will be given a 15 % discount
  on the price of admission.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Columbia Youth Hockey Club had to postpone their practice
  session this week when they attempted to take to the ice only
  to discover it had melted in the 90 degree temperatures.  The
  coach said there were no serious injuries and that all players
  had been treated and released from the Howard County Hospital.
                           - - - - -
 
* Columbia resident Linda Tripp (of Monica Lewinsky fame) is now
  being investigated by a Maryland State Prosecutor for her role
  in the wire-tapping.  An ad-hoc committee of Yuppettes is also
  trying to determine if Ms Tripp violated any of the Columbia
  covenants with her hair-do and general appearance.
                           - - - - -
 
* The 15th Annual Woman's Distance Festival 5k race with 645 women
  participating was held at the Columbia Mall.  This year, the run
  was held at Midnight when all the store were closed.  Last year,
  less than 30% of the starters crossed the finish line as the rest
  were drawn to go shopping at the Mall.
                           - - - - -
 
* Due to the its overwhelming popularity, 4 additional restaurants
  in Columbia have instituted a "Whine Hour" for all Yuppettes who
  feel depressed, oppressed, repressed, stressed, suppressed, or
  just plain bored.   An anti-anxiety Cappuccino Mousse Martini
  appears to remain the drink of choice among the pule set.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 07:04:46 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BY THE NUMBERS ( ADULT)
 
Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
 1.  Open your fly.
 2.  Take out your equipment.
 3.  Pull back the skin.
 4.  Do your business.
 5.  Let the skin forward.
 6.  Stow your equipment.
 7.  Close your fly.
 
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and
heard 1,2,3,4,5,6.7.  She was very happy until one day she checked
and heard 3-5,3-5,3-5.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 15:22:46 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Top 10 Dr Seuss books that were rejected
         <adult, suggestive>

10. The Cat in the Microwave
 9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
 8. Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?
 7. The Fox in Detox
 6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
 5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
 4. Zippy the Gerbil
 3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
 2. Who Shat in the Hat?
 1. Horton Hires a Whore
 
          -From Jeff Millar
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 11:39:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Lies
 
               Lies!  Damn Lies!
 
We all know that the 2 biggest lies in the world are:
     1) "The check is in the mail."
     2) "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you."
 
Ann Landers asked her readers to come up with Number 3.
Here's a sampling of what they came up with:
 
-  "It's good you came in today, we only have 2 more in stock!"
-  "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height!"
-  "You made it yourself?  I never would have guessed."
-  "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
-  "You don't look a day over 40."
-  "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm and into an apartment
    of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
-  "It's delicious, really, but I can't eat another bite."
-  "The new ownership won't affect you.  The company will remain
    the same."
-  "The puppy won't be any trouble, Dad.  I promise I'll take
    care of it myself.  You won't have to do anything."
-  "Your hair looks just fine."
-  "Put away the map, I know exactly how to get there."
-  "You don't need it in writing.  You have my personal guarantee!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 12:33:01 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: Blonde Jokes (I'm blonde and it's not offensive to me)
 
          (oldies, but goodies)
 
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch 'n' sniff at the bottom of the pool.
 
What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
Opens the car door!
 
Why does a blonde wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
 
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm soooo drunk.
 
What's a brunette's mating call?
Is that dumb blonde girl gone yet?
 
     A single, blonde, pregnant girl goes to the grocery store.
A couple that she knows notices she's pregnant. The lady asks her
"Who's baby is it?"
     The blonde says, "Well... I don't know they are going to do
blood tests, but I think it's mine."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 13:01:45 PDT
From:    Nauman Shahid <nshahid@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: women (offensive to women)
 
After getting engaged I can see what all the married jokes are all
about. So here are a few thoughts on having a fiance.
 
In the mornings it's so easy to know when my fiance is fully awake,
that's usually when the complaining starts.
 
No, really she's great in the mornings, cuddly & very affectionate.
But that's before she is fully awake.
What Pfizer needs is a pill that keeps your fiance half awake
and affectionate all day long.
 
I think that a pill that keeps women's jaws clenched
would be just as effective as Viagra.
 
Before engagement, I couldn't ask for anything kinky in bed.
Now that she has the ring (and everything seems different),
she doesn't mind participating in any fantasy that I may have.
Only problem is that there so many other things to take care of:
   - living arrangements (buy a house?);
   - meeting the relatives;
   - the ceremony;
   - and that ring doesn't it need insurance;
   - honestly sex doesn't seem so important anymore.
 
Then there is the 2-3 weeks of showing off the ring to anyone and
everyone. After about two weeks of, "look doesn't it look good in
the afternoon", "doesn't look like fire in this lighting", "doesn't
it look brilliant in the bathroom light", and on and on.  I finally
turned to her and asked, "What makes you so sure that it isn't
zirconium?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 16:21:04 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: lawyer joke <not very offensive>
 
I thought I had heard all the lawyer jokes, then ran across this
one at the Black Sheep Genealogy home page:
 
Most people are buried 6 feet down.  Lawyers, however, are often
sunk to a depth of 30 feet.  Do you know why?
 
Bacause down deep, they're really nice people.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 18:30:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Speed Limit
 
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
 
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --
two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I
don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."
 
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly.. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
 
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22"
was the route number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
 
          -Sent From: Daniel Chenault
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 22 Jul 1998 09:52:17 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: 69ing <adult,disgusting to 69ers :)>
 
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to
her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you
mean?" he asked.
 
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head
between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs", still
unsure but willing, he agreed.
 
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a
rip-roaring fart.  "What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
 
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again"  she said.
 
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man
immediately got up and started getting dressed.
 
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
 
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're
crazy!!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/1603
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 22:19:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Car Trouble (Pun)
 
The receptionist at Shockoe Clinic, Hilda Honaker, came into the
lobby the other morning shaking her head in concern. I asked what
was the matter, and she said her car was giving her trouble. "It's
always run beautifully, but all of a sudden it's burning so much
oil! And it gives off smelly bluish smoke. I'm ashamed to be seen
driving such a polluter! Doctor, do you know anything about
automobiles?"
 
"Well," I said, "I'm no mechanic, but if you'll tell me what make
of car you drive I'll try to make a semi-educated guess."
 
Hilda honked [she's a goose]: "Why, I drive a Saturn."
 
I smiled, held up one pawfinger, and declared: "Ah, then it's
obvious... you just need new rings!"
 
               -By Dr. Jake Katz
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 1998 to 22 Jul 1998
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