HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1998 - Special issue
There are 6 messages totalling 1141 lines in this issue.
 
Topics in this special issue:
 
  1. What a Figure !!!
  2. Jail Jive (adult)
  3. HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
  4. My deaf wife
  5. Warning signs of insanity <mental>
  6. Photo #4
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 03:59:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: What a Figure !!!
 
I'm not saying she didn't have much of a figure, but...
 
   o she's the only girl I know with a Cross-Your-Navel bra
 
   o she got a run in her panty hose and fell thru it
 
   o she's a perfect ten -- her dimensions are 10-10-10
 
   o she has to hold her bra up with suspenders
 
   o she's so bowlegged, she looks like half a doughnut
 
   o as a teen, she was so fat, it took 3 days to pierce her ears
 
   o when she drinks tomato juice, she looks like a thermometer
 
   o she can take a shower without getting her feet wet
 
   o better bodies can be found at almost any used car lot
 
   o one look at her & ya wonder if there were any other survivors
 
   o when she undresses it's like seeing a golf club being
     unwrapped
 
   o she orders all her new cars with washtub seats
 
   o when she went to see a plastic surgeon, he wanted to add a
     tail
 
   o when she makes love, it's like an exclamation point in heat
 
   o she's so fat, last week she sank her rowing machine
 
   o if not for her Adam's Apple, she wouldn't have any shape at
     all
 
   o not only does she have to take off weight, but rearrange it
     too
 
   o her day job is modeling for slipcovers
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 03:28:00 -0700
From:    Patrick Russell <Patrr@OREGONTRAIL.NET>
Subject: Jail Jive (adult)
 
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the
jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches
over here you would love to have."
 
The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 07:10:07 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
 
      You know you're getting older when...
 
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
 
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals
 
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere
 
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD
 
Your children begin to look middle-aged
 
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge
 
You look forward to a dull evening
 
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons
 
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions
 
Your knees buckle and your belt won't
 
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waiste and 125 around the
golf course
 
Your back goes out more than you do
 
A fortune teller offers to read your face
 
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see someone of
the opposite sex
 
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 20:56:02 +0800
From:    Benjamin Yeow <jmmd@RELAY21.JARING.MY>
Subject: My deaf wife

 
A man went to a hearing specialist, and told the doctor, "my
wife is deaf."
 
"How deaf is she?" The doctor asked.
 
The man said, "I don't have the slightest idea."
 
The doctor said "when you go home, stand at the opposite side of
the room, and say 'what's for dinner?' Move up 1 step and ask
again. Continue this until she hears you."
 
So the man went home, stood at the opposite side of the kitchen and
said, "what's for dinner?"  No answer.
 
He moved up "what's for dinner?"  Still no answer.
 
He moved up three more steps. "What's for dinner?" Still no answer.
 
He move up until he was standing two inches away from her and
yelled "WHAT'S' FOR DINNER???"
 
She looked at him and said "roast beef for the fourth time!"
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 15:51:43 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Warning signs of insanity <mental>
 
     You might have gone insane if:
 
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately.
After listening to them, you hit them several times with a
sledgehammer.
 
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of
places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
 
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
 
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
 
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you
stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are
going to seek revenge one day.
 
You have meaningful conversations with your blender.
 
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with
your illusion.
 
You like cats. Especially with ketchup
 
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you
things.
 
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion
 
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
you wanted to be on the island too.
 
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they hatch.
 
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
 
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
 
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time,
and pretend that you're a stalk.
 
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used it.
 
          -From another list)
 
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Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 10:07:29 EDT
From:    Ben Cheek <DrCheek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Photo #4
 
     [Mis-sent Photo deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1998 - Special issue
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