HUMOR Digest - 20 Jul 1998 to 21 Jul 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 461 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Interesting Read..<clean>
  2. Ducks
  3. Mrs JimJr - Wife and Buddy
  4. Gladstone  and Disraeli <clean>
  5. Flying A Puppy
  6. THE FISHERMAN's Tale
  7. Lucky (2)
  8. women (offensive to women)
  9. Humor I've found in the news
 10. Ezekiel (Feghoot)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 12:36:31 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Interesting Read..<clean>
 
This is a very meaningful paragraph if read a bit
unconventionally..
 
"This paragraph will attempt to provide a new
,read we way the to approach unique and
You will notice this paragraph reads from
the at again start not does and right to left
left column, as we are used to. In a
consider ,everything is time where society
the phenominal amount of time wasted
back and right to left from eyes the moving
again, only to accomplish the simple task of
reads person average the Assume .reading
10 letters a day, 350 times a year, each
1/4 wasted we If .text of lines 50 with letter
of a second each time our eyes moved from
would we ,reading continue to left to right
have wasted 31,250 seconds, or over eight
"!year per hours half a and

Puzzled!! okay read it again but at the end of a line
don't move your eyeball to the left hand corner..
continue to read the next line from where the line you
just read ended.
 
i.e.
instead of
start ----------> end
start ----------> end
start -----------> end
 
read it
start -------> end
end <-------- start
start -------> end
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/1603
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 03:23:51 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ducks
 
This guy walks into a quiet bar.  He is carrying three ducks.  One
in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar.
He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.  The Bartender is
experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals
that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They
chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go
to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is
alone with the ducks.
 
There is an awkward silence.  The Bartender decides to try to make
some conversation.  "What's your name?" he says to the first duck.
 
"Huey" said the first duck.
 
"How's your day been, Huey?"
 
"Great. Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all
day".
 
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.  Then he says to the second
duck "Hi.  And what's your name?".
 
"Dewey" came the answer.
 
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
 
"Great. Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all
day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
 
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must
be Louie".
 
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles."
 
               -compliments of Swirlpudng
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 04:33:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr - Wife and Buddy
 
* Mrs JimJr has a rather simple philosophy of life.  Any time your
  actions speak louder than your words -- don't interrupt them.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr's philosophy on child raising is unique too.  She sez
  that God gave us 12 years to learn to love our children before
  turning them into teenagers.
                           - - - -
 
* I remember one time maybe I was a tad grouchy about events at
  the State Highway and Mrs JimJr listened to my gripes and moans
  in polite understanding.  Then she said, "I'll be glad when you
  get high enough at the office to be cranky there."
                           - - - - -
 
* Under the "Things I Learned from My Wife" Department, a tip for
  the men out there.  If you're ever at a party and want to leave,
  just pick the most attractive woman there and begin what appears
  to be an intimate conversation.  Trust me !  Your wife will be
  ready to leave in no time.
                           - - - - -
 
*   As y'all might imagine, I have a rather "loose interpretation"
  of right and wrong on a few subjects.  During a rather lengthy
  discussion I asked Mrs JimJr why she thought it was that HER
  conscience must be MY guide.
    She replied, "Because you get such poor reception from yours."
                           - - - - -
 
*   More to humor me than because she enjoyed it, every so often
  Mrs JimJr will go fishing with me.  I had caught several this
  one time, but she hadn't even had a nibble.  She asked me to
  rebait her line, and upon checking it, I found it to be fine.
  I told her, "There's nothing wrong with your bait."
    "Yes there is too." she replied. "This one's just not trying."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 15:02:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Gladstone  and Disraeli <clean>
 
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging, or of some vile disease".
 
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:38:34 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Flying A Puppy
 
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this  man got
a small puppy as a present for his son.  Not having time to get
the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup
down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.
 
About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess, noticed the man
shaking and quivering.  "Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?
 
"Ahh...  Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
 
Sometime later the stewardess noticed the man moaning, and shaking
again..
 
"Are you sure you're all right sir?"
 
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make.  I didn't
have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid
him down the front of my pants."
 
"What's wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"
 
"No, that's not the problem.... The problem is he's not weaned
yet!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:07:14 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE FISHERMAN's Tale

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with
twin sons.  They loved the children very much, but couldn't think
of what to name their children.  Finally, after several days, the
fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a
little while, the names will simply occur to us."
 
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed
a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would always
turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.  It
didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the
same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys
Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.  His wife agreed, and
from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
 
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came
when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that
learned how to make a living from the sea."  They provisioned their
ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
 
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and still no
ship.
 
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man
walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
 
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked
into a great fish.  Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was
more than his equal.  For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves
without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish
started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of
our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them
again."
 
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that must
of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible fish."
 
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 15:55:05 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Lucky
 
This from the NYTimes News Service:

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive 'on paper,' trainers
announced that 'Lucky,' a German shepherd guide dog for the blind
in Wuppertal Germany, is available for his fifth owner.
 
Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. And the
second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third
owner off a railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt
express, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy
traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't
be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
nervousness 'and do something silly.'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:41:12 PDT
From:    Nauman Shahid <nshahid@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: women (offensive to women)
 
After a heated exchange during breakfast.  My fiance while carrying
the food towards the dining table stated, "Could you please carry
something, it's not like I have four arms."
 
I had to reply, "Well, it sounded like you have 3 or 4 mouths, I
just assumed you had four arms."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 12:28:39 -0400
From:    Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Lucky
 
     [Duplicate post, see Michael Mullen's "Lucky" above]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 21 Jul 1998 00:03:55 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Humor I've found in the news
 
With so many incidents (13 this year), welfare officials in Italy
are pasting posters nationwide on outdoor rubbish bins urging
mothers not to throw out their newborn babies.
 
In a TN first, four Tennessee hunters were charged with violating
the federal Airborne Hunting Act by using an ultra-lite plane to
herd deer towards their guns.
 
Microsoft abruptly ended that trial in Chicago by paying $5 million
to buy out the ISP owner who had the patent name rights to
'Internet Explorer.' An adverse jury verdict would have forced them
to remove the words from all systems, packaging and advertising.
 
A 46-year-old father of three who worked by day as religious
education teacher at Oakmead College of Technology in England was
fired after ex-pupils recognized him at his night job as a male
stripper. He claimed he needed the work to pay debts and his
mortgage.
 
Brazil authorities recalled Schering's Microvlar birth control
pills and temporarily closed the German company's pharmaceutical
plant there after placebos were discovered in birth control
packages, leaving at least four women pregnant.
 
A original can package of Hormel's SPAM was accepted into the
Smithsonian's National Museum of American History.
 
When a fly flew into the mouth of British newsman Jonathan Hill
while he was reading the news live on camera for a Welsh TV
station, he promptly swallowed it rather than disgust viewers 'at
tea time' by spitting it out.
 
Dry cleaners are protesting a Jefferson City MO program that lets
state employees and lawmakers get their clothes cleaned
ultra-cheaply by prisoners at local prisons.
 
A Kuwaiti court sentenced an opposition journalist in Egypt to six
months in jail, in absentia, for publishing this joke 'insulting to
Islam:' Teacher: "Why did God kick out Adam and Eve from heaven?"
A student answers: "Because they hadn't paid the rent."
 
Harper's Index reported that of the 535 complimentary subscriptions
which porn mag 'Hustler' offered to members of Congress last year,
only 16 were rejected.
 
NYC police responding to a burglary call were surprised to find an
eclectic assortment of dangerous items in a Bronx home occupied by
the son of a deceased nuclear worker. Carl Natanagara's stash
included radioactive elements such as cesium 135, radium 226 and
deadly byproduct strontium 90, black powder, napalm, handguns, a
rifle, and heroin, for which he was arrested.
 
A routine security check at a British Ministry of Defense lab at
Malvern, Worcestershire turned up the fact that a computer there
had been used around the clock for three weeks to download and
store some 170,000 pornographic pictures from the Internet. 3,500
Defense Evaluation and Research Agency scientists around the world
had access to the photos. Five workers, who used 500 fake logon
names during the effort, have been suspended.
 
Herb Tanner of Mayfield Heights OH, a 92-year-old with artificial
knees, made it into the Guinness record book as the oldest person
ever to parachute from an airplane without holding on to anyone
else.
 
Taking the advice of kids software reviewers like those from
SuperKids, Panasonic Interactive Media will pull copies of 'Secret
Writer's Society,' which was meant to teach 7-to-9-year-olds to
write by reciting their text back to them. The problem is a bug
that makes it blurt out its library of horrific obscene phrases,
which were stored so kids can't type them and have it say them.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 20 Jul 1998 18:26:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Ezekiel (Feghoot)
 
On an excursion into Old Testament times, Ferdinand Feghoot became
a close friend of the Prophet Ezekiel's, and many were the long
talks they had about morals, flying wheels, and the future of man.

 
So it was that Ezekiel revealed a vision unto him: "Lo! 1 was in
what seemed a great valley of stone, and the walls thereof were
carven into seats for a multitude, and the shape thereof was the
shape of a diamond, with Angels at its four corners, and in the
middle an Archangel, holding in his hand a hard ball. This he did
throw with much force, and Angels with staves did strike at it to
no avail; and so it continued for a period, and a second period,
and five more, while the Archangel Gabriel did utter such mysteries
as 'Strike three. That's Lucifer out!' and 'End of the seventh,
still no score.' Then, on a sudden, all was changed. The Archangel
Michael smote the ball so that it flew from the valley, and three
other Angels who had reached the corners before him came running
in; and the multitude beat their wings and shouted harmoniously,
so that I was filled with great joy and awe. Then I turned, and saw
that now the Lord's seat was empty, and sadness struck me that He
was not there, and I have been depressed ever since."
 
Comfortingly, Feghoot patted the old gentleman's shoulder. "Don't
worry about it, Ezekiel," he said. "Remember...  in the big inning
God created Heaven and Earth."
 
     -By Peggy Kernerman
      (based on a character by Reginald Bretner)
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jul 1998 to 21 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
