HUMOR Digest - 17 Jul 1998 to 18 Jul 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 599 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Meet the Tate Family
  2. How's that Again ???
  3. Roulette
  4. How to Repel People
  5. Camping Tips <clean>
  6. Top5 - 7/17/98 - Your Online Relationship Sucks
  7. Lonely Guy(Adult Content)
  8. The TRUE powers of crystals... REVEALED
     [offensive to people who believe in the power of crystals]
  9. "I'm Fine!"
 10. Potato<disgusting>
 11. Ashes to Asses
 12. Class of  48 (Pun)
 13. Maths Week!:Proofs! <clean,for Maths people ONLY;-)>
 
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Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 02:49:45 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Meet the Tate Family
 
You may have heard about the Tate family. They're in every
organization.
 
There is Dic-Tate, who wants to run everything. Ro-Tate is always
trying to change things. Agi-Tate stirs up trouble wherever
possible, with the help of Irri-Tate.
 
Every time new ideas are suggested, Hesi-Tate and Vege-Tate are
there to say the ideas won't work. Imi-Tate wants to copy other
organizations and not anything new. Devas-Tate loves to be
disruptive, Poten-Tate wants to be the big shot.
 
But it's Facili-Tate, Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate who always save the
day and get everyone pulling together.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 03:32:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: How's that Again ???
 
*   The young couple was at a new car dealer's showroom and were
  taken aback by the price of a compact car.  The husband asked
  why the smaller car cost almost as much as the full-sized model.
    "Well..." the salesman replied, "if you want economy, you've
  got to pay for it."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done
  all the work on his house.  "You did a great job." he said and
  handed the man a check.  "Also, in order to thank-you, here's
  an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
    Later that nite, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
  Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the
  matter, did you forget something ?"
    "Nope." replied the painter.  "I'm just here to take your
  missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The pretty blonde cashier at the Giant Grocery Store told her
  manager she needed some time off to rest-up because she wasn't
  looking her best.  "Nonsense !" he said, "You look fine !"
    "No way !!!" replied the blonde.  "The men are beginning to
  count their change now."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A local teen approached Chuck Sharp, the owner of a farm near
  me, and asked for a summer job.  Chuck being short-handed agreed
  at once.  "What do you pay ?" asked the youth.
    Chuck said, "Well... I'll watch you work a day or two, then,
  I'll pay you what you're worth."
    As the kid turned to walk away, he sneered, "No way am I gonna
  work for that amount of money."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Yuppie entered a custom tailor shop to order a new suit.
  The tailor said it would take at least 60 days.  "Sixty days ?"
  the man said astounded. "Why the Bible says the Lord created the
  entire planet in just six."
    "Yes... True..." answered the tailor.  "But... have you taken
  a good look at it lately ???"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 03:46:54 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: Roulette
 
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,
dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia
had to offer.
 
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As
your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our
traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of
this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at
your head, and pull the trigger."
 
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a
warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men
took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
 
[click] [click]
 
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh
of relief.
 
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous
game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian
Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
 
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian
with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading
him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador
spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African
roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the
only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
 
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful
members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a
blowjob - take your pick".
 
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said
"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the
danger?"
 
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 07:12:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How to Repel People
 
Here's a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone on
long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc).
 
 1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have
    her skin to remember her by.
 2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
 3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground
    really miss me.
 4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
 5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me
    gas.
 6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
 7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man
    next to me!
 8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
 9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my
    nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to
    mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about
    you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my
    own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or
    not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat -
    that'll wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right
    behind the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has
    really taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at
    the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was
    doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old
    boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard
    clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a
    tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are
    we still legally brother and sister?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 13:12:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Camping Tips <clean>
 
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
 
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking
them over an open fire.
 
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
 
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
A hot enchilada works almost as well, but as the cheese cools it
will stick between your toes.
 
You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an
unlisted number.
 
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine
in his sleeping bag.
 
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss
Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade
functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
 
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to
stay dry in a downpour.  Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch,
however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the
wilderness experience.
 
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning:  Remove
lint from navel before applying the match.
 
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
 
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.
 
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.
Shine a flashlight into one ear.  If the beam shines out the other
ear, do not go into the woods alone.
 
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
 
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
 
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly
country. The tricky part is getting the bells on the bears.
 
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.
 
          -From: Kitty's Daily Mews
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 07:22:07 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/17/98 - Your Online Relationship Sucks
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                          Got Chester?
    The Top 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
 
14> You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name,
    and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
 
13> You: Large, hairy man.
    Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
 
12> Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable"
    but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
 
11> After months of shared experiences and emotional investments,
    she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword
    when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
 
10> "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from
    you again."
 
 9> Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little
    Top 5 List.
 
 8> Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference
    to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
 
 7> You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.
 
 6> You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent
    because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
 
 5> He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF
    looks like some geek who works for a software company.
 
 4> Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com
    has become cold and distant.
 
 3> She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com
 
 2> Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship
    with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
 
         and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Online
          Relationship Isn't Working Out...
 
 1> In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of
    your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the
    geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 10:14:12 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Lonely Guy(Adult Content)
 
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender
watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand.
He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time
the bartender asks him what's going on. "Why are you pouring that
drink on your hand"?
 
The man smiles at him , winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk".
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 08:29:43 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The TRUE powers of crystals... REVEALED
         [offensive to people who believe in the power of crystals]
 
The TRUE powers of crystals...
 
Amethyst        May hurt if you fall on it in your pocket
Rose Quartz     May give you stomach ache if you swallow it
Tourmaline      Prevents hearing if you jam it in your ear
Aquamarine      Can be easily lost at the bottom of your handbag
Carnelian       Stays in your hand if you hold on to it
Jade            Looks astonishingly like a crystal
Ruby            Will NEVER become a piece of cheese
Coral           Will not do anything if you put it in your car
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 14:21:28 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: "I'm Fine!"
 
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident)
to court.  In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning farmer Joe.   "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned the lawyer.
 
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
 
"I didn't ask for any details,"  the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'"
 
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."
 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
 
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer
and said to the lawyer,  "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule Bessie."
 
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,  "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her.   After he looked at her he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you
feeling?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 10:56:52 -0500
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@GU.PRO.EC>
Subject: Potato<disgusting>
 
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women
on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian
(Vladamir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was
the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
 
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many
           beautiful women?"
 
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret... just between you
       and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
 
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
 
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come
       to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the
       women see it they come running from miles around."
 
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
 
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked
out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He
then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
 
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women
AND men began to take notice of him.
 
"Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they
were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by
the sight of him.
 
He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why
isn't it working?"
 
Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 18:00:14 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Ashes to Asses
 
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
 
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
 
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going
to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
 
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my butt
up just one more time."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 21:35:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Class of  48 (Pun)
 
I just returned from my fiftieth high school reunion. The Romans of
Los Angeles Hi. Class of '48. The Marina Marriott was packed.
Everyone was there. We had changed little since we had last met ten
years ago. Oh, we had aged a little. But there was no real change.
 
We spent most of the time reminiscing on the good times we had
during our high school days. What most of us remembered most
vividly was the semester we were offered a class in Accounting.
This was an innovative experimental class that had never been tried
before. And because of us, it has never been offered again.
 
You see we were very independent teen-agers in those post-war days.
We were interested in ideals about equality and the future, not in
accounting... So we rapidly lost our interest and attacked the
principal.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 18 Jul 1998 11:04:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!:Proofs! <clean,for Maths people ONLY;-)>
 
For all those serious Maths buffs....lemmas and theorems!
 
1.  Lemma:  All horses are of the same colour.
 
Proof (by induction):

Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
          horses in that set are the same colour.
 
Case n=k:  Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of
           these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.
           Suppose that all of these horses are the same colour.
           Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a
           different one.  Suppose that all of the k horses now in
           the set are the same colour.  Then the set of k+1 horses
           are all the same colour.  We have k true => k+1 true;
           therefore all horses are of the same color.
 
 
2.  Theorem:  All horses have an infinite number of legs.
 
Proof (by intimidation):
 
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.
It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two
legs in back.

4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
 
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have
an infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a
different colour; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/1603
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jul 1998 to 18 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
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