HUMOR Digest - 12 Jul 1998 to 13 Jul 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 415 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Welcome to Texas
  2. Nice Doggie <off. to dog lovers>
  3. The Art Gallery (adult)
  4. Prison Jive (Adult offensive)
  5. For Parents Only
  6. SHADES OF ARNOLD
  7. Numbers of the Beast
  8. Maths Week!:Dousing The Fire <clean>
  9. More Engineer jokes <not off>
 
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Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 05:36:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Welcome to Texas
 
* When someone from West Texas tells ya that they had a 5 inch
  rain, they don't mean the total quantity of rainfall. They're
  referring to how far apart the drops were.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A neighbor stopped by and looked at the stunted cotton field
  from which a Mexican farmer had hoped to make a living. "Kind
  of short, eh, Juan ?"
    The poor farmer nodded, forced a smile, and said, "Si, it's
  smaller now than when it was little."
                           - - - - -
 
*   When my son, JimJr Jr, was in the Air Force in Texas, I began
  thinking about relocating there following our third "100 year
  blizzard" in Maryland in less than a month.  I got in touch with
  a realtor, and asked if it ever snowed in West Texas.
    "Nope !" came the reply. "But I have seen it rain -- twice."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond.
  As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was
  bare with no greenery.  He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy
  Saint Peter.  Say, this looks just like Texas."
    "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...
  and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A relative was visiting in San Antonio and being shown the town
  by his cousin.  "What's that statue over there ?" he asked.
    "That boy is a Texas Ranger.  He killed 146 Apaches in single-
  handed combat and broke up 27 riots during his career.
    Not to be outdone, the Bostonian said, "Well, we had some heros
  too -- Paul Revere, for instance..."
    "Oh !" smirked the Texan, "You mean that fella who had to ride
  for help."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 07:52:51 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Nice Doggie <off. to dog lovers>
 
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked
on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and
charming as everyone had said.
 
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play
with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He
rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your
arms, he'll jump through."
 
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.
Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over
the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
 
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
 
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed
to me."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 08:57:57 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Art Gallery (adult)
 
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY
naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was
that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the
man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was
scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked
by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this
painting?" he asked.
 
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture
of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle
has a pink  penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the
painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and
the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 06:06:55 -0700
From:    Patrick Russell <Patrr@OREGONTRAIL.NET>
Subject: Prison Jive (Adult offensive)
 
Overheard being yelled from the men's section to the women's
section: "I got 12 inches you would love to have."
 
From the distance the response was: "Well, spit it out. It ain't
yours."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 10:53:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: For Parents Only
 
A Dictionary of Important Terms For Parents Only...
 
 
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
 
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
          the strained carrots.
 
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
 
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
              though they're sure you're not raising them right.
 
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
 
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
             everything we say.
 
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
 
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
        dry shoes into it.
 
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
           and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
 
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
          jammies.
 
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins
                    to make those familiar grunting noises.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 18:31:44 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: SHADES OF ARNOLD
 
A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action
docudrama about famous composers with several top stars.
 
Stallone, Schwartzeneggar and Van Damme were present. The producer
really desired the box office oomph of these three, so they were
prepared to allow them to select that famous composers they would
portray.
 
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love
to play him."
 
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play
him." The producer was pleased.
 
"Sounds splendid. But who do you want to be Arnold?"
 
"I'll be Bach."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 18:39:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Numbers of the Beast
 
Original by Richard Findler (Plus Additions)
 
660 -- Approximate number of The Beast
 
DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast
 
666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast
 
0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast
 
/ 666 -- Beast Common Denominator
 
0.005015 -- Reciprical of the Beast.
 
666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast
 
1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast
 
443556 -- Square of the Beast
 
2.8235 -- Log of the beast
 
6.5913 -- Ln Beast
 
1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the beast
 
6.66E2 --Scientific number of the Beast
 
29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast
 
666! -_ Factorial of the Beast
 
6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast
 
1-666 -- Area code of The Beast
 
00666 -- Zip code of The Beast
 
<Mailto://666@hell.org> -- E-mail address of the beast
 
<http://www.666.org.html> -- web-page of the Beast
 
1-900-666-0666 -- Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
                  $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
 
$665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast
 
$55.50 -- Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly
          installments
 
$699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
 
$769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement
           soul
 
$656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast
 
$646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast
 
Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast
 
Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
 
666 Minutes -- Weekly news program about the Beast
 
666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast
 
664 & 668 - Neighbours of the Beast
 
666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast
 
666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
 
6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National
          Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
 
Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast
 
Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast
 
i66686 -- CPU of The Beast
 
666-I -- BMW of The Beast
 
665.99999973 _ Intel Pentium number of the Beast
 
666 Sunset Strip - Old T.V. series about the Beast soon on
                    Nick-At-Nite
 
DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
  
Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 13 Jul 1998 10:01:17 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maths Week!:Dousing The Fire <clean>
 
Three employees of NOSC (an engineer, a physicist and a
mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical
seminar.  The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into
the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room
with water and douses the fire.  He goes back to bed.
 
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke.  He opens his
door  and sees a fire in the hallway.  He walks down the hall to a
fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance,
water pressure, trajectory,  etc. extinguishes the fire with the
minimum amount of water and energy needed.
 
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke.  He goes to
the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose.  He thinks for
a moment and then  exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes
back to bed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 12 Jul 1998 22:45:11 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: More Engineer jokes <not off>
 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired.  Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
 
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
fixed, but to no avail.  In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
 
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day
studying the huge machine.  At the end of the day, he marked a
small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
 
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service.
 
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly
  One chalk mark                       $1
  Knowing where to put it         $49,999
 
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
               *************************
 
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
 
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
               *************************
 
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
 
The graduate with a  Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jul 1998 to 13 Jul 1998
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