HUMOR Digest - 15 Jul 1998 to 16 Jul 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 724 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Ending All Discrimination
  2. Only in America <clean>
  3. Did You ever Wonder?
  4. The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
     (Yes, kids, these are REAL.)
  5. Rudolph <pun>
  6. SECOND CHANCES(ADULT LANGUAGE and Content)
  7. Top5 - 7/15/98 - Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously
  8. Chicken Quotes: The Notorious
  9. 90's Dictionary Additions
 10. Top Signs You're Taking "The X-Files Too Seriously
 11. Engineers-last batch <not offensive>
 12. Confucius & Chinese Dictionary (Adult Themes)
 13. Maths Week!:Elementary Deductions <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 03:40:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Ending All Discrimination
 
The other day I did some fat/skinny jokes.  It seems I offended
members of NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance),
as well as ISSA (International Size Acceptance Association). Like
Dave Barry, I'm gonna swear I'm not making this up.  Honest !!!
Both are real groups and both have Web Pages.
 
Anyway, this opened-up a totally new concept to me.  Suppose some
of the other groups disdained by society, discriminated against &
the butt of jokes were to organize.  You might soon see:
 
ADOW - Aggressive Drivers Organization - Worldwide
 
CAMS - Cocaine And Marijuana Society
 
CATT - Car And Truck Thieves
 
COTT - Cops On The Take
 
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
 
DOMM - Dirty Old Men of Maryland
 
GEGO - Government Employees Goofing Off
 
GOBS - Good Old Boys Society
 
HASS - Husbands Abusing Spouses Society
 
LOCP - Lovers Of Child Pornography
 
MAMI - Misunderstood Axe Murderers Inc.
 
NAIS - North American Imbibers Society
 
NAPP - National Association of Pick-Pockets
 
NASS - National AIDS Spreaders Society
 
NOMA - National Organization of Maligned Attorneys
 
NOOS - National Organization Of Shop-Lifters
 
OYAW - Organized Yuppies Accumulating Wealth
 
PICA - Parents Into Child Abuse
 
SPID - Society Promoting Illegal Drugs
 
SPOW - Sexual Perverts Organization - Worldwide
 
STAB - Society of Terrorists and Bombers
 
UPUT - Ugly People United Together
 
UTIB - Underage Teens Into Beer
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 12:47:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Only in America <clean>
 
               Only in America...
 
- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
 
- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
 
- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
  and a diet coke
 
- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
  to the counters
 
- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
  and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
 
- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
  waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
  talk to in the first place
 
- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
  eight
 
- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
  "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
  creatures"
 
               (Sent by an American friend)
 
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 07:19:05 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Did You ever Wonder?
 
              Haven't You Ever Wondered...
 
 1. Why men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear
    better?
 2. How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
 3. Why you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is
    dead?
 4. Why they are called buildings when they're already finished?
 5. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
 6. Why people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask
    what time it is?
 7. Why you ask someone without a watch what time it is in the
    first place?
 8. Why banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
    already know you don't have?
 9. Why it is that you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
10. Why the alphabet is in that order?
11. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
    would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
12. Why a carrot is more orange than an orange?
13. If fish get cramps after eating?
14. Why there are 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
15. Why they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
    charge of everything outdoors?
16. Why scientists call it research when looking for something new?
17. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
18. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
    progress?
19. Why lemon juice is mostly artificial ingredients but
    dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
20. Why we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
    suitcase?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 12:12:52 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
         (Yes, kids, these are REAL.)
 
 1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
 5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know
    I've Been A Liar All My Life?
 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
 9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
    Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else
    Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
    Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping
    Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From
    Breakin' Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're
    Walking In
41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 10:39:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rudolph <pun>
 
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he
said to his wife.
 
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".
 
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them.
 
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the
official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
 
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
 
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear"!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 09:42:59 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: SECOND CHANCES(ADULT LANGUAGE and Content)
 
Elvis, River Phoenix and Liberace are all hanging out up in heaven
and getting a little bored with fluffy white clouds and angels
playing harps. Elvis eventually says to Archangel Gabriel, "Look,
we're bored up here, man. Can we be resurrected on Earth for a day,
just to break the monotony?"
 
Gabriel, not too sure about it, thinks awhile, and eventually
agrees; "But only if you promise not to revert back to any of your
former sins... If you do, you're going straight to hell."
 
Elvis, River, and Liberace all agree, and find themselves on Earth.
As they walk along, Elvis spots a bar and, unable to resist the
temptation, heads towards it.  As he touches the door handle,
*WHOOF* he's gone. River, shocked by this, utters, "Holy shit, man!
Gabriel wasn't joking when he said we'd go straight to hell..." 
 
"Nevermind, nothing we can do, The King's gone now kid.  Let's go"
 
And, they continue walking along the road, when River spots a $5
bag of cocaine lying on the pavement.  Just as he bends over to
pick it up, *WHOOF*... Liberace disappears.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 11:10:01 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/15/98 - Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously
 
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         July 15, 1998
   The Top 13 Signs You're Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously
 
13> Every morning, you march into Starbucks and ask for a cup of
    "The Black Oil."
 
12> You dropped out of high school, married your cousin, exposed
    yourself to a career counselor, and got fired from the car
    assembly plant because you thought that "someone else" would
    finish every other weld -- and you believe a government
    conspiracy prevented you from getting that job with IBM.
 
11> You conclude that every woman in your office is an alien clone,
    because of their cold indifference to your invitations to the
    planetarium.
 
10> You're spending so much time looking for evidence of a global
    conspiracy, you've gotten behind in translating the collected
    works of Piers Anthony into Klingon.
 
 9> "Alien Autopsy Buffet" night at the sports bar you own is not
    drawing crowds.
 
 8> You color your hair red, start wearing designer pants-suits,
    and speaking in a low monotone -- and your name's Bob.
 
 7> Persistent belief in the existence of straight FBI agents makes
    you the laughingstock of the Joint Chiefs.
 
 6> You see a connection between the upcoming alien invasion and
    the FDA's approval of a fat substitute that causes "anal
    leakage."
 
 5> What most people call a beer gut you call a systematic
    governmental plot to destroy you.
 
 4> Your best "puzzled David Duchovny" looks a lot more like a
    "constipated Jack Nicholson."
 
 3> Goodbye, Spock ears.  Hello, prosthetic arm.
 
 2> Your new "The Truth Is Out There" tattoo is only fully visible
    an hour after taking your Viagra.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're Taking
       "The X-Files" Too Seriously...
 
 1> Every time you relieve yourself, you gaze into the bowl
    and yell, "Scully, there's something in here I think you
    should see!"
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 11:28:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: The Notorious
 
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
 
23. The Notorious
 
Marv Albert: Well, actually he was cross dressing.
 
Ami Amin: A hundred chicken heads will fall for this dastardly act.
 
Lizzie Bordon: I'm just a little girl and an orphan. How could I
               know a chicken with its head chopped off could still
               run.
 
Lorena Bobbitt: She was a cut above the others
 
Mr. Bobbitt: Something was missing from his life on this side.
 
Robert Dornan: They were illegals stealing the election from a real
               American.
 
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
                 The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
                 trample him and keep him down.
 
Hugh Grant: He was up to his old tricks.

 
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
                quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
                it.
 
Rodney King: Why can't the chicken just cross the road?
 
Ted Kaczynski: To mail a letter.
 
Mark Lane: There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did
           not act alone.
 
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the
               Establishment would let it take.
 
Mary Kay LeTourneau: To teach a young cock a lesson.
 
Monica Levinski: She had been offered a missionary position, so she
                 came across to get a head of the leader.
 
L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and
                        I'll find out.
 
Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who must be
               Bar-B-Qued on the stake.
 
Charles Manson: It was Helter Skelter.
 
Col. Oliver North:
(1) I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these
    occurences.
(2) National Security was at stake.
 
O. J. Simpson:
(1) It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
(2) He didn't. But if he had, it would have been because he loved
    her very much.
(3) To find the real killer.
 
Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he had
                 stepped over the line when he crossed the road.
                 What was I supposed to do, ignore it.
 
Kenneth Starr:
(1) It proves there was a cover-up and something pretty foul was
    going on.
(2) In view of President Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry
    Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under
    investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater
    affair.
 
Willie Sutton: Because that's where the money is.
 
Linda Trapp: She told me everything & I have the tapes to prove it.
 
Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!
 
Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 15:04:50 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: 90's Dictionary Additions
 
- Body Nazis:  Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who
     look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
- Seagull Manager:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
     shits all over everything and then leaves.
- Chainsaw Consultant:  An outside expert brought in to reduce the
     employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- SITCOMs:  What yuppies turn into when they have children and one
     of them stops working to stay home with the kids.  Stands for
     'Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.'
- Starter Marriage:  A short-lived first marriage that ends in
     divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- Swiped-Out:  An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
     because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Tourists:  People who take training classes just to get a
     vacation from their jobs.  We had three serious students in
     the class; the rest were just tourists.
- Xerox subsidy:  Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones
     workplace.
- Assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb
     success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather
     than working hard.
- Flight Risk:  Used to describe employees who are suspected of
     planning to leave a company or department soon.
- GOOD Job:  A Get-Out-Of-Debt job.  A well-paying job people take
     in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as
     soon as they are solvent again.
- Irritainment:  Entertainment and media spectacles that are
     annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
     The O.J. trials were a prime example.
- Uninstalled:  Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voicemail
     of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm:  "You have
     reached the number of an uninstalled vice president.  Please
     dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."
     See also Decruitment.
- Vulcan Nerve Pinch:  The taxing hand position required to reach
     all the appropriate keys for certain commands.  For instance,
     the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously
     pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and
     the Power On key.
-Yuppie Food Stamps:  The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
     everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a
     meal: "We owe $10 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food
     stamps."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 19:05:21 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Signs You're Taking "The X-Files Too Seriously
 
13> Every morning, you march into Starbucks and ask for a cup of
    "The Black Oil."
 
12> You dropped out of high school, married your cousin, exposed
    yourself to a career counselor, and got fired from the car
    assembly plant because you thought that "someone else" would
    finish every other weld -- and you believe a government
    conspiracy prevented you from getting that job with IBM.
 
11> You conclude that every woman in your office is an alien clone,
    because of their cold indifference to your invitations to the
    planetarium.
 
10> You're spending so much time looking for evidence of a global
    conspiracy, you've gotten behind in translating the collected
    works of Piers Anthony into Klingon.
 
 9> "Alien Autopsy Buffet" night at the sports bar you own is not
    drawing crowds.
 
 8> You color your hair red, start wearing designer pants-suits,
    and speaking in a low monotone -- and your name's Bob.
 
 7> Persistent belief in the existence of straight FBI agents makes
    you the laughingstock of the Joint Chiefs.
 
 6> You see a connection between the upcoming alien invasion and
    the FDA's approval of a fat substitute that causes "anal
    leakage."
 
 5> What most people call a beer gut you call a systematic
    governmental plot to destroy you.
 
 4> Your best "puzzled David Duchovny" looks a lot more like a
    "constipated Jack Nicholson."
 
 3> Goodbye, Spock ears.  Hello, prosthetic arm.
 
 2> Your new "The Truth Is Out There" tattoo is only fully visible
    an hour after taking your Viagra.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're
    Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously...
 
 1> Every time you relieve yourself, you gaze into the bowl
    and yell, "Scully, there's something in here I think you
    should see!"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 17:50:41 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Engineers-last batch <not offensive>
 
Comprehending Engineers
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.  One said, ``It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
 
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous
systems many thousands of electrical connections.''
 
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
                *************************
 
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
 
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
 
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer"Yeah.  If you
have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
                *************************
 
An engineering student was walking across campus when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
 
"Where did you get such a great bike?"asked the first.
 
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said 'Take what you want.'"
 
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 19:29:22 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Confucius & Chinese Dictionary (Adult Themes)
 
Confucius Say...
 
-"Baseball wrong... man with four balls cannot walk!"
-"Virgin like balloon... one prick, all gone."
-"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
-"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to
  end up with splitting headache."
-"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
-"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!"
-"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
-"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
-"Man who drive like hell is bound to get there!"
-"Man who sit on tack get point!"
-"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
-"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
-"Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!"
-"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
-"War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
-"Man go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."
-"Those who quote me are fools."
-"Confucius say too damn much!"
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
The Chinese dictionary
 
Are You harboring a Fugitive? -HU YU HAI DING?
Approach me - KUM HIA
Stupid fellow - DUM GAI
Small horse - TAI NI PO NI
Did someone fertilize the field? - HU FLUNG DUNG?
Prices are too high here - NO BAI DAM TING
Late night Peking talk show - JAH NI KA SUN
I bumped into a coffee table - AI BANG MAI NI
Have you considered a face lift? - CHIN TU FAT
You trying to save electricity? - WAI SO DIM
Time until next bus arrives - HAO LONG WEI TING
You're blowing your diet - WAI YU MUN CHING?
Keep out of pond - NOH WEI DING
Tow-Away zone - NO PA KING
The latest Michael Jackson release - WAI YU SING DUM SONG?
You are not bright - YU SO DUM
I don't deserve to die!! - WAI HANG MI?!
How 'bout staying awhile - WAI GO NAO
Our meeting was last week - WAI YU KUM NAO?
They are approaching - HIA DEI KUM
Remain out of sight - LEI LO
Cleaning automobile - WA SHING KAH
Premature infant - TAI NI BEI BI
Cigarettes are bad for you - NO TSMO KING
Your body odor is offensive - SHU MAN GO
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 16 Jul 1998 09:45:01 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!:Elementary Deductions <clean>
 
The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.
 
Says, "Go and multiply."
 
Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
 
"What's the problem?" says Noah.
 
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
 
Noah follows their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks
on the snakes again.  Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.
 
Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
 
"Certainly", say the snakes, "We're adders, and we need logs to
multiply."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jul 1998 to 16 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
