HUMOR Digest - 18 Jul 1998 to 19 Jul 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 444 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Kids
  2. HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1998 to 17 Jul 1998
  3. Stuck On You
  4. The modem is the message
  5. product warnings
  6. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  7. Two attorneys
  8. Bruce Willis Moie (Sexual Pun)
  9. The Barber Shop
 10. The Ultimate Computer
 
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Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 04:33:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Kids
 
*   I guess I was just born at the wrong time.  When I was growing
  up, anything and everything was the kid's fault.
    During the 60's, when I was helping Mrs JimJr to raise our
  kids, it seems anything and everything was the parent's fault.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Those of you who have raised kids know how dramatic they
  can be during their teen years.  I came home one day to find
  my daughter, Sandy, in tears. Bravely, I asked what was wrong.
    She said, "Your wife has been impossible all day.  We just
  had another terrible scene."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Recently my Grandson, JimJr JrJr was visibly upset as he spent
  an overnite at our house.  It took me forever to prod out of him
  what the problem was.
    "Mommy and Daddy have lost their book on how to raise me and
  they're trying to do it on their own." he replied near tears.
                           - - - - -
 
*   This past week, another Grandson spent a few days with us.  As
  we were watching TV in the Family Room, I saw his gaze turn from
  the TV to the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on either side of the
   fireplace."Quite a collection, isn't it Laine ?" I asked.
    "Yes." he replied.  "We get books from the library too, but
  Mommy makes us take them back."
                           - - - - -
 
*   In these modern times, I guess it's hard for kids to understand
  both technology and nature.  When my Granddaughter, Christina,
  was young, she marveled as I showed her about our place pointing
  out spiders, butterflies, groundhogs and all wonders of nature.
    She was especially interested in all the different kinds of
  birds about.  After seeing the 4th or 5th different variety, she
  asked, "Pop Pop ? Are all those birds made by the same company ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 08:01:19 EDT
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1998 to 17 Jul 1998
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 10:57:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Stuck On You
 
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The
salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes".
 
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the
salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "yes."

The salesman said,"well can I see her?"
 
Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too."
 
The salesman  then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?" 
 
Johnny laughed this time and said "no."
 
The salesman asked why. "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me
for the vaseline I gave him some super glue."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 09:59:40 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The modem is the message
 
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with
pride as her daughter carefully enunciated each word right up to
the end.

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some
E-mail. Amen."
 
          -Thanks to RAINYBOW
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 17:59:39 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: product warnings
 
The following are possible product warnings that might be required
on a package of any and every product, based on the laws of
physics.
                      * * * * * * * * * *
 
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
 
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
 
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of
85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
 
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
 
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
 
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May
Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages
or Inconvenience That May Result.
 
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next
Four Hundred Million Years.
 
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
 
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of
the Universe.
 
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently
Guaranteed.
 
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
 
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is
TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers
No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
 
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to
Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
 
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons,etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
 
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass,and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to the User.
 
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
Guaranteed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 10:58:36 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING - may be offensive to Kenneth Starr (sorry Jack, couldn't
leave it alone), Dan Quayle, impotent men, downsized employees of
Motorola, Southern Baptists, women, men, the Amish, snails, the
Navy, sufferers of Tourette's syndrome. Includes childish
references to masturbatory practices.
 
The grand jury judge in the Starr - Clinton investigation has told
lawyers for Kenneth Starr and President Clinton that there are to
be no more leaks to the press. That information was, of course,
immediately leaked to the press.
 
Ken Starr has Secret Service agents testifying. He wants White
House lawyers to testify. He wants private investigators to
testify. He wants personal secretaries to testify. He was even
seen on the White House lawn, trying to get Buddy to speak.
 
In the recent California governor's race, the big loser was Al
Checchi, who spent $40 million of his own money and has nothing to
show for it. Kenneth Starr said, "Tell me about it." (Leno)
 
Dan Quayle may be running for president. He said if he doesn't get
the nomination in 2000, he'll try again four years later, in the
year 6000.          -Leno
 
Scientists now believe that El Nino is responsible for making our
days one tenth of a millisecond longer. That's a relief. I thought
I was imagining it.
 
Tornadoes, brush fires, flooding and draught have bombarded the
U.S. in the last two months. It's becoming a political issue. This
week, Al Gore called for less violence on the Weather Channel.
 
The FDA is looking into the deaths of six men who were taking
Viagra. The sad thing is, to impotent guys, death is just a minor
side effect.        -Leno
 
Two Amish men in Pennsylvania were arrested for distributing
cocaine. Police knew they were on to something when they discovered
a crack barn.
 
Actor Charlton Heston was elected president of the National Rifle
Association. The NRA has waited a long time for man of his caliber.
 
Motorola is laying off 15,000 people. The good news is, the company
is giving them 30 free minutes to clear out their desks.
 
Despite his recent death and burial, the Sinatra family announced
that Frank Sinatra is doing fine and should recover soon.
 
A Southern Baptist group declared that men should be the leader of
the household and that women should submit to their men's wishes.
The group also declared they'll be sleeping on the couch until
further notice.          -O'Brien
 
Astronomers are claiming that Pluto is not really a planet. Of
course not, he's a dog.
 
Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle
sexual harassment claims. In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to
change the name of its upcoming new car, the Bimbo.
 
Researchers say an infection could be responsible for Tourette's
syndrome, a disease causing involuntary outbursts of noise and
swearing. Truck drivers appear to be especially susceptible to the
infection.
 
When Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls, a reporter commented to the
remaining girls that they are now a quartet. One of them replied,
"Please, no math."
 
Ginger Spice says she left over differences. I think we can rule
out creative.       -Leno
 
George Michaels is writing his autobiography. An early reviewer
called it a touching- self portrait.
 
I would like to send this message to my neighbors - that wasn't an
earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce that I now
have nuclear weapons.         -Miller
 
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
          -Youngman
 
According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices on a
woman is her eyes. According to another survey, men lie a lot!
 
Scientists have discovered a new species of snail. Well, it took
them long enough.
 
Sailors have long complained that the Navy's uniforms are decades
out of date, making it impossible to find a matching purse and
pumps.
 
Die? That's the last thing I'll do!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 15:50:46 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Two attorneys
 
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.  Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
 
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
 
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and
then exchanged sandwiches.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 13:42:51 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Bruce Willis Moie (Sexual Pun)
 
Have you heard about the new movie Bruce Willis wants to make? He's
interested in playing the role of a man who is planning to commit
suicide by overdosing on Viagra.
 
The film will be titled... Armageddon Ready To Die Hard.
 
          -By Art Serating
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 20:06:51 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The Barber Shop
 
This guy sticks his head into a Zeigelbaum's barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"  The Sol Zeigelbaum barber
looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
 
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"  Again, Sol looks around at
shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
 
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"  The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
 
Sol looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes."  In a little while, Bill comes
back into the shop laughing hysterically.
 
Sol asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
 
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 19 Jul 1998 05:01:43 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: The Ultimate Computer
 
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour
eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his
prepared demo.  "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It
will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to
ask it".
 
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one -
and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my
father"? he asked.
 
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the
manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little
card popped out.  On it were printed the words "Fishing off
Florida".
 
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!!
 
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on
his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was
unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might
care to rephrase his question and try again?
 
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time
said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
 
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
 
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:
"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jul 1998 to 19 Jul 1998
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