HUMOR Digest - 14 Jul 1998 to 15 Jul 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 698 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Eagle (Pun)
  2. It's a Funny Life...
  3. This Years Darwin Awards
  4. Top Secret Win98 code <geeky>
  5. American Beer <adult>
  6. For The Money
  7. Abort, Retry, Ignore?
  8. Telecommunication Revolution (clean)
  9. Amish woman (adult theme)
 10. The pig with three legs (general)
 11. "Follow the Leader" game (adult theme)
 12. Vacation (clean)
 13. Bon voyage
 14. Exercise Truths <just plain dumb>
 15. Jewish Joy
 16. Maths Week!:Are You A Mathematician? <clean>
 17. golf jokes <suggestive>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 23:29:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Eagle (Pun)
 
I was walking across campus with my friend, Doug when he suddenly
pointed up at a large bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's
an eagle!"
 
"That doesn't look like it's an eagle," I remarked.
 
"Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly, "It's
travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that... eagles are
masters of de skys?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 03:18:39 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: It's a Funny Life...
 
* My Great-Grandfather called it "The Holy Sabbath"; my
  Grandfather, "The Sabbath"; my Father, "Sunday".  Me ?
  I call it "The Weekend".
                           - - - - -
 
* All my life I've believed in exercise.  Even now, I still begin
  each day after waking with a vigorous "up-down, up-down, etc."
  for three minutes straight.  After I rest, I exercise the other
  eyelid.
                           - - - - -
 
* As a professional girl watcher all my life, like a lot of men, I
  would focus on specific parts of the female anatomy at times.
  Now that I'm past 50, it doesn't matter so much any more.  In
  fact, a lot depends entirely on which direction the girl is
  walking.
                           - - - - -
 
* My Great-Grandmother drove a horse and carriage, but was afraid
  to even ride in a car.  My Grandmother drove a car, but was very
  afraid to even ride in a plane.  My Mother could fly a plane but
  was afraid to ride in a jet.  I can fly a jet, but I'm afraid to
  even ride in a horse and carriage.
                           - - - - -
 
* When my Mother lived in Columbia South Carolina she had a real
  Southern Belle for a neighbor who was over 100-years-old.  When
  I commented on how many people from the North were moving to SC
  she stood up to her full height and said, "At least, during the
  last invasion, we got to shoot at them damn Yankees."
                           - - - - -
 
* I will admit to sometimes getting carried away when a discussion
  involves politics.  After a rather heated debate at a party, I
  still hadn't "cooled down" by the time we were leaving.  Mrs
  JimJr said to our hostess, "You'll have to excuse my husband
  tonight. He was just being himself."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 06:59:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: This Years Darwin Awards
 
Here are the nominees for this year's Darwin Award (Given
posthumously to the individual whose withdrawal from the gene
pool significantly advanced the evolution of mankind). The winning
idiot's story is at the end:
 
                          The Nominees
 
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc,Calif., as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) fractured the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
 
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak
vest Berrena was wearing.
 
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
 
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
 
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off
a 200 foot high cliff on his daily run.
 
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
 
In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
 
                        DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S
 
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted
off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
 
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
 
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
of dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at
2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out
the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
notice that the window was closed.
 
           And the Darwin Award goes to:
 
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut.
These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions.
Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal
Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers).
 
Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the
view and the night air.  Most stay away from the wires, and when
they get bored, come back down.
 
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his
girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to
climb a tower.  He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts,
went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story
together.
 
The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and
consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what
people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike
down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.
 
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in
order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,
like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away
as 6 feet.  When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the
power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of
electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off
the tower.
 
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line
and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to
the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly
down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer
left on top of the tower.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 12:59:44 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Top Secret Win98 code <geeky>
 
    /*
      TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
      Project: Chicago(tm)
      Projected release-date: Summer 1998
    */
     #include "win31.h"
     #include "win95.h"
     #include "evenmore.h"
     #include "oldstuff.h"
     #include "billrulz.h"
     #define INSTALL = HARD
     char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
     void main()
     {
         while(!CRASHED)
        {
             display_copyright_message();
             display_bill_rules_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             if (first_time_installation)
             {
                make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                do_nothing_loop();
                totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                hang_system();
             }
             write_something(anything);
             display_copyright_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             do_some_stuff();
             if (still_not_crashed)
             {
                 display_copyright_message();
                 do_nothing_loop();
                 basically_run_windows_3.1();
                 do_nothing_loop();
                 do_nothing_loop();
             }
         }
         if (detect_cache())
             disable_cache();
         if (fast_cpu())
         {
             set_wait_states(lots);
             set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
             set_mouse(action, jumpy);
             set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
         }
         /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
        /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
        printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
        if (system_ok())
              crash(to_dos_prompt);
        else
             system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
         while(something)
        {
             sleep(5);
             get_user_input();
             sleep(5);
             act_on_user_input();
             sleep(5);
        }
        create_general_protection_fault();
 
 
                         -By Bryan Porter
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 07:56:38 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: American Beer <adult>
 
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc,
I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks
him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite
bemused.
 
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly
American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes
things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand
and thanks him.
 
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
 
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American
beer!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 12:48:22 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: For The Money
 
A woman woke up one brutally hot Sunday and complained to her
husband "I can't stand wearing clothes on a day like this. What
do you think the neighbors would do if I worked in the garden in
the nude?"
 
"They'd say." The husband replied with a smile, "That I married
you for your money."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 09:30:00 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
 
Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 
Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, now I must adopt one: Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee  Finally I pressed a key ----
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 
I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again but twice as hard
Luck was just not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 
There I sat, distraught, exhausted
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light---
A lightning bolt had cut the night
and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die;
"No, No, my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data NEVERMORE!"
 
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell.
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 01:59:15 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: Telecommunication Revolution (clean)
 
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small
pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had
a nationwide telephone network.
 
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters
down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced
that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide
fibre net.
 
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...
 
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had
cellular telephones.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 01:59:15 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: Amish woman (adult theme)
 
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one
cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother,
"My hands are freezing cold".
 
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body
heat will warm them up." So the daughter did & her hands warmed up.
 
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her
boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
 
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up. "
He did and his hands warmed up.
 
Later in the ride he said, "My nose is freezing cold."
 
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up."
He did and his nose warmed up.
 
Later still in the ride he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
 
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
 
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
 
And the daughter replied, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when
they thaw out!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 01:59:15 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: The pig with three legs (general)
 
I was at the State Fair one day, and I decided to visit the
livestock section.  And I saw this farmer there and his pig with
only three legs. This was really weird, so I asked him, "Excuse me,
why does your pig only have three legs?"
 
And the farmer said, "Well, this pig here's name is Snort, and
lemme tell you a story about him.  One day, I was out on my tractor
when something went wrong and the tractor accidentally got turned
over. I was going to be crushed and would have died, 'cept Snort
here ran over and dragged me out. He saved my life."
 
And I said, "WOW!  That's amazing!  But why does he only have three
legs?"
 
And the farmer said, "Well, lemme tell you a story. My wife was in
the kitchen cooking dinner and she was chopping vegetables.  All of
a sudden, she just chopped her finger right off, and she screamed
and screamed but no one could here her.  So Snort ran in and dialed
911.  He saved her life."
 
And I said, "WOW!  That's amazing!  But why does he only have three
legs?"
 
And the farmer said, "Well, lemme tell you a story. My son was
fishing in the pond when all of a sudden, he fell right in. And
somehow, his foot got trapped in a reed in the pond. He would've
drowned to death if Snort hadn't ran outside, untangled him,
dragged him out from the pond, and applied snort-to-mouth
resuscitation.  He saved his life."
 
And I said, "WOW!  That's amazing!  But why does he only have three
legs?"
 
And the farmer said, "Well, lemme tell you a story.  My daughter
was getting water from the well.  All of a sudden, she fell right
in!  And she screamed and screamed, but no one could hear her!  She
would've died, 'cept Snort here ran outside and rescued her.  He
saved her life."
 
And I said, "WOW!  That's amazing!  But why does he only have three
legs?!"
 
And the farmer said, "Well, a pig that special you can't eat all at
once."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 01:59:15 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: "Follow the Leader" game (adult theme)
 
A cockerel and a cat were good friends. One day they were playing
the game, "Follow the Leader", and the cockerel was the leader. The
cat did every thing exactly like the cockerel.
 
One of the task set by the cockerel was to jump over a stream. The
cockerel jumped and flew over the narrow stream. The cat,
unfortunately jump and fell into the river, and came out soaking
wet.
 
Moral of the story:
Wherever a cock went, a wet pussy is sure to follow.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 01:59:15 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: Vacation (clean)
 
A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up
in an argument, though...   "It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she
said.
 
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's
pronounced!" he replied.  And so it went all the way to the
vacation...
 
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband
abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that
we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and
I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
 
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
 
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell
you never to argue with me?  I'm alllll-ways right!" As he began
to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
 
"You're Velcome!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 15:00:00 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Bon voyage
 
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is
lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers
around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
 
A policeman checks the crowd -- no priest, no minister, no
representative of God of any kind.
 
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd
steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
 
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to
the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
 
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a
solemn voice:  "B-4. I-19. N-38.  G-54. O-72. . ."
 
          -From Juan Roberto:
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 15:08:15 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Exercise Truths <just plain dumb>

The best exercise is climbing stairs. Climbing stairs for one hour
will burn up 1,100 calories. This means, if you climb stairs only
five hours a day, you can eat like a horse and still not look like
one.
 
In terms of calories burned, cycling four miles on a stationary
exercise bike equals one mile of walking. And, of course, with a
stationary bike, you don't have to walk back.
 
Ten minutes of free-style swimming equals one mile of jogging. And
while swimming, you're not nearly as likely to get run over by a
truck.
 
Isometric exercises like pushups and chinups can be dangerous
because they elevate blood pressure significantly. The best
indication that it's time to rest is a heart attack.
 
Doing the exact same exercise, men lose weight faster than women.
This is due to body chemistry, and filing a lawsuit won't help.
 
Wearing a sweatsuit while exercising in hot weather will jeopardize
your health. It is a good idea, however, to wear something.
 
 
http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 15:40:22 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Jewish Joy
 
Palestinian Leader Arafat and Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin
Netanyahu are on the same stage on the West Bank . Huge crowd.
Arafat and Netanyahu have seen it all before, so to make it a
little more interesting, Arafat says to Netanyahu: "BB, did you
know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Arab person in this crowd go wild?"
 
He doubts it, so Arafat shows him, and sure enough the little hand
wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Palestinian in the
crowd. Gradually it subsides. BB, not wishing to be outdone, thinks
to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him.
 
"Sir, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my
head I can make every Jewish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your people,
but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it
and rejoice for months."
 
Arafat seriously doubts this... "One little nod of your head, and
all the Jews are joyous for months? Show me."
 
So the Netanyahu headbutts him.
 
 
          -Thanks to Kenny
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 15 Jul 1998 10:16:54 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!:Are You A Mathematician? <clean>
 
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.
 
He tried a test to narrow the area of speciality.  He put each man
in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.
He said "Boil the water".
 
Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on
the burner to boil the water.  Next, he put them into a room with a
stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said
"Boil the water".
 
The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner.
The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve
each problem individually.
 
The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then
moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner.
The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the
problem to a previously solved problem.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 21:21:03 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: golf jokes <suggestive>
 
A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a
stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a
woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and
shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
 
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
 
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there, and she's
unconscious!"
 
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
 
"Between the first and second holes."
 
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave
much room for stitches!"
               --------------------
 
What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jul 1998 to 15 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
