HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1998 to 17 Jul 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 442 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Moore on Religion
  2. The modem is the message
  3. Tough Canuck (mildly adult)
  4. Top5 - 7/16/98 - Afterschool Specials for the 90s
  5. Quotes about relationships (inoffensive)
  6. <humor> Oh no, another Blonde joke (suggestive)
  7. How's It Hanging...? <adult>
  8. Y2K & Elephant Stew
  9. Ventriloquist Cowboy<adult>
 10. Maths Week!:The Abduction <clean>
 11. The Case of the Chinese Furrier (pun)
 
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Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 03:43:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Religion
 
* Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy ?"
  Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
  Son: "Thought so.  Bet it won't do me any good either."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt
  for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.
    "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the
  little girl replied.  "He'll be just as surprised as I was at
  not getting a dollar like usual."
                           - - - - -
 
* Not sure about other countries, but here in the US, we often have
  groups come to our homes (especially on Saturdays) soliciting us
  to join their religion.  Stealing a line from Groucho Marx, I
  told one fervent zealot that I wouldn't dare belong to any Church
  that would welcome me, with open arms, as a member.
                           - - - - -
 
*   As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all
  dressed for Church entered the room.  "Dad ?" he said, "I have a
  question."
    "What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing his
  eyes from the screen.
    "When am I going to be old enuff not to go to Church either ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the
  neighborhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked
  what it was they were doing.  "We're playing church." one said.
    The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we've
  already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon.  Now, we're all
  outside smoking."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 04:19:30 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The modem is the message
 
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with
pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end
"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail..
Amen".
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 07:05:20 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tough Canuck (mildly adult)
 
Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other
from Canada are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
Californian desert, each with the bravado for which they are
famous. A night of tall tales begins........
 
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the
horns, with my bare hands."
 
The guy from Arkansas can't stand to bested. "Why I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me.  I grabbed that snake with my
bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one
gulp.  And I'm still here today!"
 
The Canadian remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 08:02:31 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/16/98 - Afterschool Specials for the 90s
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         July 16, 1998
          The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90s
 
13> Joey's E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret
    Service
 
12> Larry Learns About Leather
 
11> My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
 
10> It's a Mall World After All
 
 9> RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous,
    Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
 
 8> I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
 
 7> Look Before Crossdressing
 
 6> The Littlest Testicle
 
 5> Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny
 
 4> If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don=92t Get Your Nipple
    Pierced
 
 3> Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
 
 2> Yikes!  My Boobs are Growing!
 
    and Top5's Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s...
 
 1> Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to
    Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 09:02:22 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Quotes about relationships (inoffensive)
 
"Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
          -Author Unnamed
 
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest
that perhaps they're too old to do it.      - Ann Bancroft
 
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
          - Bill Cosby
 
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
          - Rita Rudner
 
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
          - Benjamin Franklin
 
My wife dresses to kill.  She cooks the same way.
          - Henny Youngman
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
          - Rodney Dangerfield
 
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
          - Milton Berle
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
          - George Burns
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.         - Cindy Garner
 
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
          - Elaine Boosler
 
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water
in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the
lake."    - Henny Youngman
 
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
          - Phyllis Diller
 
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
          - Rita Rudner
 
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
          - Henny Youngman
 
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at
least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago,
I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.    - Erma Bombeck
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 14:39:21 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Oh no, another Blonde joke (suggestive)
 
A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day.
 
As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the
girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having
some difficulty walking.
 
The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something?
You're walking very strangely."
 
The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers
in my hair."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 15:19:00 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: How's It Hanging...? <adult>
 
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed
that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air
Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
 
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it."
 
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture
and feel of it.
 
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it."
 
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.
 
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just
make his legs longer?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 17:07:45 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Y2K & Elephant Stew
 
I've been studying the Year 2000 (Y2K) problem. As you know, the
problem is caused by using only 2 digits for the date and is solved
by using 4 digits for the date. Some solution that is! It just
postpones the problem because in the year 10,000 we'll have the
problem again.
 
Geez, how shortsighted can these people be -- they're just
postponing, not solving, the problem. I think we need to be using
100 digit numbers so that by the time it becomes a problem again,
the universe will be long gone.
                    ----------
 
Elephant Stew
 
2 Rabbits (Optional)
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy
 
Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces.  This should take about
two months.  Add enough brown gravy to cover.  Cook over kerosene
fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. This will serve 3800
people.  If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do
this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in
their stew.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 20:05:58 EDT
From:    Renee' Medlin <NEEMED@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ventriloquist Cowboy<adult>
 
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting
on his porch with his dog. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak
to him?"
 
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
 
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
 
Dog: "Doin alright"
 
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
 
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
 
Dog: "Yep."
 
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
 
Dog: "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
      and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
 
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
 
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
 
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
 
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
 
Horse: "Cool."
 
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
 
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
 
Horse: "Yep."
 
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
 
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly,
        brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
        me from the elements."
 
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
 
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
 
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...
         "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 17 Jul 1998 10:11:40 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!:The Abduction <clean>
 
There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who
kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with
plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
 
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can
opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar
to make an explosive, and escaped.
 
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was
developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
 
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped
calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in
blood:
 
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite...

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 18:59:56 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Case of the Chinese Furrier (pun)
 
Sherlock Holmes was involved in far more cases than were ever
reported in the literature of the day. One that comes to mind has
occasionally been referred to as "The case of the Chinese Furrier",
and I do not intend to tell the whole of it. I am just going to
tell of the scene, and how the case started.
 
Before actually starting on the case, Holmes described what he
knew of the case to Dr. Watson: "It seems that a Chinese immigrant,
one Lee Gan Hoo, established a furriers. It seems that he was not
completely legitimate; some of his clients came for the quality
product sold from his back room. Eventually, he started looking
after the quality product, and turned operation of the furriers
itself over to his son.
 
Unfortunately, his son paid more attention to games involving
hitting balls with bats than he did to the fur trade. Eventually he
realized that although his koala-tea was successful, the son had
been swindled out of a large number of expensive koala-fur coats."
"That's what we are to investigate.
 
You know my methods, Watson. Where shall we start?"
 
As often, playing an almost comedic role, Watson stopped short:
"This isn't cricket, Holmes. I don't give a darn."
 
"Come now, Watson, we have to make a fast start at this case
somewhere, you don't want to be a half-fast biographer: We work on
the two bases of facts and deductions."
 
"I don't know, Holmes. That's the third base, man."
 
Of course, Holmes had an appropriate comment as well as a logical
starting point for the investigation... "Hoo's son furs, Watson;
See conned."
                    -By Liquor
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1998 to 17 Jul 1998
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