HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1998 to 11 Jul 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 632 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Horse (Pun)
  2. Country Folk <some innuendo>
  3. A Memo From Work [Contains Swear Words]
  4. Top5 - 7/10/98 - Chuck's Changes to the NRA
  5. Nice Try (adult)
  6. (Fwd) (Fwd) [To: Terry L Brunick:  Info]
  7. STAR Trek & OS's
  8. Heaven is an "E" ticket <off. to the religious> (2)
  9. New Baseball Fan
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 23:03:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Horse (Pun)
 
Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and
all. "Great!" he thought "now I can get that horse I have always
wanted!" So he goes down the road to Farmer Ben's house, and tells
him he wants to buy a horse.
 
"Well, I only have one mare right now, and she's kind of flighty."
 
"I don't care!" Jake says "I think she's beautiful!" So Jake buys
the horse, brings her home and sets her up in a newly cleaned
stall.
 
The next morning, Jake wakes to find that she has broken out and
run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and leads her
home. Thinking maybe she didn't like her stall, he cleans out a
different one (the barn had four) and leads her in, this time
making sure to bolt the door.
 
The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare has broken out
and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her, and
brings her home, again trying a different stall (the barn had
four).
 
The next morning Jake wakes to find that the mare had again broken
out and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and
brings her home, this time tying her to the last stall (the barn
had four).
 
When he woke the next morning, the mare had chewed the rope, broken
out and run off.
 
He called Farmer Ben, furious at the horses behavior. "I don't
understand it! I keep her stall clean, locked, full of food,
nothing I do keeps her from running off!"
 
"I tried to tell you," Farmer Ben said... "She just can't seem to
form a stable relationship!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 03:36:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Country Folk <some innuendo>
 
*   A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife. He
  put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of
  it until she turned 14.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A country girl who'd gone off to the big city returned and
  ran into her old beau.  Wanting to show off as he greeted her,
  she said stiffly, "I didn't get your name."
    "You sure tried hard enuff before ya left." he replied.
                           - - - - -
 
*   "Old Jetro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife
  told her husband.
    "How can you tell ?" he asked.  "Did you smell it ?"
    "Nope.  But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over
  here this morning and beat the tarnation outta our cats."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An old country ne'er-do-well went to the doctor because he was
  having trouble sleeping.  The doctor asked him to describe the
  problem he was experiencing.
     "Well doc..." the old man said, "I sleep good at nite, and I
  sleep pretty good in the morning.  But of late, I been a-gettin'
  real restless when I try to sleep in the afternoons.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
  going boy ?"
    The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
    The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
  dang lantern."
    "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the
  local bar.  One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb."
    His friend replied, "Yep.  Even tried me out one of those
  'loose women' ya always hear about."
    "You don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly."
    "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 09:17:23 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: A Memo From Work [Contains Swear Words]
 
I got this memo at work (I swear I am not kidding) and I think it
is rather humourous...
 
 
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF
REGARDING OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have
been using fould language during the execution of their duties.
Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended,
this type of language will no longer will no longer be tolerated.
 
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to
properly express their feelings when communicating with other
employees.  With this in mind, the Human Resources Department have
compiled a list of code phrase replacements so the proper exchange
of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner
without risking offence to our more serious co-workers
 
OLD PHRASE                        NEW PHRASE
No Fucking Way                    I'm fairly sure that is not
                                  feasible
You're Fucking kidding            Really, is that true?
Tell someone who gives a fuck     Have you run that past your
                                  manager?
No cunt told me                   I haven't been involved in that
                                  project
I don't have the fucking time     Perhaps I can work late
Who fucking cares                 Are you sure that's a problem?
Eat shit and die                  You Don't say
Eat shit and die, mother fucker   You Don't say, sir!
Kiss my arse                      So you'd like me to help you?
He's a fucking prick              He's someone insensitive
You haven't got a fucking clue    You could use some more training
This place is fucked              We are a little disorganised
                                  today
What sort of fuckwit are you?     You're new here aren't you?
Fuck off, shithead                Well, there you go
You're a fucking wanker           You're my boss, I respect you
Fuck off                          I'll look into it and get back
                                  to you
Fuck off, dickhead                I no longer require your
                                  assistance
How the fuck did you get that     Well Done!!!
to work?
You're a fucking loser            You were unfortunate there.
 
 
We do understand that some less comunicative employees who
currently use single or double words may find themselves unable to
comply with the new policy. Hence the Human Resources Dept. have
devised a scheme whereby such employees for a period of four weeks
are permitted to use a transitional phrase before going on to the
new phrase...
 
OLD PHRASE      TRANSITIONAL PHRASE          NEW PHRASE
Fuck            I've fucked up               I appear to have made
                                             a mistake
Fuck Fuck       I've fucked up again         I appear to have made
                                             a double mistake
Bollocks        You're a fucking liar        You may have stated a
                                              mistruth
Double Bollocks I don't fucking believe      You HAVE stated a
                you                          mistruth
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 05:58:37 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/10/98 - Chuck's Changes to the NRA
 
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
             NOTE TO OUR NON-AMERICAN SUBSCRIBERS:
 
The National Rifle Association (NRA) is an American organization
which promotes the right of every American citizen to own guns,
including rifles, handguns, and semi-automatic assault weapons.
Recently, when they needed a new president for their organization,
they did what we Americans often do and elected a has-been actor,
former film star Charlton Heston.
 
                         July 10, 1998
 
      The Top 13 Changes Chuck Heston has Made for the NRA
 
 
13> Opened new target range next to Barbara Streisand's house.
 
12> New bumper sticker: "Get Your Stinkin' Paws Off Us, You Damn
    Dirty Liberals!"
 
11> Commemorative Ben Hur handles for all AK-47's purchased before
    the new millennium.
 
10> Promoting new Cub Scout "Large Caliber" merit badge.
 
 9> Gave acting lessons so NRA reps can now say, "Guns don't kill
    people, people kill people," with a straight face.
 
 8> Instituted new "Cooperate with federal law enforcement agencies
    instead of shooting at them" policy.
 
 7> Painted Al Gore like a mallard and announced, "It's duck
    season!!"
 
 6> Hired that Chris White guy to do a goofy "Top 13 Ways to
    Misinterpret the 2nd Amendment" list.
 
 5> Decorated national HQ office with huge "9 Commandments" mural.
 
 4> New NRA slogan: "You can take my gun only after you pry it
    from my kid's cold, dead fingers."
 
 3> Used Moses' biggest trick for new "Parting of Reason" campaign.
 
 2> Offered free ammo for new members with more teeth than fingers.
 
 
  and Top5's Number 1 Change Chuck Heston has Made for the NRA...
 
 
 1> Hired Joe Camel to head up the new "NRA for Kids" division.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 07:05:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Nice Try (adult)
 
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should see a doctor."
 
His friend said "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only
costs $10.00."
 
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The  computer
started making some noise and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
                 - Soak your arm in warm water.
                 - Avoid heavy labor.
                 - It will be better in two weeks.
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He
mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the
$10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out
the following analysis:

          -Your tap water is too hard.
               Get a water softener.
          -Your dog has ringworm.
               Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
          -Your daughter is using cocaine.
               Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
          -Your wife is pregnant - twin girls.
               They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
          -And if you don't stop jerking off, your
           tennis elbow will never get better.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 08:49:02 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: (Fwd) (Fwd) [To: Terry L Brunick:  Info]
 
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama
version of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside
Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some
help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be
recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98
with a background picture of General Lee super imposed on a
confederate flag.
 
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle
Bin is Labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal
Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control
Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as
4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc
thangs.
 
Other features:
 - Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a
   garbage bag and duct tape.
 - OK= ats aww-right
 - cancel = hail no
 - reset = awa shoot
 - yes = shore
 - no = Naaaa
 - find = hunt-fer it
 - go to = ovr yonder
 - back = back yonder
 - help = help me out here
 - stop = ternit off
 - start = crank it up
 - settings = sittins
 - programs = stuff at does stuff
 - documents = stuff I done done
 
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
 - tiperiter...........A word processor
 - colering book.......a Graphics program
 - addin mershene......calculator
 - outhouse paper......notepad
 - jupe-box............CD player
 - iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
 - pichers.............A graphics viewer
 - IRS.................M/S accounting software
 - IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
 - coon dog............American Kennel Club records
 - fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
 - NRA.................National Rifle Association
 - shot gun............Remington Arms price list
 - riffel..............Winchester price list
 - pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
 - truck...............Ford & Chevy Dealers in AL by zip code
 - car.................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
 - cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
 - tax records.........usually an empty file
 - shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
 - bud.................Budwiser distributers by zip code
 - doc.................veterinarians by zip code
 
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 09:52:05 -0400
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: STAR Trek & OS's
 
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead
      ahead.
 
PICARD: On screen.
 
<The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines,
 each only a single pixel wide.>
 
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
 
DATA: Captain, the main view screen does not have sufficient video
      memory to display an image of this size.  May I suggest that
      you select a lower resolution?
 
PICARD: Make it so.
 
<The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky
 square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be
 Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in
 Space Invaders.>
 
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
 
DATA: Aye, sir.
 
<Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it
 over, and places it on the console in front of him.  He punches
 some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several
 seconds.  A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships
 on the view screen.>
 
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
 
PICARD: Shields up!
 
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
      your last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have
      finished before you issue your next command.
 
PICARD: What on earth do you mean?  Data, this is *important*! I
        want those shields up *right now*.
 
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
      your last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have
      finished before you issue your next command.
 
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain.  (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.
 
<Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
 floor.>
 
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose
      to cancel and return to Windows.  Pull my left ear to close
      this communications channel which is not responding.  You
      will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
 
<LaForge pulls Data's left ear.>
 
PICARD: Shields...
 
<There is a tremendous explosion.  The bridge shakes violently, and
 all the crew members are thrown to the floor.  A shower of sparks
 erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley
 back away from the console.>
 
PICARD: ...up, Data!
 
DATA: Aye, sir.
 
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
 

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured.  He appears to be
      unconscious.
 
<Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
 punches some more buttons.  He waits a few seconds, then puts the
 hourglass back on the floor.>
 
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
 
PICARD: And not a moment too soon.  Worf, lock all phasers on the
        lead Romulan ship.
 
WORF: Aye, sir.  (He punches buttons on the weapons console.)
 
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
 
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
      installed for that console.
 
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
 
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
 
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
 
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
 
LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!?  I thought you still had
          them!
 
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
        memory?
 
DATA: Not found, sir.  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
      nostril.
 
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
 
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
 
PICARD: Abort!
 
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
 
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
 
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
 
<Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons.  The
 ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to
 one side of the view screen, and a high-pitched whining noise is
 heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.>
 
LAFORGE:(alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing?
 
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
 
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on
       hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And
       that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's
       model.  She specialized in industrial control robots.
 
<Suddenly, the lights all go out, the view screen goes blank, and
 all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt.
 After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on.  Data is
 standing by the console, absolutely motionless.>
  
PICARD: What's going on?
 
LAFORGE: (checking the helm console)  Lieutenant Data has caused a
         General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
 
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
        anything with them.
 
<The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
 full battle dress materialize on the bridge.  A seventh figure, a
 Ferengi, appears moments later.>
 
FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Unix,
         Captain?
 
 
VIRUS Page: http://members.tripod.com/~lordjulus
POETRY Page: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Forum/1395
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 15:38:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Heaven is an "E" ticket <off. to the religious>
 
ORLANDO, FL (DPI)
In an attempt to appease religious fundamentalists still upset at
Disney's tolerant policies towards "sinners" (as reported in the
Probe on June 19), Disney has unveiled plans for a new religious
themed park to be called "DogmaLand." The first section of the park
to open will be Cross Country, depicting the history of America as
a "Christian nation."
 
Cross Country features include: Baptist Mountain, a flume ride in
which everyone gets dunked whether they like it or not; and the
Cross Country Shaker Jamboree; live depictions of Puritan floggings
and witch dunkings (with bondage & discipline merchandise available
at the Jim Bakker Gift Shop); and snake handling for children at
the petting zoo.
 
The main attraction of Cross Country will be the Hall of Fanatics,
featuring an Animatronic Pat Robertson, which is promised to be
even more lifelike than the original, due to that special Disney
Magic(tm).
 
Nightly, the electric light Way of the Cross Parade will wind
through the park, as Mickey carries his neon cross to suffer for
the sins of humanity, except of course for those whose sins are
just unacceptable, "and you know who you are."  All over this
section are signs reading, "You must think *this* way to ride
this ride."
 
     -by Matthew Shapiro and Jonathan Colan
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 15:38:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Heaven is an "E" ticket <off. to the religious>
 
          [Duplicate post removed for Archival Purposes]
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 11:50:17 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Baseball Fan
 
An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first
batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
 
The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered,
"RUN! RUN!"
 
The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
 
The third batter got up got ball 1... ball 2... ball 3... ball 4...
The umpire yelled "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base.
 
The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he
has 4 balls!"
 
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride,
lad!  Walk with pride!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1998 to 11 Jul 1998
************************************************
 
