HUMOR Digest - 11 Jul 1998 to 12 Jul 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 275 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The English
  2. The Ship s Captain (Pun)
  3. Aliterated Prodigal Son
  4. The Engineer in Hell
  5. Not offensive (2)
 
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Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 03:20:54 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The English
 
* It seems the ratio of gays to straights has increased from 1
  out of 10 to 1 out of 6 in England.  At that rate, I'm not
  sure at all that "there'll always be an England.
                           - - - - -
 
* Back in the 60's when the economy was suffering in England, some
  consideration was given to selling the Rock of Gibraltar to the
  French.  All negotiations were halted however when the British
  learned the French were planned to rename it "De Gaulle Stone".
                           - - - - -
 
*   A couple comes out of a hotel in London & the doorman signals
  a cab for them.  The pair get in and the doorman says to the
  driver, "Waterloo."
    The cabbie says, "The station ?"
    Icily, the doorman replies, "Well... it's a bit late for the
  bloody battle !"
                           - - - - -
 
* Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.  One office
  supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that
  she was being fired.  He started the conversation with: "Miss
  Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without
  you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
                           - - - - -
 
*   During repairs to Westminster Hall it was decided to cut the
  wood needed for the beams from the estates of the Earl of
  Warwick, where the original wood was cut in 1394.
    When one of the engineers suggested a tall stately oak, the
  architect consulted his notes and said, "Ah... no... not that
  one. You see, we refused that tree the first time."
 
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Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 00:43:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Ship s Captain (Pun)
 
In the 28th Century, Ferdinand Feghoot always took passage on
spaceships from Argol. Their discipline was rigidly based on Terran
naval tradition. Indeed, Argolian law compelled every cartain, on
assuming command, to identify himself withe some sea-going hero of
Earth, actual or legendary. One wore an eye-patch, another a false
wooden leg; some carried harpoons, spyglasses or belaying pins;
they wore pea-jacketsor gold-braided coats, and uttered such
phrases as "Yo-ho-ho!" and "Damn the torpedoes!"
 
On a trip to Argol itself, Feghoot met a young captain whose
only peculiarity was his habit of sounding the ship's klaxon
several times whenever they made planetfall. He explained that he
was warning his crew of temptations aground -- as many blasts of
the klaxon as htere were loose women per thousand of population.
Feghoot approved, and was shocked when the captain, on arrival at
Argol, was placed in arrest for having no Terran prototype, Gladly
undertaking his defense, he explained to the Court about the
temptation index and warning.
 
"And what," sneered the Prosecuting Officer, "has all this to do
with the great heroes of Terran seas? Nothing whatever!"
 
"You are wrong," replied Ferdinand Feghoot, "Throughout your
whole fleet this splendid young man is known as...
Captain Horatio Hornblower!"
 
     -By John F. Moore based on a character by Grendel Briarton
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 10:57:39 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Aliterated Prodigal Son
 
The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive
 
Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained
fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune.
Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings
feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by
those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a
feed flinger in a filthy farm-lot.  He fain would have filled his
frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.
 
"Fooey!  My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled
fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
 
Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for
his family.  Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
"Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family
favors..."
 
But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling
and fix a feast.
 
But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his
father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of
former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.
 
His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but
what forbids fervent festivities?  The fugitive is found!  Unfurl
the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow
freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken.  Forgiveness
forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."
 
     - Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor,
       quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal and Rose Samra,
       Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2,
       modified by Robert Woodman.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 11:11:12 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Engineer in Hell
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the
wrong place."
 
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a
while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
 
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
 
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
 
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
 
God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
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Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 19:48:33 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Not offensive
 
Sometime in the 16th century during the Inquisition, three men, a
baker, a banker and a mechanical engineer were sentenced to the
guillotine for their crimes.  Each was given the choice of being
placed in the stock facing either up toward the blade or down
toward a basket.
 
The baker was first and, understandably choose to face away from
the blade.  After he was properly positioned, the executioner
pulled the handle to begin the heavy blade on its deadly decent.
As it neared the bottom, a loud grinding sound was heard, followed
by a resounding CLUNK, with the blade stopping within inches of the
baker's neck.  Because the law prohibited a second attempt at the
excution, the baker was released from the stock and sent away a
free man.
 
The blade was raised and the banker placed into the stock, also
choosing to face downward.  Again, the executioner pulled the
handle, and again the blade ground to a halt just prior to
relieving the banker of his head.  He too was removed from the
stock and set free.
 
Again the blade was raised and the engineer's time had come. He
choose to look upward, saying that he could think of no final
vision more fitting than a mechanical device in motion.  He was
placed in the stock according to his wishes.  Just as the
executioner was reaching for the release, the engineer cried,
"Wait!  I think I see the problem."
 
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Date:    Sat, 11 Jul 1998 19:50:58 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Not offensive
 
     [Duplicate Post deleted for Archival Purposes - see above]
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jul 1998 to 12 Jul 1998
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