HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1998 to 20 Jul 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 418 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Why Indians Make Bad Footballers<offensive to Indians>
  2. English
  3. Adultery <adult humor>
  4. Marketing Your Product
  5. A P.C. joke
  6. WOMAN POEM ( ADULT LANGUAGE)
  7. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  8. College Love (Pun)
 
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Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 00:40:09 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Why Indians Make Bad Footballers<offensive to Indians>
 
Q: Why do Indians make bad footballers ?
 
A: Everytime they get a corner they set up a shop.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 04:57:53 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: English
 
You will come to realise why English can be difficult as a second
language.
 
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through,
 
Well done. And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
 
And dead: It's said like bed, not bead
For goodness sake don't call it "deed".
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
 
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
 
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose;
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and work and sword
 
And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, come I've hardly made a start!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 09:37:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Adultery <adult humor>
 
* Guy went out one time with a perfect 38.
 
  Then his wife showed up with a .44 !
                           - - - - -
 
*   One of the best compliments I ever received was from a fellow
  named Dan at the State Highway.  He said that on my tombstone
  they should inscribe, "He did it all !"
    Sharon, our resident Ultra-Feminist, sneered, "I'm sure Jimmy
  would rather they be able to put 'He did them all'."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Once at a wine tasting party in Columbia, a local author was
  making the rounds trying to promote his latest book.  I asked
  a fellow there, up on literary trends, how the guy was doing.
    He said, "He'd be in great shape if his books had half the
  circulation his wife does."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Staring at the TV while her husband was reading the paper,
  the wife remarked, "We stay home entirely too much.  What's
  say we start going out at least twice a week to try & revive
  the romance we had."
    "Great idea !" replied the husband.  "You can have Tuesdays
  and Thursdays, and I'll take Mondays and Fridays."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Some people have just been around the Beltway one time too
  many I guess.  Guy I knew at the Maryland State Highway was
  sitting at his computer chuckling away one morning.  I asked
  what was so funny.
    He said, "I just found out my neighbor is paying $ 100.00
  a nite to sleep with my wife, and I get it for nothing."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 09:50:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Marketing Your Product
 
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to
purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
 
      Basic cow                               499.95
      Shipping and handling                    35.75
      Extra stomach                            79.25
      Two tone exterior                       142.10
      Produce storage compartment             126.50
      Heavy duty straw chopper                189.60
      Four spigot/high output drain system    149.20
      Automatic fly swatter                    88.50
      Genuine cowhide upholstery              179.90
      Deluxe dual horns                        59.25
      Automatic fertilizer attachment         339.40
      4 x 4 traction drive assembly           884.16
      Pre-delivery wash and comb               69.80
 
      FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:          2843.36
      Additional dealer adjustments:          300.00
 
      TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 08:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A P.C. joke
 
Two people were working on a house. The race, nationality,
religion, size, gender, level of intelligence, sexual orientation,
hair color, eye color, age, income level, personal hygiene habits,
native language, and place of residence of the two people are
unknown and unimportant to the telling of this joke. All that
matters is that the two people are
 
1) capable of driving nails, and
2) able to communicate with each other.
 
Person one who was applying the siding (made of 100% post-consumer
recycled plastic) would reach into his or her nail pouch, pull out
a nail, and either nail it into the siding or walk over and deposit
it into the metals recycling container.
 
The other person, figuring this was worth looking into, stated
"Pardon me, I hope I'm not being too nosy -- and if I am, please
tell me -- but why are you discarding those nails?"
 
The first one explained, "If I pull a nail out and it's pointed
towards me, I  do not use it because it's directionally challenged
and therefore, unfortunately, unsuitable to be nailed into the
house (although, in every other way it is perfectly equal to the
other nails, and I do not disparage it one bit because it is
challenged in this way -- which is why I place it in the recycling
bin so that it can find fulfillment and acceptance despite being
directionally challenged.)  If it is pointed toward the HOUSE, then
I nail it in.
 
The second one began to get upset, but, remembering that anger,
especially over such a trivial topic, is never good and only
escalates into the type of hatred and violence that tears a society
apart, regained her or his composure and said, "Again, I mean no
offense, and I would certainly never call into question your
intelligence (for indeed, you are equally as bright as everyone
that I know), but I think I should inform you that the direct-
ionally challenged nails can be used on the OTHER side of the
house."
 
[Note: That was the punch line; you should laugh at it.]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 09:22:49 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: WOMAN POEM ( ADULT LANGUAGE)
 
Ahhh Women...
 
              Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
               I have two mounds upon my bodice
                I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
                 I can justify any shopping spree
               Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
              Can get a massage without a hard on
 
          Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
          Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
              I always save money by using coupons
              Can admit to others when I am wrong
 
                 Don't drive in circles at any cost
             So I don't have to admit when I am lost
              Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
                   Every time I go to the john
 
                       Let me tell you men
                        Listen to me boys
                   Those things in your pants
                      That you treat as toys
              You love them more then we ever will
           We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
 
              I spend two hours preparing for a date
                Only to find you're two hours late
              I don't watch movies with lots of gore
         Don't need instant replay to remember the score
 
                       I won't lose my hair
                       I don't get jock itch
                   And just cause I'm assertive
                      Don't call me a bitch
 
            I don't wear the same underwear everyday
            The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
                       I don't go to Sears
                       To look at the tools
                      I don't cheat at poker
                        I follow the rules
 
                      I don't smoke cigars
                   Don't pay for drinks at bars
            I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
                   And it's O.K. for me to cry
 
                       I know all you men
                     Think that you're "IT"
                   But compared to a woman
                     You just ain't... poo-poo
 
       (unknown author)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 20:28:13 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING - May be offensive to Bill Gates, OJ Simpson jurors, Dan
Quayle, Bob Dylan, British semi-royalty, women, TAFKAP, and more
women.
 
Windows 98 was released. It has some really nifty features - like,
you can send your money directly into Bill Gates' bank account.
 
Mikail Markasev was found guilty of murdering Ennis Cosby. The jury
deliberated less than six hours, or as the Simpson jury would call
it, an eternity.
 
Dan Quayle hired one of the country's top campaign managers to
manage his bid for the White House in 2000. The guy was hired just
in time. Quayle was this close to coming out against HMO's in the
military.
 
The marketers of Viagra have a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin".
This is much better than the original, "Brace Yourself, Grandma!"
                    -Leno
 
Know what matters more than size? A script!  -Miller
 
A man was killed in Manila for singing off key. In a related story,
Bob Dylan has postponed his tour to the Philippines.
 
El Nino is being blamed for an increase in spiders. There are so
many, in fact, it's been difficult for many spiders to find a Web
site.
 
Investigators are moving closer to figuring out why John Denver's
plane crashed. But they still can't figure out how sunshine on your
shoulder would make you high.      -Daily Scoop
 
Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has submitted a handwritten pitch for a
book deal to Simon & Schuster. That's one piece of mail you don't
want to open. Publishers are already calling it explosive.
 
Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer - who condemned the press
for capitalizing on his sisters death - opened a Diana museum on
his estate and is charging $15 for admission. No word yet on when
he plans to market a Diana action figure.
 
Costco recalled 172,000 pounds of tainted hamburger meat. You know
the package isn't misprinted when it says, "beef potties".
 
Katie Couric has signed a $7 million a year deal to stay on
"Today". Something to think about for those of you who say, "You
couldn't pay me enough to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning."
 
Rumors are that CompUSA may not purchase Computer City from the
company that owns Radio Shack after all. Apparently the
negotiations broke down when CompUSA refused to give Radio Shack
their home phone number.
 
Elizabeth Taylor may star in a movie called "The Visit". It's
always a good marketing ploy to put Liz in a movie. Even if only
her husbands show up, you're guaranteed a good opening weekend.
 
Madonna will make her London stage debut in Tennessee Williams'
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" next summer. It will be a faithful
rendition of the play, except for one thing - the title will be
changed to "Cat in a Hot Tin Bra".
 
Cable network TNT is producing a made for TV version of the 80's
series, CHiPs, which will reunite original cast members Erik
Estrada and Larry Wilcox in their roles as Ponch and Jon. Can you
believe they were available?       -Miller
 
A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine says it doesn't
harm women to walk around while they are in labor. Great! This
means she can do some light housework, like replacing those loose
shingles before heading off to the hospital.
 
There is a new nail polish that changes colors as your mood
changes. The darker the color, the worse your mood is. This is a
godsend for guys. No more asking the wife if there is something
wrong. You walk in the house, you see that black nail polish, get
the heck outta there!         -Leno
 
A Los Angeles clinic reported excellent results from a pregnancy
prevention study begun in 1993 that was targeted at men. So far,
this program has been 100% effective - in five years, not one man
became pregnant!
 
According to a new survey, New York's water was chosen as the
second best drinking water in the country. Of course, the most
popular water in the country still comes from Cindy Crawford's
bathtub.
 
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has a new album out. It's
called "The Songs Formerly Known As Hits."
 
The Department of Agriculture says salsa is a vegetable. This is
the same USDA that sought to count catsup as a vegetable in 1981.
Other condiments under consideration include mustard, mayonnaise,
and the Spice Girls.
 
Scientists announced that fruit flies implanted with certain human
genes live up to 40% longer. Is this really a problem, fruit flies
not living long enough? Do we really need older fruit flies?
 
And finally, another USA survey found that 3 out of 4 people make
up 75% of the population.          -Letterman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 23:05:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: College Love (Pun)
 
An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and
dropped out of school to live with her young man. She wrote her
parents that she had...  put the heart before the course.
 
What had attracted her to this romantic youth was his smoldering
dark gaze, and his deep blue irises. At first she was very happy,
happier than she had ever been in her life.

Within six months, however, he abandoned her and left her
heartbroken, proving that... She loved not Wellesley but two eyes.
 
          -Based on a pun by Helen Weil
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jul 1998 to 20 Jul 1998
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