HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1998 to 14 Jul 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 395 lines in this issue.
 
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Top5 - 7/13 - Things Overheard During the World Cup
  2. Night & Day
  3. How many does it take...?
  4. Muggers in India Use Snakes To Rob
  5. LITTLE JOHNNY's IMPRESSION(contains adult language)
  6. Little Johnny and his bike (off. to religion)
  7. Bees
  8. Maths Week!:Questions Galore <clean>
  9. mudders (X-rated)
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 10:44:11 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/13 - Things Overheard During the World Cup
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         July 13, 1998
 
        The Top 12 Things Overheard During the World Cup
 
12> "We're in the nosebleed seats... right between the crushed-
     against-the-fence seats and the beaten-to-a-pulp seats.
 
11> "Watch out -- it's a skinhead!!  ...False alarm.  It's just
     Bruce Willis."
 
10> "Ets a bleddin' shem to 'av this aixdra seat joost a-gooin'
     ta weeste, buh aivryboody ah know es at me wife's funeral."
 
     ["It's a bleedin' shame to have this extra seat just going
     to waste, but everybody I know is at my wife's funeral.]
 
 9> "Yes, Mr. Diggler, it's quite impressive -- but it's not the
     WORLD cup."
 
 8> "Mister Referee, we would appreciate it if you would be so
     kind as to lay off the offsides calls now that my country
     has nuclear weapons."
 
 7> "Qu'est que c'est 'hit the showers?'  Remember, Monsieur,
     this is France, we have no showers."
 
 6> "Idiots!  'Build ze Chunnel, build ze Chunnel' they said."
 
 5> "I'm not so sure President Clinton is clear on the concept
     of a 'header'."
 
 4> "Ooh-la-la!  Nice lingerie, Monsieur Albert!"
 
 3> "Hey!  I just got a red card for ordering the wrong wine
     with my escargot!!"
 
 2> "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!
     Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!
     Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!"
 
     and Top5's Number 1 Thing Overheard During the World Cup...

 1> "Pardonnez moi, ou est la hooker de DeNiro?"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 11:19:11 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Night & Day
 
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing
farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   After he
was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I
should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and
day."
 
"Can't", replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the hole."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 21:21:47 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: How many does it take...?
 
 1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
      Ten!  One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the
      spirit of darkness.
 
 2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
      None. God has predestined when the light will be on.
      Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the
      instructions and pray the light bulb will be the one that
      has been chosen to be changed.
 
 3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
      Change???? Who said anything about change?
 
 4. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
      No one knows.  They can't tell the difference between light
      and darkness.
 
 5. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
      One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your
      donation today.
 
 6. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a
    light bulb?
      Only one, because any more might result in too much
      cooperation.
 
 7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
      At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not
      the light bulb exists.  Even if they can agree upon the
      existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it,
      to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of
      light.
 
 8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
      None.  They use candles.
 
 9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change
    a light bulb?
      One.  But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
 
10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that
    is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
      One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much
      they liked the old one.
 
11. How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
      This statement was issued. "We chose not to make a statement
      either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
      However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light
      bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a
      poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
      relationship with your lightbulb (or light source, or
      non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual
      light bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of
      light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,
      three-way, long-life, and tinted all of which are equally
      valid paths to luminescence."
 
12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
      "What light bulb?"
 
13. How many youth Pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
      Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to
      burn out.
 
14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
      109.  Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who
      report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by
      the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed
      by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the
      agenda of the 18 member Finance committee. If they approve,
      they bring a motion to the 27 member Church Board, who
      appoint another 12 member review committee.
      If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution
      is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They
      appoint another 8 member review committee.
      If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting
      supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation
      votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light
      bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn
      appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new
      light bulbs.
      Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy
      must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to
      make certain that this hardware store has no connections to
      Disneyland.
      They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions
      the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the
      change.
      By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has
      burned out.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 14:28:32 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Muggers in India Use Snakes To Rob
 
 
July 13, 1998    Filed at 12:54 p.m. EDT
By The Associated Press

NEW DELHI, India (AP) -- Muggers are using snakes to terrorize and
rob women in downtown New Delhi, a newspaper reported Monday.
 
In the latest incident Saturday, three men thrust snakes at a woman
in a taxi and demanded her money and jewelry, the Times of India
reported. The woman, Roshni, turned the valuables over.
 
``Those bloodshot eyes and the snakes slithering all around keep
coming back to me,'' Roshni, who uses only one name, was quoted by
the newspaper as saying.
 
The same men have attacked several other women, the newspaper said,
citing police.
 
Street performers carrying snakes that sway as a flute is played
are a common sight in India.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 17:40:13 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY's IMPRESSION(contains adult language)
 
The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still
not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he
tells her he has worked out his act.
 
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...
 
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.
 
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
 
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I
visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my
impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.
Here is the first... 'JOHNNY!  GET OFF THAT F*CKING TRACTOR!'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 08:14:50 +0800
From:    JMMD Owner <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: Little Johnny and his bike (off. to religion)
 
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother
said, "At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you
want, don't you?"
 
"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
 
His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask
him." Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:
 
     Dear Jesus,
         I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
     Your Friend, Johnny
 
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
 
     Dear Jesus,
        Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
 
He thought about this and decided to write another letter.
 
     Dear Jesus,
        I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new
        bike.
 
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one
either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a
house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up
the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and
started his new letter.
 
     Dear Jesus,
        If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
     Your Friend, Johnny
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 19:14:52 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Bees
 
Two bees ran into each other & one asked the other how things were
going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been
really wet & damp & there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't
make any honey."
 
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks & turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers & fresh
fruit."
 
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee & flew away.
 
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again & the
first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
 
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would
be."
 
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
 
"That's my yamulka," said the second bee. I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 14 Jul 1998 09:37:22 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!: Questions Galore <clean>
 
Dedicated to Rekha of Kuwait, a die-hard fanatic...
perhaps she could make out something outa this one!:O)
 
Q. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
   Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe,
             but they are removable!
 
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
 
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an
   interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to
   compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 21:40:54 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: mudders (X-rated)
 
Silas and Sally were out in the cornfield happily humping away.
It had rained that morning and there was lots of mud on the ground
and they found themselves sliding around a bit in the mud.
 
"Say, Honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" Silas asked.
 
Sally felt around and said, "Why, Silas, it's in the mud!"
 
"Well, put it back in you," he replied.
 
After a while, Silas asked again, "Honey, is it in you or in the
mud?"
 
"In me, honey. In me," Sally cooed happily.
 
"Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"
 
 
          -Thanks Sally Ann Guest
          -Thanks to Jokemaster
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1998 to 14 Jul 1998
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